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My Lost Years

By Sus

“What do ye mean, we don’t have any more converter clips?”

The familiar fever pitch Scottish brogue was music to her ears as she stepped through the doors of the engineering section. Already they were tearing the heart and soul out of her, getting ready for the refit. Picking her way amongst the debris of bulkhead and conduit cable, she waved furiously hoping to get the engineer’s attention, afraid that she might trip.

The frown of annoyance was replaced with a smile as the man spotted her. “Ah, Lassie, what brings you aboard?” he asked, making his way over.

“Just had to grab a couple of things I left behind. It’s amazing how much stuff you can collect in three years,” she said, hefting a small storage container.

“Aye, try five,” he said. “Are ye getting settled into your new apartment?”

“Yes and no,” she sighed. “Living planetside again is gonna take some getting used to.”

She quickly changed the subject. “So, are you about ready to start the refit Scotty?”

“Well, technically we’ve already started. But it’ll be a few weeks before we start with any of the new components.”

She looked around the cavernous room with a heavy heart. “I don’t know about you, Scotty. But I’m sure gonna miss her.”

“Aye,” he agreed. “I know what you mean.” Then his mood seemed to lift. “But she’ll be back and better than ever. I promise you that.”

The woman smiled and slapped him on the shoulder. “With you on the job, there’s no doubt of that.”

The walk back through the access tunnel between where the ship was berthed and the main bulk of space dock was like leaving home all over again; although the first time she had made the journey she hadn’t been alone.

“Hi Kevin, how are you today?” The handsome, young Lt. Commander Riley was sitting at his desk in the office, which doubled as a foyer to the vastly larger office beyond.

“Just fine,” he answered with the frenzied tone of a man overworked and unpaid. “I’ll let the admiral know you’re here.”

‘Admiral’, she thought. ‘I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to that title.’ It was an unsettling thought that he had gotten used to it much more easily that she would have ever thought.

Riley tapped on the huge mahogany door, exchanged a few words with the person inside, then returned.

“Go on in,” he said, rounding the desk to resume his duties.

“Hey, honey,” she said, closing the door behind her.

“Hi,” the man said with the briefest of smiles, quickly returning his attention to the computer terminal.

Crossing the lavishly furnished room, she came to stand in front of the enormous desk that felt small in comparison to the actual distance between them. “I got the rest of our stuff from the Enterprise.”

No response.

She endured a few seconds of awkward silence as he continued to study the screen, occasionally poking a key here and there or scrolling down as he kept reading.
“Jim, did you hear me?”

“Yes,” he answered absently.

She took in a deep breath and released it slowly, willing herself to remain calm. There had been a time not too long ago when the mere mention of the name Enterprise would put a sparkle in his eye and quite possibly a smile on his lips. Now, nothing. Had he become one of those “desk bound paper pushers” that he used to despise so?
The thought was chilling and heart breaking at the same time.

She decided to take a different approach. “I was wondering if you would want to grab some lunch.”

“No, thanks. I’m working through.”

“You really should….”

“Megan, I’m very busy here!” came his sharp retort.

She turned to make a hasty exit as the tears started to come again.

Moving head down through the corridors of Starfleet Command, she continually cursed herself for crying. ‘What is wrong with me?’ she wondered. ‘And what has happened to us?’
Not that long ago, their marriage had been filled with passion. They shared everything with each other. Their dreams, their hearts, their lives were intertwined. But just as soon as he began to distance himself for the ship that he had loved so dearly, a chasm began to form between husband and wife.

After returning to their San Francisco apartment to have lunch alone again, she returned to her duties for the afternoon. Being a highly rated science/engineering specialist, getting reassigned to the research facilities at HQ had been relatively easily. That plus, of course, being married to the newly promoted admiral.

And just as usual, at the end of the day she returned to the empty apartment. The physical burdens of the day got tossed on the table just inside the door as she carried the emotional ones with her to the windows overlooking the city. A storm was brewing out over the Pacific. Dark clouds out over the bay served as a warning. However, there was a more violent tempest churning within her that threatened to tear apart her very soul.

Drops of rain began to pelt the windows as she prowled around the spacious apartment. Everything seemed so big and empty. For seven years starships had been home, for the past three that home had been the Enterprise. She was used to the close quarters of a ship, but she knew the emptiness she felt was much more. Absently, she turned the titanium band on her finger as she roamed, moving from room to room.

Jim had sworn that he would get another Starship command if he had to move heaven and earth to get it. That he would never give in to Admiral Nogura. What had happened? He seemed so different now. Distant, almost like a completely different man from the one she had married.

“Admiral Kirk, you have an incoming call from Space Dock. It’s Mr. Scott, sir.”

“Thank you, Riley. Put him through.”

Another channel clicked opened. “Yes, Scotty. What can I do for you?”

“Captain….er, I mean Admiral, we’re having problems that require your attention.”

Kirk sighed in frustration. “What kind of problems?”

“Well, sir. Since you requested permission to supervise the refit…..” There was hesitation on the other end of the line.

“Come on, Mr. Scott. What is it?” He was becoming more annoyed by the second.
“The dockmaster refuses to assign new workers without your direct approval,” he finished, the exasperation evident in the engineer’s voice.

“I’ll look into it right away.”

The relief was apparent. “Thank ye, sir. Scott out.”

‘Doesn’t anyone understand the pressure I’m under here?’ Kirk thought, turning to stare out the window as the rain came down harder, beating against the window. He closed his eyes and could hear her call out to him, begging him to come back. The pull was so strong that even if he took just two steps further away his heart would rip from his chest. He had convinced himself that overseeing her refit would loosen her grip on his soul, but if anything the pleading had become more insistent. And then there was Megan. ‘Megan, my beautiful Megan. If only I could make you understand.’ He clearly remembered the look of disappointment on her face when he had told her that he was accepting the promotion. Although she steadfastly stood by him, he still couldn’t convince her that he had an unprecedented opportunity here to make a difference in a way that simply wasn’t possible if he were in command of a ship. He desperately loved his wife, but he didn’t know how to talk to her anymore.

