These pages are for people who have submitted funny stories or sayings and the like...I hope you find them to be so.

26 ways you know you have a COMPulsion (or) You know you're an E-mail/Chatline/Net Junkie if:

1.You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2.You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
3.You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.
4.You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5.You spend a rough plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
6.You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
7.You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
8.You start using smileys in your snail mail.
9.Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. ...And you succeed.
10.You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
11.You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12.You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
13.All of your friends have an @ in their names.
14.Your cat has its own home page.
15.You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
16.You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
17.Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18.You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, since they have neutral handles and you never bothered to ask.
19.You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
20.When taking a taxi, you tell the cab driver you live at "http://www.edison.garden.1000/house/brick.html."
21.You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
22.When conversing via phone or in person you say things like, "lol, that is hysterical", "hugs, how are you today?", and "smiles, fine, thank you".
23.You find real time conversations difficult to follow, because you don't have a scroll-back feature.
24.When planning your vacation, instead of asking about cable hook-up, you ask whether their phones have a data port.
25.You hear the phrase "need for speed" on a car commercial. It makes you decide to sell your car, and buy a faster modem, a faster hard drive, and a T1 connection to your home. You weren't using the car much anyway.
26. You do all your research on the web now. Asking people their opinion in a chat line does count as research, doesn't it??

-- Submitted by Sabine Saunders

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!" "Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible." "Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said, huskily.... The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean...you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL HERE!!??!!"

-- Submitted by Melisa

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