THE FUN PAGE
please try are trivia at bottom of page |
things to do in an elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to
other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut
up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
"Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and
ask them to call you Admiral.
14. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay
open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at
the bottom.
15. Do Tai Chi exercises.
16. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
17. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not
now, damn motion sickness!"
18. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
19. Meow occassionally.
20. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
21. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
22. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
23. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
24. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
25. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
26. Ask people if the floors are counted from the bottom up or from the top
down.
27. Leave a box between the doors.
28. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through"
it.
31. Start a sing-along.
32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
beeper?"
33. Play the harmonica.
34. Shadow box.
35. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
36. Lean against the button panel.
37. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space."
40. Bring a chair along.
41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha
in muh mouf?"
42. Blow spit bubbles.
43. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
44. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
body."
45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
46. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
47. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
48. Do shots of cream.
49. Play field hockey.
50. Wear nothing but a towel around your waist and yell,"I'm naked, I'm
naked!!"
51. Hit the stop button and see if you can finish a whole game of monopoly
before they rescue you.
52. Pound your head against the wall and mumble,"I knew I should have taken
the stairs!"
53. Tell people I'm going crazy and you're confusing me.
54. Wait until the elevator is really crowded and announce:
"Aren't you glad you use Dial?"
(I've tried this, it's a real crowd-pleaser.)
("Don't you wish everyone did?")
55. when getting on an elevator that already has several people on it,
>stand with your back to the door and watch people.
56. Lean over to the person next to you and whisper for their ears only a
secret code type message such as "The eagle has landed but the blind man
walks alone"
57. Look really paranoid for a few floors, then get off and just as the doors
are closing, turn around and start clawing at the doors, screaming "Oh God,
they've found me. Let me in, they're after me."
58. Just sit down in the corner and hum or sing children's songs. Do not get
off.
You Know You're Getting Old When
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a
second coat.
All your favorite music groups now only have "The Best Of ..." compilation CD's
at the stores.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
Instead of strawberries, you put prunes on your cereal.
It takes you all night to try to do what you used to do all night.
Sex is now on the Quarterly Plan.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
The little old gray-headed lady you help across the street is your wife.
You are finally allowed to stop sucking in your gut.
You are on a first name basis with your proctologist.
You are startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You are still chasing women, but can't remember why.
You are visiting a museum with your grandson and a guard tells him to don't
touch the exhibits.
"You are what you eat" turns out to be true.
You belong to the Bartles & James Wife Swapping Club.
You burn the midnight oil until 9pm.
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
You get winded playing cards.
You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You join a health club and don't go.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong
wall.
You have already gone to two Woodstock festivals in your lifetime.
You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
You notice more and more younger drivers waving at you with one finger.
You own the same music recording in 78 RPM, 8-track, cassette tape, 45 RPM, 33
RPM, and Compact Disc formats.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You start answering to "Geezer".
You suddenly notice Bea Arthur has nice legs.
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M. D.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down when you see a pretty girl.
Your walker is equipped with an airbag.
Ways To Insult
Someone
1."Body by Fisher -- brains by
Mattel."
2.$HOME = /dev/null.
3.3K RAM free, no EMS.
4.A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
5.A 1.0 in a 4.5 installation.
6.A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
7.A 20th century man... The guy has no future.
8.A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
9.A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
10.A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
11.A butter knife in a steak / prime rib world.
12.A candidate for optorectomy. (Disconnection of optic nerve from rectum, to repair a
crappy outlook on life.)
13.A day late and a dollar short.
14.A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
15.A dim bulb in the marquee of life.
16.A face designed in a wind tunnel.
17.A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
18.A great deal of pride, but very little to be proud of.
19.A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
20.A hemorrhoid on the face of the world.
21.A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum.
22.A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
23.A lap behind the field.
24.A legend in his own mind.
25.A logically defunct twit.
26.A looney tune.
27.A lot of feathers but not much chicken. -- Kim Mitchell
28.A medical mystery.
29.A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits
30.A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.
31.A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running.
32.A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
33.A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
34.A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
35.A notch off the timing mark.
36.A one-bit brain with a parity error.
37.A pacifist out of necessity / always loses in a battle of wits.
38.A penalty kick over the bar. (in soccer)
39.A peripheral visionary.
40.A photographic memory, but no film / the lens cover is glued on.
41.A poor excuse for protoplasm.
42.A prime candidate for natural deselection.
43.A quart low.
44.A real rocket scientologist.
45.A real space cadet.
46.A return with no gosub.
47.A room temperature IQ -- centigrade.
48.A semitone flat on the high notes.
49.A single-cylinder brain in a V8 world.
50.A socketless drone in a plug-and-play world.
