50 FUN THINGS FOR PROFESSORS TO DO ON THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS
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1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending
"Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream, "MY
PACEMAKER!"
4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream,
"YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question
directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The professor can't hear you; you'll have to ask
*me,* Winky Willy."
7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of
chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a
stopwatch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering, "Tsk, tsk."
9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."
10. Stop in midlecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt
looks fat.
11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle
throughout it.
13. Announce, "You'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on
the board.
14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
16. Ask occasional questions, but mutter, "As if you gibbering simps would know,"
and move on before anyone can answer.
17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next
lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you
pace back and forth.
19. Address students as "worm."
20. Announce to students that their entire grade will be based on a single-question oral
final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put
on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and
serial number.
24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the
lecture's over when the bottle's done.
25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question,
have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
26. Every so often, freeze in midsentence and stare off into space for several minutes.
After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question,
turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey."
30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask
students to "sit back and groove."
31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays.
Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your
mascot. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll
it be, McGee?"
34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."
35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number
system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number
10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for
the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
40. Give an opening monologue. Take two-minute "commercial breaks" every 10
minutes.
41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk."
42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in
rapid-fire auctioneer style.
43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required
reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for
next class.
45. Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize their
choices and make notes in your grade book.
46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance
for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field."
50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU
PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"