Incest Crisis & Support

(last updated 7/18/98)

Here's a synopsis of incest issues based on conversations with some very wonderful, but deeply hurting men and women, incest survivors.

Q: "It must have been my fault, because I didn't stop it, right?"
A: Wrong. While physical changes are often used to distinguish between an adult and a child, keep in mind that children do not have the EMOTIONAL maturity to make decisions regarding sexual activity. Especially when the perpetrator is well known as in the case of a family member, or even a parent, on whom one is totally dependent for the support of living. The familiar saying is: "don't bite the hand that feeds you". And it certainly holds true in this case. The fault lies in the actions of the adult who failed to protect the child or who failed to protect the child from the actions of another child or sibling.
Q: "Am I bad, because, well...I think I enjoyed it a little."
A: No. Anthropologists such as Desmond Morris freely discuss and accept that the human body can and does have a "mind of its own". It is a natural part of human sexuality that the body reacts, sometimes in very pleasureable ways, to certain types of physical stimulation. Your body could still enjoy it, even if your mind felt uncomfortable about the situation. In some cases, children are often even "proud" of their sexual performances because it earns them attention, warmth, and makes them feel connected to their adult. They confuse love with the physical acts that their abuser TELLS them are "special" or "our secret". Sometimes, especially for emotionally neglected children, the price of their bodies is inconsequential compared to the other "benefits" the get from it.
Q: "I'm gay..is it because of the incest?"
A: I myself have not seen much literature addressing that issue, but here's my personal thoughts on the subject: maybe. And that maybe takes two forms.
First, if your abuser was of the opposite sex, that may have made a lasting impression of fear and derision towards all members of that gender. But the human species is, for the most part, a pair-bonding animal. It's natural for us to want an emotional partner and physical interaction with that partner. If you eleminate one gender, the opposite gender, then there's only one other gender to choose from, right?
On the other hand, if your abuser shared your gender, you were exposed, in the course of the incest, to another side of human sexuality (homosexuality) that maybe you would never have wanted to try of your own choice. Maybe you didn't want to open that door, but either way, you were exposed to it and going hand in hand with the enjoyment of any of the sexual aspects as discussed above, one can see how it's possible that the incest may have influenced your preference for same-sex partners.
In either case, experts differ widely as to what "leads to" homosexuality. Some argue that it's "genetic", or because of environmental factors, especially in childhood. And some still hold that homosexuality is simply a choice that is made for reasons that are as individual as the number of people who make that choice.
(The above answers are my opinion only, and may not be supported by experts in the fields of human psychology or sexuality.)

RAINN - The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
252 Tenth Street
NE Washington, DC 20002
202/544-1034
202/544-1401 (fax)
E-mail: [email protected]
Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE
A non-profit organization in Washington, DC. In cooperation with more than 600 rape crisis centers around the country, RAINN operates a free, 24-hour hotline for survivors of sexual assault.
When a call comes into 1-800-656-HOPE, the computer for our phone carrier (MCI) looks at the area code and exchange (first three numbers) of the caller. It takes this information, goes into the database of participating centers, and automatically routes the call to the closest center.
All service is strictly confidential.

INCEST SURVIVORS RESOURCE NETWORK INTERNATIONAL
P.O. Box 7375
Las Cruces, NM 88006-7375
(505) 521-4260
Fax: (505) 521-3723
http://www.zianet.com/ISRNI
E-mail: [email protected]

ONCE CAN HURT A LIFETIME
Marilyn Van Derbur, incest survivor and former Miss America, hosts a sensitive video, titled Once Can Hurt a Lifetime, in which children and adults tell their stories of being sexually abused ONCE by an older child or teenager -- and how that has affected their lives.
In the video, a former child molester (who was sexually abused at age 4) tells how he molested children from the time he was 5 years old until he was 37 years old -- when he remembered being abused -- at which point he turned himself in to police.
Lifetime effects related by survivors include:
lack of trust
lack of self-esteem, feeling worthless
pain
fear
sadness
depression
self blame
shame
promiscuity
abusing other children
isolation
eating disorders
alcoholism
drug addiction
blocking out the memory of being abused
"Once Can Hurt a Lifetime" is very validating for survivors -- and enlightening for all -- even though it is aimed at children and teenagers, especially those who have been abused. Marilyn Van Derbur urges them, "Don't pass it on" and advises them to get help for their own pain.
Marilyn Van Derbur devotes herself to educating about the long term effects of childhood sexual abuse and to helping adults in their healing process.
This 1994 video is occasionally shown on PBS. It is available from One Voice, which is a project of the National Center for Redress of Incest and Sexual Abuse, 1858 Park Road N.W., Washington, DC 20010, (202) 667-1160.