Violence also includes "depriving a child of basic needs" like blocking them from getting :
Making a child feel ashamed or humiliated or threatening to injure them in connection with the access to basic needs is a type of violent deprivation. Children react to this type of treatment by practicing self-deprivation as a way to avoid the shaming, humiliation,terrorization, and/ or injury.
Violence also includes being forced to witness or observe trauma, ritual, pornography, punishment, death, destruction, dismemberment, or pain. Even if not forced into watching or participating in these things, knowing that the child has experienced any of them without providing a support system for the child to grieve or psychologically process the event is violent in nature. This includes the destruction or disposition of pets, farm animals, personal property, toys, clothing, bicycles, etc.
Neglect and abandonment is present in any relationship where one or more of the individuals in the relationship is abusive. Abandonment is physically or emotionally "leaving" the child. Neglect refers to the lack of either emotional or physical maintenance that a child requires in order to grow and develop.
The absence of food, clothing, shelter, and medical care are examples of physical neglect or abandonment. The absence of nurturing, compassion, hugging, holding, listening, and other kinds of emotional support, are examples of emotional neglect or abandonment.
Emotional neglect is hard to spot. It might look like the child is clean, well dressed, well fed and otherwise looked after. The childs caretaker(s) may appear to be home all the time and apparently taking care of the child's needs. But emotional neglect or abandonment can't be seen without spending time observing the relationship.
This neglect also happens when a child is continuously lectured to, meaning talking to the child without asking them for their opinion or listening to them in return. It's a one sided conversation where the child is used by the adult as an object to vent at, to expel internal feelings or thoughts. The child's identity or emotional self isn't acknowledged or validated in a conversation that uses lecture form.
Excessively talking, interrupting, and competing for conversation are also a types of emotional neglect or abandonment. A child never really gets heard in these kinds of interaction because the talker is thinking about what to say next instead of listening. They are preoccupied with themselves and controlling the conversation instead of listening to what's being said by the child.
Silence is another way to emotionally neglect or abandon a child. In MY opinion, this one is the worst. By not sharing anything intimate or vulnerable with the child, or not sharing information that the child needs to grow and develop, the child is emotionally and intellectually alone without a means to get the information they need to grow and develop. Silence is another way of controlling. Information is power and when an abuser holds onto information, the child is left feeling vulnerable. The child will never know a sense of comfort by knowing that the caretaker has also felt vulnerable at times or has felt vulnerable as a child. I think this makes it hard for a child to allow themselves a vulnerability. Even as an abuser, this person is an adult who the child may feel they should grow up to be like. If it's bad for an adult to be vulnerable, it must be bad for a child to be vulnerable too, right?
These children learn how to become easy to use by becoming invisible; they become compliant and without needs, and they fear the consequences and the unknown state of being apparent, real, noticeable, with boundaries, and having needs.
In addition to physical signs of injury, emotional signs of injury can also sometimes be detected. If a child can't express their feelings at home or around an abuser, frustration sets in and can manifest itself in a variety of ways:
Source: YWCA Spouse Abuse Outreach Services of Southern Indian Volunteers Training Manual, 1985
"The worst is going to happen if . . . . ."
This type of destructive control behavior is used by the abuser in order to shame, scare, or terrorize the child into compliance. The abuser will predict some catastrophe and then use it to control the child. The abuser might say something like, "If you do this, then ________ will happen. And it will really be terrible; something really bad will happen to you."
The idea is to instill shame, terror, or fear in order to force (control) the child into not making the same mistake twice. Doomsaying is also a form of coercion. That is to say controlling by use of fear, terror, and shame.
Unfortunately, children don't realize that fixing whatever the problem is can change that "catastrophic" outcome. Their perceptions and reactions to this "catastrophic" outcome are based on information received from an abuser. And left unexamined, the child continues to react or overreact in response to these same kinds of events as an adult doomsayer, and with no forethought as to the possible changes that have occurred over time or alternate coping strategies for the situation.
Rage is anger and frustration out of control. Rage might include throwing things, slamming doors, breaking things, all within the child's view. Considering the sheer size of an adult as compared to a child, a child viewing an adult who is raging out of control will be terrorized by the experience. The goals of a raging abuser are to expel feelings in order to "feel better" and at the same time, scare their targets into compliance. Remember compliance is one of the abuser's expectations for their objects of abuse, which in this case is the child.
"Intimidation" is form of coercion. This destructive control behavior is designed to produce fear (terror) through intimidation in order to maintain control. Considering the size, strength, experience, and knowledge of an adult as compared to a child, intimidation is easy for an abuser to achieve. Lack of knowledge, strength, size, and experience on the part of the child ends up being a destructive control opportunity for the abuser to make use of. They'll use the opportunity to intimidate in a destructive way by leading the child into feeling that they are somehow inadequate.
This is accomplished by making the child feel less because of their lack of knowledge, strength, size, and experience. The child's resulting fears of inadequacy are then used to control him/her. The following statements are examples of phases used to intimidate and produce fear.
Coercion is the threat of violence in an attempt to control. Things like:
The use of threat or destructive bargaining is also a part of coercion.
A terrorist uses coercion to control situations with some intended goal in mind. And just like the terrorist, the abuser destructively controls with an intended goal in mind. The goal is to "feel better." Abusers who have a dependency relationship with their children control their fears by controlling their children. Children of abusers who are controlled by the use of coercion, grow up terrorized and not feeling safe.
The emotional effects of coercion are more damaging to a child than to a child who has been beaten. A child growing up in coercion will always be wishing for something (bad) to happen in order for them to relieve their anxiety of waiting for something (bad) to happen. Even now as an adult, I STILL expect to be punished for minor infractions and I pace the floor waiting and suffering, thinking I can't feel better until I just my "just deserts".
Playing the Victim is an extremely effective technique used to control someone (especially children). An abuser controls the child's behavior by becoming the so-called wounded victim. The child might say or do something that the abuser becomes uncomfortable with. In reaction to the child's behavior, the abuser responds by saying something like this:
This destructive control behavior uses false guilt to control the child. When the abuser is a parent or other caretaker, the child looks inward and thinks: "How could I do that to my parent . . . . . She (or He) looks so hurt and sounds so angry or depressed . . . . She's (or He's) talking and looking at me; therefore I must have caused her (or his) pain . . . . I'd better be good so I don't hurt her (or him) any more . . . . . she's (or he's) the only one I have to take care of me and the alternative of taking care of myself scares me to death, because that's impossible for myself as a child to do. I could die. I'm sure I'd die."
These children can learn to automatically feel guilty, terrified, and anxious when they come in contact with anyone playing the victim.
Shaming and Abusive Language are destructive control behaviors that use shaming remarks, names, and labels to control the child. Shaming is not the same as false guilt. Shaming is judging with the intent to humiliate and discount the child's sense of self worth:
The abuser uses shame to lead the child into believing that they are somehow inadequate, strange, or not good enough. The abuser also "feels better" by expelling their internal feelings of shame or badness and projecting that shame or badness onto the child.
