On marriage:

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

..........................................................................

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife is new.

..........................................................................

During a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a FOOL
when I married you!"
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
notice
it."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------
Q & A
Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when
they leave the house ?
Of these same men 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife
leaves.

Q. What do mountain climbing and receiving a blowjob from Whoopi
Goldberg have in common?
A. For God's sake, don't ever look down!

Q. What did the cannibal do when he dumped his girlfriend?
A. He wiped his ass!

Q. How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an
orgasm?
A. Call her and tell her where you are.

Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ?
A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft !"

Q: What's the difference beetween a blonde and a mosquito ?
A: If you slap a mosquito it'll stop sucking.

. . . . . . . . . . . Famous Quotes . . . . . . . . . . . .

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and  anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know
where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

..........................................................................
=----------------------------------------------------------------------------
LONGER JOKES

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife
answers.

"Hi, I'm Chris. Is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, do you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the
greatest  breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I
could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a
hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly
thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful
I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks
if
I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and
gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred
bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your
weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off
the
200 bucks he owes me?"

..........................................................................

A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a
mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father "What is this Father?"

The father responded,"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled in between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights
with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch ten
circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman
stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother!"

..........................................................................

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's
stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than
usual,
we're not even moving."

He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the
cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer,
what's the hold up."

"O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down
in
the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in
gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million
dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection
for
him."

The man says,"oh really, how much have you got so far."

"So far", said the officer ...."ten gallons."

..........................................................................

This guys walks into a bar and the bartender immediately notices how
depressed this guy is. "Give me a beer", said the guy. "Sure thing,"
said the bartender, "by the way, why the long face? "I just found out
my oldest son is gay", replied the guy.
The next day the same guy walks back into the bar and orders a beer
and a few shots of whiskey. "Whats wrong now?", asked the bartender
noticing he is twice as depressed as the day before. "I just found out
my
youngest son is gay too."
The next day the same guy walks in with tears pouring out of his eyes.
"God doesn't anyone in your house like pussy?", asked the bartender.
The  guy said, "Yeah, my wife!"