Season 1

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Lyrics: "In eighteen hundred one the revolution had been won and Uncle Sam's favorite son had a job he needed done.  Which brought Jack to a lady both beautiful and smart, a scoundrel with a heart.  From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, there was never a leatherneck braver, a Daring Dragoon is he.  He'll halt the bold advance of Napoleon's attack.  There ain't a French or pirate rogue who don't know Jack.  From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, sailin' round the bloody world to defend democracy.  And when ya need a fighting man ya'd trust ta watch yer back, just ask the bloke right next ta ya. It's... Jack." 

This page was last updated on 02/20/01.

Return of the Dragoon

01/24/2000

Jack Stiles: "I would have knocked, but my fist had other plans."

Stiles: "Beat it turkey, I'm in the middle of some Thanksgiving."
Thomas Jefferson: "Open the door, Jack.  It's Thomas Jefferson."

Jefferson: "Nopoleon's hell-bent on taking over the world.  ...  You wouldn't want to be speaking French for the rest of your life, now would you, Jack?"
Stiles: "All those silent Xs.  My throat hurts just thinking about it...."

Jefferson: "... touch my niece, I'll have George Washington chop off your cherry tree."
Stiles: "Luckily, I don't have a cherry tree."

Stiles: "At least we'll have each other.  --"
Emilia Rothschild: "Mr. Stiles, we may as well clear this up right now.  You will never find our bodies occupying the same horizontal plane.  To put it another way, you will never know the sensation of my tongue exploring your -- forbidden nether regions.  In other words, we will never star lazily at the ceiling after a night of slow lovemaking and pondering the meaning of the word happiness.  Have I made myself perfectly clear?"

Stiles: "... where do you keep your porcelain throne around here?"
Governor Croque: "This mansion has a hundred bathrooms...."
Stiles: "You must get a lot of reading done."

[Stiles searches the Governors office and finds a deck of nudie playing cards in the desk.]
Stiles: "Poker?  I hardly even know her."

[Stiles, having been trapped within the Governor's office with Rothschild, requests and obtains her undergarments from which he makes a mask to pose as the Daring Dragoon (DD)]
Rothschild: "Save me.  It's the Daring Dragoon."
Governor Croque: "This cannot be."
Stiles (as DD): "Yet here I am, plain as day and black as night."
Captain Brogard: "To take a beautiful woman hostage, this is the act of a coward...."
Stiles (as DD): "... tell me what a brave man would do, and I'll do it."
Richelieu: "He would fight to the death.  --"
Stiles (as DD): "...  Be careful what you wish for, Richelieu.  I'd hate to embarrass you twice."
Governor Croque: "What is it you want...?"
Stiles (as DD): "We ... demand an end to French Imperialism, -- a three day work week and comprehensive dental plan."

Rothschild (sarcastically): "... what woman wouldn't be proud to perpetuate the myth of helpless female?  That's what we do best."

Stiles: "... the least you can do is pretend to be my helpless victim once in a while."
Rothschild: "Once in a while?  Do I take that to mean that you intend on making a habit of wearing my undergarments on your head?"
Stiles: "Oh, now who's sexist, huh?  Don't I have a right to get in touch with my feminine side?"
[Closed Captioning made Rothschild's question: 'Do I take that to mean you intend to make a habit of wearing my undergarments?'  The question expressed in this manner would have put a whole new twist into the conversation.]

Brogard: "... we meet again, mister fancy sword and his flowing cape."
Stiles (as DD): "Give me some credit, will you?  You know how hard it is to wear this thing and still look dashing?"

Brogard: "... luck is a fickle friend that serves no master."

Stiles (as DD under fire from French soldiers): "... I'd love to stay and chat but I'm allergic to lead."

Stiles: "Out of the frying pan into the fire."

Sex and the Single Spy

The Floundering Father

Once You Go Jack

The People's Dragoon

Raging Bully

Daddy Dearest

One Wedding and An Execution

09/19/2000

Napoleon: "A master tactician never heralds his arrival, so as to keep the less astute off guard." 

Napoleon: "That nag, Josephine, mustn't know I'm here." 
Governor Croque: "Ah!  H-how is the lovely empress?" 
Napoleon: "Soon to be former empress.  Try as I have to harvest her loins, she's still yet to bear me an heir." 
Croque: "But, my dear brother, if, God forbid, something should happen to you, like an elephant mistaking you for a peanut, I would be happy to assume the duties of emperor." 

Napoleon: "Congratulations, Emilia.  You have won the honor of becoming my new bride." 