51.A square with only three sides.
52.A standard deviant.
53.A teapot with a cracked lid.
54.A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.
55.A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
56.A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
57.A victim of retroactive birth control.
58.A violin minus the bow.
59.A walking argument for birth control / post-natal abortion.
60.A waste of skin.
61.A wind-up clock without a key.
62.About half smart.
63.Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
64.Airhead / bubble-brain.
65.Aliens zapped him with a stupidity ray -- twice.
66.Alive today only because it's illegal to kill him.
67.All booster, no payload.
68.All crown, no filling.
69.All fetch and no execute.
70.All foam, no beer.
71.All hammer, no nail.
72.All hat and no cattle.
73.All hawk and no spit. -- Molly Ivins talking about Ross Perot
74.All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
75.All his eggs in the same basket.
76.All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
77.All icing, no cake.
78.All lime and salt, no tequila.
79.All missile, no warhead.
80.All of his bytes are odd.
81.All Preparation, no H.
82.All shot, no powder.
83.All signs and no scenery. -- John Taylor
84.All the lights don't shine in her marquee.
85.All the notes, none of the music.
86.All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap /
a
bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.
87.All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
88.All thrust, no vector.
89.All wax and no wick.
90.Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.
91.Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
92.Always late... Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
93.Always needs to have jokes explained.
94.Always responds to "Make Money Fast" postings on the Net.
95.Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
96.Always speaks her mind, so usually she's speechless.
97.An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
98.An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
99.An Apple //e on UUCP.
100.An early example of the Peter Principle
T-SHIRT LOGOS 1) Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares? 2) I don't believe
in miracles. I rely on them. 3) Next mood swing: 6 minutes. 4) I hate everybody, and
you're next. 5) Please don't make me kill you. 6) And your point is... 7) I used to be
schizophrenic, but we're okay now. 8) I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. 9) Warning:
I have an attitude and I know how to use it. 10)Of course I don't look busy...I did it
right the first time. 11)Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? 12)I'm
multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time. 13)Do NOT start with me. You
will NOT win. 14)You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. 15)All stressed
out and no one to choke. 16)I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. 17)How
can I miss you if you won't go away? 18)Sorry if I look interested. I'm not. 19)If we are
what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. 20)Don't make me mad! I'm running out of places to
hide the bodies.
DEFINITION OF AN OLD TIMER [1] one who can remember when folks sat down
at the table and counted their blessings instead of calories; [2] aDEFINITION OF AN OLD
TIMER [1] one who can remember when folks sat down at the table and counted their
blessings instead of calories; [2] a person who remembers when people wearing blue jeans
worked; [3] one who can remember back to when a telephone was a convenience; [4] a geezer
who can remember when "setting the world on fire" was only a figure of speech;
[5] is a guy who distinctly remembers the 5-cent cigar but forgets the 10-hour, 6-day work
week; [6] one who still remembers when the red menace was made of flannel, had a flap in
the back, and donned in the winter; [7] a guy who realizes that his kid's history lessons
are what he read in the newspapers; [8] the person who can remember that, when you bought
$5 worth of groceries, the clerk reminded you to hold the bag by the bottom; [9] a father
who remembers when a juvenile delinquent was a youngster returning from the woodshed; [10]
a man who is old enough not to care what anyone says about him -- and no one does; [11] is
a senior citizen who can remember when you could get the landlord to fix anything by
threatening to move; [12] a person who can remember when you didn't even think of
Christmas shopping until after Thanksgiving; [13] is a duffer who recalls that the only
improper things you learned in school were fractions; [14] a man who can remember the time
when it was easy to distinguish between a bathing beach and a nudist camp; [15] a man who
can remember when you could light a cigarette at either end; [16] one who can remember
when there was hot criticism of the extravagance of a government when it gave away free
garden seeds; [17] a person who can remember when charity was a virtue, and not an
industry; [18] a person who can recollect when a new baby was considered an addition
instead of a deduction; [19] a man who can remember when his only parking problem was
getting the girl to say OK; [20] a man who can remember when a lady looked the same after
washing her face; [21] a guy who can remember when the sky was the limit; person who
remembers when people wearing blue jeans workedDEFINITION OF AN OLD TIMER [1] one who can
remember when folks sat down at the table and counted their blessings instead of calories;
[2] a person who remembers when people wearing blue jeans worked; [3] one who can remember
back to when a telephone was a convenience; [4] a geezer who can remember when
"setting the world on fire" was only a figure of speech; [5] is a guy who
distinctly remembers the 5-cent cigar but forgets the 10-hour, 6-day work week; [6] one
who still remembers when the red menace was made of flannel, had a flap in the back, and
donned in the winter; [7] a guy who realizes that his kid's history lessons are what he
read in the newspapers; [8] the person who can remember that, when you bought $5 worth of