Megan ignored the growling of her stomach as she watched the torrential deluge pound the city below from the couch which had become her new favorite spot. She didn’t want to eat alone again. Lightning flashed, thunder crashed. She was sitting there in the darkness watching the marvelous spectacle of nature when the door chime sounded.

“Lights on,” she ordered, then fumbled her way over to the door, squinting in the sudden brilliance of the room.

She opened the door and immediately smiled at the friendly face waiting on the other side.

“Bones, it’s so good to see you,” she exclaimed, reaching out to give the man a hug.

He returned the embrace. “Well now, you’re acting like you haven’t seen me in a month of Sundays.”

“It feels that way,” she replied, ushering him inside. “How are you doing?”

“Actually, I came by to see how you were doing,” he said, his smile turning into a look of concern.

“I’m fine Bones,” she answered flatly.

“Now, you may be able to sell that cockamamie fish story to somebody else but not me.”

“Your waiter will be right with you.”

The couple sat down at a table in the corner of the little restaurant. Dr. McCoy had used his Southern charms to convince Megan to join him for dinner. Actually, it didn’t take much arm twisting, but having a friendly argument with her former shipmate had lightened her mood considerably.

“Well Bones, since this is your favorite haunt, what do you suggest?” She asked, perusing the menu.

“Most everything here is excellent,” he answered from the other side of his own menu.

“However, my favorite is the trout.”

“Why, you surprise me,” She said, feigning shock. “I figured a good ole boy like you would prefer catfish.”

He lowered the menu and gave her a mock look of disgust that sent her into a fit of giggles. He soon joined her.

“Now, I haven’t laughed like that in a long time,” she gasped, trying to catch her breath.
Suddenly, the pager went off on Megan’s wrist communicator. The display showed the number at Jim’s office.

“I’ll be right back,” she said, getting up from the table with a feeling of dread anticipation. Whatever it was she didn’t want to discuss it in a room full of people.

She stepped into the little communications alcove next to the restrooms, taking in a deep breath and releasing it slowly as she dialed the direct line to his office.

“Kirk here.” The visual image showed him busily rushing around his office as if he were packing.

“Hi,” she said, trying to sound cheerful. “You paged me?”

“Yeah, I’ve got another assignment,” he replied, coming over to stand in front of the screen.

“Really, another ‘secret mission’ for Nogura,” she said, half-teasingly.

The humor was lost on him. “Something like that. I’ll be out of the system for a couple of days.” Translation: Who knows when he’d be back?

“Okay. Be careful,” she responded, not really knowing what to say. “I….
Before she could finish, the connection was terminated from the other end.
“……love you.”

From her expression, McCoy could pretty much outright guess what was going on.
“He’s going on another trouble-shooting mission,” he stated, matter of factly.

Megan plopped down in her chair and buried her face in her hands. After several seconds, she lifted her headed and looked her friend straight in the eye. “What’s wrong with him or is it me?”

“Jim is doing the one thing that I have never seen him do before in all of the years that I’ve known him. He’s compromising.” The words hung in the air like a heavy morning fog. “He’s compromising his dream, his destiny, denying his heart and lying to himself all at the same time.”

“If only there were something I could do.”

McCoy looked Heavenward as if praying for a miracle. “You know Jim, once he’s made up his mind he’s more stubborn than a mule and twice as thick-headed.” He sighed himself and his voice lowered almost like he was talking to himself. “Even worse when he knows he’s wrong and trying to convince himself otherwise.”

The conversation turned to lighter topics as they ordered and ate a scrumptious meal. They talked, laughed, ate, and laughed some more as they retold favorite stories of antics that had happened during their respective tenures on the Enterprise.

At one point, Megan looked out the windows to see a shuttle rising from the roof of Starfleet HQ. ‘Come home’, she implored with her thoughts.

The shuttle raced through the atmosphere towards space dock and the ship that waited to take Kirk to his next task. He had always argued that he was a soldier, not a diplomat. But now, he was a diplomat. He wondered how he had gotten so far from where he wanted to be. Only a few, short months ago his life was complete. He had everything he had ever wanted and more. He had the Enterprise. That alone had been the fulfillment of a life long dream, but then to marry the woman of his dreams. A woman who continually filled him with desire and understood him in a way no other woman ever had. He simply couldn’t ask for more.

Then the five-year mission ended. The Enterprise was placed in dry-dock for refit. He was denied another command and Nogura had dogged him with the determination of a blood hound until Kirk had finally accepted promotion, with assurances that he would still make a difference for the Federation. But however you looked at it, he was a diplomat.

Frustration made his blood boil as he stared out the front viewport, space dock looming ever closer eclipsing the moon. After he returned from this little “errand”, he and the Admiral were going to “renegotiate” the terms of his advancement. But for now, he had to focus on the job ahead.

Traffic through the historical downtown was picking up as Megan Kirk and Leonard McCoy stepped through the doors of the antique mall. The rain had stopped for the moment but another squall line would soon march across the bay. Jim’s birthday was coming up soon and she had been window shopping one day when she spotted the perfect present, but she needed a second opinion.

The merchant took the jeweled dagger from the display and handed it across the counter.
The steel of the blade was cool to the touch as the light danced along its edge. Encrusted rubies and emeralds adorned the handle. McCoy hefted it in his left hand. The weapon had a good balance and despite the extravagant ornamentation had been designed for practical use.

McCoy haggled with the storeowner for a few minutes. In the end, Megan paid fifty credits less than the original asking price.

“You know you’re artifacts,” the man said with obvious appreciation.

McCoy dismissed the compliment. “Just something I’ve learned to appreciate over the years.”

“If you would be interested, I have a special room in the back for people such as yourselves that have an appreciation for ancient weaponry.” The merchant smiled in hopeful anticipation of regaining those fifty credits that he had just lost.

He looked over to Megan. “Well, I haven’t gotten him anything yet.”

The man’s grin grew even wider as he led them towards a long hallway that led to a back room.

Halfway down the hall, Megan was hit by a wave of nausea and dizziness.
“Bones, I don’t feel so…good,” she managed to get out as she slumped against the wall
and began to slide down.

