Thanks to Mia for sharing this!
PART I
1990. I was 6 when I first saw him. He was 14. I my mum and his mum lived in the same neighborhood. We had just moved in and we came over to his house. It wasn't the best house in the neighborhood but it felt so warm inside. He had a big family. With 3 older siblings and a younger one. He was the 4th child. The eldest one was Mark, and then his sister Michelle and another older brother Alan. And then him. His younger brother, Tony-the youngest of the family was about 4 years younger than him. 7 in his family: his mum, dad and 5 children.
While I had a 5 piece family, my mum and dad. And I only had two older siblings. My brother Ricky who was in college already and my sister Patricia who was in 7th grade this year. Everyone in his family was so friendly to me. His mum, his dad, all his siblings. Except him. He never talked to me. I thought he must've hated me or something.
"What's your name?" his mother asked when we just moved in to the neighborhood.
"Mia." I answered with a shy 6-year-old's smile.
"That's a nice name..." she said, I wasn't sure if she really meant it though.
"It's actually Mia Stephanie de Fretes." my mum added.
PART II
1991. A year passed by and he still never said a single word to me. He seemed like such an interesting person. Although some people in the neighborhood hated him. How can people hate such a nice person like him? They'd shout: "Faggot, faggot..." at him. I didn't know what the word meant but it made me mad, because he looked so sad whenever anyone called him that. I asked mum and dad what it meant, but they said I'd know by my own. Mum warned me not to ask him, and she sounded very serious when she said so. I really wanted to talk to him. Not to ask him what the word meant. Just to be friends with him.
"Mum, why doesn't Mrs. Gately's son ever talk to me? Does he hate me or something?"
"Mia, what are you talking about? Tony walks you home everyday and I see him talking to you all the time." my mum said.
"No, no. Not him. His brother, Stephen." I asked.
"He's just shy, honey." my mum said. "If you want to be friends with him, why don't you ask him to talk?" I couldn't say a word. Was mum expecting me to approach him and talk? I was scared. I've never approached anyone to talk before, but I was so curious about him. Getting no answer to her question, mum continued "I know you're shy as well, but it seems that he's shyer than you are. You can't expect people to always come up to you to say 'hi' first can you? Anyway, this will be a little bit of practice for you."
And that's what it was. Mum ordered me to talk to him. But I'm sure she understands that I couldn't possibly do that too fast. So I started to practice smiling and talking to the mirror. One afternoon after I got home from school, mum had nothing to do so she decided to go to Mrs. Gately's house and just chat around or maybe help with some of her housework. Mum had told Mrs. Gately about me wanting to play with Stephen despite my "Mum, don't tell my secrets to people!" while she helped Mrs. Gately cutting onions. Mrs. Gately told mum that Stephen is very shy. Mum said she understood and Mrs. Gately offered if she could ask Stephen to talk to me first. But mum rejected the offer. She told Mrs. Gately that she wanted me to practice talking to people so that I'd get use to it. Mrs. Gately smiled sadly and said, "I tried that on Stephen too. But it didn't seem to work. But maybe it'll work on Mia. Just don't be too hard on her, Olivia. No rush. " Mrs. Gately looked down at me with a mother's smile and said "I hope it'll work on you."
Someone opened the kitchen door, it was Stephen... and Stephen came in. He had just came home from school. Mum looked at me with a meaningful look. My body was frozen and I couldn't say a word, but when he shyly looked down at me, I tried to smile as friendly as I could. To my surprise, he smiled at me back. I was so pleased! Mum and Mrs. Gately looked at me and as if she were giving me a small gift for my achievement, Mrs. Gately said:
"Stephen, why don't you sit here and talk with us? Mia has no one to talk to." Mrs. Gately smiled at me. I could see Stephen blushing. But he obeyed his mother and sat right next to me. We didn't say anything though. He just smiled at me shortly. And five minutes later he took a book out of his school bag and a pencil set and started to do his homework. It was one of his 9th grader's homework. I didn't have a clue what it was about, I was in 2nd grade.