groceries, the clerk reminded you to hold the bag by the bottom; [9] a father who
remembers when a juvenile delinquent was a youngster returning from the woodshed; [10] a
man who is old enough not to care what anyone says about him -- and no one does; [11] is a
senior citizen who can remember when you could get the landlord to fix anything by
threatening to move; [12] a person who can remember when you didn't even think of
Christmas shopping until after Thanksgiving; [13] is a duffer who recalls that the only
improper things you learned in school were fractions; [14] a man who can remember the time
when it was easy to distinguish between a bathing beach and a nudist camp; [15] a man who
can remember when you could light a cigarette at either end; [16] one who can remember
when there was hot criticism of the extravagance of a government when it gave away free
garden seeds; [17] a person who can remember when charity was a virtue, and not an
industry; [18] a person who can recollect when a new baby was considered an addition
instead of a deduction; [19] a man who can remember when his only parking problem was
getting the girl to say OK; [20] a man who can remember when a lady looked the same after
washing her face; [21] a guy who can remember when the sky was the limit;; [3] one who can
remember back to when a telephone was a convenience; [4] a geezer who can remember when
"setting the world on fire" was only a figure of speech; [5] is a guy who
distinctly remembers the 5-cent cigar but forgets the 10-hour, 6-day work week; [6] one
who still remembers when the red menace was made of flannel, had a flap in the back, and
donned in the winter; [7] a guy who realizes that his kid's history lessons are what he
read in the newspapers; [8] the person who can remember that, when you bought $5 worth of
groceries, the clerk reminded you to hold the bag by the bottom; [9] a father who
remembers when a juvenile delinquent was a youngster returning from the woodshed; [10] a
man who is old enough not to care what anyone says about him -- and no one does; [11] is a
senior citizen who can remember when you could get the landlord to fix anything by
threatening to move; [12] a person who can remember when you didn't even think of
Christmas shopping until after Thanksgiving; [13] is a duffer who recalls that the only
improper things you learned in school were fractions; [14] a man who can remember the time
when it was easy to distinguish between a bathing beach and a nudist camp; [15] a man who
can remember when you could light a cigarette at either end; [16] one who can remember
when there was hot criticism of the extravagance of a government when it gave away free
garden seeds; [17] a person who can remember when charity was a virtue, and not an
industry; [18] a person who can recollect when a new baby was considered an addition
instead of a deduction; [19] a man who can remember when his only parking problem was
getting the girl to say OK; [20] a man who can remember when a lady looked the same after
washing her face; [21] a guy who can remember when the sky was the limit;
T-SHIRT L
T-SHIRT LOGOS 1) Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares? 2) I
don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. 3) Next mood swing: 6 minutes. 4) I hate
everybody, and you're next. 5) Please don't make me kill you. 6) And your point is... 7) I
used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now. 8) I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
9) Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. 10)Of course I don't look bu Next
mood swing: 6 minutes. 4) I hate evT-SHIRT LOGOS 1) Guys have feelings too. But like...who
cares? 2) I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. 3) Next mood swing: 6 minutes. 4) I
hate everybody, and you're next. 5) Please don't make me kill you. 6) And your point is...
7) I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now. 8) I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice
day. 9) Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. 10)Of course I don't look
busy...I did it right the first time. 11)Why do people with closed minds always open their
mouths? 12)I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time. 13)Do NOT start
with me. You will NOT win. 14)You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
15)All stressed out and no one to choke. 16)I'm one of those bad things that happen to
good people. 17)How can I miss you if you won't go away? 18)Sorry if I look interested.
I'm not. 19)If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. 20)Don't make me mad! I'm
running out of places to hide the bodies.erybody, and you're next. 5) Please don't make me
kill you. 6) And your point is... 7) I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now. 8)
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. 9) Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to
use it. 10)Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time. 11)Why do people
with closed minds always open their mouths? 12)I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you
at the same time. 13)Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. 14)You have the right to
remain silent, so please SHUT UP. 15)All stressed out and no one to choke. 16)I'm one of
those bad things that happen to good people. 17)How can I miss you if you won't go away?
18)Sorry if I look interestesy...I did it right the first time. 11)Why do people with
closed minds always open their mouths? 12)I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at
the same time. 13)Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. 14)You have the right to remain
silent, so please SHUT UP. 15)All stressed out and no one to choke. 16)I'm one of those
bad things that happen to good people. 17)How can I miss you if you won't go away?
18)Sorry if I look interested. I'm not. 19)If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and
easy. 20)Don't make me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the
bo