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Pilot

10/04/2000

Max/Maxie Guevara: "Hope is for losers.  It's a con job people trip behind till they finally get a grip on the cold, hard truth."  

Kendra Maibaum: "I feel like I got hit by a cement truck and you've been up for an hour bouncing around.  That, by definition, sucks."  
Max: "I made you coffee.  That ought to help cope with the injustice of the world a little."  

Max: "They used to say one nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.  It was sort of a joke, until the June morning those terrorist bozos whacked us with an electromagnetic pulse from 80 miles up.  You always hear people yapping on how it was all different before the pulse.  Land of milk and honey blah, blah, blah, blah with plenty of food and jobs and things actually worked.  I was too young to remember, so, whatever.  The thing I don't get is why they call it a depression.  I mean, everybody's broke, but they aren't really all that depressed.  Life goes on."  

Herbal Thought: "Like the prophets say only the unrighteous husband send expensive gift-wrapped under panties to another woman."  

Original Cindy: "Caught some son-of-a-bitch stealing my bike.  ...  ... I broke a nail giving him a cranium crack.  And that just wrecks your day you know what I'm saying?"  

Eyes Only: "There are certain men who move through the world with impunity.  Their actions, no matter how vile are immune from consequence."  

Max: "America really thought they had it dialed in money hanging out the butt.  But it was all just a bunch of ones and zeroes in a computer someplace.  So, when that bomb went, ka-blooey, and the electromagnetic pulse turned all the ones and zeroes into plain old zeroes, everyone's like, 'no way.'  Now, America's just another broke ex-super power looking for a handout and wondering why."  

Darren: "Trying to have a relationship with you, Max, is like standing in a fog bank.  You know, you're right in the middle of something except you have absolutely no idea where you are."  

Cindy (re: Darren): "Craps all over everything and everyone.  Then, wants mommy to forgive him."  

Logan Cale: "You're a thief?"  
Max: "Girl's got to make a living."  

Max: "Kendra, this is a motorcycle.  Its sole reason for being is to go fast, very fast.  Not for you to use as a clothesline.  Now, make no mistake.  I love you as a friend and a roommate but I love my motorcycle more.  Stay away from the bike, okay?"  

Max: "You know how it is?  You or me gets sick, life goes on.  A guy gets the sniffles, the world's coming to an end." 

Max: "Don't believe everything you hear on TV."

Max: "Like I said, guys are the weaker sex."  

Logan: "If I just got my ass handed to me by a size three I might be inclined to mind my own business."  

Calvin/Sketchy: "I need your help, Max.  See, I've more or less been seeing this other person."  
Max: "I don't see how you cheating on Natalie involves me."  
Sketchy: "I know what you're thinking but the truth is this other person is not somebody I'm in love with.  As a matter of fact, after what she just did she's not even somebody I like much.  So, in a technical sense I'm not sure you could call really me and this other person cheating."  
Max: "Do guys actually believe these lame, self-serving excuses?  ...  Or do they think we're just so grateful to have one of you idiots we'll look the other way?  Which is condescending and arrogant."  
Sketchy: "'Lame, self-serving, condescending.'  Guilty as charged."  
Max: "You left out arrogant."  
Sketchy: "But there's another side."  
Max: "Oh, here it comes the part where the guy turns everything around, right?"  
Sketchy: "I am a victim here."
Max: "Really?"
Sketchy: "Hear me out.  This other person is a Jam Pony client who happens to be trapped in a loveless marriage."  
Max: "And you are a sympathetic ear."
Sketchy: "Exactly."
Max: "And then a sympathetic mouth and then a sympathetic -"  
Sketchy: "She's demanding that I blow off Nat or she's going to do it for me by telling her about us."  
Max: "Does this other person have a name?"  
Sketchy: "Lydia."  
Max: "And Lydia telling Natalie the truth makes you a victim in what way?"  
Sketchy: "I'm a toy to her.  In case you haven't noticed, I'm not the kind of guy who gets to be a toy very often.  How about never?  I guess it kind of went to my head."  
Max: "Has it occurred to you to tell Natalie the truth?"  
Sketchy: "Are you kidding?  Even if she doesn't dump me she'd never be able to trust me again."  
Max: "And why should she?"  
Sketchy: "Look, Max, I made a terrible mistake, one that I will never, ever make again.  Natalie and I are soul mates.  I guess it took the thought of losing her for me to understand that."  

Logan: "I'm looking for a young lady who works here."  
Normal: "Ladies would be elsewhere."  

