Barbie's Christmas Wish


Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY
PAYBACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be
around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1997, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller
are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it
feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white.
What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over
that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that
earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least
make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-imp
away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to
twist, just get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.
How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations
senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
and a bag of chips "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own
pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on
blood and handcuffs or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a
removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to
society, don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree,
then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that
simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie