Consider making some changes that you can do as your personal safety allows. Here's some suggestions:
- The following steps represent my plan for increasing my safety and preparing in advance for the possibility for further violence. Although I do not have control over my partner's violence, I do have a choice about how to respond to him/her and how to best get myself and my children to safety.
- Step 1: Safety during a violent incident.
You can't always avoid violent incidents. In order to increase safety, consider a variety of strategies.I can use some or all of the following strategies:
A. If I decide to leave, I will ___________________. (Practice how to get out safely. What doors, windows, elevators, stairwells or fire escapes would you use?)
B. I can keep my purse and car keys ready and put them (place)__________________ in order to leave quickly.
Also leave a set of keys with a trusted friend or relative. Make sure they know WHY you are leaving them a set of your keys so they don't accidently let it slip if your abuser talks with them. If that's not an option, how about a set in your desk drawer at work or even hidden somewhere on the outside of your house. For the short term, you can even get magnetic key boxes that attach under the fender of your car. Be prepared
C. I can tell _____________________about the violence and request they call the police if they hear suspicious noises coming from my house.
D. I can teach my children how to use the telephone to contact the police and the fire department.
E. I will use _______________________ as my code for my children or my friends so they can call for help.
F. If I have to leave my home, I will go _____________________ (Decide this even if you don't think there will be a next time).
If I cannot go to the location above, then I can go to_________ __________________or ______________________________.
G. I can also teach some of these strategies to some/all my children.
H. When I expect we are going to have an argument, I will try to move to a space that is lowest risk, such as ____________ ____________________. (Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchen, near weapons or in rooms without access to an outside door).
I. I will use my judgment and intuition. If the situation is very serious, I can give my partner what he/she wants to calm him/her down. I have to protect myself until I/we are out of danger.
I can use some or all the following safety strategies:
A. I will leave money and an extra set of keys with _____________
so that I can leave quickly.
B. I will keep copies of important documents or keys at
_______________________.
C. I will open a savings account to increase
my independence. Make sure the statement is NOT sent to your home where the abuser will find out about it. Use a post office box, your work address, a friend's address. If you get an ATM card with the account, don't keep it in your wallet where it can be found. Also, keep some cash in your "kit". Make sure you've got enough for cab fare, a night's stay at a motel and a couple of meals. DO NOT USE CREDIT CARDS. This is an easy way for the abuser to find out where you are and to track what you're doing. Be Prepared.
D. Other things I can do to increase my independence include:
E. The domestic violence program's hot line number is ____________ and I can seek shelter by calling this hot line.
F. I can keep change for phone calls on me at all times. (If you use a telephone credit card, the following
month the telephone bill can tell the abuser those numbers
you called after you left. To keep phone communications
confidential, either use coins or get a friend to let you use their telephone credit card for a while
when you first leave).
G. I will check with ____________________ and _____________ to see who would be able to let me stay with them or lend
me some money.
H. I can leave extra clothes with _________________________.
I. I will sit down and review my safety plan every ______________
in order to plan the safest way to leave the residence.
_____________ has agreed to help me review this plan.
J. I will rehearse my escape plan and, as appropriate, practice it with my children.
_____________________________________________
- Step 3: Safety in my own residence.
There are many things you can do to increase safety in your own residence. It may be impossible to do everything at once, but safety measures can be added step by step.
Safety measures I can use include:
A. I can change the locks on my doors and windows as soon as possible.
B. I can replace wooden doors with steel/metal doors.
C. I can install security systems including additional locks, window bars, poles to wedge against doors, an electronic system, etc.
D. I can purchase rope ladders to be used for escape from second floor windows.
E. I can install smoke detectors and purchase fire extinguishers for each floor in my house/apartment.
F. I can install an outside lighting system that lights up when a person is coming close to my house.
G. I will teach my children how to use the telephone to make a collect call to me and to _______________(friend/minister/ other) in the event that my partner takes them.
H. I will tell people who take care of my children what persons have permission to pick up my children and that my partner is not permitted to do so. The people I will inform about pick-up permission include:
School__________________________________________
Day Care staff__________________________________
Babysitter______________________________________
Sunday school teacher___________________________
Teacher_________________________________________
And_____________________________________________
I. I can inform neighbors, pastor and friends that my partner no longer resides with me and they should call the police if observed near my residence.
- Step 4: Safety with an Order of Protection.
You can never tell which abusers will obey protection orders and which will not. Recognize that you may need to ask the police and the court to enforce your protection order.
The following are some steps that I can take to help the enforcement of my protection order:
A. I will keep my protection order _________________(location) (Always keep it on or near your person. If you change purses, that's the first thing that should go in. You can also keep copies in the car, at the office etc.).
B. I will give my protection order to police departments in the communities where I usually visit family or friends, and in the community where I live.
C. There should be a county registry of protection orders that all police departments can call to confirm a protection order. I can check to make sure that my order is in registry. The telephone number for the county registry of protection order is ____________________________. (Ask the Sheriff's office or the Clerk of Court.)
D. For further safety, if I often visit other counties in my area, I might file my protection order with the court in those counties. I will register my protection order in the following counties:
___________________ and _________________
E. I can call the local domestic violence program if I am not sure about B, C, or D above or if I have some problem with my protection order.
F. I will inform my employer, my minister, my closest friend and _____________ and ____________that I have a protection order in effect.
G. If my protection order gets lost or stolen, I can get another copy from the County Courthouse by going to the Circuit Court Clerk's office at ________________________________.
H. If my protection order is violated, I can call the police and report a violation, contact my attorney, call my advocate, and/or advise the court of the violation.
I. If the police do not help, I can contact my advocate or attorney and will file a complaint with the chief of the police department.
J. I can also file a private criminal compliant with the district justice in the jurisdiction where the violation occurred or with the district attorney. I can charge my abuser with a violation of the Order of Protection and all the crimes that he or she commits in violating the order. I can call the domestic violence advocate to help me with this.
- Step 5: Safety on the job and in public.
You must decide if and when you will tell others that you ahve been abused and that you may be at continued risk. Friends, family and co-workers can help to protect you. Consider carefully which people to invite to help secure your safety.
I might do any or all of the following:
A. I can inform my boss, the security supervisor and ___________ at work of my situation.
B. I can ask ________________ to help screen my telephone calls at work.
C. When leaving work, I can ______________________________ _________________________________________________.
D. When driving home if problems occur, I can ________________ _________________________________________________.
E. If I use public transit, I can ______________________________ _________________________________________________.
F. I will go to different grocery stores and shopping malls to conduct my business and shop at hours that are different than those when residing with my abuser.
G. I can use a different bank and take care of my banking at hours different from those I used when residing with my abuser.
H. I can also __________________________________________.
- Step 6: Safety and drug or alcohol use.
Drug and alcohol in our society are common. Much of this use is legal and some is not. The legal outcomes of using illegal drugs can be very hard on a victim, may hurt the victim's relationship with the children and put him or her at a disadvantage in other legal actions with an abuser. Carefully consider the potential cost of the use of illegal drugs. Beyond this, the use of any alcohol or other drug can reduce your ability to act quickly to protect yourself from your abuser. Furthermore, the use of alcohol or other drugs by the abuser may give him/her an excuse to use violence. Make specific safety plans.
If drug or alcohol use has occurred in my relationship with my abuser, I can enhance my safety by some or all of the following:
A. If I am going to use, I can do so in a safe place and with people who understand the risk of violence and are committed to my safety.
B. I can also ___________________________________________.
C. If my partner is using, I can _____________________________.
D. I might also _________________________________________.
E. To safeguard my children, I might ________________________
- Step 7: Safety and my emotional health.
The experience of being abused and verbally degraded is usually exhausting and emotionally draining. The process of building a new life takes much courage and incredible energy.
To conserve my emotional energy and resources and to avoid hard emotional times, I can do some of the following:
A. If I feel down and ready to return to a potentially abusive situation, I can _____________________________________________.
B. When I have to communicate with my partner in person or by telephone, I can ____________________________________.
C. I can try to use "I can . . . " statements with myself and to be assertive with others.
D. I can tell myself - "_____________________________________ ______________________________" whenever I feel others are trying to control or abuse me.
E. I can read ____________________________to help me feel stronger.
F. I can call ___________________, ___________________ and _________________as other resources to be of support of me.
G. Other things I can do to help me feel stronger are ____________ ______________, and _______________________________.
H. I can attend workshops and support groups at the domestic violence program or _________________________, or _____ _______________to gain support and strengthen my relationships with other people.
- Step 8: Items to take when leaving.
When leaving, it is important to take certain items with you. Beyond this, give an extra copy of papers and an extra set of clothing to a friend just in case you have to leave quickly.
MONEY: Even if you have never worked, you may legally be allowed to take 1/2 of the funds in the checking and savings accounts (check local laws to see if you live in a community property state). If you don't take any money from the accounts, a partner can legally take all money and/or close the account and you may not get your share until the court rules on it if ever.
These items might be placed in one location, so that if you have to leave in a hurry, you can grab them quickly.
When I leave, I should have:
* Identification for myself
* Children's birth certificate
* My birth certificate
* Social security cards
* School and vaccination records
* Money
* Checkbook, ATM (Automatic Tellers Machine) card
* Credit cards
* Keys - house/car/office
* Driver's license and registration
* Medication
* Welfare identification, work permits, Green card
* Passport(s), Divorce papers
* Medical records - for all family members
* Lease/rental agreement, deeds, mortgage payment book
* Bank books, Insurance papers
* Small saleable objects
* Address book
* Pictures, jewelry
* Children's favorite toys and/or blankets
* Items of special sentimental value
Telephone numbers I need to know:
- I will keep this document in a safe place and out of the reach of my abuser.
- Review date:_________________________
- Review date:_________________________
- By no means is this list comprehensive and not all things on this list may apply to you and your unique situation. But hopefully, its got you thinking...and planning.
- Having these and other steps done ahead of time can make your decision to leave easier when an opportunity presents itself or your physical safety demands it. In addition, it will give you some peace of mind and a sense of regaining some control over your life again. And that is the longest journey, so start it soon.
