«Everything that is growing you may pull up by the roots. But not always you can break it.»
      …I rested against the wall and was in an agony of suspense waiting for my turn to enter the reception of the casualty department. Just to pass time I was moving the millstones of introspection inside my brain. Surely this was smacking of masochism but it could be justified by those weird things that were happening to me recently. For example, one of them is here. Well, how should I explain the essence to give you an understanding? So, from not long ago I started to notice if some unknown girl had only to look at me I always felt irresistible desire to glance back. And I did so. As a rule, there wasn't somebody behind. But this desire to look back in similar situations not only kept following me. It even was progressing frantically. I got used to glance back even when I knew those persons of the fair sex who demonstrated me the signals of attentions. Definitely, you can't call this normal thing. I tried to find out the roots of this mental illness (there wasn't another name for this) but my search always led me to the same result.
      «Next one, please», – the voice of a pretty nurse cut my psychological investigations at the most painful moment.
      I pushed of the wall and toddling a little entered the spacious cabinet that became permeated with the smell of gypsum and iodine.
      The cabinet's owner, retired captain of Medical Service, Ivan Grigorievich Savin was concentrated and shaven extremely tidy.
      «How are you going on, my friend?» – pronounced in the father-like manner this army surgeon who had seen a lot when I took the seat opposite him and prepared for the listening.
      For almost three months twice a week I heard these his words and, unfortunately, every time I felt a sincere desire to reply. This was weird too.
      «So-so»,– said I against my own will.
      «Well, more exactly»,– Savin inmediately went for a business and looked at me, eyes to eyes, next time trying to see what was hidden on the very bottom of my soul.
      «My leg..»,– I glanced aside and my sight caught the nurse's fingers covered with rings.
      «Does it become dumb?»
      «Yes»
      The girl seized my sight and demonstratively set aside her hand pretending to look preoccupied with condition of her indisputably elegant manicure.
      I moved my sight to the window. For long ago I lost my interest to the women overappreciating their appearance.
      The nurse chuckled hardly audible.
      «Well…»,– with my sight side I saw Savin took from my medical book an X-ray photo and looked through it to examine.
      Behind the window splashed drizzle depressing my soul by an uncozy feeling.
      «Lay down, I'm going to check up that you've got»
      I got up and unfastening the belt moved to the couch standing by the wall. «The illness process ceased before it obtained the cure,» I suddenly reminded an old hospital joke. Of course, it didn't make me laugh.
      Few moments later my stomach and right cheek sticked to the cold oil-cloth. Once again I was convinced how powerful the Earth gravitation is.
      «Is it…,» the doctor's fingers ran across my back-bone and hold over the broken one. It was the first lumbar vertebra.
      I was about to snap but somebody knocked the door.
      «Enter!» shortly said Savin arising.
      The door scratched almost silently and smooth draught slided over my hair.
      «May I…?» I heard deep strong voice.
      I looked up and saw a big fatty man awkwardly pushing his way through the door-frame. He seemed to be some fifty – years old.
      «You're here, Volodya…Come on, enter. It'll take just a moment,» Savin turned again to examine my backbone.
      «Does it hurt?»
      «So-so. Not deadly,» I replied having no mood to discuss my health condition.
      «You may dress,» Savin got the change of my spirit and didn't try to persist moving toward the washbasin.
      «How is Inara getting on?» while stepping he directed to ask his visitor.
      «We're going tomorrow,» the man's face became dark.
      «That's why I'm here. Just to ask a little thing.»
      «Yes, go on,» Savin hang on the towel and tended his hand to the man.
      I watched the huge scar crossing the visitor's face from the temple down to the chin and tried to discover its soul proyection.
      «Ivan, by an occasion, do you have some elastic bandages? I need them badly.» Confirming his words the man moved his hand across his throat.
      «No, Volodya. We haven't had it here in the hospital for ages. What's about the drugstores?»
      «I looked all around,» the guest fell irritated.
      «What's the damned country if even such things are lack there?» something like a semi-sleeping pain stroke inside my head.
      Savin cursed silently as if followed my dark thoughts.
      «I could phone to the department though…»– said he hopelessly.
      «Okay, I'll fix it up by myself,» the guest was obviously disappointed.
      «I've got the bandages,» I said for having no possibility to keep silence anymore.
      All their faces turned to me. Even the nurse who ignored me for the last ten minutes because of my demonstrated indifference kindly gave me a royal-like glance.
      «I've got the bandages,» I repeated.
      «I need just a couple rolls,» added man still not believing in his bit of luck.
      «There is a couple only. I used to bandage my fists» I even didn't realize why I clearified this. «But they're in my place,» I added.