The same scene happened over and over. Every time mum came over to Mrs. Gately's house to chat and stuff. I smile, Stephen smile back, Stephen sit beside me and do his homework and he'd say nothing. And I couldn't say anything either.
PART III
1992. Mum would always invite the Gately's to any of our birthday parties. Stephen came to Patricia's 14th birthday party. Stephen was shy, I thought. All he'd do was sit somewhere and talk to people only when people asked him first. He'd dance when girls asked them to dance with him. He was a really good dancer! Somehow, I hated most of the girls who got close to him. I don't know why. I wanted to talk to him so those girls would go away. But it seemed those bigger girls know him better than I do. They were his or Patricia's schoolmates or something. I forgot to mention Stephen and Patricia attend the same school. I was afraid of approaching him. So I just sat on the stairs watching him chat, laugh, and dance behind the rails. He didn't notice me though.
I think Alan sort of has a crush on Patricia. Ricky didn't have a 23rd birthday party because he thought he was too old for birthday parties already. He'd only go around with his friends.
PART IV
1993. Until one day, March 12th 1993. My 9th birthday. I was sitting alone pushing myself back and forth on the swings at the playground. Stephen was walking home from school and when he passed the playground, he stopped. He looked at me for a while, I didn't realize Stephen was there because I was looking down to the ground. It was my birthday, but I didn't want a party. I couldn't stand getting the attention! Having everyone singing 'Happy Birthday' to me and looking at me. Even the thought of it scared me.
Stephen walked my way and patted me on the shoulder with a "Hi!". I let out a low gasp. And he apologized for scaring me. All I could do was smile up at him.
"Hi, Mia. I just thought I'd say happy birthday." he blushed.
"Thank you..." I managed to squeak. I blushed too.
"No birthday party again this year?" he asked. I shook my head. "Why not? Afraid of all the attention birthday girls get?" he smiled.
"Sort of..." I said.
"Hey why don't you come over to my house?" he offered. I wasn't thinking. I just nodded and let him take my hand. First Stephen took me to his room. I looked around. No posters. But he had a lot of stuffed toys in there and I liked it. I played around with them while Stephen did his homework. Then we watched TV and all. Laughing. We watched Home & Away, and Top Of The Tops. "Geez, I'm going to be in Top Of The Tops one day", he said. And the other family members just laughed at him. But I didn't! I thought he could be in Top Of The Pops. He was so talented. He can dance and he's been in a plays before. I remember about two years ago Stephen and Mrs. Gately played in a movie called The Commitments. They both had a very short role in the movie but I begged my mum to bring me to the cinema to see it. My whole family went to see it actually. I sat with his whole family feeling the warmth a big and close family. I had forgotten to call mum to tell her I was at the Gately's. Mum called.
"Mia, your mum is on the phone." Mrs. Gately said. Oh my God! I had forgotten to tell mum I was at the Gately's.
"Hello?... Mum? I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you I'm at the Gately's. Stephen just asked me to come over and sit around with his brothers and sisters." I said. Mum was happy that I finally got to talk to him. Then we got close, not very close. But still closer than we were before.
I went home soon after she called. This was probably one of the best days of my life and definitely the best birthday I've ever had!
The end of the year 1993: I dont know what had happened to Stephen, but I didn't see him around the neighborhood anymore. I wanted to ask Tony, but he was always busy with his football team--he'll even practice in winter! I was too embarrassed to ask Mrs. Gately. I waited for him at the swings, the same place where we properly talked for the first time. I was alone in the cold playground, it was December and snow started falling. He never showed up, then I just couldn't stand it anymore. I walked to Stephen's house and walked to the back yard and found Michelle in the place where Mrs. Gately usually hangs her laundry. She was just standing there and smiling. She heard me coming and greeted me with a "Hiya, Mia. How is everything going with you?"
"Uh, Erm-Okay. I-" I stuttered. I wasn't very used to talking to Michelle. I only talked to Tony, Mrs. Gately and Stephen.