And fell into the beckoning arms of unconsciousness.

The first sight that welcomed her back to the realm of the living was the overly concerned face of Dr. McCoy leaning over her.
“How do you feel?”

“Like I just slammed into a brick wall,” she said groggily.

A hint of a smile reassured her that she wasn’t in mortal danger. He helped her sit up on the diagnostic bed. She looked around and saw they were in the medical section of HQ.

‘I can’t seem to escape from this place,’ she thought, steadying herself.

“Ah, I see our patient’s alive and kicking.” Megan fought back the fogginess in her brain as she tried to place the very familiar voice.

“Christine.”

“Feeling better?” Christine Chapel came over to stand by McCoy.

She started to panic. “Bones, where is the….”

“Don’t worry,” he reassured her. “I had it delivered to your apartment.”

She visibly relaxed, then saw that both of her friends bore the same look of concern.
“What is it?”

“We need to talk.”

She couldn’t believe it. “This can’t be happening now.”

Megan paced the length of the small corner office.

“There are worse things,” Chapel offered.

It didn’t help.

She turned to look at McCoy. “Bones, what am I going to do?”

For once, he didn’t know what to say.

As promised, the package containing the recently obtained birthday present was waiting at the apartment when McCoy escorted her home. After he had left, she stood there turning the package over and over in her hands before finally setting it down on the glass table.
She opened the door and peeped out to make sure that Bones hadn’t hung around to make sure that she stayed put. Certain that he was gone, she pulled the door shut behind her and made her way to the transporter station.

Space dock was eerily quiet this time of night, but there were more pressing matters on Megan’s mind as she strolled toward her destination.

She turned down a dark passageway. Her mind was reeling with everything that she had just learned, especially the little tidbit of news that Chapel had given her.

‘Well, at least he still loves one of us,’ she thought, passing the doorway and stopping in front of the small rectangular viewport at the end of the corridor. She had a direct view of bay five. ‘If he still loves you, maybe he can love me again.’

She stood there, staring at the ship she used to call home. She had come to feel in the last three years that she had her own special connection to this ship. She didn’t have any problems sharing the man she loved with her. Some would call it an eternal triangle. He had needed his ship as much as she needed him. They were forever bound, or so it had seemed. Although she couldn’t put it into words, she understood. Instead of becoming jealous, she had joined in the symbiosis and developed her own special bond to the other love of Jim’s life.

Now, she sent out a cry for help through that bond.

Placing her hand against the transparent aluminum, the Enterprise became blurred by her tears. ‘Help us,’ she pleaded. ‘You’re our only hope.’

A week later, Admiral James T. Kirk found himself on the Yorktown bound for home.
It had been an exhausting mission, but in the end, a peace treaty had been signed and a war averted. In other words, the squabbling children had been put to bed. He found it ironic that he could help bring together two powerful adversaries ready to go to war, but he didn’t know how to bridge the gap between himself and the one he loved most.
He paced the stateroom, pausing briefly to look out at the stars as they streaked by.

“What am I going to do?” He asked himself, barely a whisper.

He wondered how he had gotten so far away from where he wanted to be most. In his mind, he went back to the days on the farm; playing with Sam in the huge hayloft of the barn, lying in the fields late at night gazing longingly at the stars above, knowing that he would go there someday. Follow in his father’s footsteps.
Where was that surety now? That confidence in the center of his spirit that told him that his dreams would not be denied. He would break the rules, make his own when necessary, and even change the laws of physics if he had to. He chuckled at that last one.
How many times had he heard that very compliant from Scotty over the past five years? Then in some miraculous engineering fear manage to do that very thing.

‘I have to find my way back’, he concluded. That boy who had dreamed of travelling among the stars back in the cornfields of Iowa still lived in the man whose reflection stared back at him from the viewport. Then the view in his mind changed to one of him and Megan making love in those same cornfields under those same stars. They had spent part of their honeymoon on the Kirk family farm.

‘I may have lost the Enterprise, but I’m not losing her.’ He relaxed and smiled at the line he had drawn in the sand. The time of concessions was over. ‘And in the process, I’m getting the Enterprise back. Someway, somehow I will.’

During the time that her husband had been gone, Megan’s world had turned upside down, right side up, then upside down again. The day after McCoy’s prognosis she had stopped by Jim’s office to retrieve something she had left only to find his “partner” sitting behind his desk. At least that’s what the woman had called herself. Apparently, Nogura had teamed Jim up with the head of the special task group that had chosen him for this latest trouble shooting assignment.

Instantly, Megan didn’t like the woman. Her blond hair cascaded down over the shoulders of her form fitting uniform. Form fitting was a bit of an understatement, Megan wondered how the woman managed to breathe let alone move around in something so tight. A bitter jealousy rose up in her as the woman sat there behind her husband’s desk, gloating about how closely that she and ‘Jim’ had been working together. This floozy had the audacity to throw around his first name like they were close friends or even…..

No, Megan would not, could not, go there.

Yet, even as she had left the office, the seed of doubt was planted. And as the remaining days went by, the seed began to take root.

Kirk strode through the hallways of Starfleet Command with a newfound sense of purpose. He knew what he wanted and Heaven help whoever stood in his way.
Kevin Riley had to almost run to keep up with him as he entered the office.

“Welcome back, sir.”

Before he had a chance to go further, Kirk interrupted him. “Riley, schedule a meeting with Admiral Nogura. I need to speak with him ASAP if not before.”

“Right away, sir,” the young man responded, rather taken aback.

‘There that’s much better,’ Kirk thought as Riley made a hasty retreat. The changes he had made were already being noticed. He couldn’t wait to introduce those changes to his wife.

He heard the door to his office open again. Not turning from the window he said, “Riley, I thought I told you…”

“I’m not Riley,” came the purr of a voice.

Kirk turned around with a sigh of exasperation. “Hello, Natasha.”

The woman gave him a look of feigned hurt. “I thought you would be glad to see me.”

“After this last mess you got me into,” he began.

She slinked across the room toward him. “Now, now, remember what the Admiral said.”

