06/01/99

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The Blonde & the Helicopter...                                   

 A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all
the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on
how to pilot the solo helicopter. 
	He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent
her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great!
I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of
this."
	After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.The
instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that
she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she
crashed about half a mile away.
	He ran over and pulled her from  the wreckage. When he asked what happened,
she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was
starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the
big fan!

1. The Lawyer and the Genie

A lawyer is walking along a beach when he spots a lamp half-buried in the

sand. When he picks it up and rubs it, a genie pops out. "O Master," says

the genie, bowing, "I will grant you three wishes, as long as it is within my

power to grant them." 

The lawyer thinks about this for a while, then smiles. "First, I wish for a

red '56 Thunderbird with a white leather interior." The genie snaps his

fingers, and a passengerless car appears in the distance, driving up and

coming to a stop in front of the lawyer. 

Surprised and delighted, the lawyer announces, "For my second wish, I wish to

have more money than Bill Gates." 

"Open the trunk," answers the genie. Inside, the trunk contains stacks of

one-hundred-dollar bills. 

The lawyer is overjoyed with his sudden wealth, but can't think of a third

wish, thinking he has everything he will ever need. After deep contemplation,

he says, "Well, I have always wanted to travel to Hawaii, but I have a fear of

flying. Could you build a highway from California to Hawaii, so I can drive

there to vacation with my family?" 

"Oh, no," replies the genie. "It's such a tremendous distance. Can you

possibly imagine the work force and materials and time needed to build such a

road? I'm sorry, but it's impossible for me to grant that wish. Do you have

another wish?"

"Well," responds the lawyer, "my profession has been hated and abused by

Americans for years. I would like lawyers everywhere to be loved, respected

and revered by the American public."

Shaking his head, the genie pulls out a map of the Pacific Ocean and says,

"Now, do you want that highway built with two lanes or four?"

One day, Mr. Clinton walks off a boat with a small golden retriever.

"Nice dog, sir," said the man on the otherside.

"Yes, I got it for Hillary," said Mr. Clinton.

"Ah, good trade, sir!"

One day as the Presidents Limo is passing a very large farm it hits a pig

that has escaped from one of the pens and is going across the road. The

Chauffer stops the car and asks the President what to do. The president says

to go in and tell the people what happened. So, the Chauffer gets out, and

goes in to the house. 

About 4 or 5 hours go by and finally the Chauffer comes out of the house with

a huge smile on his face. Bill is surprised that he is so happy and asks him

what happened.

"Well, I went in and told them and the wife offered to bake me a cake. Then

the farmer came and he said 'I want you to have a nice juicy steak.' So he

went out and slaughtered his best cow and they made me a huge steak from the

best part of the cow. Then his beautiful 21 year old daughter came out and

said she wanted to sleep with me. And we went back to the barn and made love

for almost 3 hours."

"WOW," says the President. "What on earth did you tell them?" 

"Well," says the chauffer, "I just told them I was the President's chauffer,

and I killed the pig."

The Pope and Clinton die at the same time. Clinton goes to heaven and the

pope goes to hell. Of course this creates great confusion. Heaven calls hell

and says we want the pope and we want to give you clinton. hell says no.

Then heaven says we'll sue. Hell replies oh yeah and where to plan on getting

a lawyer!?

One day, President Clinton visited an elementary 

school. All the kids were so excited to get to 

meet the President. He began to talk to them and 

asked them to define the word "tragedy." "Well," 

one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog 

Rover, that would be a tragedy!" 

The President looked at the little girl and said, 

"No, sweetie. That would be an accident!"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his 

hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver 

ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son - 

That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know 

of a good example of a tragedy?"

One small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, 

Mr. President, if you and Hillary were blew up in 

Air Force One, most people would think that that 

was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason 

for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident 

and it sure would not be a great loss!

A blonde was walking down the street and went into th doctor's office.

The docter asked the blond " what is the problem?"

The blonde replied " every once in awhile im doin somthin and i hear a voice

and i look around and I see no one talking to me."

The doctor asked "what are you usally doing when you here that voice."

The blonde replied "talking on the phone."

Not to long ago a blonde had a near death experience that

has changed her forever. She was horseback riding, and everything was

going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried

with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Her foot became caught in the stirrup. She fell head first to the

ground and her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not

stop or even slow down.

Just when things were looking their worst, as she was giving up hope

and about to lose consciousness, there was a miracle: The Walmart

manager came and unplugged it.

