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Trapt - Echo
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Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste, Asking why
I'll run away with you, by my side
I'll run away with you, by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
I think about your face
And how I fall into your eyes
The outline that I trace
Around the one that I call mine
Time that called for space
Unclear where you drew the line
I don't need to solve this case
And I don't need to look behind
Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste, Asking why
I'll run away with you, by my side
I'll run away with you, by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
Do I expect to change
The past I hold inside
With all the words I say
Repeating over in my mind
Some things you can't erase
No matter how hard you try
An exit to escape
Is all there is left to find
Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste, Asking why
I'll run away with you, by my side
I'll run away with you, by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside
So I close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste, Asking why
I'll run away with you, by my side
I'll run away with you, by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside
-
1/12/04
Yearning
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A yearn for that which fills my life with such splendor, a calling, a tranquil means to a wonderful life, I long for you. Every second apart, feels as an eternity, every moment together, feels as though nothing else matters, and that the world could simply just pass us by. I ask you, please, drift off into oblivion with me. Let us sail away and be content with nothing else but each other, hand in hand, drifting along, through the sands, of time. I pray that death is the only thing that should ever physically separate us.
I love you.
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1/11/04
Astral Projections
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The Moon's presence, like a awe-inspiring glowing beacon, guiding me to you, lighting my path. Your eyes, as bright, and shimmering as the most radient star, inducing a heart stopping glare, a look at my very soul. I look at your eyes, and I am whisked away down a vortex, a spinning sensation, an uneasy, and mind-bending trip to the center of your universe. I tuck myself in with your dreams, and drift comfortably off into oblivion. "One's eyes are the windows to one's soul" Should that be the case, I ask you to open you're eyes, look into mine, and let me crawl into your universe to stay.
Long after my body dies, my love will go on.
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1/8/04
A Time To Remember
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I close my eyes and see a tragic future. I close my eyes, I see a blissful past. I close my eyes I see all that my mind wishes to see. I want to close my eyes and see you, smiling back at me, not a care in the world, endless devotion to one another. Like a flash of a lurching feeling sinking to the back of my throat, I sense things that are amiss. I read between the lines of everyday life, and spot the key ingredients of pain, torment and suffering, as these are the things that I know most about in life. I lie awake at night, trying to waste away into the abyss of darkness, but your actions haunt me, and instill a gut wrenching unease in my stomach, and I finally lapse into a sleep due to passing out from exhaustion, with tears in my eyes. Like an ever-growing "hiss", I give in to my unreassured fears, and try everything to quell them. I just need you to tell me that everything is all right, need you to hold me tight, and let me know that all is well, and that I make you feel as no other ever could, to subside your pain, to put that smile upon your beautiful face with every word that I mutter out. To stand beside me every step of the way throughout life, eternal.
I shove aside all the ill fretted words used to warn me of potential heartache, as they are not 100% founded, and I, some may say, "foolishly" give it not a second glance as I carry forth and trust wholeheartedly. I miss the days of rushing home to hear my voice, or call for no good reason but to tell me of your love, and what had reminded you of me on that eve. It seems now that I sit in silence more each day, as other things have now won your attention. I still make myself readily available, incase the urge ever comes back, to be madly, and wonderfully inseparable once more.
I still give my all to you, in hopes, all will resort back to bliss.
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1/6/04
Remember To Keep Breathing
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Look up to me, with those weary eyes, eyes scorn with pain, scorn with sorrow, scarred with sadness, loathing and shame.
Where did you go? From whence I had left you, just to return to this tattered state.
I have returned, and yet, something is amiss, it's almost like when things first began, where once I had poured out everything, and had but a whisper back. The tables had turned, and now my observations lead me to believe that things are traveling in circles. Wherever this circle leads, I hope it be back to you.
Ill reports find me, and I brush them aside, as I have bestowed all of my being into you, trust included. Betray me, and you will crumble, honor my trust, and you will rise higher then dreams may flourish.
Break me, and you will be broken, Build me, and you will be complete.
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1/4/04
Think
---
Your tongue like daggers slicing my skin. Mindless, senseless, act of verbal negligence. Had you not meant so much to me, it would matter not, but should my world crumble around me, should my supports fail, I will topple down, and break. Remain firm, remain steadfast, remain whole. Think, Act, Speak.
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1/02/04
Confused Future
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Too much time to dwell, too much time to think. Where am I? Where will I be? How will I get there? The answer I seek lies in the words: "Time will tell" How do I pick up the pieces in my life, and attempt to mend them back into place? I must set my mind free, and pick up these puzzle pieces in my life, and begin putting them all together.
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12/4/03
The Disintegration Of Ill Minded Thoughts
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Cast out your thoughts of me being as any other that you've come to know. You know the truth, and when those thoughts unearth themselves, show them that you know just exactly how much I love you, how much I care for you, and how much you mean to me, and bury them silently. Things once done out of lust, and false emotion, are now done out of the purest essence of love. This certainly must be recognized and acknowledged. Never will pain be brought forth unto you, by me. I couldn't bare it. Your happiness is mine, and mine is yours, just look to that when any moment of doubt has arrived. I swore that I would never hurt you, I gave a promise, and that is my bond. You need never doubt me.
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9/11/03
Finding The Cure
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My Love, Look at how far you've come, since the days of reconnection, finding you disheveled and confused, alone, neglected, and abused,
Look at where you've come from, to where you are now, through every day since, from the sorrowful and sad, to the joyous and glad,
Look at where you're standing, and how you feel, look now, and look then, and tell yourself, this love, MUST be real.
You've found your cure, and I, mine, and together forever, we shall be, to the end of time.
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9/9/03
Overwhelming Emotion
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He closes his eyes... he sees your face, he sees your smile, the one given just to him, he sees the rain splashing against your face, he sees the amount of pleasure emanating from within you, your facial expressions, biting your lip, and your body twitches, he hears the thunder, clapping overhead, he feels the rain against his back, he tells you how much he loves you, and what you mean to him, whispered right into your ear, as all of this takes place, feeling overwhelmed and pure emotion in the highest sense... He opens his eyes... He is overcome with so much, overcome, as all of his senses act at once, making him twitch and quiver, making him experience pure love in huge amounts in such a short nanosecond...
...all of this, in the blink of an eye.
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8/10/03
Listen Close
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Can you hear, hear the distant screams?, can you see, see the brilliant display shining bright, before you? Are you lost?, are you cold?, Do you need a guide?, someone to help you in this time of need? All you need do, is look to me, for I am there, call my name, and I respond, need me, and I drop it all. I remain here, waiting, standing ready. Patience, my consolement, my virtue, and all that I have.
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8/5/03
Birthday
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X
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8/1/03
Death Is Only The Beginning
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Only a week left until my birthday, another year older, another year closer to death, another year that I'll get to spend with you. To look over and see you there. I couldn't be more comfortable. When told anything in the same manner as you, seemed always somewhat skeptical, but to hear them from you, I just smile, because I know it's real. No more lies, no more false promises, no more pain, safe in your arms. Growing old and wasting away, together.
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7/24/03
The Used - Bulimic
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From the way that you acted
To the way that I felt it
It wasn't worth my time
And now it's sad cause all I missed
Wasn't that good to begin with
And now I've started you begging
Saying things that you don't mean
It isn't worth my time
A line's a dime a million times
And I'm about to see all of them
Goodbye to you
You're taking up my time
You call my name when I wake up
To see things go your way
I'm coughing up my time
Each drag's a drop of blood a grain
A minute of my life
It's all I've got just to stay down
Why the fuck am I still down
I'm hoarding all that's mine
Each time I let just one slip by
I'm wasting what is mine
Goodbye to you.
-----
I've moved on, and it's the most comfortable choice I've made in a long time, for I am at peace.
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7/23/03
"Friends"
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To those who operate out of hearsay, and speculation, forming untrue opinions spawned from lies, and guesses... Go to hell. If you can't find out the whole story from both sides BEFORE passing "judgement" then you might as well just live out the rest of your life as a lie. Don't DARE judge a person off of what another, who doesn't know ANYTHING about the person, says. You close-minded sheep, you'd almost believe anything you were told. You think you know my life? You have NO idea, and you wont find out anything from someone who isn't even a remote part of it. So go ahead and believe what you will, just know that unless you find out from the person involved, it can't be considered even REMOTELY true. If you have a question about my life, ask ME, not someone who doesn't know anything about me, and leaving it as where is lays now, is cowardice. Good day, my "friends"
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7/23/03
A Short, Random, Something
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To awake from a dream, and see that you're still there,
To continue life, without even a care,
Everything falls into second, next to you,
Falling deeper and deeper into something pure and true,
Taking not for granted all the little things day to day,
Seeing all the beauty in life, in my own special way,
Peering down the hallways of the future, you're always at the end of each,
Always next to me, always within arms reach,
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7/23/03
Fear
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What is fear, to me? On my own, I know not the meaning of the word, but to rely on another, instills the deepest of fear within my body. Who can one trust? Is the solution to life to go about it alone, relying on noone but ones self? I can only control the actions, thoughts and feelings of one. Myself. How then can one be sure of another's actions? The word "trust" makes me shivver, simply due to the fact of not being able to do so without being stepped on and crushed. I hope that this time can be different, that I wont be built up simply to be knocked down yet again. I know I try too hard, after all a first impression is the longest lasting, but what happens when the first impression is but a glimpse of the joy you can bring to a life? After that, it's simply just expected and shrugged off, because hey, it just happens all the time, so there is nothing to miss. Perhaps that is my flaw. The less I try, the more ground I gain. Maybe I should just stop trying. It's only expected anyways. Besides, then I wouldn't be taken for granted anymore. I know not.