Cindy: "Friends don't help other friends cheat."  
Max: "I actually kind of feel sorry for guys sometimes."  
Cindy: "Please."
Max: "They're prisoners of their genes."
Cindy: "So are dogs.  I say hang Sketch out to dry.  Let Natalie see him for the heel he is.  Then, maybe she'll step to the all-girl team."  
Max: "Of course, there's nothing self-serving in that scenario."  

Max (to Logan): "... being a famous, underground, pirate cyber-journalist can't be much of a payday."  

Logan: "Look around at all this.  Built by people who got up every morning, worked hard trying to make a better life.  Then the pulse happened and everyone got scared.  They blinked and before they knew it they turned over the store to a bunch of thugs who were happy to take it off their hands.  Overnight, the government, the police, everything intended to protect the people had been turned against them."  
Max: "So you miss the good old days.  Even though there were still poor people who died from diseases when they didn't need to and rich people who still spent obscene amounts of money redecorating the house to match the cat.  Those good old days?"  
Logan: "Even if they took it for granted they still had a choice.  Now they don't."
Max: "So what are you going to do about it?"  
Logan: "Something."  
Max: "Personally, I'm more interested in going fast on my motorcycle than giving myself a headache over stuff I can't do anything about."  
Logan: "You accept the way things are you're an active participant in making them worse."
Max: "Is the social studies class over for today?"  

Lydia: "He been sleeping in a t-shirt lately?  So you won't see the fingernail   marks on his back.  Bet you didn't know your boyfriend found a little pain exciting.  Well, he didn't either, at first."  

Lydia: "I decide when I'm done with your boyfriend.  Not him, and certainly not you.  Unless maybe you want to find out how sharp these nails really are."  
Max (filling in for Natalie): "I'm working very hard to respect my elders here but don't push your luck."  

Max (filling in for Natalie): "This is how it's going to be, Lydia.  You're going to take your threats and your cheesy acrylic nails and you're going to go figure out your marriage instead of trying to make other people feel as miserable as you do....  

Sketchy: "That psycho got exactly what she deserved.  Yes."  
Max: "Lydia may not have been one of humanity's finer specimens."  
Sketchy: "Oh, she's toxic.  Monster in bed, but toxic."  
Max: "You would be making a mistake to come away from this thinking she's the villain in the piece.  You are."  
Sketchy: "She's the one who's trying to ruin my life."  
Max: "None of this would've happened if you'd exercised even a smidgen of self-restraint or good judgment, which you didn't."  
Sketchy: "Right, that's true, but -"  
Max: "You were trying to have it both ways and you were being completely selfish.  And if I ever find out you're fooling around on Natalie again you're the one who's going to be hanging by your ankles three stories up.  Now understand, Calvin?"  

Logan: "You ever notice how cats always seem to turn up around dinnertime?"  

Max: "I steal things in order to sell them for money.  It's called commerce.  But some stranger sneaking into a girl's apartment is bent."
Logan: "Bent?"  
Max: "Bent."  
Logan: "I left you a present."  
Max: "Am I supposed to be grateful?"  
Logan: "That would not be inappropriate."  
Max: "How am I ever supposed to sleep there again knowing some stranger's probably touched everything I own?"  

Peter (re: Max being in residence): "This is a tactical exposure which I go on record as not liking."  

Logan: "Look, if I made you nervous or uncomfortable or creeped you out -"  
Max: "Yes, on all counts."  
Logan: "Well, I'm sorry.  It wasn't my intention.  I had to see you."  
Max: "You'd think a guy who's taken on the job of saving the world would have a few more important things to do than traipse around after some girl."  
Logan: "I haven't been able to get you off my mind."  
Max: "You need to get out more."  
Logan: "Come here.  I want to show you something."  
Max (describing mirror): "American, neoclassic gold leaf detail, late 1800s.  I could probably fence it for two or three grand."  
Logan: "No, I meant this.  Probably the most singularly beautiful face I've ever seen."  
Max: "Expensive gifts, surprise late-night visits, over-the-top flattery.  Do you always come on this strong?"  
Logan: "Only when I meet someone I have to know everything about.  And now I think I know pretty much everything."  

Logan: "First I watch you take out a 250-pound ex-cop bodyguard without breaking a sweat."  
Max: "Girls kick ass.  Says so on the t-shirt."  
Logan: "Then I watch you dive headfirst out a window like you're Rocky the flying squirrel."  

Logan: "How much do you know?"  
Max: "I know they made me.  Even got the designer label on the back of my neck to prove it."  
Logan: "Technical term for you is 'chimera'."  
Max: "Yeah, made-up creature, like in mythology.  Head of a lion, body of a goat.  Your basic hodgepodge."  

Max: "I didn't make it this far by looking for trouble."  

Max: "I've got people looking to either put me in a cage for the rest of my life, turn me into a science project, or kill me.  Probably all three.  Now I've managed to drop off the radar screen and I plan to keep it that way."  