      «There's my car outside.»
      «Well, as they say, the problem has solved by itself,» Savin had sigh of relief writing in my medical card. «Boxing?» he questioned by the way.
      «Something like that,» I preferred to avoid an exact answering.
      «Should I wait outside?» the visitor nodded his head toward the door.
      I glanced at the doctor.
      «Yes, Volodya. Good luck. Kiss Inara.» Savin teared of papers away and tended his hand to farewell.
      A minute later I left the cabinet and hardly following my new familiar toddled along the gloomy corridors.
      «Oh, a load of my mind,» couldn't keep it down my guide looking at me gratefully from time to time.
      I was smiling to demonstrate my understanding but watch my mouth. Recently I could hardly contact the people and that was a natural addition to the list of my identified strange things.
      «Inara hopes so much for this trip,» hardly visible shadow covered his face. «By the way, I'm Volodya,» reminded he tending his hand. «Vladimir Petrovich Cherkas,» he added being a little confused.
      «Sergei»
      There were some cars in the yard by the main entrance hall. I glance rapidly trying to guess which one belonged to him. I choose an old «Lada» staying apart of the group of more respectable cars. And I didn't mistake.
      «Where to?» looked at me Cherkas touching the door handle.
      «The Brickfield. There's a five –storied building by the river.»
      The Brickfield area was considered as an out-of-the-way and very distant place but my guide wasn't afraid of it.
      «It'll take about half an hour to get there,» he assured me and pulled the door.
      I followed him and… During our short acquiantance I heard this name, Inara, sometimes but it seemed to me just an elegant word combination, not something real.
      So, I looked inside and saw a child sleeping on the back seat. A child. Or a girl? I couldn't see definitely because of the waterfall of silky hair protecting her face from stranger eyes.
      «Inara» said Cherkas carefully.
      Golden locks of hair moved.
      I hurried to throw myself on the front seat No one would like to be watched by somebody while awaking.
      «Oh, I slept…» the voice from the back seat sounded like a silver bell.
      I moved ahead pretending to seem watching the color sticker on the panel.
      «We'll just get to some place and that's all,» said Cherkas turning the key in the lock.
      For a while we were going silently that made me feel a relief and hide deep inside the weird world of my thoughts. But the silence didn't last for long.
      «Who are you?»
      I turned. A couple of eyes were watching me showing the real interest. At the moment my all strange things reminded me of their existence. I mechanically looked aside trying to find the right way to do and to talk.
      I spent too much time isolating myself to answer this question exactly at once.
      «Sergei has got that we'd been looking for» Cherkas came to help me viewing my difficult situation. «We're going to his place.»
      «Daddy, I'm not asking YOU,» she said with offended voice.»
      «Silence, silence» muttered humblenessly Cherkas pretending to look like if he plunged into driving.
      «Did you swallow your tongue?» said she laughing.
      A wave bad exitement shaken my muscles. I couldn't bear somebody talking to me with such tone. Even if it was a child.
      I scratched my teeth and looked up. My fury evaporated for being disarmed by the child's charm. Oh no. Not the child's anymore. Pony-tailed blond hair, non visible clear but surely obvious signs of an adult person gave to the pretty appearance of my vis-a-vis some femininity and inexplicable charm. Though she was probably twelve. Or maybe, fourteen years old.
      «Sergei» I pronounced at last.
      «Inara», the child (sure the child!) smiled confidentially demonstrating a small uneven indentation in the upper teeth.
      «Oh!» she covered her mouth with hand while shooting me with her curious glances.
      «Pleased to meet you,» my words were hard to be spoken.
      «How old are you?»
      «Twenty-eight.»
      «And I'm fourteen…I will be…»
      «You're grown up?' «Are you married?» the girl obviously would like to chat for a while.
      «I used to be.»
      «Why used to?»
      «It's just because I used to be.»
      «And why did you say «had?» Now it was my turn to say «and».
      «We still HAVE.»
      «A boy or a girl?»
      «Girl».
      «And what's her name?»
      «Julia»
      «And whom does she look like more – mum or dad?»
      «Dad»
      «She's beautiful…»
      «And…,» I interrupted myself just not to say «Why is she beautiful?»(As you see saying of «and» is extremely contaminous.
      «Why you came here in the clinic?» Inara was interrogating me without noticing my own problems.
      «I was ill.»
      «What?»
      «I fell down.»
      «Oh yeah!?» she seemed to be glad. «I fell yesterday also.» She wasn't confused to demonstrate her indentation. «I was crawling to the telephone and fell. The tooth against the table.»