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7/22/03
Quell The Pain
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I don't hurt too much anymore. My pain is drowned out by something pure and real. My pain does not exist but for a few short seconds. It matters not on how my pain came to be, or why it was there. What does matter, is that I have found a cure, a release, purity, in an impure world, a sanctuary, from all the evils in this world. When you were created, it is as if it were just for me. I don't want to wake up, from this beautiful dream, asleep for all the days to come. My heart beats a million times a second, as you race through my mind, and course through my veins, you are now apart of me.
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7/15/03
Nine Inch Nails - That's What I Get
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Just when everything was making sense.
You took away all my self-confidence.
Now all that I've been hearing must be true.
I guess I'm not only boy for you
That's what i get.
How could you turn me into this?
After you just taught me how to kiss, you.
I told you I'd never say good-bye.
Now I'm slipping on the tears you've made me cry.
But that's what I get,
That's what I get.
Why's it come as a surprise.
To think that I was so naive.
Maybe didn't mean that much.
But it meant everything to me.
That's what I get.
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7/13/03
Nine Inch Nails - Somewhat Damaged
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So impressed with all you do
Tried so hard to be like you
Flew too high and burnt the wing
Lost my faith in everything
Lick around divine debris
Taste the wealth of hate in me
Shedding skin succumb defeat
This machine is obsolete
Made the choice to go away
Drink the fountain of decay
Tear a hole exquisite red
Fuck the rest and stab it dead
Broken bruised forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore
In the back off the side far away is a place where I hide where I stay tried to say tried to ask I needed to all alone by myself where were you?
How could I ever think it's funny how everything that swore it wouldn't change is different now just like you would always say we'll make it through then my head fell apart and where were you?
How could I ever think it's funny how everything you swore would never change is different now like you said you and me make it through didn't quite fell apart where the fuck were you?
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7/13/03
Confused Little Girl
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So much growing up yet that needs to be done, so much life to learn so little have you come, and yet you feel it far. Life will teach you many things, namely it will teach you humility, and how bad you can fuck life up, but it's because of those instances, that people learn, and so shall you. Look so hard, seek the answers, but you wont find them now, you wont see them for a while, much yet you have to learn, and right now, you're so blind to the fact that you can't see. *shakes head* All in all when this whole thing blows up and fucks everyone over again, hopefully it will be the end, for this has happened way too many times. Kill the pain, end the games, and run far away in solitude, for that's how it will end eventually anyways.
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7/13/03
The flavor has worn out yet again, unfortunately, I am down to...
... NOTHING ...
Dead / Strike Three, I'm Out
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Had your chance, now gone away, lead along, now gone astray.
Look around and see all that in which could be there, happiness, love, a life, free from despair,
Gone now are the hopes and dreams, for now we all know, that nothing is as what it seems,
Confusion once more beset upon your soul, however I now exist not, and your joy is now beyond my control,
Nothing gained, and everything lost, would it have been better if our paths simply had not crossed?,
In life I still wish you much joy and glee, alas I wont be around at all to see,
Never give up your quest for all that you need, and I hope you find it someday, someday soon indeed,
I now slip softly into my void, soon forgotten, all alone, once more, in devoid,
Remember all that which was taught, and remember that some things are very different from once first thought,
I have just come to see this now, longing for death and I don't care how,
Either way, to you, I'm dead, Killed swiftly by your confused little head,
I still ask what all I did wrong, did I not show you the true meaning of love for so long?,
Now I sink slowly away, for I was, and am, nothing.
-
7/10/03
Meaningless - Meaningless - Meaningless - Meaningless - Meaningless - Meaningless - Meaningless - Meaningless
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For every tear shed in glee,
There is a thought of you.
For every time I see you next to me,
A thought of you.
For every smile shining bright,
A thought of you.
For every star counted at night,
A thought of you.
For every time I hold your hand,
A thought of you.
For every instance great things unfold, unplanned,
A thought of you.
For every sweet word I hear,
A thought of you.
For every moment that you are near,
A thought of you.
And for every thought of you,
Behind which lies love, pure and true.
----------------------
Meaningless - Meaningless - Meaningless - Meaningless - Meaningless - Meaningless - Meaningless - Meaningless
Keep reading if you wish to find out all which confusion leads to.
Savoring The Moment
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What kind of words can you use to describe the perfect day? The perfect situation?
Forever etched in my mind, holding you by my side, stormy mornings, to thunderous, shimmering nights. Looking down, and seeing you in my arms, overrun by joy, pondering as to if it were all a dream, a dream in which to wake up from, would be sorrowful to bitter ends. Nothing so blissful exists... it can't, but yet, I have just undergone such bliss, I have just felt this... this perfect day. Never could I even try to forget this day, and to want to, would be to deny life's grandeur. Laying there, by waters edge, watching as the sky darken in the blink of an eye, as some mythical power had been cast over the sky and made it beautiful just for the two of us. Like the Earth had seen us together and how wonderful that alone was, that it had made that morning indescribably beautiful, just for us.
And to the night of this momentous day, just went to show how the real beauty in life is magnified by an incredible amount whenever you're near me. Things we see day to day, are drastically more beautiful, I must say. I've never had a weekend so wonderful, so blissful, so meaningful. And it will play out in my memories, for all of my days to come. It's like, when you die, and an angel asks you what you liked best in life, all I need say is: "her eyes when she smiled, the way that she had the gift of simply touching me, halting my senses, and making me feel alive, and like nothing else mattered," She will be the death of me, this I know, be it in old age, or tomorrow, my final love lies with her.
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7/6/03
An Ill Fretted Glance
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Look back at me, watch the face of pain staring back at you, again and again. Play not again with my heart, for this is but a third strike. Should it all fall through once more, there will be no one around to pick up the pieces, to mend the wounds, to comfort the broken. The end, will it be, and as such, nothing thereafter will exist. I dare not mention fate, for she has many a time cast me into this situation, alas, all one can do is stand by, and hope.
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6/27/03
Soon You Shall See
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Shortly soon, you will see, as the butterfly emerges from the cocoon. Entering, a slimy, disgusting creature, sealing himself in for a great amount of time, having dealt with constant ridicule and pain. Finally fed up with chronic heartache and sorrow. So superficial is the world, that he now resorts to this. You all couldn't accept him as he was, a humble little harmless creature that always made you smile. No, you want something beautiful, and something new, it has now become human nature to do as such. So as society has changed, so must he. To accommodate this disturbing trend, to try even harder to find someone accepting. Although there is always something new in every direction, the directions chosen always lead to dead ends. Why not choose the right directions? Simply because, those were the right direction. Then why are they dead ends? Because you have all been too blind to accept, and appreciate it. It's ok... it'll all be over soon.
6/21/03
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"Check... Check One, Check One-Two, Testing.... Yup, your disassociation is working just fine."
Go back and find out what you did, then we'll talk. If I feel like risking it once more.
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6/21/03
Once Just Wasn't Enough
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Again you tear me apart, build me up, knock me down, topple me over, crush me, devour my soul once more. I've never seen someone with so much metaphoric death upon their back. Look for any excuse you can to back away, to use me indirectly, and leave me for dead. I am but the "flavor of the month", suckered in another time by your charm, and smitten down again. There are those who would kill to be treated as such, and yet you toss it aside as if it were nothing, and meaningless. You are both confused, and confusing, surely a vexing soul. You let numbers come between us, you use any excuse. I hope he knows what he is getting into as well. Maybe one day you will be on the receiving end of all of this, and realize exactly how much of a humbling experience it really is. You have no idea the situation you are getting yourself into. I hope you work things out in your life, maybe then you'll realize what you want, and stop basing things on a childhood dream, if that even really existed. Who's to say what is real anymore? What do I know anyways? I'm just a timid and weak fool who doesn't know anything about life. You want advice? Don't lead people on, and follow your heart. That's all I can say. If your heart is confused, don't pursue anything until you're certain! This will keep things from chaotic outcomes. And don't make guarantees that are sketchy at best. Why then, and not now? Because you always like something new. As far as Fate is concerned... fuck fate, I create my OWN destiny. Others should too. I am but "chopped liver". As such, I should be treated. Take me for granted, use me as "filler". Make up some lame excuse how i'm "Too good" or "I don't deserve you", be like all the others, use me... lose me. Maybe someday there will be someone who will recognize all that I have to offer, accept me, and love the fact that I keep a smile upon their face every day that I can. Oh well, in the mean time, i'll just continue to be taken advantage of, and used... it's just what I'm used to. Anything else, just wouldn't seem right. So yeah, I guess we'll talk in about 10 months, because hey... that's far too long to hold on to something. *sigh*
Adieu
-
06/10/03
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Irritable Laughter
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I find it rather amusing as to how many people want what's worst for them, not realizing, and weighing out the consequences of their choices. You naive fools. All will be fine in the end, for you will have your just rewards, an eternity in misery. You bring it all upon yourselves. Wake up, open your damn eyes, and measure your actions. You only live once, try not to fuck it up so much along the way. Take my advice any way you choose, but I suggest it not be taken lightly, should you choose to succeed in life. What do I know? Perhaps nothing. ...or perhaps more then you could ever want to know about living.