A look of disdain played across Kirk’s handsome features. “The Admiral’s orders,” he corrected. “Are the only reason I’m even working with you.”

She stopped right in front of him, almost touching, but not. Kirk backed up a couple of steps hoping to discourage yet another advance he had endured since he had been forced to affiliate with this “rogue” Starfleet intelligence agent. He still failed to understand why Nogura had felt that an alliance between them was necessary or beneficial to his position in any way. Yet, she had been able to more readily produce helpful information vital to the quick dissolution to dangerous conflicts more than once and on one occasion had even saved his life.

“But the ends do not justify the means,” he added, voicing the ending of his thought.

“They can and do,” she countered, beginning to take a step toward him.

Megan hurried along the crowded corridors. A favor had been called in at space dock and she had been alerted so soon as Jim’s ship had docked and he had been beamed back to HQ. She had to talk to him, about more than one thing. First, she wanted him to explain why that woman had been in his office, but more importantly, they needed to discuss the future. She knew that she had to get it out in the open as soon as possible. It was eating her up inside. The uncertainly of how he would react, her own confusion. The sooner he knew the better. Then maybe, just maybe this would bring them back together.
She forced the webs of fatigue of yet another sleepless night from her brain and concentrated on making her legs move faster.

Kirk’s body became rigid as she started to take a step toward him. “I don’t have time for this.”

“Ah, but you can make the time, Admiral.” The emphasis she placed on the title turned Kirk’s stomach. He had tolerated it before, but now the title dredged up a feeling of disgust and disdain.

She acted before he had a chance to retaliate.

 

Turning the corner, Megan slowed her pace and concentrated on taking deep breaths.
Riley looked up as she approached. “I’m sorry, Ma’am. Someone’s in there with him right now.”

“Riley, I have to see my husband. Now.” She had endured this for a week by herself. She needed him back. Needed him to help her, to stand by her. She couldn’t do this alone.

“If you’d like, you can wait,” he added helpfully, beginning to stand. “Or I could buzz him and see….”

She’d had enough. “Oh buzz off, Kevin!” she blurted, moving past him.

He tried to intercept her, but he was too late. She deftly avoided his attempt and gripped the brass knob of the wooden door.

And as the door swung open, she saw the one thing that she thought would never happen.
She stood there, frozen, watching in horrified shock as her husband, her Jim, kissed another woman.

Kirk should have seen this coming. After all, Natasha’s advances were becoming more brazen all the time. She had literally leapt at him, her lips coming down hard on his. Her grip was so hard that it took him several seconds to finally broke loose and push her away. His concentration was so focused on getting free that he hadn’t heard the door open. It was Riley’s raised voice that made him look toward the door and when he did his heart broke. For there, standing in the doorway was Megan, the pain so evident on her face that Kirk couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, let alone speak.

Megan simply couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Of all the things that Jim Kirk had become over the past few months, the last thing she had expected him to become was an adulterer. The bitter pangs of betrayal enveloped her. Her senses were overloaded with what she saw and felt. She saw them part and then he turned to look at her. All of her being was screaming at her to do one thing and she did it.

As she turned in the doorway and bolted down the hall, Kirk found his voice.

“Megan.” It can out as more of a ragged whispered, then fear began to take hold.

“Megan!” He called out louder this time and started to run for the door himself.

“Let her go,” came the seductive voice of his would-be partner-in-destruction.

The woman laid on the floor with a hard thud as Kirk pushed her out the way to go after the one thing he had vowed not to lose. He didn’t care who saw him. He ran full out down the hallway calling her name.

She didn’t care who saw her. In her mad dash, she somehow managed to take off her wrist communicator and smash it against the wall. People scrambled to get out of the way and those unfortunate few who weren’t fast enough got pushed out of the way as she weaved her way through a sea of humanity. There was only one place she would be safe.

In the back of her mind, she knew she needed to calm down and think. But first, she had to make sure that he couldn’t find her. After all, why would he go back there?
A sudden cramp almost doubled her over in pain, but she forced her legs to keep moving.
She used the pain to fuel her drive. She had no idea what was happening, but she dare not stop. ‘It’s not much farther,’ became the mantra that kept her from succumbing to the increasing pain.

“Just do it!” The sharp retort caught the man on the other end of the line by surprise.

“Aye, aye, sir,” came the man’s timid reply.

“I don’t care what it takes, find her!” he cut the link and slammed his fist on the desk in frustration.

James T. Kirk cupped his face in his hands. ‘How could I have allowed this to happened?’ he blamed himself. ‘There’s no telling what she thinks of me now.’
After being on the precipice of a glorious reconciliation, he had fallen into a pit of despair. He had meticulously combed the headquarters building, the research lab where she worked, her favorite stores and restaurants, and had even been to their apartment three times. One of the few privileges he actually enjoyed about being an admiral was that he wasn’t alone in his quest. Even now, a team was scouring the bay. Little did any of them know that she was no longer in San Francisco.

The familiar comfort of the bed eased the pain to an extent. She lay curled up in the fetal position, her mind, heart, and body screamed in agony. The dreadful image seared into her brain. Somehow, this had been her fault. That was the only explanation she could come up with. She had driven him away into another woman’s arms. No, that couldn’t be right. He was the one who had pulled away, had changed. She mopped her eyes as a new torrent of tears began to flow. Another surge of nausea hit. She managed to make it the bathroom yet again before she threw up. Then the bleeding started.

“Dear God, what is happening to me?” She fumbled her way back to the bed and collapsed into oblivion.

All hope seemed gone. Then a divine appointment took place.

“Dr. McCoy, it’s so nice to see ye. Would ye care to join me for a drink?” The engineer rose from the table at his friend’s approach in the very same restaurant that Megan and McCoy had been just over a week ago.

A frantic McCoy skipped the pleasantries. “Scotty, have you seen Megan recently? Jim is out of his mind with worry.”

In an instant, Scott’s expression went from pleasant surprise to worry. “Aye, I have. What’s wrong?”

“No, time to explain now,” said McCoy. “Do you know where she is?”

“I don’t know where she is now, but the last time I saw her was just as I was coming off-shift.”

“You mean in space dock.”