"What? Looking for Steve?" she asked patiently. I nodded. She smiled at me.
"I haven't seen him lately. Where is he?" I asked finally.
"Mia, didn't he tell you? He just joined a band called Boyzone. He just recorded their first single and now he's on tour promoting it all over Ireland." my jaws dropped down. Could this be?
"Really?" was all I managed to say.
"Yeah, didn't you see the music video on TV?" she asked. I shook my head. I haven't been watching TV for a while. I've been busy writing my stories.
"When will he be back?"
"Maybe next week, Mia." she said. "He's very busy now. And he'll get even busier if this band does it in the charts." she smiled. I didn't say a word. I was so surprised. Patricia is a huge Take That fan. She subscribes to some pop magazines like Smash Hits, Top Of The Pops, and she's bought all their singles, albums, merchandise and videos. I've seen some of the videos and I know pop bands are very busy with their schedule. I got worried I might not see Stephen again. "What's wrong, Mia?" she asked. Warm tears felt hot while they ran down my cheeks in winter.
"No. Nothing's wrong, Michelle." I replied. She walked up to me and gave me a warm bear hug. She asked me to go inside with her. She made me some hot cocoa and we sat on the kitchen table. I wasn't used to being treated like this, sitting with someone I don't usually talk much to and sipping hot cocoa together.
"Mia, I know you like Stephen. But don't hope too much from him, okay? You might be disappointed." she smiled. I was puzzled. What does she mean I like Stephen? What does she mean I'd be disappointed? I couldn't understand. I just looked up at her and said:
"What do you mean? I like him, sure. I like everybody. What why would I be disappointed?" I asked. Michelle suddenly looked a little tense.
"Erm, you know what, Mia? Maybe you should just forget everything I just said about Steve, okay? And if you don't understand yet it's okay. You'll understand when you're older."
PART V
1994. Michelle was right. Boyzone went big in UK, Europe, and Asia. And he spent most of his time on the road. He'd come home once in a while and at least try to call me when he could.
I'm just glad being in this group hasn't changed Stephen at all. Still the same old humble Stephen he was before he joined the group. Stephen and I got closer. He introduced me to his band mates: Shane, Keith, Mikey and Ronan.
I'm 10 this year. And I realized something. I realized what Michelle had said about me, I like Stephen. No,
...I LOVE STEPHEN...
PART VI
1995. I cried whenever I missed Stephen. I still love Stephen even if he wasn't around most of the time. Stephen still comes over to my house whenever he's home. But that wasn't enough for me. I wanted him to be with me all the time. Him being in a pop band put some very heavy pressure on my shoulders. Not being able to see him. And then I'd see him all over the tabloids being linked to this girl and that girl. All those perfect looking girls. Nothing like myself.
But he'd call me whenever he could. We'd talk about anything on the phone. It was always him who called me first, and that made me feel extremely guilty. Once I decided to call him first. He was somewhere in the UK, so I could just call to his mobile. "Hello Mia..." he said in his friendly tone.
"Ellow..." I said nervously.
"What's up?" he said. He must've been surprised I called him. It's weird how I still got nervous when I talked to him after knowing him for such a long time. I guess that's how I always was to people.
"Eur... I-just-thought-I'd-say-hi." I stuttered.
"Oh. Hi to you too then, Mia. How are you?"
"Gutten."
"I'll be back in Dublin maybe in 2 weeks."
"Oh, okay. Bye bye Steo." I whispered.
"Hey! Mia, wait!" But it was too late, I already hung up on him. And I'm glad I did that because I don't think I'd have anything else to say to him.
The next day, he sent me an SMS message on my mobile saying: 'Thanks 4 calling me, Mia. Why did u hang up?'
I replied: 'Nothing. I had nothing else to say to you.'
Stephen: 'Oh. Okay. R U sure?'
I replied: 'I just missed U.'
Stephen: 'I miss U 2, honey.'
My heart pounded hard to the thought of him calling me honey. A second later--before I even had a chance to reply, he sent me another SMS: 'Mia, gtg n do a show. Bye.'
