Sex Jokes:

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate
Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly
the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on
hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,
Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"
Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he  didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a  store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it
was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into  bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while
looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to
see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair.

But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The
mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a
hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then
he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to
float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in
the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a
wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again
the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and deliver a basket of goodies to Grandmother when her mother stopped her, saying "Little Red, you had better be careful in the woods because the Big Bad Wolf is out today.  If he catches you, he is going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."

"Oh I'll be all right," Little Red answered as she pulled out a rather large shotgun from the basket she was carrying.  Assured that her daughter would be safe, she allowed Little Red to leave the house and begin the journey to Grandmother's house.

Along the trail in the woods Little Red came across her friends the three little pigs (don't ask what they are doing in the woods, after all it is just a joke)

"Little Red, Little Red," they called to her, "you had better be careful because the Big Bad Wolf is in the woods today.  He said that if he catches you, he is going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off."

After showing them the shotgun and assuring her friends that she would be all right, Little Red continued her journey to Grandmother's.

Just then the Big Bad Wolf appeared and he said, "Little Red at last I found you.  You know what's going to happen now, right? I am going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off."

"I don't think so..." Little Red replied as she leveled the shotgun at the wolf.  She then lifted up her little red dress, and pulled down her little red panties and said, "you're going to eat me just like the book says...."

One day there was a hippie who got on a bus. The bus was very crowded and the man took a seat next to a young nun. He was very attracted to the nun, because she was surprisingly beautiful. After getting his courage up, he finally said to the nun "Will you have sex with me?" The nun, disgusted, told the bus driver to stop the bus and she got off. The man was very disappointed and he moved up to the front of the bus to wait for his stop.

Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided to help him out. He said to the young man, "I know that nun. Every night, she goes to the grave yard at 9:00 to pray at the grave of her friend. If you go there and pretend that you are Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God's request. Just tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sex with you." This gave the hippie great hope.

That night, he went to the graveyard, and sure enough, there was the nun. As she kneeled down, he decided to make his move. He walked over to her, dressed in a white robe with a hood and said to the nun "I am Jesus Christ, will you have sex with me?" Now, of course the nun could not deny the power of God, so she agreed. "I just have one request," said the nun, "it has to be anal sex, so I can remain a virgin and continue in my sisterhood." The disguised hippie agreed and the two had sex.

When they were done, the man thought that it would be funny to reveal his identity to the nun. He took off his robe, revealing a tye dyed shirt, ripped jeans, and hemp nacklaces. "HA HA!! I'm not Jesus, I'm the hippie!" He exclaimed.

Much to the young man's surprise, the nun took off her habit, revealing a gray shirt and gray pants. Laughing, she yelled "HA HA! I'm not the nun, I'm the bus driver!"

There were once 3 men who lived in jail. One was rather stupid, one was a bit more clever, and one was the cleverest (the clever
man). They were all guilty of their convicted crimes but decided to escape.

During the escape they had to cross one large field. The clever man crossed it by crawling behind a hedgerow, the slightly clever man ran across, and the stupid man carelessly strode across the field, whistling ten green bottles (sitting on a wall), and taking his time.

Now, two lesbians owned this field, and hearing the whistling, stopped the men. "You have been trespassing" they both said in
unison. "...and for that you shall be punished." The Lesbians, not knowing that these men had just escaped from jail said, "We
shall now legally (this was in Indonesia) remove your genitiles in a manner according to your job."

The dumb man, not thinking said- "Oh yes, I'm a butcher!"-- they sliced his penis off like ham.

The slightly clever man was about to say that he was a chemist, but with thought that the lesbians might be in possession of
sulphuric acid (remember that this was in Indonesia) said, "I'm a Lumberjack" - he wanted the pain to be quick.... and so it was. Just in one single chop.

The lesbians were enjoying this, and with smug faces (otherwise known as the Anne Robinson from Watchdog face) turned to the
clever man, who said-with an equally smug face- "Oh me....I test lollipops."

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia a few months ago. So she sends him a
care package.

He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of
his favorite TV shows.

He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some
episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his
best friend's dick.

After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie
dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

Now THAT'S a Dear John letter!

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to  win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because
6 times you just layed there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack inthe ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to  breathe.

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said. "That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your god damned attitude changes!"

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL shit on its head."

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good,you can see my house all the way up on that hill".

