Microsoft Lightbulb Jokes

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no

provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?",

one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried

reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware

because

the light bulb in our office works fine..."

Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light

bulb?

A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be

working

fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how

dark is it? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong ... have you

tried the light switch?

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a

faucet.

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light

bulb?

A: Eight. One to work the bulb and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets

$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the

bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest

assured that Development is working on a bug fix.

Q: How many Microsoft shipping department personnel does it take to

change

a light bulb?

A: We can change the bulb in seven to ten working days. If you call

before

2pm and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't

forget to put your name in the upper right-hand corner of the light bulb

box.

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn

out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the

bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. But they'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it

would

be for a Mac user.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry

standard.

Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 57; one to write WinGetLightBulbHandle(), one to write

WinQueryLightBulbStatus(), one to write.....

Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

 

___________________________________________________________________________________

Actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take

P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I

had her shot.

[Editor's note: the firing squad seems to be the

preferred solution to childhood ailments in Middle

America].

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan.

28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is

administrating.

Excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he

fell out of tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out

of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing

football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has

been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his

side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose

vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had

diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's

fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas

shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We

forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when

we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to

attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.

She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had

a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was

in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a

gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the

doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a

fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her

sister was also sick, fever and sore throat. Her

brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I

wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There

must be something going around, her father even got hot

last night.

___________________________________________________________________________________

An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a

seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in

one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it

with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told

the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S.

of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same

glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the

glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he

was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in

Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too

never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun

off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun

back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada "we

have so many

Americans you never have to drink with the same one

___________________________________________________________________________________

FIVE GREAT LESSONS:

Some Important Lessons Life Teaches You...

*Most Important Lesson

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a

surprise test.

I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions,

until I read the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several

times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know

her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.

Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would

count toward our test grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many

people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and ca all you

do is smile and say 'hello'."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

*Second Important Lesson-Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on

the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm.

Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet,

she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help

her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to

safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab. She

seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him.

Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise,

a giant console colour TV was delivered to his home. A special note was

attached.

It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other

night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then

you came along.

Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just

before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly

serving others."

Sincerely, Mrs.

Nat King Cole.

*Third Important Lesson-Always remember those who serve you.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy

Went into a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of

water in front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins

in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing

impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied."

The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice

cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked

away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When

the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table.

There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, was fifteen cents. You see,

he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave

her a tip.

*Fourth Important Lesson-The Obstacle in Our Path

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid

himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some

of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked

around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear,

But none did

anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon

Approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to

the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally

succeeded.

After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse

lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many

gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the

person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many

of us never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve

our condition.

*Fifth Important Lesson-Giving When it Counts

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to

Know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease.

Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her

5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and

had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor

explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he

would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and

saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her.."

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and

smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then

his face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I

start to die right away?"

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he

was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

You see understanding and attitude, after all, is everything.

You have 2 choices now

1) Delete this email, or

2) Forward it to people you care about.

I hope that you will choose No. 2 and remember to:

"Work like you don't need the money,

Love like you've never been hurt,

and Dance like you do when nobody's watching."

___________________________________________________________________________________

Hands up those who don't get the mouse one - think about it!!

Also, find the one that most suits you. I picked the shin one!

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria-they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

before.

Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.715 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

___________________________________________________________________________________

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET

MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET

WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.

2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.

3. Melts if given special treatment.

4. Bitter if incorrectly used.

5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.

6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious

stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known

reason.

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by

saturation in

alcohol.

5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural

state.

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be

maintained

at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct

contact with each other.

___________________________________________________________________________________

 

100 Great Reasons to be a Guy

1 Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2 Movie nudity is virtually always female

3 You know stuff about tanks.

4 A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5 Monday Night Football.

6 You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives.

7 Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.

8 You can open all your own jars.

9 Old friends don't care whether you've lost or gained weight.

10 Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

11 When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every

shot of somebody crying.