5/14/03
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My Day
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Today was my day to shine, my head held high, as all the pieces of the day fell right into place. Short lived as the day was, it was refreshing to feel alive for a change. No drama, no stupidity, no fighting (ok, maybe a little, but it wasn't anything I gave a damn about, because it didn't really concern me, so it didn't really involve me at all), total apathy, and a smile upon my face. Tomorrow, today will be but a memory, and a longing to return.
5/7/03
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Be Gone With You
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Fuck it all, to the bitter end, our hearts, we try and defend, when all is said and done, what have we really won? The key to life, to end the strife, succeeded denial, betrayal of the soul, society, as a whole, means nothing. Meaningless solitude, empty compassion, hatred for the fickle youth, Haunted are we. Apathy for my soul, the best medicine for death, prescribed by the reaper herself. Slowly draining any hope or joy, playing with my emotions, as a small toy.Vicious cycles, looping in circles, in my head, figure myself, better off dead. The end is near, the end is here, my dear, sink softly into this bed of thorns, until pain is no longer felt, bringing closure to my soul as to what could ever be.
5/3/03
-
Cold - Stupid Girl
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Wanna love ya
Wanna bug ya
Wanna squeeze ya
Stupid girl
Wanna touch ya,
Wanna take ya,
Wanna shut ya,
Stupid girl.
I can't take this,
Born to break this.
She's going away,
(She's going away)
What's wrong with my life today?
She's going away,
(She's going away)
What's wrong with my life today?
Stupid girl, Stupid girl
I'm a loner,
I'm a loser,
I'm a winner,
In my mind.
I'm a bad one,
I'm a good one,
I'm a sick one,
With a smile.
I can't take this,
Born to break this.
She's going away,
(She's going away)
What's wrong with my life today?
She's going away,
(She's going away)
What's wrong with my life today?
Stupid girl, Stupid girl
(acoustic break)
Stupid girl, Stupid girl
(whoa)
She's going away,
(She's going away)
What's wrong with my life today?
She's going away,
(She's going away)
What's wrong with my life today?
Stupid girl, Stupid girl
If you have no idea what the deal is with the visuals, download the music video.
-----
To my good friend Vodka, to whom without, life wouldn't be as bearable:
Frailty and the recognition that we are not immune from emotional pain, we all distress, we all hurt, from this infectious disease, inflicted deep within our souls. I really wish I had better things to write about then the suffering of both mankind, and myself as well. I remember those days of when. Endless joy, void of sorrow, pain, and confusion. Alas I sit here alone once more, yearning, and dreaming of when it will be my time once more to experience those days of when. Dark clouds now fill my sky, my world, my life. I long once more for the sun, to chase away the clouds and shine down upon me. When sun?, when shall you return?, It's been so long since I have last glimpsed at your radiance.
Why are you so enticing?, sitting there, I barely know you, yet, i'm so drawn to you, why are you not here, by my side? What have I done? I'm so confused, we had the best of times together, and now I have been left alone, wondering where you have gone. This situation yet again, like a dream, a dream in which I would never like to wake from. I hate this. Would it have been better to have never met at all? I know not, but one thing is for sure, I do feel for you. Knowing my luck, all this has a very good explanation, and i'm warping this way out of proportion... on the other hand, it's probably even worse then i'm portraying it, which would be all that in which I fear. Please come back to me.
I fear that I am cursed by my boasting and pride. Whenever I tell others of the good points in my life, they always fall through. Perhaps I will just be quiet and live life, rather then speak it. Please tell me that I have not already cursed this. It means too much. I don't ask for too much, but apparently, it's still too much.
Have your chance at happiness and throw it all away. Fate once more mocks me, smiles ever so sly, her face, can't deny, the joy held within,, at my dismay and turmoil. Dangle all that with I yearn for, just out of arms reach, just to watch as I struggle once more. My emotions now consume my distress, and overpower my ability to produce joy. Fuck my chance at happiness, at love, at completion. What have I done wrong? At what point did I condemn my undoing?? Why must the good suffer? Why can we not be rewarded by our actions instead of cast aside into the darkness devoid? I know my place, for I am the drug, see me when you need your fix, then forget me, until the yearning arises once more. All I ever wanted was to bring a smile to your face, and fill your life with glee. But that is too much for me to ask, too much for you to give me the opportunity to do so. I don't understand and I may never. Perhaps I am a fool, pursuing yet again that in which I yearn for most... Closure, Contentment, and Joy.
Stab out my eyes, so that I may never see again the look on your face as I stare deep into your very soul. Should I never see anything thereafter, I shall not complain. I long to be near you once more, by your side held safely within my arms. But you deny me, why? Am I that wretched? I know not. I don't know why I even write this, perhaps just to vent on how disappointed I am that yet again, a suitable candidate tosses me aside, and throws me away, as if I were nothing. As long as you are happy, I shall try and remain content. Good luck.
Starving for one more moment with you, wanting nothing more then to be by your side, alas, I once again feel mislead and confused, alone in my dark room of solace. I wanted so much for this to work, but one person cannot control the actions of two. Why does this feel like a dream once more, another opportunity that I long to turn into reality. I miss you.
I hate this feeling, the feeling of denial, of rejection, of confusion, of emptiness, of nothingness, of solitude, of hope devoid, of pain, of unrelenting torment, of mockery, of meaningless emotions. Thank you for being different, thank you for the chance to do nothing, thank you for the pain induced upon my every being. I thought this would be different, but you're just like all the rest, Too blind to see what lies right before them. I hate this. I hate this repetition, repeating situations over and over throughout the course of my life. Fate, why do you see fit to torment me so much? Please, just let me be, happy and free.
4/17/03
Fate, you dirty, filthy lie
---
I despise you fate, you and your tormentuous games, leave me be. Don't build me up, just to tear me down, just leave me alone if anything at all. I hate this, I hate the yearning, I hate the longing, I hate what you do to me.
4/15/03
An ill fretted laugh
---
Wow, A whole month without updates. Forgive me, I was ascertaining myself to a delightful arrayed mixture of work, and social time. At long last I'm able to find a few free minutes to sit back down at the computer and reflect on how things are now.... *clears throat* Well I've pretty much been able to rule out a select group of "friends" and their false promises at trying to get a hold of me (always fun). Why didn't I "pick up the slack", and call them instead? Just because I needed to get to that point where I had to find out exactly where I stood... and hey.. now I know. heh. May seem like an awful thing to do, but now I know where to focus more of my energy, and where it was wasted. As far as work goes, I got yet another promotion, and am climbing my way up the corporate ladder, only to quit after my schooling is done. It seems like a waste of time to some, but I've learned many valuable traits, and will more then likely apply them into my future career. With the promotion, comes less free time however.. but a lot more money. *grin* That's about the jist of my updates for now. Take care.
4/5/03
An Odd Calm
---
As shitty as a week could get, I find myself at ease over it being almost over. A couple more days, and I shall once again rest up and prepare for the next tormentuous week ahead. On the bright side, the weekends will divert my mind away from that which brings me down. To socialize again, and be united with those in whom everything just seems to go alright with. No conflicts, no strife, just mature, and intellectual fun. ...for the most part. *grin*
-
2/27/03
Dwelling Upon The Past, And Bringing Forth Sorrow
---
Reminded again about how good some things were, and how much that they are missed. I shall make an effort to regain it, and try to do so without falling back into the tormented web of the fickle mind. To befriend, and to enjoy. No more heartache or sorrow, just joyous laughter and well being. We shall see what becomes of this. I shall raise my hopes no more, and let things fall where they do.
-
2/24/03
Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here
---
Here we go, down that same old road again, me, alone again. Finding myself utterly content with my solace, I stand not perturbed. I smile and find comfort in knowing that nothing has changed, everything will stay the same. Change is evil, change is always bad, and never works out for the better. Think of a situation you've been in, and change was integrated, it may have seemed wonderful, but what was your final outcome? That is my point.
I am surrounded by so many, and at the same time, feel so alone as well. Alas, all this matters not.
2/7/03
-
Forgotten
---
Through all, through thick, through thin, we pledge an oath to stick by each other for what may seem an eternity. Oh how quickly some people can just move on and forget your very existence. "Friendship" lately I think this word to be one spoken to lightly, and seldom backed up. What am I to do? Sit idly by and watch the smiles from afar as you carelessly go about your business? You may ask: "Who hath forgotten who?" If I last recall right, 'twas I that was to receive a call. A call I waited for, showing that I was not hated, that I was still alive in your mind, that all was well... Needless to say, I heard not a ring, nor a knock, stating that all was well, all was the way it once was. Alas, I heard silence. A void in your mind am I now, long forgotten and isolated. Enjoy all that I have given you, for once again I am taken for granted.