“Aye, I was just fixin’ to lock up for the night when she met me at the airlock door. She told that she needed to get onboard to find something. She practically begged me and I didn’t see any harm.” Scott stopped for a moment as his concern deepened. “She did seem upset.”

“To put it mildly,” McCoy muttered.

“What did ye say?” Scott asked.

“Come on Scotty,” McCoy urged, tugging on Scott’s arm. “We’ve gotta find her and fast.”

By the time Kirk arrived on the scene, there was an emergency medical team surrounding the still form that lay on the tiny bed. McCoy was giving orders with the skilled aptitude that made him the best surgeon in the fleet. Already there was an IV pumping vital fluids into her right hand, as they prepared to move her to an anti-grav gurney hovering next to the bed.

Something caught Kirk’s eye. On the floor was a sickening trail of blood that tracked a course from the bathroom to the bed. As they moved her from the room, he caught McCoy by the arm.

“Bones, what’s going on? What’s wrong?”

A hint of frustration tingled with hidden knowledge crossed his face. “We’ll talk later, but time is of the essence right now, Jim.”

Megan felt herself drifting in and out of consciousness, but she didn’t care. At least the pain was gone and although she couldn’t understand it right then, she found an odd sense of loss. She could hear voices in the distance. Bones was here and had she heard Jim’s voice? She drifted downward again into sleep.

Kirk stood at the window, watched and prayed. A much smaller group of med techs surrounded the bed now, which he took to be a good sign. McCoy was still working feverishly to stabilize her condition. And he wouldn’t be allowed in until she was.
One question kept repeating itself over time and again. ‘Why did she go back to the Enterprise?’ McCoy and Scott had found her in their old quarters aboard ship. Without a second to spare too, as Scotty had recounted it to him. She had been unconscious on the bed and bleeding badly.

He inwardly cursed himself again for letting that she-devil get the drop on him. That one moment of letting his guard down had caused all of this. ‘Won’t I ever learn? How many crewmen have I lost for one moment of self-indulgence?’

She looked so fragile and pale. It twisted the knife is his heart, stabbed him to the very core of his being.

He placed his hand on the cool glass. “I’m sorry, honey. I’m so sorry.” It came out as a ragged whisper.

Finally, McCoy straightened and came out, closing the door behind him. He placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder and answered the question burning in his eyes.

“She’ll be fine now, Jim.”
“Bones….what….happened?” He punctuated each word with the intensity of a phaser blast.

McCoy opened his mouth, then closed it again, unsure how to start. The direct approach had always been what Jim had preferred, why should it be any different now. “Jim, I know that she didn’t have time to tell since you hadn’t just gotten back…”

“What is it? Tell me.” He didn’t want any flowery details. He needed cold, hard facts and that’s exactly what he got.

“Jim,” McCoy began, tears forming in his eyes. “Megan was pregnant.”

“Was?” Kirk felt as if he had just been kicked in the gut. Hot tears began to burn his eyes as he looked through the window again.

“She lost the baby.”

His mind reeled. ‘Baby?’ She had been pregnant with his, their child.

“I’m sorry, Jim.” Jim turned to his old friend and the tears flowed down both their faces. “God, I’m so sorry.”

The door to their apartment swung open as Kirk helped his wife into the living room. She had initially resisted his help, but gave in because of her weakened condition. He guided her over to the couch. After helping her get settled and covering her with a blanket, he sat down on the coffee table. Everytime he looked into her eyes, the pain he saw there was so raw, so naked that it had him want to look away.

“We need to talk.”

“What about?” came her cold reply. Never before had she felt so alone and empty. She had only been aware of the pregnancy for a little over a week, but the sense of loss was still profound.

Kirk was almost thankful when they were interrupted by the chime of the wall comm unit.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, rising to answer the call.

Earth receded rapidly in the viewport as the Republic proceeded out of the system under full impulse power. Megan felt more at home in space and let out a sigh of relief as the giant gaseous body of Saturn glided past on the starboard side.
The call Jim had answered was yet another call to duty, but this time he had to bring her along. In fact, all of the available former Enterprise crewmen had been rounded up for this assignment. And the situation was serious enough that McCoy had grudgingly approved her physical fit for duty. She mused to herself that it was probably because, in part, that he needed a friendly ear to grouse to since he had been “commandeered” himself, as he had put it. From what she knew so far, this was all about one of the new Federation members with which the Enterprise had made first contact. The orbit of their world was shifting. The recent explosion of a moon orbiting one of the outer planets of the system had adversely affected the gravitational fields through the entire system. If the orbit of Sujaskiran was not corrected within the next six months, the surface would be uninhabitable.

The inhabitants of this world were an intensely private people. Even then the situation was critical, they absolutely insisted on working only with the crew of the ship which had brought them the glorious news that indeed they were not alone in the universe. In all, they were roughly 50 Enterprise crewmen aboard. Most of them were part of the engineering department that had stayed with the Enterprise to aid in her transformation. Although Scotty had been his usual bit of complaining about the refit falling behind schedule, he was now fully immersed in the perplexity of the problem. Soon, Megan would be also. Scotty had called an engineering detail briefing at 1700 hours. It was almost a relief that she probably wouldn’t be seeing much of Jim because whereas she would be working on the engineering end of things, he would be serving as liaison between the Republic and the leaders of Sujaskiran.

But until the meeting she would sit here and rest. The only things she seemed to feel were betrayal and loss. Absently, she reached down and rubbed her stomach. ‘If only this had happened at some other time,’ she thought. The fetus had been well formed enough for McCoy to tell her that it was a boy. She wondered if he would have had his father’s eyes and his insatiable curiosity. Then her thoughts turned to Jim. He had sat by her bedside and explained that the kiss she had witnessed was totally initiated by Lt. Stiles. He had absolutely not romantic interest in her at all and had in fact, had to ward off several advances from the woman during the time they had worked together. She had watched the sincerity in his eyes.

She loved him, but could she trust him?

“Impulse engines?” The incredulous surprise in Ensign Lassiter’s voice rose above the clamor of the room.