12 Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.

13 All your orgasms are real.

14 A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15 Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the

boards).

16 You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everwhere you go.

17 You understand why Stripes is funny.

18 You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19 Your last name stays put.

20 You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

21 When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone

secretly hates you.

22 You can kill your own food.

23 The garage is all yours.

24 You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25 You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26 Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

27 You never have to clean a toilet.

28 You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

29 Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30 Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31 If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be

your friend.

32 Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack.

33 The National College Cheerleading Championship

34 You don't have to shave below your neck.

35 None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

36 You don't have to curl up next to a hairy bum every night.

37 If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

38 You can write your name in the snow.

39 You can get into a non-trivial peeing contest.

40 Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

41 Chocolate is just another snack.

42 You can be president (In this lifetime.)

43 You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

44 Flowers fix everything.

45 You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

46 You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.

47 You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48 Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

49 You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50 You can say anything and not worry about what people will think.

51 Foreplay is optional.

52 Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

53 Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

54 You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55 You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming

by.

56 You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57 Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58 You don't care if anyone notices your new haircut.

59 You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever

thinking He must be mad at me.

60 The world is your urinal.

61 You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about

to leave you.

62 You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63 Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64 One mood, all the time!

65 You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like

him.

66 You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's

just too skeevy.

67 You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68 You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

69 Same work...more pay!

70 Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

71 You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch

adjustment.

72 Wedding dress: £2,000; tuxedo rental: £75.

73 You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.

74 With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's

population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75 You don't mooch off others' desserts.

76 If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77 The remote control is yours and yours alone.

78 People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

79 ESPN's SportsCenter

80 You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

81 Bachelor parties whip bridal showers.

82 You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83 You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84 You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

85 If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your

other friend you've changed.

86 Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

87 You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Pants."

88 If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just

might become lifelong buddies.

89 Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

90 The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91 You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the

mood.

92 You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93 If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or

throw it across the room.

94 New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

95 Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96 You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97 Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.

98 Your pals can be trusted never to trap with you: "So...notice anything

different?"

99 Baywatch

100 There's always a game on somewhere.

10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY

You have to take out the garbage.

The Ferrari 550 Maranellow lists for over £200,000.

No sofas in your restrooms.

External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're

not allowed to cry.

James Bond movies only come out every two years.

Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours

You have to wear ties.

You can't flirt your way out of a jam.

"Women and children first!"

 

___________________________________________________________________________________

 

48 Things That Never Happen on Star Trek

 

1.The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it

has encountered several times before.

2.The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who

are all perfectly all right.

3.The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called

Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon

revealed to be exactly as it seems.

4.The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which

later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.

5.The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for

which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.

6.An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to

the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring

the right leads.

7.A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a

faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

8.A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a

computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection

feature called a 'fuse'.

9.The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another

without serious incident.

10.The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence

which does not put them on trial.

11.The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.

12.The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous

situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.

13.The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence

which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

14.The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is

in some way unconnected with the 20th century.

15.Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.

16.A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but

fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to

everyone's satisfaction.

17.The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.

18.The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day.

19.An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is

discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would

represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."

20.A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a

single malfunction trapping him/her there.

21.Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."

22.Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!

23.Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."

24.Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

25.Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.

26.Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate

Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love

poetty?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"

27.When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual

range no one says "On screen."

28.Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to

one of the Enterprise's hails.

29.Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done

in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).

30.Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy

git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a

change.

31.Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it,

and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).

32.The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves

out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

33.Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better

than ever.

34.Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a

hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.

35.Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.

36.Data falls in love with the replicator.

37.Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and

isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

38.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced

people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

39.An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell

the tale.

40.Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being

able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences

that anyone says to him.

41.Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.

42.Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk

DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)

43.Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she

doesn't sacrifice herself for him.

44.Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics

45.Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attackby

alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan

physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.

46.The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to

understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow.

47.Scotty can do....

48....and does have the power.

 

 

___________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

This is the most hilarious thing I have read for ages.

