Canadian Jokes


  • A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

    "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

    "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

  • Why does a Canadian cross the road? Answer- To get to the middle.
  • What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot? Answer- "sorry"
  • An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?". "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
  • Here's a joke about how Canada got its name:
    When J. MacDonald and Friends were trying to figure out the name of this greatplace, someone had a great idea.

    Let's stick all the letters into a hat and draw 3 of them - That will be the new name of this place.. So they did so..

    1st letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "C" eh!?
    2nd letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "N" eh!?
    3d letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "D" eh!?

  • Trick question:
    If America and Canada got into a war, where would all the draft dodgers go?
  • What do you call a Canadian fireman? A Hoser
  • What's another name for a Canadian Mountee? Canadian Bacon.
  • Why does hockey only have three periods? Canadians can't count to four.
  • Maybe you'd like to know our top military secret.
    But I'm not going to tell you where we hid the keys to the boat.
  • Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
  • Why does Lucien Bouchard like the idea of Rita McNeil haveing a tattoo of Canada on her ass?

    Everytime she sits down Quebec seperates.

  • Did you hear about the Newfoundlander who died drinking milk? The cow fell on him.
  • I bet you don't know the differance between a Canadian and a canoe , Hmmm, give up??

    Ok ok....A canoe tips.....(a joke for people in Florida)

  • A Jewish person, an Americain and a Canadian were riding in a car together and were involved in a very bad accident.

    The ambulance took them all to hospital together but they were just barely alive....as a matter of fact all three expired in the same operating room while doctors were working on them.

    Suddenly the three of them appeared in the clouds at St. Peters Gate and as they appraoched, St. Peter gestured to the Americain and said, "If you give me fifty dollars I'll send you back....you are too young to be up here so soon."

    The Americain whipped out fifty bucks and....poof! He jumped off the operating table in perfect condition! Not a scratch on him. The doctors were amazed and asked him how come?

    He said that all he knew is that the three of them were "up there" with St. Peter and when St. Peter asked him for fifty bucks to send him back....he paid it and....poof! Here he was!

    The doctors couldn't help but be amazed and asked him, "You say those other two were up there with you?" (They were on the next two operating tables in the room) The Americain said "Yes they were."

    The doctors then asked him, "Well what about them? Are they coming back too? What were they doing when you left?"

    The Americain said, "Well, all I can say is when I looked ack at them just before I left the Jew was arguing about the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"

  • Q. Why did the Newfie wanted Quebec to separate?

    A. He wanted to be closer to Ontario.

  • When a Canadian thinks of Hell..he wonders what the heating bill must be.
  • At parties, a Canadian asks you upstairs so he can examine your caulking and get the name of your weatherstripping man.
  • A Canadian woman burns her bra only if she's out of wood.
  • A Canadian considers it one of the great thrills of life when snow doesn't stick to his shovel.
  • A Canadian woman doesn't worry if her shoes fit her feet as long as they fit in the plastic bag she carries them in from October to April.
  • In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
  • Uncle Ted....A Proud Canadian
  • Why did the canadian cross the road?..............................................
    To get in the middle!
  • And our ever favorite, when you cross the border on your way south you can see a add saying: "welcome to the U.S.of A: we've got Bob Hope Johnny Cash and Stevie Wonder" On your way back (going into Canada) the sign reads: "Welcome to Canada; here we have no Hope, no Cash...no Wonder!
  • 6 years ago Prime minister Brian Mulroney called George Bush and he asked him: "Why the hell did you take Dan Quayle as vice-president?" George says: "He passed the intelligence test" What was that test? "I asked him: If your mother has a baby and it's not your brother and not your sister, who is it?"And Dan answered:" It's me" So I hired him.

    Good idea says Brian I'll try that on my finance minister: So he asks Joe Clark the same question. Joe says : "well can I give you an anser in a day or two?" "No prob"

    Joe is completely in the dark so he asks Jean Charest the same question. Jean aswers :"It'sd me of coure".

    Happy Joe goes back to Brian and says: "I've got the answer to your question: if my mother has a baby who is neither my brother or my sister, it's Jean Charest". Shaking his head Brian says: "Your such a dork; it's Dan Quayle you idiot"

  • Q: How do you empty a swimming pool of Canadians?
    A: "Excuse me, could everyone please get out of the pool?"
  • One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flys landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the head of the beer.

    The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

    The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

    The Canadian too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

  • These next few jokes are from
    "Ken Laninga
    Visit me in Cyberspace"

  • A fellow recently told me that during 1988 it was so dry in Saskatchewan, that he saw a gopher digging a hole - 15 meters up in the air!
  • The first question an Albertan asked the tour guide, when they approached the Eiffel Tower, was "How many barrels a day does it produce?"
  • Met a guy the other day and asked him if he had lived in Canada all his life. "Not yet." was the answer.
  • Some bankers sure are dumb. I took some Canada Savings Bonds in, and they asked me, "Do you want them redeemed or converted?" A bit put out at their ignorance, I replied "What are you, a bank or a church?"
  • The College was asked by Statistics Canada to provide some employment information, including, "How many people do you employ, broken down by sex?" The person filling in the form entered this comment: "Not many; most of our staff is broken down by booze."
  • In the summer of 1988 there was a fierce sandstorm in Saskatchewan. A farmer found a hat laying in his field. He picked it up and found the head of his neighbour, very much alive. "Wow, exclaimed the farmer", I'll get a shovel and dig you out!" "You better bring a backhoe," was the response, "I'm sitting on a horse!"
  • Guy I know was staying in a fancy hotel in Calgary, and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "because you peed in the pool." Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that." "True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
  • A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" he was asked. "Toilet pepper!"
  • Once, when I was staying in a hotel in Vancouver, I had to call the front desk and tell them I had a leak in the bathtub. "That's O.K. by me," came the clerk's reply, "just don't tell anybody!"
  • Sure have to be careful with this new Modern Hi-Tech (nology). Hear about the guy in Winnipeg whose necktie got caught in the fax machine? Suddenly he found himself in Vancouver!
  • A family moved from Newfoundland to Alberta. Johnnie started school at the new location. Grade 3. One day the teacher asked individual students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son". Next day, in "language", the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland". Next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well - endowed". This confused him. He told his Dad, that night, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?" "No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"

    Last few jokes by:
    Ken Laninga
    Visit me in Cyberspace