All eyes turned to Montgomery Scott. “It’s worked before, lad. It just might work again.”
After every conceivable and even some inconceivable options had been placed on the table, this seemed to be the only one with the best chance of working.

Scotty punched up the schematic on the wall viewscreen. With the touch of another button, the planet rotated until a large patch of brown was dead center then stopped.

“That, ladies and gentlemen, is our target, the Vastakha desert.”

The basic idea was to embed impulse engines into the rock beneath that barren waste and fire them to correct the planet’s orbit. After the framework of the strategy was laid down, assignments were handed out to fill in the numerous and painstaking details of how it would be implemented. The biggest detail was, to say the least, the most daunting. Once they got Sujaskiran back to its original orbit, could they be sure that it would stay there?

Late the next night, Megan found herself back on the rec deck in her newest favorite spot. Even after all the time they had spent apart, she still found it very difficult to sleep alone.
And since she had requested separate quarters from Jim, that’s exactly what she had to do, sleep alone. But she needed a little space and time to think and to grieve. She sat on the plush, gray couch with her feet resting on the matching ottoman. Maybe refits weren’t so bad after all. The new furnishings were more luxurious than anything she had seen before in her tour of duty. A portable access terminal to the library computers was propped against her knees as she read the continuous stream of data.

Her assignment, should she choose to accept it or not, was to analyze how the structural integrity of Sujaskiran would be affected by what they were planning.

Just as she turned to reach for her cup of tea on the table beside her, a small flashing symbol at the bottom of the screen caught her attention. It was incoming subspace mail.
When she retrieved the message, it was from her mother-in-law. Jim’s mother, Winona. At first, she wondered if Jim had told her about the baby, but by the content of the letter he hadn’t.

Megan,
Hello dear, I have been thinking of you a lot the past few days so I thought I would drop you a line just to see how everything is going. I so enjoyed our visit; it is so good to have you and Jim home again. Even thought it was a little surprising for a Starfleet admiral to come out to the farm to try to recruit Jim for the admiralty, it didn’t bother me. That’s the one thing that being an officer’s wife taught me. Always expect the unexpected. But enough about that, you are an officer’s wife and an officer yourself. Oh honey, I am so proud of you. My son couldn’t have picked a finer wife and I couldn’t have picked a finer daughter. In such a short space of time I have come to think of you as one of my own.

Now, for a little news from the homefront. Peter will be celebrating his 14th birthday next Saturday. He has grown so fast in the short time he’s been here with me. George and Aureliene would be so proud. I only wish that they could have seen their boy grow up to be the fine young man he’s becoming.

We haven’t had any rain lately. All of this technology and it still won’t rain if you don’t pay the preacher enough. J Thankfully though, the new fertilizer that Jason (you remember him, my new foreman) concocted seems to be keeping the corn crop alive. I let the boys do most of the work in the fields these days. The rose garden gets most of my attention. The new fertilizer doesn’t seem to be helping them a bit. It seems that if you stand there long enough, you can almost see them wilting right before your eyes. We sure could use some of that rain that San Francisco got pelted with. I was watching the news that night and saw some pictures of what a massive storm that was.

Oh yes, and would you tell that son of mine to call or write his mother. I haven’t heard a thing from him since your visit. Sometimes I still have no clue as to what’s going on in that brain of his. Not that I’m sure that I ever did. But in all seriousness, I know he’s having a tough time of it right now. You are too, for that matter. Getting used to living in a new place, new jobs, these are not easy things. Then again, the things in life worth having are often what you have to fight the hardest for. I guess I’m just rambling on again. So, I’ll close for now.

Let me know how you are dear.

Take care of yourself and that thickheaded boy of mine. He loves you so much. He may not be telling you how much lately, but he does. He’s going through a lot of changes right now. So go easy on him.

And yourself.

Love,
Winona

Tears slid down Megan’s face as she read the letter. Winona had become a second mom to her. The two women had formed an instant, unbreakable bond the first day they had met on the farm. As Megan read the letter again, an image of the Kirk family farm filled her mind; golden corn stalks swaying gently in the afternoon breeze, a clear azure sky overhead, the smell of hay drying in the barn. Then she remembered walking along with Jim through the fields at night listening to him tell her stories of lying on his back and longing to go to those stars as a young boy. And stories too, of the things that he and Sam would do together, often getting into trouble, but ultimately getting each other out again somehow.

Then another image pushed itself to the forefront of her mind. She pictured the same field. Running through it was a little boy with sandy blond hair and the most beautiful hazel eyes; eyes that danced when he laughed and always had just a twinkle of mischief to them.

She looked up to see the young boy in the reflection of the man as she saw Jim’s reflection in the wall of windows. Megan straightened up and turned around. She fought back the urge to run to him. How she wanted him to hold her right now. She desperately wanted to share her grief with him, but something held her back. He looked as if he hadn’t slept for days.

Slowly, almost lingeringly, he crossed the distance between them. Kirk’s heart broke as he watched the tears slid down Megan’s face. Sure, he had known lose before, but never like this. An unborn child, their unborn child. A little boy, McCoy had told them.

His mind went back to the first time he had found out that he was a father. Carol had sent him a message along with a picture of a little curly blond-headed boy named David. Carol had been very insistent about him not having any contact with David. In a single message, she had given and taken away a son. The old wound seemed to open up again at losing another child. At least, David would get to grow up and have a full and happy life.
This little boy had been denied that.

He fought to get his emotions under control as he sat down in front of her. Tenderly, he reached over and wiped the tears away. He gazed into her eyes as he struggled to form the words that he wanted to say to her. Not only had they lost a child, he had almost lost her as well.

“I’m sorry,” was all he could manage.

Megan placed her hand on top of his as fresh tears replaced the ones that he had just wiped away. She could see the grief and regret. “It’s not your fault.”

“Isn’t it?” He was blaming himself like he had with some many other deaths. “I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. When you came to me, I let myself…..”

“Jim, you can’t blame yourself for a woman throwing herself at you.”

“I should have stopped it sooner. I should have seen it coming.” He dropped his head as the hot tears that had begun to sting his eyes dropped onto the floor.