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

 Name: Last___________First______________ M. Initial_______ Age______

 Address: ________________________________County______________________

 Religion: ________________________#Attendance's in the Last Year_____

 Parents: Father's Name________________#Marriages______#Years_________

 Address________________________________________________

 Mother's Name_______________#Marriages______#Years_____

 Address________________________________________________

1. Do you own or drive a Van? ______________ (If so Please Discontinue Filling Out Form)

2. In 50 words or less, describe what NO!!!! Means to you
________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. In 50 words or less, describe what LATE!! Means to You

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

4. Where would you least like To Be SHOT?_________________________

5. Which is the Last BONE You Want Broken?________________________

6. What do you want to be IF you grow up?_________________________

7. The Place for a WOMAN Is?______________________________________

8. What is MY Daughter's NAME? ___________________________________

9.Who besides GOD Should YOU FEAR the most? ______________________

Parental Use Only:

 Appearance Looks Like:Status:

 Mel Gibson ___________Accepted:__________

 David Letterman_______Rejected: __________

 Pee-Wee Herman________Pending: __________
 

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

 NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

 HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

 SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________

 DRIVERS LICENSE #_______________

 BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________________________

 HOME ADDRESS__________________________

 CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____

 Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________

 If NO, explain________________________________________________________

 Number of years married________ If less than your age, Explain

 ________________________________________________________________

 Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____

 A waterbed?_________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______

 A condom?______ Pornography?_______

 Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?________

 A tattoo?___________ (IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

 In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and priest?_____________

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER)

The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________

When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is ______________________

NOTE: if above answer begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _______________________

Condoms come in packages of

A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE (circle one)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE AND RED HOT POKERS.

___________________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please
do not try to call or write.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

Is this what you've been using on me for the past 10 years?!"

"Honey! Let me explain!"

"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!"

"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted. "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!"

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!"

A kid walked into his new classroom, and the teacher says to him, "Hello, what's your name?" And the kid says, "Jeffrey F**khour."

The teacher told him that she doesn't allow that kind of language in her classroom. Jeffrey tells her again that his last name is really "F**khour" and that she can go ask his little brother in kindergarden. So the teacher tells her class to read chapter 4 while she goes to find Jeffrey's little brother. She walks into a kindergarden class, where the teacher had stepped out for a moment and wasn't there, so she asks, "Hi class, is there a F**khour in here?" One of the kids yells out "No! Theres not even a cookie break!"

There is a hole in the road with a cow in it, a cat on top of the cow, and a rabbit on top of the cat. How would you describe the scene?

Holy cow! That pussy's got a lot of hair on it!

A king had a gorgeous daughter of wedding age. Three princes wanted to marry the princess. So the king said, "Whoever can bring me back the most ping pong balls gets to marry the my daughter." So the three princes went out looking for ping pong balls.

The first prince came back with his horse carrying two sacks filled with ping pong balls. He figured he made it with no problem.

Then, the second prince came back with ten horse carrying sacks filled with ping pong balls on each horse. He thought he would make it all the way.

Finally, the third prince came back. He was all beat up. His clothes were all ripped up, black and blue eyes, skinned knees, and the rest of him was completely demolished. The king asked, "What happened? You didn't find any ping pong balls?"

The prince said, "What the hell do you mean ping pong balls! I thought you said king kong's balls!"

An Indian walks in a bar with a cat in one hand and a bag of shit in another. He walks up to the bar and asks for a shot of whisky.

He takes a gulp, then throws the bag of shit in the corner and shoots it. He asks for another shot of whisky and then eats the cat.

When he finishes the bartender asks why is he doing this stuff. The Indian replies, "I wanna be like white man: shoot shit, drink whisky, and eat pussy."

There was a kid named Dick Hertz. He went to school one morning and his class had a sub. She told everyone to write their name
on a sheet of paper. The next day they had a sub again. She read off the names from the list from the day before. After 10 names
she asked who's Dick Hertz?

One day there was this little boy telling his teacher about this little rabbit dog that he had. He said that the little dog was running after this rabbit one day and keep on and on chasing him. All of a sudden the rabbit just stopped! And the dog went right up the rabbit's asshole. The teacher then said, "It's called a rectum." The little boy replied, "Recked 'em hell! It killed 'em both!"