 

I know Christmas is over but you might want to remeber it for next

year.....

 

Fruitcake for christmas

1 cup water

1 cup sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups dried fruit

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup brown sugar

lemon juice

nuts

1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the

whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level

cup

and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, Fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK.

Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry

it

loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of

sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat

off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

___________________________________________________________________________________

The Inner Blonde

Time to do the inner-blonde test!! Pay close attention!

There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them

all in 5 minutes.*; DO NOT look at the answers found at the

end of this document, that would be cheating!

Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!

1.*; Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months

have 28 days?

2.*; If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one

pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the

pills had been taken?

3.*; I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound

up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in

the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being

woken by the alarm?

 

4.*; Divide 30 by half and add ten.*; What do you get?

 

5.*; A farmer had 17 sheep.*; All but 9 died.*; How many live

sheep were left?

 

6.*; If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK

room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a

candle, which would you light first?

 

7.*; A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular

construction, each side having a southern exposure.

A big bear comes along. What colour is the bear?

8.*; Take 2 apples from 3 apples.*; What do you have?

 

9.*; How many animals of each species did Moses take with

him in the Ark?

10.*; If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from

Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people

and drop off 5*; passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8

passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at

Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?

 

 

ANSWERS :

 

 

 

1. All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.

2. 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at

1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.

3. 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot

discriminate between a.m. and p.m.

4.*; 70.*; Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.

 

5.*; 9 live sheep.

 

6.*; The match.

 

 

7.*; White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North

Pole.

 

8.*; 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

 

 

9.*; None. It was Noah, not Moses.

 

10. YOU are the driver.

 

 

Grading Scale (out of 10)

10*; Genius

9*;*; Mensa Member

8*;*; Engineer

7*;*; Student

6*;*; High school pupil

5*;*; Primary school pupil

4*;*; Teacher

3*;*; College lecturer

2*;*; University lecturer

1*;*; Member of Congress

0*;*; Blonde

 

 

___________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru"

cash point machines customers will be able to withdraw cash

without leaving their vehicles.

To enable users to use this new facility the following

procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure

that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or

FEMALE) and remember it for when you use the machine for the

first time.

MALE PROCEDURE

1 Drive up to the cash machine.

2 Wind down your car window.

3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5 Retrieve card, cash, and receipt

6 Wind up window

7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1 Drive up to cash machine

2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to

machine

3 Re-start the stalled engine

4 Wind down the window

5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat

to locate card.

6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror

7 Attempt to insert card into machine

8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to

its excessive distance from the car

9 Insert card

10 Insert card the right way up

11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on

the inside back page

12 Enter PIN.

13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

14 Enter amount of cash required

15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror

16 Retrieve cash and receipt

17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash

inside

18 Place receipt in back of cheque book

19 Re-check make-up again

20 Drive forwards 2 metres

21 Reverse back to cash machine

22 Retrieve card

23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card

into the slot provided

24 Re-check make-up

25 Restart stalled engine and pull off

26 Drive for 3 to 4 miles

27 Release hand brake

 

___________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

Classic CHURCH BULLETIN Bloopers

1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to

be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls

on people who are not afflicted with any church.

3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.

All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.

is done.

4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.

5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the

congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake

breakfast next Sunday morning.

6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the

recession.

7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to

8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

8) Ushers will eat latecomers.

9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without

musical accomplishment.

10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have

a nursery downstairs.

11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of

the audience.

12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the

choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare

privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our

pulpit.

14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning

service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services

will be discontinued until further notice.

16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

17) The music for today's service was all composed by George

Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his

birth.

18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and

community.

19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in

the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited

to attend this tragedy.

20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success.

Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the

whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the

home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and

Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a

full choir.

24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev.

Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS

GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church

secretary.

30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition

of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys

sinning to join the choir.

32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in

preparing for the girth of their first child.

33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double

door at the side entrance.