“The fault is mine and no one else’s,” she said, finally voicing what she had been feeling for days. “If I had just called Bones at the first sign of trouble, this wouldn’t have happened. I just didn’t want…..”

“…..me to find you.” He finished for her.

“I’m sorry, Jim,” Megan said.

Jim lifted his head. “What do you have to be sorry for?”

“This was your child too. I should have been more careful. I should have taken care of myself. But most importantly, I should have trusted you.” She took a deep breath as she pushed aside the horrible image she had witnessed that day. “I should have known better. I should have known that you wouldn’t do anything like that.”

“But I have given you enough reasons to doubt me over these past few weeks,” he said.
Megan offered up a silent prayer before making her next statement. “But we both know, that this goes beyond losing the baby.” She looked deeply into her husband’s eyes.

“Where did we go wrong?”

“I’m not sure,” he said, answering as honestly as he could. “But it may have something to do with the fact that I’ve been so busy trying to convince myself that this promotion is what I want that I haven’t been much of a husband to you lately.”

“Well, I haven’t exactly been very supportive,” she replied. However good honesty was for the soul, it was very painful.

When he started to protest, she put her hand to his lips. The touch sent a shock wave of desire through her. As much as she’d been through; she still desperately loved him. He pulled her into a tender embrace. How she had missed the feeling of his body pressed against hers, the warmth of his skin.

Pulling back, he asked the question that had been plaguing them both since the Enterprise had returned to earth. “Where do we go from here?”

“Well, forgiveness would be a very good place to start,” she said. She took both of his hands in hers. “I forgive you.”

The relief was immediately evident on his face but he didn’t say anything.

They sat there for a few seconds in silence. “And?” she finally prodded.

“There’s nothing that you need forgiveness for,” he said, exasperated, wanting to take all of the blame.

“If we are to save what we have, you have to forgive me. We have to share everything, including the blame.”

“I don’t want to lose you.” His voice was taunt with emotions beyond his control.

Tears spilled down her face and onto their intertwined hands. “Then you have to forgive me.”

The emotional floodgate was opened as he allowed the grief to wash over him. “I forgive you,” he whispered through his own tears.

Over the course of the next few days, Jim and Megan began to get to know each other again. And since it was going to take at least another ten days to reach their destination, they took advantage of the time. In between command briefings and engineering detail meetings, they would meet for lunch or just spend time talking and laughing. No one made her laugh like he did. And it had been a long time since they had stayed up until the wee hours of the morning just talking.

The night before they reached their destination, Megan had a surprise planned for Jim.
She had left him a hand-written note that simply said:

Meet me on the observation deck at 1930 hours. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Megan

He buried his nose in the paper and deeply inhaled the scent of her favorite perfume. Not wanting to be outdone, he laid the note carefully on the desk, flipped on the computer terminal and punched in his measurements for a new tuxedo just as easily as calling up a fresh uniform for the day. If this was how advanced the Enterprise was going to be after her refit, he just may have to get her back. Being back in action warping through deep space over the past few days had rekindled his desire for being on the frontlines again. The excitement of exploring new worlds and being in the heat of action whether it be defending Federation planets or helping some world to avert a impending disaster, this latest mission brought back the passion that had burned so hot within him not that long ago. Also, his passion for his wife had been rekindled over the past few days. He had been hiding for far too long, hiding from himself and the people who loved him most. Well, no more. Tonight was the start of a new beginning for him and Megan. He would reclaim the life he loved and would make sure somehow that he was sitting in the center seat on the bridge of the Enterprise where she sat sail again no matter what it took.

After donning the tuxedo, he moved into the bathroom for a quick final check then headed for his rendezvous.

Megan stood there in the darkness staring out at the stars, anxiously awaiting Jim’s arrival. She had noticed a marked change in him and herself over the past few days. There had been new, valuable lessons they had learned together. The most important however was that each day was a new beginning. With each new morning, she could choose Jim again, choose to forgive again, and let the past be the past. Sure, she would always miss the child that they had lost. There would always be a special place in her heart for that precious baby boy. Now, they could grieve and heal together. In forgiveness and beginning again, they would honor him and he would always be a part of them. She felt the knot of excitement in her stomach tighten when she heard the door open.

As the doors to the observation deck opened, Jim felt his heart stop. There silhouetted by the stars was the most breathtaking vision he had ever seen. The tight curves of the black dress left only a little to his imagination, not that he was complaining. He felt a wave of hot desire began to well up within him as he crossed the distance between them. Wrapping his arms around her, she drew him into a long, lingering kiss. Pulling back, he saw the love in her eyes that he had once feared that he would never see again.

“Happy Birthday,” she said, pulling him in again.

After a few playful seconds, they parted once more. “I think this is a birthday I’m going to enjoy,” he teased, noticing the nearby table complete with candlelight, plenty of strawberries and whipped cream, and a carefully wrapped package.

“Oh, I’m here to make sure of that,” she replied. His eyes shone like liquid pools of amber. There was a fire there that she had longed to see for a long time. And he was so incredibly sexy in that tuxedo. She didn’t want to let go when he slipped from the embrace.

“And what is this?” he asked, picking up the beautifully wrapped box.

“Oh, that’s mine,” Megan quipped, reaching to take the box from him.

“Oh, I don’t think so,” he said, holding the box over her head just out of reach.

“Now, how can you be so sure that it’s for you,” she said, loving to tease him.

He looked off in mock contemplation. “Well, let’s see, it’s my birthday. So that would make it….mine.”

Going into “attack” mode, Megan went for the ribs and began to tickle him.

“No, no,” he began to retreat across the room with the package behind his back. “You’re not gonna get it that way.”

“Well,” Megan purred strolling toward him. “I’m just going to have to change my plan of action.” Circling her arms around his neck, she began to peck then pulled him into a slow, wet kiss that left them both breathless and hungry for more.

After a few minutes of rapturous ecstasy and before they passed the point of no stopping, Megan asked, “Don’t you want to open your present?”
“I thought that was what I was doing,” he replied, pressing their bodies closer.

He always knew how to make her feel sexy. “You might want to open the one behind your back first.”