You know how the right side of the body is controled by the left side of the brain, and the left side of the body controled by the right side of the brain? Well, you know how guys use their right hand for masturbating.

Just think, if they used their left hand, they'd be in their right minds.
Thor! Sore!

Thor was a mighty lion that ruled over the jungle. All the living creatures of the jungle were very intimidated by Thor. Not only was he
very ferocious, he had an insatiable sexual appetite and would satisfy his urges with whatever he could get his paws on.

One afternoon as Thor roamed the jungle he roared loudly and proclaimed, "I am Thor, king of the jungle, and I will have my way with the next animal that crosses my path." Naturally all the animals scattered as fast as they could, none of them wanted to have any part of Thor's plan.

Unfortunately, one little mouse was not quick enough to escape and Thor grabbed him up and took him into the brush and had his way with him.  Afterwards, Thor tossed the mouse aside and roared triumphantly, "I am THOR!" Which the mouse replied, "You think you are thore!"

Flaming projectile gerbil--Actual article from the LA Times

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered  first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." - Good start.

10. "As usual,Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" - They do this frequently? (Or, at least they have done this more than once).

9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the
    sun.

8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out out the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief?  How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic men who shove rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company: 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.

SALISBURY, Md. - A 10-year-old boy has been charged with assault for allegedly snapping girls' bras. The Pittsville Elementary
pupil, was accused of assaulting five girls, ages 8 to 11, earlier this month. He was suspended from school for three days.

The boy was charged with four counts of assault for allegedly snapping girls' bras and one count of sex offense for allegedly
touching a girl's buttocks.

[When asked why he did these things, he replied "I want to be President one day."]

Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are.

Witness Frenchman Pierre Pumpille, of Lyon, who recently shunted a stationary car two feet by head butting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed.

Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games".

Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen icicles, but then one man seized a chainsaw and cut off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and crying "Watch this then!" swung at his own head and chopped it off.

"It's funny," said one companion, "Cos when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man."

Alan Hall, 48, was found collapsed on the front lawn of his brother's Fairfield home on December 5, 8 hours after his penis had been cut off at the base. Paramedics rushed Hall to North Bay Medical Center, where surgeons were unsuccessful in their attempts to reattach his severed organ. Hall blamed the maiming on a woman named Brenda, whom he met at a local gas station the previous night. He brought Brenda to his trailer, parked in the driveway of his brother's Fairfield home, and had sex.

Around 3AM, the woman mentioned revenge and cut off his penis with a razor sharp hobby knife, then fled the trailer on foot. Details of the attack were sketchy, and police were unsure why Hall could not defend himself. Fairfield police Lieutenant William Gresham said Hall may have been using drugs. A heated manhunt for Brenda ensued. She was described as a 42-year-old white female, 5' 7" and 135 pounds, dressed in a white blouse, navy blue jacket and blue slacks, and possibly driving a brown Ford F350 pickup truck.

Meanwhile, after being discharged from the hospital on Monday, Hall drove off in a pickup hitched to his trailer and disappeared.

Detectives were eager to interview him again, but were unable to locate him due to his transient lifestyle. More intriguing details
began to emerge. Hall was arrested during the 1970's for drug possession and drunk driving. In 1982 he was arrested for taking his young daughter out of state. Psychological tests suggested that he suffered permanent mental trauma while serving with the U.S.
Navy in Vietnam, causing blackouts and alcoholism. His ex-wife described him as a packrat who enjoyed taking trips in his mobile trailer home. In 1983 Hall was convicted of voluntary manslaughter of a 23-year-old Suisun City woman found strangled in a car parked at a local Denny's restaurant on 17 February. Hall confessed to the murder, saying that she taunted him about his inability to achieve an erection when he tried to have sex with her.

His statement was ruled inadmissible because of improper police interrogation techniques, and prosecutors agreed to let Hall plead guilty to voluntary manslaughter. He served half of a six-year prison term.

Police speculated that the woman who cut off his penis may have been carrying out a 14-year-old vendetta for the slaying of her friend. But the truth was even stranger. When Hall was finally located and interviewed on Thursday, he admitted that he cut off his own penis. A voice stress analyzer indicated that he was telling the truth. "At this point, there is no evidence that a crime occurred," police Lieutenant William Gresham said in a press release. "The case is being reclassified as an injured person report." Hall may face misdemeanor charges for filing a false police report. Ironically, Alan Hall works as a pipe-fitter, according to court records.