      «Crawling!?» I glanced at girl's legs. «She's got her soles turned very strange.» I've got it suddenly. «God she was an invalid ! This understanding cut my heart and I smiling in idiot-like manner turned trying to pretend as if I was tightening my laces.
      I secretly dried the tears moving the shoulders and puffing like a steam engine without any idea what should I do the next. Meanwhile I was still «lacing up» continuously.
      «Well, sweep your tears away!» I ordered to myself mobilizing all my forces and turned my face that was red like a lobster to the eyes young girl (sure she was a GIRL!). I was shocked by the changes that took place. Her curious eyes become huge, gray and endlessly melancholy though still charming.
      I just noticed by the moment her small but fully shaped breast, her earrings-two gold-rimmed little diamonds and hardly visible make-up rounded the eyes.
      «Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not a little one.» Said the girl quietly but very firmly.
      «Excuse me…» it was the only thing I found to answer.
      «Okay I will,» Inara nodded her head.
      «Don't you want to know what happened?»
      «Yes,» I confessed.
      The girl looked askance at her father to make certain of him paying no attention to us and said silently just moving her lips.
      «An accident.»
      «Long ago?» I asked also mute with my lips.
      Inara nodded again.
      «The operation is tomorrow,» she said it more loudly.
      «Any chance?» I asked quietly nevertheless.
      The girl nodded once again and I felt something changed inside me.
      «That's strange,» I think habitually.
      «Ain't you afraid?» I said loudly.
      Inara shaken her head and by that moment I got that something incommensurable Greater than just a pity touched my heart. I could hardly explain to myself when this happened but that it happened really was clear more than evidently.
      The girl got it instantly.
      «You…» she tried to say something but she couldn't. She seemed to be short of air.
      Sweet pain squeezed my heart and in her eyes I saw myself as I was supernaturally clear: gloomy, awkward and absolutely not strange though surely this looked strange.
      For long, endlessly long I didn't see my reflection in…woman's (I couldn't mistake, the woman's!) eyes.
      We stared each other eyes to eyes and couldn't stop it. That was almost unbearable.
      «What's up?» Inara whispered and blushed. I saw her hand slowly sliding down the stomach. She seemed to be about to scream out.
      An infinite tenderness overwhelmed me and I could stand it no longer. I covered my eyes with palm and turned away.
      We kept silence for a while.
      'Will you come to see me in the hospital?» broke Inara the silence.
      My nerves tightened into a bundle.
      «No»
      «Why?»
      «I'm leaving…Tonight.»
      «For long?»
      «Forever.»
      «Why!?»
      I shrank my shoulders.
      The brakes scratched with a sinister noise crashing everything inside me.
      «We've got,» Cherkas stopped the engine.
      «Yes, I'll be back right now,» I muttered with overdried lips and pushed the door out.
      Like in a misty cloud I went up to the fifth floor and having the door feverishly unlocked tumbled into the room totally collapsed.
      Deathly calm nowise reflected my arrival.
      I took few steps ahead, stumbled up on the gym bag staying in the middle of the entrance hall and stretched out on the floor.
      «Damn it!» I involuntary seized hold of the naked walls by my eyes and moaned for not keeping it down.
      The echoes of my moaning frightened ran up to the corners of the empty rooms.
      «God…» I sat, pulled up the bag and unzipped it. A manuscript of my unfinished novel, anorak, a suit of underclothes, a volume of Brodsky's poems, my family photograph covered with cracked glass…
      Two brand new packed elastic bandages were kept on the very bottom.
      I convulsively squeezed them in my hand toddled downstairs.
      Inara put the door window down and watched me walking along the broken asphalt path, with a vacant look was pulling at her pony-tail.
      «Get it» I tended the bandages to her and for an instance our fingers interlaced greedly.
      «Why do you limp?»
      «I fell down….I told you before…On the training,» I didn't want to tell the truth. «But it doesn't matter anymore…»
      «How much?», the voice of Inara's father brought me back to the ground.
      «What?» I didn't get.
      «I mean, how much do I owe you?»
      «Not at all.»
      I released Inara's hand and shuffled to the entrance without looking back. Without good-byes.
      «33-77, 33-77,» the car's numbers were blinking inside my mind.
      …Is almost ten years later.»
      I re-red some times the story and buried my face in palms trying to outlive the denouement as sincere as possible.
      The door opened behind hardly audible and easy steps smoothly moved to me.
      «It's time to have supper, Sergei…» on my shoulder laid almost airy touch.
      «Yes, I'm going, Inara,» said I tiredly and inclining my head pressed my cheek to her fresh small palm…

Belarus, 2000