“Oh yeah, I’d forgotten about that one.” His smile was the most beautiful thing Megan thought she had ever seen. He made short work of the wrapping and carefully opened the case. His face lit up like a little boy at Christmas and for an instance she got another glimpse of what they son would have looked like. “This is incredible. I’ve been wanting one like this for a long time,” he said. The flames from the candles danced along the blade and in the stones on the hilt. Taking the dagger from the box, he handled it with the utmost care.

“So, I guess you like it.”

“Like it?” he retorted. “I love it.” He placed it carefully back into the box. “Thank you. It’s the best present I’ve ever gotten.” Then he stopped. “No, I take that back.” He took Megan in his arms and gazed into her eyes. “Not losing you was the best present I could ever ask for.” This time he initiated the kiss.

“And I have one more surprise for you,” she said, stepping over to the control panel on the far wall. Soft strains of piano music followed by the lonesome wail of a trumpet filled the room. She walked back over to him.

He held out his hand to her. “May I have the pleasure?”

“I’d love to,” she answered.

Their bodies moved as one to the music and Megan felt as if she had come home. “I could stay in your arms forever,” she whispered.

“And you will, if I have anything to say about it,” he replied.

Later that night, they lay in each other’s arms. Jim leaned over and gave Megan a tender kiss. “I was right. This was one of the best birthdays I’ve had.”

A smile tugged at the corner of Megan’s mouth. “So, I guess it turned out like you wanted it to then.”

He nibbled the tender flesh behind her ear. “Um, better than I could have hoped for.”
“And the tuxedo was a nice touch,” she added.

He let out a soft chuckle. “You liked that then.”

“Oh yes, very much so. For a minute there, I thought it was my birthday.”

That got a good, hearty laugh out of him. He twisted a strand of her fiery hair as he gazed into her soulful blue eyes. “I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you.”

He traced the curve of her jaw with his fingertip. “That day you ran out of my office. I was so frantic with worry. I was afraid that I would never see you again. Then, when I saw you on the Enterprise I was so scared that I really would lose you forever. And in that moment, I remembered what was most important. And that is you and me and times like this spent together. I can face anything as long as we’re together. Oh, and I do intend to get the Enterprise back too.”

“Now, I’ve been wanting to hear you say that ever since we got back,” she said. “I love you so much. But it was so hard watching you pull away from me and everyone else. And I was scared too that I was going to lose the man I fell in love with.”

“Well, I’m back now. And I’m not going anywhere.”

“Good,” she said with a mischievous smile as she pushed him down onto the bed and began to cover his face and neck with kisses. “Because I have plans for you, my dear.”

“I have a feeling that I’m going to enjoy this,” he said returning her every kiss.

“Oh, I guarantee it.”

An exhausting six weeks later, the Republic cruised through warp space on its way back to earth. In his typical fashion, Scotty came pulled another engineering miracle out of his bag of tricks and maintained his reputation as the “miracle worker”. In addition to using the impulse engines to correct the planet’s orbit, the initial studies of their handiwork seemed to indicate that Sujaskiran was back in a stable orbit.

Megan sat on one of the bio beds in sickbay waiting for McCoy to announce his prognosis. The last couple of days she had woken up in the morning feeling very ill. No disrespect intended toward the very competent medical staff of the Republic, but she preferred to have the one doctor she truly trusted to check her out. She wondered if this was some kind of after effect of losing the baby and how serious it was.

McCoy had borrowed Dr. M’Benga’s office, who had been promoted to chief medical officer on the Republic on McCoy’s recommendation, to study the test results. And consequently, she was left virtually alone except for a couple of interns doing some routine maintenance on some of the equipment over in the corner of the room.

When McCoy reappeared, he was grinning from ear to ear.

“Bones, you looked like the cat that swallowed the canary,” Megan stated, greatly relieved. “So, I take it that there’s nothing wrong with me.”

“Nope,” the doctor replied, coming over to her and placing his hand on her shoulder. “In fact, I’d say quite the opposite.”

She gave him a quizzical look of confusion. “What are you talking about?”

Megan paced back and forth in their quarters. Needless to say, she had moved back in with her husband. She had never seen the need for debriefings and was thankful that Scotty’s was very brief. After they had confirmed their initial readings, the debriefing had gone basically like, “Good job, let’s go home now. I’ve got a ship to refit.”

She wondered how this could have happened so soon after. Well, she knew how it happened. She just wasn’t sure that it could. Well, to quote a dear friend of theirs,

“I like to think that there always are, possibilities.” If he only knew.

The sound of the doors brought her back from deep thought. She couldn’t contain the joy in her heart any longer. She ran to him and embraced with such enthusiasm that it surprised him, not that he was complaining.

“Well, hello to you too,” he said with a laugh. “I didn’t realize that the debriefing took that long.” He gave her a quick peck. “I take that back, it did take a long time.”

“I agree,” she said. “Far too long.”

“So, you missed me then?” He teased with that twinkle of mischief in his eyes.

“Always,” Megan replied.

Then he noticed the table in the living area of the statement. It was adorned with candles, a vase with three roses (two red and one white), and a chilled bottle of wine with two flutes sitting next to it.

“I didn’t realize that you missed me that much,” she said, pulling her closer. “What’s the special occasion?”

Megan took his hand, led her over to the table, and poured them both a glass. She took one herself and offered to other one to Jim.

“First, I want to offer a toast,” she said, raising her glass. “To us, and to the love of my life, who not only is the best husband I could have dreamed of, but who will also be the best father any child could wish for.”

Jim almost dropped his glass and quickly sat it down on the table. Megan followed suit.

“You’re?” he began, the delighted amazement clear in his voice.

She slipped her arms around his waist. “I’m pregnant,” she said as the tears of joy began to flow down her cheeks. “Bones just told me this afternoon.”

Jim picked her up and spun her around with a joyous mixture of tears and laughter.
He sat her back down. His voice took on a more serious tone. “And how is the baby?”

“Just fine,” she said, staring into his eyes, wondering if their child would have his beautiful hazel eyes. “Everything’s fine now.”

THE END