Clinton dies and he goes to hell. Satan meets him there and says, "Bill we have to find a spot for you for all of eternity."

So Satan takes Bill down a hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Bill Gates being burned at the stake. "No," Bill balks, "I can't do that for all eternity." "Fair enough," replies Satan.

Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second door. Inside is Rush Limbaugh being pulled apart on The Rack. "No," Bill again balks. "I can't do that for all of eternity, either."

Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being heldup to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him a blow job. Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me."

Satan walks into the room and kicks Monica and shouts, "Get up Monica, and get out...... Your replacement's here"

Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
She's withholding evidence.

What does Bill tell Hillary after sex?
Nothing, she hears about it on the evening news!

Did you know Monica has a hearing problem?
All Bill really said was, "hold my calls and sack the cook."

What's Monica going to title her memoirs?
"How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really trying!"

Monica wouldn't have soiled her dress if she would have just kept her mouth shut.

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.

Whats the difference between Clinton and a screw driver?
A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.

Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.

Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance.
She's got the whitest teeth I've ever cum across!"

What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote.

What's Bill's new pick up line?
Would you be interested in a position under the president?"

What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

In a survey of over 500 women, when asked if they would make love to the president, 83 percent of them responded; "Never again."

This is the FBI summary of a conversation that took place this week between president Clinton and Ashley, a brand new intern in
the White House:

Ashley walked into the white house for her first day of her internship and was greeted by the President. After a short tour of the White House the President asked "how would you like to see the Presidential clock?"

Ashley looked trouble and said "I don't know..........MR. President. I have heard some pretty bad things about you. I
don't think that would be a good idea."

"Nonsense," said the President, "its just a clock." Ashley agreed and the president lead her into the oval office where
they were alone. As he closed the door he dropped his pants and pulled out his cock.

Ashley gasped. "Oh! That's not the Presidential clock......that's the Presidential...cock!" to which the president responded:

"Ashley honey, you put a face and two hands on it and its a clock...."

The Boston Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky, depressed after the media comments about her figure, and wanting a new image, reported to a plastic surgeon for removal of her love handles.

She emerged two days later with no ears.

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in myface.

"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.

No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.

I will not be stained by it. "Thank you." Monica Lewinsky

Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry cleaner. She walks up to the employee and asks him to clean her dress. The employee, who is hard of hearing asks, "Come, again?" Monica replies "Nope, just mustard!"

After asking just about anyone with a law degree to come to his defense, Bill Clinton finally turned to the one man he knew could help: Johnny Cochran. Ken Starr's spies were able to obtain a copy of Mr. Cochran's top ten suggested defense strategies:

10.  If the dress ain't a mess, he don't need to confess.
9.   The economy's great, let the White Boy skate.
8.   If the bitch didn't spit, you must acquit.
7.   If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal.
6.   Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore.
5.   So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses.
4.   He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life.
3.   Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof.
2.   Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy.

And Johnny Cochran's #1 Clinton defense:

1.   If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral.

Lorraina Bobbit was really very upset at the actions of her husband so she cut off his penis. Below is the part of the story that you may not have heard yet....

After she cut his dick off, she left the house with his cock in hand. She got in her car and headed down the highway. Realizing what she had done, and realizing that she still had the swollen bloody cock of her husband in her hand, she tossed it out the window.

The penis flew out and was taken by the wind. It hit the windshield of the truck that was behind her. Inside the truck, there were two rednecks that were in from a hunting trip. As the cock hit the window one turns to the other and says, "Hey Billy Ray..." "What Cletus?" "You see the size o' the dick on that bug?"

What do Monica Lewinsky and a Coke Machine have in common?
They both have a sign that says, "Insert Bill Here, Faceup."

Seems Bill wasted all that time running for Persident.
He thought they said the "Oral" office.

Why did Bill get into this problem?
He didn't know that her-ass (Harass) was one word.

What does Monica have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff."

In an attempt to shed the publicity of castrating her husband John, Lorena Bobbit decides to move to Moscow. In her efforts to blend in she also decides to change her name. She's now known as Lorena Cutchakokov.

(cut-cha-cock-off)

What to you call 8 days of oral sex?

Hannukah Lewinski

Good manners

Why did Monica Lewinsky wait so long to say anything?

Her mother had told her "never talk with your mouth full"!