Max: "Take a header into the deep end when the pool's empty, you're going to go splat.  Law of gravity.  And even Jesus Christ himself had to obey the law of gravity.  For a while, anyway."  

Max: "This isn't my regular line of work.  I'm making it up as I go."  

Max: "Do you ever have to do something you really don't want to do?"  
Prostitute: "How I make my living.  What's your point?"  

Edgar Sonrisa: "The only thing better than four queens is five.  Come over here next to me, for luck."  
Max: "I can see to it your winning streak continues."  
Sonrisa: "I'll bet you can.  Sit."  
Max: "Not right now."  
Sonrisa: "Not right now.  Okay.  When?"  
Max: "After you get a new personality and lose about 20 years."  
Sonrisa: "Quite a mouth on a girl so young.  My guess is, talking isn't what it does best."  
Max: "Only way you're ever going to find out is reincarnation."  

Sonrisa: "Who are you?"  
Max: "You going to put me on your Christmas card list?"  

Max: "I have sincere eyes."  

Max: "See you're back at it.  Rockin' the boat."  
Logan: "Somebody's got to."  
Max: "I would have come sooner, but I didn't.  How you doin'?"  
Logan: "Not in any pain.  The good and bad news of a blown-out spinal cord."  
Max: "I'm sorry."  
Logan: "My mother used to say, 'the universe is right on schedule.  Everything happens the way it's supposed to.'"  
Max: "You believe that?"
Logan: "I've never been much for trying to figure out why bad things happen.  I just know they do.  So, the job's trying to figure out how to deal with the consequences, which you did."  

Logan: "By being alive, you're involved."  
Max: "I got my own problems."  
Logan: "Look, maybe we got screwed out of living in a time when we could hang out for the afternoon in a cafe someplace wearing $2,000 wristwatches planning our next vacation but the world got a whole lot meaner all of a sudden.  It wasn't supposed to but it did.  So now it's back to the law of the jungle and there are predators and victims."  
Max: "And you still think you can do something to change that?"  
Logan: "With your help."  
Max: "Look, one thing I'm not is a chump.  You want to get the rest of your ass shot off be my guest, but I kind of like being able to walk."

Hannah Sukova / Sedro Island

10/17/2000

Cindy: "You've been laying out for the boys all night long."  
Kendra: "It's like you're in heat or something."  

Cindy: "You got an itch?  Go scratch."  

Max: "Kendra was right.  I am in heat or something like that all because they spiced up that genetic cocktail called 'me' with a dash of feline DNA.  So I can jump fifteen feet of razor wire and take out a 250-pound linebacker with my thumb and index finger, which makes me an awesome killing machine and a hoot at parties.  But it also means that three times a year I'm climbing the walls, looking for some action."  

Bling: "Patience in all things, my friend."  

Max: "It's amazing what happens when you put three dirtbags in a room and money disappears.  Tempers flare.  Guns are drawn.  Three dead dirtbags."  

Herbal: "The righteous man does not tolerate the wickedness of Babylon in these final days.  When the downpressor will be judged and punished for his abomination I will not dirty my hands with that package.  ..."
Sketchy: "He said he doesn't want to screw up his karma by delivering any more porno to the twist at 46th and Euclid."  
Normal: "Your job is to deliver packages, period.  You don't know or care what's inside of them."  
Herbal: "But when the most high cause a package to fall from my bike and bust open and reveal this kind of wickedness I and I can't bury my head in the sand   like an ostrich."  

Max: "I can see in the dark."  

Max: "It's recently been brought to my attention that I don't have a great deal of patience and what little I do have is now gone."  

Max: "We were trained to keep moving in enemy territory."  

Hannah Sukova: "You are so beautiful."  
Max: "It's in the genes."  

Max: "I turned out all right with my strange little life."  

Hannah: "Why are you helping me?"  
Max: "You saved my life.  I'm returning the favor."  

Max (to Eric): "You saved my life.  Gave me a case of motor oil.  I can honestly say no man has ever done so much."  

Max: "Have you ever been up on the Space Needle?"  
Logan: "No, and it's not on my list of things to do."  
Max: "How come?"  
Logan: "Actually, I've always been terrified of heights."  
Max: "Really?"  
Logan: "Really."  
Max: "Oh, we're going to have to do something about that."  

Max: "So, now I know.  I had a mother who loved me and maybe she's still out there somewhere.  Like that really changes anything in my life -- only it changes everything."

Max Guevara

Logan Cale \ Eyes Only

Lydecker

Original Cindy

Kendra Maibaum

(Calvin) Sketchy

Herbal Thought

Normal