OCCUPATION: Musician, unemployed adult video store clerk, radio guy.

MARITAL STATUS: Finally seeing someone.

TURN-ONS: horror movies, my band, Elaine Cummings, vodka & OJ, Tim Hortons, the "Big Rock" infomercial, Breaker High, your mom, bands who give us free stuff, WWF, WCW, Dan Ehrenworth, mooching off of my parents, mooching off of Colin, Taco Bell, Sporty Spice, Cornwall Ont., E-Bay, and my cat.

TURN-OFFS: car thieves, crowd surfing, speeding tickets, diarrhea, light beer (which consequently gives me diarrhea), fake boobs, hummous, bands who try to bullshit us during interviews, smokers, toast, and blue balls.

10 FAVORITE PUNK BANDS: The Ramones, Screeching Weasel, Bad Religion, NOFX, Descendents, Teen Idols, Blink 182, Gob, Intensity, MxPx.

FAVOURITE INTERVIEW THAT WE DID: Frenzal Rhomb

THE BEST GIG I EVER SAW WAS: A tie between Ice-t w/Body Count at Porter Hall, 1992, and Nomeansno at Barrymores, 1998.

IF THEY WERE MAKING A MOVIE OF MY LIFE, I'D LIKE TO SEE MY PART PLAYED BY Ben Affleck, BUT THEY'D PROBABLY GET Ron Jeremy INSTEAD.

HOBBIES: answering your e-mail. That's all I do. Ever. Oh yeah, and watch Breaker High.

THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION ABOUT ME IS: that I have a small penis (it's only small when compared to Colins).

ANNOYING HABITS: biting my nails, and listening to Def Leppard.

MY FARTS SMELL LIKE: Chetos

THE LAST GOOD BOOK I READ WAS: the instructions for my penis pump.

MY BIGGEST REGRET IN LIFE IS: this one time I stuck my tongue to a pole in -30 temperatures when I was 8 years old. I'm not even making that one up.

IF I COULD MAKE ONE OF MY DREAMS COME TRUE, I WOULD: either play a set with AC-DC, or whack the guy from Savage Garden in the head with a folding chair, WWF style.