2/5/03
-
*Blows off the dust*
Back in action once more, I hope. Keep checking in.
2/3/03
Flavor Of The Week/Letting go
---
Looking back to see all that was, and ever could be,
Realizing just how far away I was, from reality,
I made one fateful mistake those many days back,
I let myself fall for your unconscious and unaware eyes, letting myself slip through the cracks,
Frankly, my dear, you were not ready for me,
And I, not ready for your apathy,
In life, there should be no regret,
But that's usually because you learn from that which has been beset,
Done with me, as I am done with you,
I've finally moved on, and actually pretty glad, we're through.
1/24/03
-
Trapt - Echo
Hoobastank - Running Away
Cold - Gone Away
1/5/03
Aspirations crushed and hopes shattered. Fate intervenes once more. Lessons learned, new pain now felt. When will it all end? Death? Is that the only real escape? I guess we'll find out.
1/1/03
Liberation...
Enough Is Enough
---
It's high time this all came to an abrupt end. It's the same mundane situation coursing it's way through time and time again. I welcome now the future in front of me, and wave good-bye to the past. It was all fun while it lasted, but all good things really must come to an end. I stand face forward, awaiting what lies in front of me, instead of turning my back on all that which I could be indulging on even at this very moment. Nevermore. Just to live day to day, and I do mean live, because before we even know it, we'll be asking ourselves where the fuck our lives went. ("we" as a theoretical metaphor) I welcome all that lies before me now, and I shall shroud myself in it, and be grateful. We learn from our mistakes in the past, as to not make them again in the future, to attempt to better ourselves, and to know exactly how to live life to the fullest, which is what I intend on doing from here on out. Not that I haven't already, but I have been known to deny myself a great many things. No more wondering, no more pondering, just acting upon instinct, and going with it. It's time to live. It's time to be alive. No more burdens. No more wasted life.
12/24/02
-
Watch It All Unfold
---
*laughs* I feel so free, and apathetic. It's great. My thoughts and worries are quelled. I know now how it feels not to care anymore (must be nice, to those who live this way everyday), not to worry about what the next day will bring, to just accept it and make the best of it. No more planning, no more pain, no more wasted life, sitting alone in darkness, waiting for nothing, or waiting for the pill to take away the pain (metaphor). We are the masters of our own destiny, and now it's time to just concentrate on my own for once. Not that I'm going to give it much thought, but rather just let it all unfold. It is now the dawn of a new beginning, I embrace it and find peace in the thought. New things are already finding a place in my life. I welcome it all in, and allow myself to find joy once more.
12/01/02
-
My apologies to those who I shrugged off and wouldn't listen to, who I was so ungodly stubborn with. I know now what you were all saying, and I admit I was wrong, and that every one of you were right. So I take this moment to say "I'm sorry", as well as "thank you".
Everything has now found clarity.
-
Ultimatum/Taken For Granted
---
Weeks of training and mental preparation are now paying off. Given my all, my heart and soul, poured forth, all for not. My test of patience is now done, my results are either quite good, or quite pathetic, depending on how it is viewed. Regardless, more knowledge have I gained, and more experience of the downtrodden, have I ascertained. To whom this all matters to is, and perhaps will always be, undiscovered. Transitions are now taking effect, changes are now spawning, perhaps some are being noticed, perhaps not, but this is only the beginning. The time is at hand, time to evolve, to create a thicker shroud, surrounding the heart. To create more apathy towards the trivial, and to create a sense of disconcern for all the small talk in the world, for it amounts to, nothing. To those who I have put off, or ignored: My deepest apologies. I was in a world of disillusion, a world of mistaken grandeur. This is now my epiphany, my awakening, the end to my mistaken yearning. It's obviously got me nowhere, and I have little to show for it. It's time to start anew, time to end the games, to stop the feeble attempts at showing all that which could have been, and all that would have been, time to show, what life is all about, to someone willing to undergo, someone who wont mind the thought of attempted eternal joy, the thought of being singled out and chosen, the thought of undying adoration for one person, and one person alone, who wouldn't mind, and perhaps appreciate, being showered with attention, and accepting all that which I have to offer. ...Self sacrifice at it's finest.
11/30/02
-
i can't lose anything
so what's left is mine
and I win this time
consolation day
I'll make up a way
I'll know now just what to say
I'll get away from you
wait and I'll be begging
I'll pull you down
I saw it all again
fading memory became clear to me
I try but I can't say
that I'm yours for good
support me you said you would
I'll get away from you
wait and I'll be begging
I'll pull you down
awake and dreaming
I'm only sleeping
--------------------------------------------------------------------
slow sinking feeling kills the mood you're conveying
and it pulls me far down below
it might be best if you go
can it not wait and hope for the best
will it not stop a while to rest
I need to get up never mind cause I've done enough
the world waits around but i keep slipping and losing ground
do I not try so hard so good
I can't keep changing just because you think i should
said all i need to and you don't understand still
wish you saw picture my mind's eyes are deep and they're cynical
one taken four more kills the pain healing that sore
I've taken what's left I took it all
and now you won't let me forget
the world waits around but I keep slipping and losing ground
do I not try so hard so good
I can't keep changing just because you think i should
stop you're talking down
I lack the strength to sit or stand
I lost my self confidence in the quicksand
not now or ever
sink slowly my treasure
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
felt the best that I could feel censored every memory
give me yours so I can feed mine
anywhere but far away can't be what you meant to say
I won't miss you in the meantime
all jokes aside you should decide
if it pleases or pains you
you should be allowed but you were beat out
so nothing can save you
closing up into the end try to start it up again
a lower voice and tired heart beats
take away the self esteem force it through to get relief
taking everything that I need
spirits all keep coming down
come around with answers
I'll cut my teeth in slivers
you're up and gone and senseless
broken open your abscess
is it all or is it none
I cant decide
closing all the one way doors
till I am left outside
that's just what I see
that's what I came to see
now you shut me out
I feel left out
11/29/02 -11/30/02
-
Closing Relief
---
I know now where i'm headed. The end is in sight, and I know now what I must do. Sweet release, comfort me as I venture forth on to new and uncharted paths. No matter the road, no matter the distance between, i've done all that I can, and will continue to do so. All will be well, for that is how it was meant to be.
11/24/02
-
Hey there, you want to know what's really annoying? Having a problem with someone, and not confronting them with it, but instead venting it out, so indirect, to the point where nothing is resolved, while hate and aggravation consume you. But that's the way some people do things, isn't it? So go ahead, make more slanderous remarks, and make yourself look that much more mature.
11/17/02
-
Aren't roller coasters fun? Especially the metaphoric ones involving other peoples' hearts. Meaningless fun eh?
11/17/02
-
Back To This
---
Oh how this all seems too familiar, the junkie has had their fix, and is now content. The lies coarse though the veins, and penetrate the heart. You have now succumb. Dilute away.
11/16/02
-
Sweet Caress Of Death's Embrace
---
I feel you near, by my side, I see a tear, for you have something to hide.
Drown it out, kill the pain, but it will be back, again and again.
I'm here to help, someone you can confide, I'll prove to you that it's your own well being that you yourself may provide.
No reason to run, no reason to fear, all is well, for you're in the clear.
I'll always be here for you, should it be me, that you need, I know all too well the pain that you feel, quite indeed.
Never again speak that of what you have muttered to me on this night, contemplate, ponder, and course your actions, to determine just exactly what is wrong, and what is right.
Everything will be fine, you'll see what I mean, ride out the pain, for it will be over soon, it will be nothing, just as it has always been.
-
ponder your actions, for there are those who care.
11/12/02
-
Farewell/Better Off Without
---
This is it, the end of it all. Sweet release, comfort me. The pain shall now be ceased, and the tears will be shed no longer. You've died within, buried deep in my soul. Everything given, and nothing gained. I shall not lose control ever again, a comforting thought in this epitome of overwhelming upheaval and sorrow. Nothing helps, and everything falls short. That's just the way it goes, and I run away no longer, nor cling idly aside. Good-bye, goodnight good luck, and the best of wishes. May you find that mystical thing in which you seek.
*sweet smile*
11/10/02
-
Coldplay - Shiver
11/10/02
-
Hey, I have a brand new concept...
It's: trying not to jump to conclusions and make comments based off of pure speculation derived from a vague little paragraph describing an emotion felt about god knows what. I mean, who knows... could be something that happened in real life... could be something that involved someone else, and was written through their point of view, or hell... it could even be a dream, oh but hey, speculation is allot easier then finding out. To any out there who do like to speculate and jump to conclusions, or are just curious as to what the hell is going on... or even to those who don't care at all. The previous entry was a dream I had about someone I know all too well, in future tense, at a later age, simply describing how I felt about the dream, and what we all know about how I felt, and could still feel. It's a shame that I have to be so blunt about things, and spell everything out, leaving not a word of vagueness, or intrigue to what I am thinking, as so people wont jump to conclusions, and say something derogatory on my behalf.
Perhaps I shouldn't ponder my dreams anymore, but then again, it's probably just the asshole in me to do so. =o/
If anyone would ever care to know any of the details of my dream, just ask.
