The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
  stupidity

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

- Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier
  to live with..

- Deja Moo:  The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

- Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check
  3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.

- Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

- A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

- It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

- Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

- If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

- The trouble with doing something right the first time is that
  nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
  a warning to others.

- Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

- The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because
  the average man can see better than he can think.

- Paranoids are people, too;they have their own problems.It's easy
  to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make
  you feel happy to be on your way.

- Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence
  on society.

- Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where
  you left them to where you can't find them.

- Law of Probability Dispersal:  Whatever it is that hits the fan
  will not be evenly distributed.