We sent short text messages everyday.
PART VII
1996. I couldn't believe it! Stephen was in the middle of a European tour and flew all the way from Germany just to attend my 12th birthday party. My mum and sister had forced me to have a birthday party this year. "So I could socialize" they said. And I agreed to do so. But not so I could socialize, I did it just for the sake of making them happy. Stephen heard about this and he didn't want to miss it. I've never had a birthday party since I moved to the neighborhood. And he probably knew I won't have another one after this. He flew all the way from Germany when he got a one day break from Louis-his band's manager to come to my party.
But that's not at all the way I saw it: I thought he came over to Dublin because he loved me back. That's what I thought had happen. That's why when he rang the door bell and I answered the door and found him there I nearly cried. I don't really remember how long I've been in love with him. But I've always wanted to 'be his friend' since I was very young. So I must've been in love with him for a very long time without even realizing the feeling I had for him was called 'love'.
We had a nice time. The girls at my party were a bit jealous that I knew 'that guy from Boyzone'. He's not just the guy from Boyzone: He's the guy I'm in love with.
After the not-so-bad birthday party, Stephen and I sat around in the living room. The party wasn't so bad after all, I thought. I sort of enjoyed the attention I was getting from the people at the party. I was a bit embarrassed when the sang Happy Birthday to me, but other than that I had a great time! And I loved the attention because it felt so warm to have so many people caring about me that day.
"Hey! Say something, birthday girl!" he said. I just smiled and looked up at him into his deep blue eyes, leaned forward to him and kissed him lightly. It wasn't anything, really. Just a soft peck on the lips. But it was my first kiss.
"Mia..." he whispered. There was a bit of astonishment in his voice. He must've thought I never had the nerve to do that. "Why did you do that?"
"I love you." I whispered back.
"Mia, no." he said softly. What does he mean no? My heart sank. He doesn't love me back. I could feel my hands damp. They felt extremely cold.
"Mia-" he hung his sentence. "You can't love me." he said carefully as if he was trying not to hurt me.
"Why. You don't love me back?" I strangled to say. There was a big painful lump in my throat and I could feel my face warm.
"Of course I do..." he hugged me. I felt happy again. "...But as a little sister." I couldn't help the heavy tears in my eyes. I let them run down my cheeks.
"But I love you." was all I could say.
"I know. I knew for a long time. Probably since you were even too young to know the name of the feeling you had for me." I cried even harder, burying my face in his shoulder.
"Stephen..." I cried.
"Hush now, Don't cry." he stroked my head softly. "Mia, there's a reason why I can't love you more than a sister."
"What?" I sobbed.
"Don't worry, it's got nothing to do with you. It's me. The problem's with me."
"What?!" I repeated.
"Mia, there's nothing to worry about. Nothing's wrong with you. Like I said, it's me. And I can't tell you why. Not now, you'll know later on."
PART VIII
1997. I'm 13 years old this year. I understood Stephen wouldn't want to go out with me. I'm 8 years younger than him. Maybe that was the problem. What a pity. And I loved older men so much. They made me feel safe and secure. And admired them. But it was one of those things you couldn't change. Soon I got used to the thought of Stephen loving me as a younger sister, and I was able to accept that. We still talked to each other on the phone, we still sent each other text messages, and he still came to see me when he was home.
We acted as if nothing happened on my 12th birthday. Nothing changed, except that I was aware that all I could do was be his sister, nothing more. But I was happy enough, it was better than nothing. As long as I still got to be with him, I was fine.
I'm in 8th grade. December 1997.
I was in class that day. The teacher wasn't in. But we all got a little assignment we had to do and collect after the period.
"SHUT UP, YOU FAGGOT!!!" someone shouted in the back row. I heart sank, I stopped breathing for a moment. That's the word the boys at home call Stephen. I had to know what it meant. I looked back to see who said the word but couldn't find him. The class was a mess. We were supposed to do our little assignment, but instead, most of the lads were laughing around and the girls were gossiping.