11/01/02
I Know Not
---
Like something out of a story, you emerge out of nowhere. A night of immaculate bliss, and mental connection. I am so drawn, and at the same time, very scared. Are you real, or just another of fate's games? If the latter, I think it the most cruel of all. I've never clicked, or been so drawn to an individual before. Sure there have been little flings here and there, but there is something that surrounds you, an aura that cannot be explained. I shall try not to dwell too much on this, and just let everything develop according to fate's plan. We'll have to see what that plan is as what we have, if anything, develops.
Here's Hoping...
10/27/02
-
You can hurt me no longer, for I have already been crushed, and pulverized to the point where all is numb, where I am free from pain, free from all that which you could ever bestow upon me. Numb To your joy, numb to my pain, it's all the same to me. This is the end, and now I wait, for the process to resurface and start anew.
10/22/02
Nothing matters anymore, not in this world void of reality.
Death Becomes Them
---
To me now you are dead, for you've just killed yourself, inside my head.
Slit your wrists, watching the blood flow right before my eyes, realizing your deceitful lies, in disguise.
So much pain and wasted life, so much agony, fear, and strife.
Why couldn't you have just left me be?, free, from all this dreaded misery.
You are dead, gone away, my heart no longer holds a place for you to stay.
The tears pour out no more, for all is numb, weak, and sore.
I wish I could say that you, I will miss, but you simply insisted on doing things like this.
So a fine farewell to you indeed, live well, wallowing in your diluted world, and your greed.
10/18/02
-
The world, crumbling beneath your feet,
For now is but the beginning, of your defeat.
10/12/02
- -
Shrouded Pain
---
Knowing not how to deal with the pain, coming around for me again and again, driving me insane.
Bruised and battered heart, been this way since you decided to depart,
From my life, now filled with confusion and strife.
How do I handle this distant feud?, I'll just have to try and swallow the pain and disguise my mood.
Nothing but smiles to your face, look away and you'll see sadness, hopelessness and disgrace.
I have control over this situation, no more, It's out of my hands, for they grow sore,
Tender and blood soaked, from picking up the shards of my shattered heart, but this pain from all, is fully cloaked.
I lie here dying not of illness or disease, but from the emptiness and pain caused by me, and the dismissal of my pleas.
I know so many things that are too painful to see, I don't expect that you'll understand it, coming from me.
--Until the day it will fall, until the day you'll have no one at all.--
Alone broken and abused, but who will be there to pick up the pieces, after you've been so misused?
Look to the skies and utter out my name, the only thing you'll get in return is what you gave to me, the same.
Perhaps no time, perhaps a sign, that things are way out of line, and you should have paid attention to this vision of mine.
10/02/02
-
No longer held in my hands, I control not the destiny between. Time is scarce, and hopefully we are all aware of what may soon happen, to us all. I know not the future, I tend to not even think of it, but I'm good at predictions.
10/01/02
In the midst of drowning my sorrows... I still stop to think about you, and all that you are to me.
I wish nothing but the best, I really do.
Inebriated 9/28thish
*shrug*
---
Please help me to mend my wounds, for they never seem to heal,
My heart has gone awry, and the pain now felt is oh-so very real,
Drown out the insanity, calamity, vanity, profanity, coursing through my mind, chase it down and watch those problems dissipate right before my unaware, and unconscious eyes, the lies, disguised, and prophesied, gone now, faded away, and forgotten.
9/26/02
-
Mistaken Pain
---
Once again, I fall short of expectations... my own. I don't know what to say, nor think right now, and that has been my whole problem lately. I try so hard not to mess things up, and it's when I find that rare instance that I do, it catches me off guard. A fool, have I been, controlled by fear, and pain. I truly am mortal, I truly am weak.
9/21/02
-
At a loss for words, so in the mean time, just listen to these songs to explain my thoughts and feelings to the best of their abilities:
*** 3rd Strike - Redemption ***
* Cold - Gone Away *
*** NIN - The Fragile ***
*** NIN - Something I Can Never Have ***
* NIN - Thats What I Get *
* NIN - Please *
** Kidneythieves - Crazy **
** Taproot - I **
*** Taproot - Poem ***
*** Filter (x-ecutioners mix) - Where Do We Go From Here ***
** Linkin Park - In The End **
** Stabbing Westward - Sometimes It Hurts **
*** Stabbing Westward - So Far Away ***
* Static-X - Bled For Days *
* Static-X - Cold *
**** Incubus - I Miss You ****
* Ours - Drowning (reprise) *
** Hoobastank - Running Away **
* Paul Oakenfold - Hold My Hand *
* Tricky - She Makes Me Wanna Die (original & remix) *
** Coldplay - In My Place **
** Garbage - No.1 Crush **
*** Garbage - The Trick Is Keep Breathing ***
*** Garbage - Milk (original, trance mix, and wicked mix) ***
* Marilyn Manson - The Man That You Fear *
* Marilyn Manson - The Last Day On Earth *
* Marilyn Manson - The Speed Of Pain *
** Sugarcult - Pretty Girl (the way) **
**** Foo Fighters - How I Miss You ****
___________________________________________________
* - Pretty much befitting my current situation
** - So close to how I feel
*** - Word for word, the definition on how I feel.
**** - Enough Said
__________________________________________________
-
My book is closed at this chapter in my life... for you just shut the book.
9/19/02
In the twisting corridors of life, we can only hope we choose the right path.
9/18/02
Perhaps fate is laughing at us all.
Escape The Pain/Release Me/Singled Out And Subjected/All For Nothing
---
Numb to the pain, for it is all I have left. I fell short, wasn't good enough, to make the cut. I don't know what to do. I lost, and yet, in the end it seems as though we all did. These are the choices we make though. So blind to the fact that you cant see... you'll never understand how much you meant to me. If only she had opened her eyes, perhaps this would all be different, this would all be sane, this would all make sense. Unfortunately, things are not this way. Something keeps me here, by her side. It wont let me leave, for when I do, we progressed. Now, I stand at a loss as to what to do. I was singled out, and by making that choice, it showed me that I wasn't good enough, that he was everything she wanted, and I am... I'm not even sure. Distance kills... always does. I'm sorrowful for her, because I don't think she knows just what she's done. She could have had everything her heart desired... but instead, she chose the road of sorrow, disguised as temporary joy. It has happened before, why should he stop now? Who is there to see all that in which he does? His honesty is obviously lacking severely. It isn't my call, not my choice, this is how she wanted it. Reality is a bitch, and when it turns and bites into your flesh, awaking you from your dream, is a traumatic, and terrifying moment. I am real, I was here, but I wasn't the one she saw. I gave every chance in the world, but she rarely took advantage of any. Maybe this is all my fault, maybe I just have to come to the conclusion that whatever I do, will never be good enough. I have been sought after and craved as well, but it means nothing unless the craving is spawned from within her, for I want no other. From my first gaze, I knew then, I wanted her, I needed her, and now, rejection consumes my soul, and everything I've worked so hard for, seems to be all for nothing.
9/17/02
-
Meaningless
---
Awaken reality stings hard as it bites into my flesh. The future is never certain, but perhaps we have a good idea of what may come to pass. My feeble attempts are but all in vein, and as I cry out to her, the screams are muffled by a non-realization of all that I really am. I see the path ahead, and I dread it. I was actually starting to believe that I wasn't just an inademant object, a way to pass the time, and now, I still just don't know. I can't keep this up for long. choices must be made shortly, for my sanity depends on it. I don't think there is anything more that I can say or do, so fate... I leave this to you, I place this gently in your hands, you've done nothing before, but cause me pain, and now, I have no choice but to trust you. I have to confide in fate, my dreaded bringer of great pain and suffering, for I have no other choice. My feelings are nothing, my oaths and pledges are simply trivial, and sometimes, no matter what I do or say, no matter all that I have undergone to bring me to this point, I still just feel... meaningless.
9/16/02
-
14 vs. 120+ (possible days)
1000 vs. 1 (miles between)
9/15/02
Keepsake
---
J: "What are you thinking about?"
X: "About how much I hate this."
J: "You look so sad" *a tear streams down her face*
X: "You could say that"
J: "You know that I don't want to go"
X: "I know this, but that wont change a thing"
J: "I know. I wish I could be here for you, but my place is there"
X: "I know"
J: "God, I haven't even left yet, and I already miss you"
X: "The feeling is quite mutual"
J: "You and I know that this is just too hard to do, I know we swore we'd always be there for one another, but..."
X: "shhh"
J: "I'm sorry."
X: "For what?"
J: "Everything"
X: "Look, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here right now, so please don't apologize for anything."
J: "Ok"
X: "Well, this is it... this is good-bye."
J: "It is, isn't it?" *sob*
X: "Don't cry... I'm sure this is for the best"
J: "I know what you're doing, and it isn't working"
X: *hangs head and gives a acknowledging nod* "I figured"
J: "I know the we may never be together again, but I want you to have this" *hands him a keepsake* "I want you to keep this to remember all the joy you could ever bring to a girl, and once you think you've found the right girl for you, I want you to give this to her, just tell her that it means a lot to you. She may not know anything about it, or this, but so long as she has it, I hope she knows how you feel about her, and what it symbolizes"
X: "I can't do that"
J: "You can"
X: *sigh* "As you wish"
J: "*tearful smile* "Thank you, for everything"
X: "No... Thank you" *tearful gaze*
J: "I'll miss you."