Napoleon: "Oh la la!  I will have fun taming you like the sexy, savage beast that you are." 
Madame Emilia Rothschild: "Will you now?  And if I refuse?" 
Napoleon: "You are English, Mmadame, are you not?" 
Emilia: "And proud of it, your Highness." 
Napoleon: "When I return to France, I will soil the peace treaty between our two countries like a poopy diaper.  My armies will cross the English Channel and leave nothing in England but Stonehenge.  Or -- you can love me."
Emilia: "How can I say yes without the benefit of a first date?" 
Napoleon: "Very well.  Dinner, tonight.  And for dessert, I shall have you." 

Croque: "I want to be emperor.  Is that so terrible?  I want a queen and a crown and a castle.  Is that so terrible?" 
Jack Stiles: "All right, don't get your girdle in a twist, Govvie.  I think I've found a way to stop this unholy matrimony before it's too late.  ...  All we have to do is delay this marriage a little bit.  I'll handle the rest.  Deal?" 
Croque: "All right, my little American monkey.  We have a deal.  But tell me, how are we going to stall Napoleon?  No man has ever managed to dissuade my brother from his course." 
Jack: "No man, eh?" 

Jack (posing as Emilia's mother to Napoleon): "Oh, you are such a charming little fellow.  I could just put you on a stick and eat you." 

Jack/Mom: "Now then, tell me, do you have a good job?" 
Napoleon: "I'm the Emperor of France." 
Jack/Mom: "Oh?  Does that pay well?" 
Napoleon: "I have priceless treasures, palaces -" 
Jack/Mom: "Oh goody.  Then there's plenty of room for me.  Quoi?  Well, you know the old saying, don't you?  You don't just marry a woman, you marry her family too." 
Napoleon: "Actually, it's one palace.  Very small." 
Jack/Mom: "Oh, coziness!  Then I shall sleep between my beautiful daughter and my beautiful new son.  No peeking while I'm sleeping." 
Napoleon: "I would rather peek into satan's toilet, Madame." 
Jack/Mom: "Please, call me Jack -- eline." 

Emilia: "Oh, ha ha.  Thank you for the amusing charade, Jack, but if you wanted to wear my clothes, all you had to do was ask."
Jack: "You know, in case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to help." 
Emilia: "Oh, I'm sorry.  You call this helping?" 
Jack: "Yeah.  Nothing scares a man away like the sight of his new mother-in-law." 

Emilia: "What better way to change the world than to partner with the most powerful man living in it?" 
Jack: "...  You're assuming you can change him, which is the second-most popular myth afflicting your particular gender." 

Emilia: "I'll marry whomever I want, with or without your permission." 
Jack: "But, Emilia, for the love of God, think of your wedding night.  Napoleon will be like a gopher at a golf course - in and out of every hole." 

Jack: "Yeah, have fun on your honeymoon playing 'hide the Emperor'." 

Jack: "Don't you give up just yet, Croque.  You're forgetting a pre-ball-and-chain time-honored tradition known as the bachelor party." 

Jack: "Don't you worry about a thing, Croquemeister.  I got a little surprise  for Napoleon that's gonna keep him busy for weeks."

Jack: "All right, all right.  And now, direct from the Kitty-cat Saloon, I give you Candy and Bubbles!  ...  Enjoy it while you can, Leon.  Let's just say Emilia's idea of a good time in bed is a pajama party and a pillow fight.  Knock yourself out." 

Candy: "Gee, Nappie, when it comes to other men, you really are a bone-apart.  ..." 
Bubbles: "What do you say?  Wanna storm the Bastille walls one more time?" 
Napoleon: "Ladies, please, I'm late for my wedding." 

Croque: "To some, marriage is like a morning sunrise, which reflects the dawning of a brand-new day.  To others, it is like a red-hot poker shoved without remorse up the wazoo." 

[Jack ducks into the church confessional to change into Daring Dragoon costume]
Padre: "What have you to confess, my Son?" 
Jack: "Hmm.  Wanna start in alphabetical order, or would you prefer to go by year?" 

Padre: "If we could, my son, let us return to the issue of your chronic tennis elbow." 
Jack: "It's weird, huh?  I don't even play." 

Croque: "Emilia, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded conqueror, in pillage and in plunder, to burn and destroy with till death do you Part?" 

Emilia: "It's difficult to know where duty to country ends and duty to self begins." 

Croque for a Day

Dead Woman Walking

Love Potion No. 10

X Marquis the Spot

Up the Creek

It's a Mad, Mad...Opera