Sharon, the girl who sat right in front of me was writing something that didn't look like the assignment. She was probably writing another poem. Sharon is 2 years older than her grade. She went on a 2 year break "to think of the ways of life", she told me. Whatever, I'm not as deep and spiritual as she anyway. But I'll tell you, she's like 5 years more mature than her real age. She's 15 and she acts like she's 20 or something.
I patted her back softly and she looked back to me. "Yes, Mia Stephanie de Fretes." I giggled a bit--it was always funny, the way she calls people with their full names.
"Sharon?"
"Yeah?"
"What does 'faggot' mean?"
"I do NOT like that word!"
"Why?"
"It's rude, honey..." she whispered.
"What does it mean?" I whispered back. It was a weird habit of mine to whisper when people whisper to me and to shout back at people when people shout at me.
"It means gay." my heart stopped beating again.
"G-gay? You mean..." I couldn't continue.
"Yeah. That gay... Guys who like guys. They're not attracted in girls at all." she explained. I tried to inhale, but I couldn't. Air was stuck in my throat. I couldn't breathe. And my sight was blurred by tears.
"Sh-Shha..." I tried to say 'Sharon' but I couldn't.
"Mia? You okay?" she panicked. I held my throat trying to tell her that I couldn't breathe. "Lads! She stopped breathing, it's her asthma again!" she shouted. I fell unconscious and the next thing I knew I woke up in the school clinic with Sharon and Kevin, the school prefect. He's in 11th grade.
"You alright, Mia?" Kevin asked. "I just ringed your mum, she's on a business trip to Hamburg isn't she? And your dad is out of town as well, yeah?" I nodded. I just called your brother, Ricky at work, he'll be here to pick you up soon."
...Sitting in the passenger's seat in my brother's car. "Mia, what happened? Kevin said you were shocked about something..." I didn't respond. "Mia, come on... Come on, Mia... I'm your brother." he said as he put his seat belt on.
"I-"
"You what?"
"I just found out what 'faggot' meant." I said. There was a long pause between us.
"It's about Steve, isn't it? You have strong feelings for Stephen don't you?" he surprised me me. How could he know? There was another silence.
"How did you--"
"I know. I've noticed. I've always wanted to tell you, but I thought you already knew. Then I found out you didn't. Stephen has told me what happened on your birthday. He was really gob smacked. Didn't know what to do about you, so did I. So we decided to let you know on your own... You alright?" I didn't answer, I couldn't move my lips. I wasn't sure what to say.
I didn't go to school the next morning. I got permission to stay at home for the next 4 days from the school clinic. They were worried I'd pass out again. I wouldn't! I knew I wouldn't!! I felt just fine, just a little tired. But I mean, everyone gets tired. I considered this as a little time to rest. Maybe I was shocked. That's all.
I woke up this morning not feeling sick at all. Felt just normal except maybe I felt a little laid back as I didn't need to go to school. Ricky ordered me to stay in bed. But as soon as Patricia went to uni and Ricky went to work, I jumped out of bed and turned the TV on. I switched some of the channels and stopped as Stephen was being interviewed on a music channel. He was being asked some personal questions and when asked whether he was seeing anyone, she said that 'He'd settle when he's found the right person'. He didn't say woman because he doesn't like girls. But he couldn't possibly say men could he? "Who's your best friend, Stephen?" the presenter asked.
"My sisters." he smiled.
"Sisters? I thought you only had one sister; Michelle." the presenter said in confusion.
"Oh, I've got another sister--an unofficial sister. Mia de Fretes. And she's about 13 now, I think. She lives close to me. Still in the same neighborhood."
I tried hard not to cry, but I cried anyway. Cursing to myself softly. For being the crybaby I am now. After the interview was done I went in my bedroom and turned on my computer. I checked my stories-website. A smile curved up my lips: more people have visited my site. I really want to be a writer. Maybe a columnist or novelist. I don't care as long as people could read my stories, my thoughts. I've never tried sending my writings to any publishers. Posting them in my site was good enough. I looked in the guestbook and found some new entries. And one of them caught my eyes and caused me a smile:
Name: Your bro
E-mail: You know what :)
URL: http://
Age: 21
Country: Ireland
How did you get here? My little sister told me :)
Star sign: Pisces
Comments: Hiya, Mia! S here. I've printed out your stories and I'm reading them on tour. You're writing's getting better. Okay, bye bye. I love U, sis. XXX.