X: "You will also be missed, but you should go now, or you'll be stuck here" *feeble attempt at a smile*
J: "You..." *sigh* "I'm sorry, I have to go."
X: "I know. Farewell" *hug*
J: *she shakes her head, runs up to him and wraps her arms around him* "Good-bye..."
...
9/13/02
-
Shunned
---
Confusion besets me. What am I to do now? Where am I to turn? I feel so abandoned. I feel so misused. I know not what to do, and I know not where to go. Many new doors have opened, but the only one I wish to walk through is locked from the inside. I knock at the door furiously, but to no avail. I should leave this door, and seek refuge elsewhere, for I know, that there is no place for me here. Try all as I may, this door shall always be sealed, and I, on the outside looking in.
9/12/02
-
A Loss For Words
---
Speechless, stunned, subjected, bewildered, I am currently consumed by these, and I know not why. Perhaps it is merely to the fact that reality is no longer an issue, and fiction weighs heavy upon our very minds. This is no book, we are not characters prancing around some simple stage.. This is real life, forget fiction, snap into reality, and wake the fuck up.
9/11/02
-
enjoy.
Willingness To Pursue, Nothing
---
My will is strong I say, strong enough to conquer any obstacle that dare come across my way. With my eyes on a sautry delight, I crave nothing more. I yearn for one, I am denied by one, I have many a temptation surrounding me constantly, and yet, I see none other than thee. I know I shall fall short, I shall be the one left aside, the one cast into the shadows, and forever forgotten. I would not mind suffering this fate, for it could be no worse, then not even attempting. I had to see, I had to know, and now, I have to hurt, and I have to suffer. At what expense? At the expense of a smile, and a joyful existence, sought elsewhere.
9/10/02
-
I am real, I am here. ... I am alone, I am refused.
Summer
---
I sit here captivated in awe, as to this summer. The good points, and the bad. I have had many summers before, but this one is by far, one hell of a summer. Many memories, and unforgettable moments. Lots of different thoughts, feelings, and emotions, Some of them still playing out, but spawned from throughout the summer. So many things will be missed, so many people whom I shall not get to see much at all. *sigh* Farewell sweet summer.
8/31/02
-
Urge/Longing
---
I don't know how long I can last. If I can't go 4 days, then how am I to go for weeks on end? I hope, for that is all I can do, that the time apart is minimal. I feel so... I miss you. I will strive my hardest to ease my feelings of yearning, as best I can. I'm sure that they would only get in the way anyhow. I shall just continue my offer of being here when needed, and hope that I am, more often then I am thinking now. In the end, it will all be ok. I hope.
8/30/02
-
Numb
---
A smile now covers any pain dwelling within, disconcern consumes my very being, and I find myself, numb. I swallow any hurt, inflicted indirectly upon me, cast my fears aside, and I am, numb. I yearn and dream, longing grandeurous thoughts of absolute and joyous... uncertainty, yet I am numb. I cast everything aside that would conflict, and cause anything short of comfort, much easier will it be, to handle all that surrounds me... for I am, numb.
8/25/02
-
"...Now Lies The Summer Of Our Discontent..."
---
Words yet unspoken, heart-felt indulgent attribution, mindless yet thoughtful ascertaining emotions, uncertain tomorrows, uneasy todays, and blissful yesterdays, uncompromising adorning joy planted gently within, waiting to bloom, scurrying against time, an undying yearning, unseen compassion, unconditional ... darkness.
8/24/02
-
Dreams/Content
---
No matter how hard I try to forget, she's always with me. In my thoughts constantly. When I try to block even that, my dreams will not. I know there is no winning for me. I know I shall never obtain that in which I seek. It's so hard with being content with an open wound, when it is constantly being dipped in salt. I do this all to myself, and yet I wonder why. I know it's futile, I know it's pointless, and I know I should just give up. No matter how hard I could ever try, I'll always be second. Unless an open mind emerges, this will not change. I do see the outcome of both sides, and yet, I shall hold my tongue, for no matter what I say, wouldn't change a thing either way. I do know exactly what will happen, but alas it matters not. Regardless, my self sacrifice shall now proceed, and perhaps things will be at peace, at last.
8/22/02
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Question
---
Just what is wrong with me anyways? Why can't others see me? Why don't others care? I know so much, I care too much, I'm so close to financial security, I know how to treat people, I don't lie (important lies), I'm successful wherever I go, I have a lot going for me, and have so much to offer. Why then don't I get noticed? With all that I have to attribute, why can I not find happiness? What is it about me that makes people avoid me? I can only decipher one other possibility... and that will shortly be remedied.
8/22/02
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Hunger
---
Consuming and overwhelming pain, drowned out and temporarily subsided. I cannot focus on the pain, I must not focus. I feel so weak, both emotionally and physically. I must carry on, strive forth and reach that in which I wish to obtain. Some may wonder why it is, that I do this... and I retort, to stop the pain. At least the focusing of such. Yes, the whole biting of the finger to end the pain of the stubbed toe. Which is the only analogy I could come up with at the moment. It makes sense to me, which is all I care about. I don't expect anyone to understand. Whatever drives me to this method, I may never know, but it doesn't seem to be getting much better, perhaps even worse. All the same to me however.
8/21/02
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Isolation
---
Given every opportunity in the world, I have. Is it really this futile? I know not anymore. I'm torn in two. One side clinging to sanity by a thread seeing the side of reason, the side of solitude. The other sees potential and unlikely joy, I envision a scale, an emotional scale. Every time I seem to advance, the other side also advances. I see no end to this. I must withdraw, but to do so ends any opportunity, no matter how bleak it seems. I wish not to give up, but I do wish to lead a life without undying pain. Either path I choose holds this pain though, just one a little more then the other. I know not what to do. Congratulations Fate, I never expected you to strike this low, but your job is now taking form, and I see the strategy unfolding before me. Perhaps I don't deserve joy, perhaps I should seek comfort in solitude. In any regards, I shall continue to waste away, to avoid the pain.
8/21/02
There is no sense to be made anymore.
Isn't It Obvious/Broken
---
Well, I think I know where I stand now, just as low as before, but with allot of boosted confidence in between. Shot down once more by jealousy's fateful sting, and by reality's bitter torment. The closer I get to you, the closer you seem to get, to us both. I may never understand, but it doesn't matter much anymore, regardless.....
Enjoy your "slumber", and your insatiable adorational flaunting.
8/21/02
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Prolonged Grandeur/The Gift
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The seconds go by, and I wish they were days. When I have you in my arms I feel as though nothing could bring me down, nothing can get in my way, and nothing could be more wonderful. Cherished time. I could stare into those eyes for all the time to come. Such beauty grasping me, and pulling me ever closer to you. I once more long for your embrace, and to hear your sweet voice yet again. Please return to me again, someday.
8/20/02
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Smiles
---
Devoted time, spent ever so graciously for you, keeping you company, making sure there is always a smile. I would rather do nothing more then to bring you joy. Fulfilling me with the same in return. I wish nothing more then your joy for all the days to come, at the sacrifice of my own, if need be, and I fear this to be so, but it matters not, should you be happy.
8/18/02
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Disillusion
---
Another night goes by, trying not to pay attention to words of proof being made, and when it was said to happen. Disappointment and dismay would now normally set in, but they are drowned out by my skepticism, and non belief. I know that I shall never obtain all that in which I want, but can never have, and each day is a living example. Confusion consumes me, for I know not what to think of all this. I thought for certain that the confusion was dead, that the dream world was at an end, and that reality was setting in at last, but now, there is no certainty. I now sit and wait for fate's plan to unfold, and expect nothing more then it to be more writhing pain, and sheering torment, but who really knows.
8/16/02
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Grief
---
Holding back all that I wish to say, skepticism consumes me at this point. I really expect nothing to happen, just as it has before. I don't really know how to go about handling this. I don't want you to feel obligated to anything, but do things on your own accord, but at the same time, how do I initiate anything? I know not. Words are but just that... words. To prove me wrong, actions will need to take place, but as I before, once mentioned, I'm not sure what to expect. Only time shall tell. I hope serious words were spoken, not just for me either. Withheld from pain, moving to pleasure. I don't know anymore, I'm baffled. I wouldn't be upset or surprised if things were said out of obligation, misrepresentation, or confusion once more, for it is what I'm expecting, regardless.
8/15/02
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Grandeur Once More
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Heavenly eyes gazing at me from across the way, your every word echoing through my mind once more. I hope, I pray, that you meant all that in which you said, and that it wasn't more confusion, or abstract feelings. *sigh* I'm so skeptical now though, however. From the past, it's hard to believe that something so wonderful could even be fathomable. Regardless, I mildly raise my hope once more, but I expect nothing to come of this, just as everything else has been. I wish for things to be wonderful, but I cannot wish alone. I leave this in fates hands, because she most likely has this already planned out anyways. *sigh*
8/14/02
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Wasting Away
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Hunger consumes me, the pain distracts me, the noxiousness is overpowering. I can't help but wonder what my threshold is, and how long I will last like this. I ignore the pain, for easing it will set back my goal. It's been days, and yet, I crave nothing. I wish to wither away to practically nothing, and go from there. No longer shall I be the bulbous freak that I am, I will be part of the adorned. I will be where I wish to be, the tables will turn. I will be the giver, and the taker of hearts, beckoning forth all that I wish, and casting aside all that in which I do not yearn. I will no longer be the one picking through the scraps, and wishing for what I desire. It will be my turn to control fate, soon enough, should I not succumb to death on my way, for we shall see.
I do not fear death, for her embrace is nothing more then a sweet release, from life, from love, from pain, from this...
8/12/02
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Blistering Existence
---
The self-righteous infliction upon my scabbed heart, peeling back the flesh to smite it with bitterness. Corroding heart, burned and boiled time and time again. Sinister smiles lurking deep within the shadows, ready to pounce, ready to tear my very existence to shreds. Fuck you, fate. You cold, heartless bitch. Serve me a plate of your finest, only to die from the poison teeming within. Rotting heart, encased in dust, and cast aside by all who encounter it. Kind heart, hurt, abused, and dwindled down to nothingness.
8/11/02
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Distortion
---
Diluted reality, stretched from ear to ear, hiding from all the things that you shall soon fear.
Been before, have I, in your shoes, it will be a while before you grasp a clue..
To soon see, you shall, disappointment and wasted life you will notice, they will fall.
Two different paths, you had to take, I know all about the one you chose, but remain silent, for my sake.
I know where you're headed, I know where it will lead, but when all is said and done, I wont be around, should me, you need.
Ignorance consumes your innocent mind, as life will soon show you everything that you've now just left behind.
Regret and torment will play at your every thought, but you can't grasp this notion, until the day comes, believe it or not.
I know all this from my own wasted life, and I tried to save you from this same turmoil, and strife.
You'll someday see, I know this, because it too, happened to me.
When you do, you'll know then what everyone was saying, when the whole time, you thought they were betraying.
Trying to help you all of us were, but I see you are beyond help, and I do concur.
It's now over and done, you made your choice, now have fun.
8/10/02
-
---
Get over yourselves, and think about others for a change. Maybe not me, but someone else besides all your own little mundane melodramatic bullshit.
-
Blistering Existence
---
The self-righteous infliction upon my scabbed heart, peeling back the flesh to smite it with bitterness. Corroding heart, burned and boiled time and time again. Sinister smiles lurking deep within the shadows, ready to pounce, ready to tear my very existence to shreds. Fuck you, fate. You cold, heartless bitch. Serve me a plate of your finest, only to die from the poison teeming within. Rotting heart, encased in dust, and cast aside by all who encounter it. Kind heart, hurt, abused, and dwindled down to nothingness.
8/11/02
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Distortion
---
Diluted reality, stretched from ear to ear, hiding from all the things that you shall soon fear.
Been before, have I, in your shoes, it will be a while before you grasp a clue..
To soon see, you shall, disappointment and wasted life you will notice, they will fall.
Two different paths, you had to take, I know all about the one you chose, but remain silent, for my sake.
I know where you're headed, I know where it will lead, but when all is said and done, I wont be around, should me, you need.
Ignorance consumes your innocent mind, as life will soon show you everything that you've now just left behind.
Regret and torment will play at your every thought, but you can't grasp this notion, until the day comes, believe it or not.
I know all this from my own wasted life, and I tried to save you from this same turmoil, and strife.
You'll someday see, I know this, because it too, happened to me.
When you do, you'll know then what everyone was saying, when the whole time, you thought they were betraying.
Trying to help you all of us were, but I see you are beyond help, and I do concur.
It's now over and done, you made your choice, now have fun.
8/10/02
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Freedom
---
Letting loose the ties from my heart. I can't stop thinking about what will be, but on the same notion, I don't care much anymore. You've driven me back, and pushed me away. I sit in limbo now, pondering what will be, and more important, what I shall do now to forget. To not waste any more of my life, to move on and deal with reality for a change, to get my head out of the clouds, and live life while I can, and not gallivant around in dreams, and fiction. You've obviously chosen your fate, and now, I choose mine. It doesn't seem so confusing, to live in a dream world. Like you cared much anyways. *shrug* Farewell.
8/9/02
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Undying Torment
---
You have no idea the power you hold over me, and it's scary. Scary to think that I could give you everything, and you don't really give a shit. Some may deem it humorous, some, pathetic, but to me, it's frightening. I need a release from you. You know not how much I am tormented. I cant go on like this. It hurts too much to fall for someone so deep, and feel little in return. I make things too difficult for myself, and perhaps you as well. Worry not, for soon I shall be done with this for good. Unless drastic changes are taken, I shall disappear slowly into the shadows once more, from whence I came. Frankly, i'm not really counting on change. Just another loss for us both I guess.
8/07/02
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Someday
---
I'll find you, and you'll find me, wrapped together through all eternity.
Embracing from the nights beginning to it's end, Your heart, I always will defend.
Keeping that smile on your beautiful face, for doing anything less, would be a disgrace.
Making you feel warm inside, knowing that, in me, you can always confide.
I'll be there for you until the end of time, feeling so surreal and sublime.
Not a care in the world for us both, too busy paying attention to our personal growth.
I know I can keep you happy, and at ease, for there isn't much I wouldn't do, for you, to please.
I'll find you someday, and until then, I'll just keep thinking of the beautiful splendor lasting for forever and a day.
I know I'll make someone happy, someday.
8/06/02
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This Is Insane
---
I can't believe i'm doing this, I don't know why I feel the way that I do. I'm scared. I care too much, and you, not enough, but that's the way I think it's just going to be. I don't know anymore. Life has turned out so uncertain in such a small amount of time. I can't stop thinking, and it's tormenting me. I need a clear mind, I can't raise my hopes. I know the outcome of this all, and yet, so much of me wants to attempt to change it all. This is the confusion I put myself through, wanting that in which I can *never* have.
8/05/02
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Enduring Patience
---
I find myself in an ever lasting test of patience. I hold a possible two outcomes to this situation. On one hand, I stay close and attempt to endure your happiness, and the other, I fail the test, and realize the amount of time I was willing to spend on this. I know not what to do, but I think time may soon tell. In any regard, I deem you highly worth it. I just wish to be a little closer sometimes, but if that were the case, there would be no test.
8/04/02
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Yearning
---
Longing to be by your side once more, your words echoing through and through my mind. An unrelenting feeling of desire, a desire to once again be with you. I wish I knew what the future did hold, but all I can do now is watch, wait, and hope. I worry not of what may happen, or what is to be, for I do know that wherever you are, shortly behind you, I shall be. I will forever be here for you.
8/03/02
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Sprung Back Into The Heavens
---
Awake I lied all night, with nothing but you, filling my vision, my mind, and my soul. You're an addiction. One in which that you may never understand. A strange force compels me to you. Something I can't explain, something I may never understand. I do know that in which I want. I have lived enough to know what fuels my passion, what drives my soul, and what ignites the fire burning within me... and I know that you hold this trait.
8/02/01
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Fuck This Rollercoaster-Emotional Bullshit I lead
---
I grow weary of yearning for that which I can never have. It amazes me on how much of a fucking masochist I am when it comes to emotional pain and letdown. It's almost like I seek it out. I'm sick of it, sick of it all. Fuck the games, fuck the pain, fuck the wasted life, fuck it all. HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY IN-FUCKING-DEED.
*drunk*
8/01/02
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An Eve of Lust
---
Infactuation surrounds me, surreal was the night in which you helped make. A calm sense of wellbeing consumes me, as I lie here in peace. Yet, I look twice, and you are not here. Please come back to me, come again, to make another night filled with grandeur, pleasure, and comfort. I yearn to be by your side once more, to gaze deep into you're pale eyes yet again, and to embrace until the light of dawn. Come back, my dark angel.
7/30/02
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Fictitious Flattering Infactuational Situations
---
Oh how quickly human emotion changes, and some, it seems to change faster than others by a significant amount. It seems like just yesterday certain feelings were unearthed, and how quickly they discipate and are buried just as fast. I give up on any hope for a future that I would deem satisfactory, or dare I say it.. enjoyable? Regardless, I do hope you enjoy life, atleast one of us can, and that is good enough for me.
7/27/02
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Unrelenting Boredom
---
Here I sit once more, solitude and discomfort, my companions. Dismissed again, and yearning for an escape. I do fear this night indeed. For now I sit dwelling on many thought, of you, of me, of many. I know now, that I wish I didn't have any knowledge of that in which I do, for it would make things a lot easier, but I can do nothing about this. I am stuck with this, and now must question everything. Although it really matters not, in your eyes. So now I shall crawl back to my little corner, and wait until the next time you should need me.
7/26/02
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Unspoken Request
---
Help me not, for I need no help. Please don't dabble in my affairs, in an attempt to safeguard your happy little existence, for what temporary time that may be. I am fully capable of placing myself into the situations I would like to be in, not to have you complicate things by tossing matters into my life that I don't really care to get into, and must spend more time and energy to avoid. Should your heart be in the right place, then forgive my slander, but should it not, you will know it soon enough.
7/25/02
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Rapture
---
A blissfull eve now over, a calm serenity passes over me. A night with untold fire burning deep within me, rekindled by the past repeating itself. Oh how I wish these times would never end, but alas, they must, and tomorrow, this will all be but a memory. Locked deep within me, and buried in you. All for not, I thank you, and hope one day we shall reunite once more.
*sigh*
7/24/02
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Mission Accomplished
---
*unpublished*
7/18/02
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Friends.... Forever
---
I know where I stand, and where I will stand. In this dark corner, alone, in solitude, and desolation. I should know better then to follow fate once more, but I couldn't help myself this time. My yearning is strong, and as much as I don't want to forfeit any chance, I must... for I had none to begin with. The opposition is too great. All I can do now, is sit, and wait. The last thing I want, is to add to the confusion, but in all honesty, everything seems to be already mapped out in your mind. It is played out in your thoughts, and more important, your actions. Perhaps, without certain opposition, I might have had a chance at one point in time, but regretfully, there is nothing I can do about this. So now, I sit, and watch the plan unfold slowly, and painfully before my eyes.
7/17/02
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Fate... I despise you
---
Looking from afar,
I know exactly where you are,
Right behind me, you lurk,
Just out of sight, with an ever grinning smirk,
Waiting for that moment to strike,
Just when you've found me one that I like,
You set me up, in your spiteful way,
Ripping them from me, and smiling at this day after day,
Every one, better than the one before,
This one being the best, and with this one, you know I do adore,
I predict your plans Fate,
Another broken heart, driven into the arms of another, leaving me with more to contemplate,
I should be used to this by now,
But I still let everything get to me somehow,
I care too much, and you not enough,
I just want to know why you must make my life so damn rough.
7/16/02
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Something I can never have
---
It must be true that we as people crave that in which we cannot obtain. We must be a society drawn to misery. I cannot explain this any other way, than this. I frown upon the depictions of abnormal situations where those who society deems "not normal" end up in miraculous situations, more gratuitous than their dreams could fathom. It leads to false hope, a great wretched feeling, one where a person is at the bottom of his rope, waiting for his "situation" to occur. It just doesn't happen, not like this.
7/15/02
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Without a... doubt?
---
Here I sit, the answer lies in my hand, the escape follows suit. Drown out my trivial feelings, my meaningless pursuit to bring joy to those who want it. Forget my joy, for there are no takers. All you contain is self-love, self-joy, and self-satisfaction. When dealing with someone so selfish, I tend to blatantly retort to "go fuck your 'self' ", and try to think of others from time to time. None the less, I hold my tongue, and remain here, motionless, and speechless, I am but an ear, to listen, to help, and to be placed back upon my shelf, until the next problem should occur. By all means, use me at your disposal, and forget me when all is well. For I shall be here, waiting.
7/13/02
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Fuck Reasoning
---
Backed into a corner with only one way out...
Filled with serious thoughts of abandonment, and doubt...
Concepts unable to be grasped...
A constant inability to comprehend, perhaps...
I know not, I care not anymore...
I see my chance now, and exit this door...
7/12/02
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New Found Confusion
---
You know the saying, "if you love something then let it go, should it return, only then, was it meant to be" I know now, the full meaning of those words. My adoration, my respect, and my self control are put to the hardest test yet undergone in my lifetime. I know not how to take this, and it is this, that has lead to my... New Found Confusion. Worry not, for I am willing to undergo grueling pain, and madness-causing suffering, to prove myself a worthy person, and show exactly my sacrifice.
7/11/02
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Surrender
---
I give up this game, I care not anymore, do what you will, I'm just going to merely sit by and laugh. *shrug* It's all I have left to do. I wave my white flag before you. No longer will I be a toy, a thing in which you play with, and keep in reserve. You had the chance, you chose the hard road, and now there is nothing more I can do for you. Enjoy your sweet release, for I shall mine.
7/10/02
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Mindless Utterings of a Pathetic Existence
---
The darkness sets in, The pain shall now begin.
I hate feeling this way, Feeling alone in dismay.
My heart once again felt briefly the comfort of affection, Now cast aside, and is but a mere reflection.
One more memory, soon to forget, A memory, I may soon regret.
I hate being mislead, I would be much better off dead.
Less hurt, Less pain, Less of a possibility to have to go through this stupid "game" once again.
7/08/02
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Confusion Galore
---
What does one do when faced with multiple options? Who can you trust? Especially with your heart. A bruised and battered soul, I am. Felt many a pain, have I. Just to let you have your turn with it? Perhaps I should just lock it away, and keep it safe. Alone, and in complete solitude from the outside world, never to love again... or feel pain. This is the source of my confusion.
7/07/02
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Drunken Delight
---
Amazing how it is that you can say what you feel when you're semi-conscious, and not worry about it. Even though it may perhaps be in vein. *Sigh* Confusing creatures, confusing actions, confusing situations. Why must everything be so confusing? Last night was good, and of course, all good things must come to an end. I offer every opportunity in the world, and nothing. I know not what to do anymore. I ponder just laying low, and just let fate find me, yet again, for I know that if I try to make myself happy, I shall be smitten down. So now I must compromise, and work on fate's terms.
7/06/02
--
Blind Love at a stand-still
---
Oh fate, you have struck deep tonight... deeper then I could have ever imagined. You have certainly outdone yourself. I suppose this is what I deserve, yet again? Why do you taunt me? Shall I fall victim for your hellish plan? I know not. She is the epitome of all that which I yearn. Knowing full well your sadistic ways, you will most likely tear her away ever so abrupt once things bloom. I must say, I am at a stand-still. Is it worth the risk to follow you this time? Or will you once again betray me? So full of questions, am I. So full of evil, have you been. I must stand aside, fate. If it will be, I must not seek it out. The pain spawned will be greatly dreaded, but most likely it is for the best. The more I speak, the less of a chance you will give me. So silence I now observe, for I dare not spoil this one. Love truly is blind, I just hope one day it shall stumble upon me.
6/28/02
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Blind/Invisible
---
I speak to you from day to day, listening to all you have to say.
I wonder if you know how I feel, I envision us together, but I should keep things real.
For you to see me like that is absurd, and that's the way I see it, word for word.
Reading this, you wont even know it's you, so I'll expect no change, and that will have to do.
Compatibility is one thing we greatly share, but for all I know, you don't even care.
So I sit silently aside, awaiting the day you see me, I now abide.
6/27/02
-
-
Pain Everlasting
---
Eating away at my very being, you torment me night and day. Making sure you stay just out of arms reach, but in full site. I am on the verge of ending this monotonous display of humiliation, and false hope. Or perhaps I should sit idly by, and let you consume all that I am, until I am no more.
6/26/02
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Obituary
---
Death stares at me once again from afar, I sneer at her, and sally forth. She knows that she has what I yearn, and yet... she just sits and stares, her icy gaze, never once looking away, always on me. I have called out for her, she sits in silence, ever staring, ever quiet. In all that I do, she is there.
6/25/02
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High Octane
---
The pedal and floor collide in an uproar of vigorous frenzy, momentum lunging you back, deep. The rush and exhilaration course through your veins. You hear the growl, and smirk at it's source. The wind surrounds you, and screams its warning. The calm succumbs the situation, and things retain to what they were. You have once more cheated death, and yet, you don't care either way.
6/22/02
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Taming the Beast
---
A mindless flight through echoing cavernous walls, coming to rest. perched high atop my mind. I observe silently, watching, waiting. I see now where my emptiness flows. I see a possible flaw in destiny's spiteful plan. For how am I to be crushed, if I simply just care not. I must now tame my mind, to merely not care. About situational circumstances, of course. My heart still flows, my mind still grows, but I now just let what will be, be. I cannot change you, I cannot change me, and if we are to be together, then so it shall be.
6/21/02
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Subjected
---
I sit apart from you, in every way. Alone and confused, wondering the next step. I feel you close to me, and I know you do the same. Why then do you insist on shoving me away? You may not do it in thought, but you do it in action. Your words strike deep, and pierce well my every being. I beg of you to not take this for granted. I offer you the world, and with that offering, I slip slowly by, and watch you dissipate, and drift away, as they always do. I long for the day that she emerges from the shadows and delivers me from this fretted existence. I know that I am my own savior, alas, I can only do so much.
6/20/02
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Waiting for Eternity/Limbo
---
When shall my turn come? Shall I be forced to sit in solitude? If so, how long? Do I deserve this? Did I do something so terribly wrong? I can't stand limbo anymore, why then must I be set there time and time again? Waiting, Wondering, Hoping, Yearning. You just don't understand... You don't grasp it. I wave my arms in front of your sightless eyes, and try to make you see, but all I get is limbo. So in solace, I once more sit, waiting for the next, to move me aside, to place me once more, in limbo.
6/19/02
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Mindless Self Indulgence
---
Darkness in void, total paranoid, screams deep within my mind, screams from the past, left behind.
wanting, waiting, yearning, burning, as a flame, deep within my soul, you stole, my heart, did start, from the day I first laid my eyes upon thee, now glee, experienced within me
6/17/02