There was a blonde man who walked into a hardware store one day and asked

the man behind the counter for the best chainsaw in the store. The man behind

the counter gave the blonde man the deluxe model and told him that this

chainsaw can cut down 25 trees an hour. The blonde man buys the chainsaw and

goes home. The next day he comes back furious. He says to the man behind the

counter "I thought you said it could cut down 25 trees an

hour"!!! I spent the whole day cutting one damn tree!!! The man behind the

counter didn't know what the problem was so he assured the Blonde man he would

fix it and as the man behind the counter started the chainsaw the blonde man

asks"WHATS THAT DAMN NOISE!?!"

The Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:

1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year,

instead of before.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new

car.

3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to

restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.

4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a

car '95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's

that way NOW!

6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as

reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with

a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars,

forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years. 

9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).

10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because

Microsoft was putting radios in all its models.

One of those "Dear Jen" letters...

Dear Jenny,

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get 

the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and 

explain.

It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten-year-old 

boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp 

for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual 

camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire, you 

know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight 

reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan 

knot tying. We tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he 

went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans 

and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of 

his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot 

down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't 

know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself.

These are some of my little Billy's letters.

Dear Mom,

The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only

good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time 

to program, so they let us stay up.

Love, Billy.

**

Dear Mom,

Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all

get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, 

can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's 

time for the flowchart class.

Love, Billy.

P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell 

checked, too.

**

Dear Mom,

Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the 

glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much 

of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer 

screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us 

weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.

Love, Billy.

**

Dear Mom,

I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp

ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real 

funny.

He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more 

money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. 

I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to 

people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

Love, Billy.

**

Dear Mother,

Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I

haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any 

computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less

than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. 

Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't 

call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.

Signed, Bill.

**

Dear Mother,

How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I

haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody 

wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I 

thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some 

money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've 

paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.

Regards, Bill.

**

Mother,

Stop treating me like a child. True... physically I am only ten years

old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, 

I can make your life miserable (i.e. the bank, credit bureau, and 

government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again, and 

this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal 

communication drain me.

Sincerely, Bill.

****

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. 

What can I do, Jenny? I know that it's probably too late to save my 

little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD 

from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. 

Thank you very much,

Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinner Product

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and

honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite

of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights).

You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged

to tell them how good it is. 

 If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the

oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter:

 If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set

itself and cook the dinner. 

 If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the

dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired

level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat

and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. 

 Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must

be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and

enter 

repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. 

 If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. 

 Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the

dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty.

These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven

you will need to upgrade your equipment. 

 Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken

variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp

and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft

Chicken is all you really need. 

 Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their

chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. 

Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in

Microsoft approved packaging. 

 Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that

version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in

advance. 

 Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer,

causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your

freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

 There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical

engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of

the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be

wrong. 

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and

trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not

knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified

and getting blocked somewhere. 

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a

suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open

the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"

Kentucky Drivers License Application

Fill out this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

Lover's Name: __________________________

2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle

[_] Mother [_] Son

[_] Father [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

If you obtained a higher education what was your major?

[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10, are you are still slow

lerrnin?

[_] Yes [_] No

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck ____ kitchen

____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse

____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194__

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown [_] Black

[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile

[_] 2 miles

[_] don't know

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar

on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How

many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their

hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,

do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has

anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any

of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back,

and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one

has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up

here and tell us about your experience.

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up

to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to

have sex with a ghost.

The student replies, "Ghost?!?" "Dang it, I thought you said

'goats.'"

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr Stewart's wife went into labor in the

middle of the night,and the doctor was called out to assist in the

delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be- busy, the doctor handed him

a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm

doing?" 

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!"

said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think

there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't

be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's

yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor.

"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

The Small and the Mighty

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man 

around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The massive bartender would 

squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to 

a patron. Anyone who could squeeze just one more drop of juice out would 

walk away with the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, 

longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a 

polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the 

bet." (After the laughter had died down,) the bartender said OK, grabbed a 

lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind 

to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the 

man clenched his fist around the lemon and, one by one, *six* drops fell 

into the glass!

As the crowd erupted into cheering, the bartender payed the $1000, and 

asked the little man, "What do you *do* for a living? Are you a lumberjack, 

a weightlifter, or what?"

The man adjusted his glasses on his nose and replied, "I work for the 

IRS."

A lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, and they both went to
Heaven.  God showed them to their rooms together.  He showed the Pope his room
first.  It looked like a room in the Hilton, nice and all, but nothing
spectacular.  Then he took the lawyer to his room.  It was gorgous!  It was
huge with a big-screen TV, king size waterbed, origional Monet canvases, fine
wines, and was the most wonderful thing the lawyer had ever seen!
   "Surely this can't be my room!" the lawyer cried, "How is it that the Pope
got a small plain room but I get this?"
   "Well," said God, "we've got tons of Popes up here, but you're the first
lawyer ever to get in!"

  send them to me at 

the web creator