by Thu Duong
17 June 2000
Prince Brand walked home. He was a plain man dressed in travelled stained common clothes. The only attributes that distinguished him from a commoner were the broad sword sheathed at his side and the large warhorse that he led by the reins. His armor was strapped to the magnificent mount. The sky was clear and blue. A large castle loomed into view. Brand sighed and trudged up the path to the front gate.
As he approached, a large man came out to meet him.
"Hello, Brand. How was your journey?"
"It came and went, McClennan. I would be in your debt for eternity and a day if you got me a cool drink."
McClennan fell into stride next to him as they were saluted by the guards. They walked a bit to the stables were a stableboy took Brand's horse. The pair of men walked into the castle and through several hallways before coming to a small and bare room. There was a straw mattress, a sturdy stool, a well made desk, and a hard wood chest neatly arranged in the chamber.
Brand sat heavily onto the bed.
"I'll be right back," McClennan said, then ducked out of the room.
Brand looked around his spartan quarters. It seemed smaller than he remembered it to be.
The large man returned in a few minutes with a keg and a pair of tankards. He broached the keg and drew some beer for both of them. Brand took a long draw before speaking.
"My thanks friend. I thought that the dusty road was just an expression."
"So what tales of adventure and chivalry have you returned with, Prince Brand?"
"None."
"So what did you spend all those months doing?"
"I'll tell you in a moment, just let me fortify myself."
The dust covered man drained his beer and got himself another drink before continuing. McClennan claimed the stool and leaned it onto the edges of two legs and rested his shoulders against the wall.
"Here is the story of my journey, McClennan. As you remember, I began at the beginning of spring as the ice on the stream broke. I took my horse and rode at a leisurely pace until I arrived at the land of Lac. I inquired about damsels in distress. De nada. Dragons? No. Bandits? Not even. They already had a capable knight, Lance-something or other. All they needed was to have their crystal-vision fixed. It's one of those theatre in a hearth things that my youngest sister was always watching after we got one last Yuletide. Anyway, it distressed the mighty lord mightily. He liked to watched his day time dramas between battles.
"Anyway, after repairing the CV du Lac, I continued on my way." Brand drank more beer.
"Gascony. Damsels? Nope. Dragons? Uh-uh. Brigands? They're on vacation.
"Burgundy. They required my knightly assistance to wire a crystal-vision recorder. Blasted things are everywhere these days.
"Some Dukedom down south. Damsels? None around here, only us guys. I fled when one asked if he could be my damsel in distress.
"Nice. Is their a princess in distress? Yes, I ended up changing a diaper.
"I was getting discouraged when I met an old man on the seaside. He was dressed very oddly in many bright and clashing colors with a short sleeved shirt, short trousers, sandals, and smoked glasses. I believe that he told me that he was an agent of travel.
"He recommended that I booked a flight to Anywhere: Land of Generic Fantasy Adventure. He told me that he was officially on vacation, but that he would cut me a special deal. So I bought a ticket a took a ship to Anywhere. It turned out to be a horrid scow and I got seasick every few minutes, but I guess it's a price of errant knighthood."
"I suppose." McClennan said between two sips.
"Anyway, I got to Anywhere. As a part of the fee that I had paid. I was gauranteed a quest. To begin the quest, I had to go to a large building that turned out to be a crystal-vision studio and I became a contestant on the new 'Knight's Quest' game show.
"Who was the host, but the old man that I had met on the beach.
"We were forced to answer riddles and go through various physical challenges. None of it bears repeating. I won handily though." Brand paused for another drink.
"How did you do that?" The other man asked cautiously.
"The final challenge was programming the time on a crystal vision recorder. It kept blinking 12 o'clock."
"I suppose that you had a some practice with those devices by this time," remarked McClennan dryly.
"I suppose so.
"So I won a quest. There wre concilliatory prizes, I believe boxed versions of the Knight's Quest game or some drivel like that. I was given a scroll which turned out to be a map and a ring that would tell me that I was the chosen knight to rescue the lady being guarded by a dragon in a tower.
"Feeling exultant, I followed the map. I enjoyed the country air and was very glad to be out of the port city. A garish and gaudy place. So many hotels and brashly colorful resorts.
"So I passed a bridge by clobbering the troll guarding it and defeated a group of highwaymen a little while later.
"Finally I came upon the tower; ready to face the trial of my life. There it was. Dark tower against the cloudy horizon. Smoke billowing over the next hill. The scent of sulfur was in the air. Adrenaline rushed through me. I was ready for some serious action.
"Then I rode around the next hill with my lance and shield ready and I laid my eyes on my first dragon. What a disappointment. I pulled my charge short.
"In a wimpy, nasal, and oh so irritating voice, it immediately said, 'No fair, you're supposed to get here tomorrow.' It was a sickly thing was no larger than I am. In fact, it was rather skinny, buggy eyed, and gangly on the whole. It tried to come for me but the horns on its heads fell off and it had to stop to put them back on.
"I was incredulous and asked 'Are you supposed to be a dragon?'
"The little squirt got really upset at this and started to go off on me. It went kind of like this: 'So I'm not a pure breed. Only pure breeds grow horns and grow big. No half drakes aren't REAL dragons. Alright, oh high and mighty REAL knight what are you doing here if you're so hot? And I'm sure that you're something special like a third son or a seventh son of a seventh son of a seventh son.?
"He also had this awful habit of spray instead of saying each word.
"A little surprised by his outburst, I answered. 'Why no, I'm a sixth son of a seventh son of a seventh son.'
"He was an annoying little beast and responded. 'Ha, you're a nobody too with your reject sword -- a silver ninety-nine and it chops so fine. You've got on hand-me-down armor or is it hand-me-up?'
"That was a sore spot since my mail was my younger brother's. I lost my temper." Brand paused for another draught and got his third drink.
"So what did you do, Brand?"
"I clocked him over the head with my lance. I knocked off his fake horns again, cracked my lance, and sent him to dreamland. As I passed the prostrate bugger to get to the tower, I was thinking: 'let's get this over with'.
"I got to the tower and the door came open to see the very well endowed Lady Tryst. Let's just say that she was no blushing maid. She was dressed in well not much, it looked quite like black spagetti actually. I was quite surprised.
"Her first words were 'Welcome Sir Wendel, I've been waiting for you and your sword. May I be your sheath today?'"
"Well there was the action you were expecting Brand. And isn't Lady Tryst an actress on those late night crystal-vision shows?"
"Indeed. Though moreso merely in words. I tried to clear things up. I rode into town and found out that this was all a setup for Wendel's sixteenth birthday. The old man apologized for giving me the wrong scroll and refunded me part of my money. He had to go, he told me that he had another part time gig working for some dragons. Said that it was knighting season, whatever that means. Wendel's parents were furious that their surprise party for their son was ruined." Drink number three went down quickly.
"So you came home to cut your losses."
"Right, might as well quit while I'm ahead. Oh, and the dragon sued for emotional damages and pain and suffering. Anyway, I've got to explain this to Mum and Da. Good day, McClennan. It's actually rather good to be home."