PS: I emailed you.
I quickly opened a new window and logged in to my Inbox. An email from a Steve G. I opened it hastily and read it:
Hi, Mia.
How's everything going with you? Ricky called me yesterday. He told me you passed out yesterday. And you know, I'm sorry. I never told you the way I am. Not that I wanted to let you out or keep you in the dark. But I didn't want to hurt you. I thought you weren't ready. Sorry you had to find out about it that way. I know, I could've told you my self, couldn't I?
We'll talk when I get home, which will be the beginning of next year. January 1998. I'll see you then.
*hugs and kisses* Lotsa love, Steve - XXX.
I just sat there not knowing what to say. I had no choice but wait for him to come home in January.
PART IX
1998. January. Mum and dad were on their 4th (!) honeymoon to Bali. Ricky has moved out of the house a week ago. Now he's living in his own apartment in London. It was only me alone with Patricia in the house. I totally forgot that Stephen was coming home in January, so I wasn't expecting anything special from him.
Someone ringed the doorbell.
"Mia! Go get the door!" Patricia shouted from the kitchen. I ran to answer the door. I hated that job: answering the door (and answering the phone).
I opened the door to find Stephen standing there looking empty, he's obviously lost some weight. "Hiya, Mia." he smiled weakly to me. He must be exhausted after the tour. I can't believe the schedule Louis the lads: 6 months of touring around Europe and the Far East. Stephen walked towards me and gave me a tight big bear hug. We walked up to my room and sat on the edge of the bed.
"You alright?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"Are you sure?" he asked again.
"I should be the one asking you that." I said "Look at yourself..."
"Why?"
"You don't look as healthy as you did when you left, Steo."
"Really?" he said, looking down at himself.
"How much do you weight now?" I asked him.
"55 kilograms." he replied. Oh my God, he'd lost 5 kilograms in 6 months. "Well you didn't seem to grow much either. How big are you now?"
"Still 5 foot 1 and 40 kilograms." I said slowly. "I've checked myself up and they said I've already stopped growing."
"Really? That's fast... I thought you girls stop growing at 18." he looked at me. I just shrugged.
"Enough about me. Let's just talk about you."
"You sure you're ready to talk about this, Mia?" he said seriously. I nodded. I could tell he didn't know what to say. There was a long silence between us. Until I heard him sigh and say: "I love you. And I'm sorry I never told you I'm gay. I should've, but I didn't want to get you hurt."
"I understand." Shit, I started crying again. How many times have I cried over him in my life?
"You were shocked, weren't you?" I nodded. "I'm really sorry..."
"I understand."
"I love you, sis."
"I understand."
"Sis, can you say anything other than 'I understand'?" We both bursted out laughing and he wiped my tears with his fingers. And pecked my forehead. "You're my best friend, Mia."
"You can tell me anything you want."
"Anything?"
"Yeah. You can even tell me when you finally find that special someone."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Oooh, Mia that's so sweet of you!" another hug today!
"MIAAAA....." Patricia hollered from downstairs. "Dinner's ready!"
"Hey! What do you say you have dinner here tonight? Patricia's making pasta--lasagna." I gave him a little puppy face. Stephen then took his mobile.
"Hello? Mum? I wont be having dinner at home tonight... At the de Fretes'. Yeah, okay." Stephen looked down at me and smiled. "Sure, mum. I know... But she's alright... Okay... Bye mum."
"What?" I asked.
"Oh, mum just said hi to you." he smiled. "She heard that you've found out and hopes you're alright."
....So I got over it. Well, almost. I started to try to find some other guy who I could love the way I love Stephen and love me back in the same way. Stephen's band mate, Shane. He was older than me too. Another older man. *smiles*. I love older men!
Stephen's house in Newton Mount Kennedy, County Wicklow....
"Mia?" he started.
"Yeah?" I had my chin on my palms and my elbow rested on the dining table.
"Remember when you said I could tell you when I finally found someone?" he said carefully. I nodded and smiled. I pretended to look happy for him. But I felt a terrible heart ache.
"Well I finally found that someone..."
"Yeah? Who?"
"Do you know that English-Dutch boy band Caught In The Act?" he said.
"You mean CitA? Lee Baxter's band?" I started getting excited. I fancy Lee Baxter--although I don't love him the way I love Stephen.
"Yeah! Them!" he was pleased that I knew what he was talking about.
"But they're over aren't they?" I frowned. He noticed the odd, worried, dazed expression on my face and continued: "Don't worry, sis. It's not Lee! He's all yours." he chuckled putting his arm around my shoulder. "Besides he's straight." he messed my hair. "I love Eloy."
"You mean the really tall guy?" I giggled. Stephen nodded.
December 31st 1998. New years eve, we were all at Stephen's house. He introduced me to this Eloy guy. He was a really good-looking lad! Tall--extremely tall. And he had a really nice tan. He said: "Oh, you must be Mia! Stephen talks about you all the time. His unofficial little sister, aren't you?" I was so flattered by that statement it caused me to blush and "Oh, just like him too. Your face changes crimson all the time too, don't you?" Humorous, I thought.
Stephen sat on Eloy's lap and laughed their way off at things that weren't really funny. But it seemed that Stephen is really happy with Eloy, he laughs at anything he can! The other lads had a laugh with their partners too.
Shane was the only one alone. He sat on the edge of the same couch Stephen and Eloy were sitting on--making out. I've never seen two guys kiss each other before. But I thought it was sweet. I'd like to have someone like Eloy... With a can of liquor in his hand he looked out of the window. He looked so cool: He had beautiful eyes. And great eye lashes. He had a cute plucked eyebrow and his bangs were hanging in front of his face making him look even sexier.
He turned his head and caught my eyes and smiled, lifting his can a bit at me. I smiled back.
"Oi there..."
"Oi back to you too." I said. He stood up and walked my way and whispered:
"Hey, let's go out and talk."
And that's exactly what we did.
PART X
1999. Poor Stephen! He had to hide his relationship with Stephen just because he was worried people and his fans couldn't accept the fact that he's gay. They couldn't act like normal couples. Do things like go to the piccies, eating at restos, going in vacations. I was so sad for him.
June 1999: I'm 15 years of age this year. Stephen came out! Some styupid, homophobic jealous freak was trying to sell a styupid twisted version of Steo's love story. I was so pissed! So Stephen came out. Properly. And I'm glad his fans were supportive to him. Very, very positive response. He's lucky he did. I'm also glad his fans didn't have to find out the way I had to. They're just luckier than I was.
PART XI
2000. I got along with Eloy very well. He managed to teach me some Dutch words. Which was a very good thing, because my grandparents are from Rotterdam and when I come to Holland to visit them it's usually always them and my uncles or aunts who try to speak my language. But now I don't have to seem to selfish, now I'll at least try to communicate in their language. Ik liefhebben je meant I love you.
Boyzone were on a break and Stephen started a solo career. Ronan was very successful with his. And everyone (including me too) was hoping the best for him. I've heard some of his songs and I really liked them. Louis, Boyzone's manager is starting it again. He starting to cause trouble with that big, fat mouth of his: He's actually saying that the only Boyzone member he'll manage as a solo artist will be Ronan! As if Stephen isn't as good as him. I never really like Louis or Ronan from the beginning.
But so what? Stephen's good no matter how his manager as a Boyzone member judges him, now he's even got his own website: www.stephengately.com. It's got this nice confusing little logo of his initials: SG, twined up into a weird logo. I liked it a lot and ended up being scold in class for not paying attention to the teacher and scribbling my initials: MDF, trying to make a nice logo out of it instead... Duh!
Then Stephen was in hospital to remove his kidney stones. I was really worried, but Eloy--he looked even more worried than I was. I flew all the way to London where the hospital was and stayed in Ricky's apartment. I'd be in the hospital with a very worried Eloy. I was so touched by that expression on Eloy's face. And that's when I realized how much Eloy loved Stephen. Then I decided to just leave Stephen alone--stop hoping too much from him. Stop hoping that one day he'll love me back the way I love him. Maybe Eloy deserves him more than I do.
I'll just find someone else who can love me the way Eloy loves Stephen, I thought to myself on the flight home to Dublin.
I also looked after the dogs, Joey and Woody, while Stephen and Eloy were in Eloy's house in Amsterdam. Stephen and Eloy were always flying Amsterdam-Dublin, Dublin-Amsterdam. It seemed so exhausting, Stephen and Eloy seemed so tired.
"Mia, I'm selling the Wicklow house..." Stephen said.
"What?! What do you mean? Where are you going to live now?"
"Amsterdam." and guess what Mia, the crybaby does? Yes, she does that shameful thing again: cry.
PART XII
2001. 17 years old this year! Oh well... What can I do about it? Stephen once said that he'd never move out of Ireland and if he fell in love with someone who wasn't Irish, he'd make him (or her back when he hadn't come out yet) live in Ireland. But people do anything for love don't they? I thought that Eloy would change him. Being in Boyzone wouldn't make him stop calling me, sending me text messages and emails and still talk to me when he's home. But I was worried him being with Eloy would change him. But lucky for me he didn't. Still calling, still emailing, still text-messaging, and still coming to my house. He did come home to Ireland at least once in a month or two.
He knew how much I wanted to have pets. And he noticed that with him moving to Amsterdam I couldn't be with Joey and Woody anymore. So (I can't believe this!) he bought me two hamsters! One was white with brown spots on it and the other one was white with brown and black spots on it. I loved them! I named one of them Francois and the other Peter. They some how reminded me so much of Stephen and Eloy. Not to mention Peter grew a bit bigger than Francois.
Stephen got even more pets later: now he's got two goldfishes called Michelle and Lucienne (named after you-know-who: NO! Not Voldemort from Harry Potter, they're Stephen and Eloy's big sisters in case you were too stupid to figure that!). And also a little white kitten called Casper.
I month later I moved in with Shane. I was happy with him and I considered Stephen as a good friend. Nothing more, nothing less: Just my bestfriend who I really love!
*the end*
March 30th 2001.
***
I'd just like to tell you all that I titled this fanfic "I'm Learning" (from the album Where We Belong) because it's about me learning about life. It had nothing to do with the lyrics. But later, I realized that the story plot matches the lyrics of the song. (what a COINCIDENCE!!!), see where they link:
I'M LEARNING - PART 1
I never meant to hurt you baby [Stephen never asked to be gay]
I didn't wanna cause you any pain [Stephen on Mia]
But you never knew how I felt now honey [Mia loves Stephen]
And you know you didn't even know why [Stephen: why Stephen can't love Mia back]
So I wanna put my heart in it's place [Mia]
And I wanna be the person that you fell in love with [Mia]
I've been told there'll be another [Mia on Shane]
(or so they say)
But I guess never like the other [Mia on Stephen]
So I'll shed my tears and I'll face my fears [Mia]
I've been told there'll be another [Mia on Shane again]
A cry for help will sound the same now baby [Mia]
And I know that people just don't change [Mia on Stephen's homosexuality]
But I guess you can't hope [Mia on herself]
And wish they will yeah [Mia]
So I wanna put my heart in its place [Mia]
And I wanna be the person that you fell in love with [Mia on Stephen]
CHORUS
So I wanna scream and tell myself it'll be okay [Mia]
And in a final verse I'll tell you what I wanna say [Mia]
CHORUS
So I guess I'm still learning.. [Mia *sniff-sniff*]
Dedicated to Ricky and Patricia de Fretes!