TAXI
Pumara si Erap ng FX (Tamaraw Taxi).
Erap: Magkano papuntang Makati?
Taxi: Ikaw lang ho mag-isa?
Erap: Bakit, hindi ka ba sasama?
MINIMIZE
Teacher: Erap, define MINIMIZE.
Erap: MINIMIZE is the girlfriend of MICKEY MICE!
A DIET FOR ERAP
Erap is starting to get a bit over weight, so his doctor puts him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days,
then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five
pounds."
When Erap returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Sinunod mo talaga ang
instructions ko no?" Erap nods. "Pero, Doc, akala ko babagsak ako sa pangatlong araw." "Sa gutom?" "Hindi, prom
i-skipping."
SIGURISTA
While typing Erap's speech, Erap's secretary paused awhile and asked Erap.
Secretary: Sir, dalawa nga ba ang -o- sa unahan ang cooperation ?
Erap: Dagdagan mo pa nang isa para sigurado.
PULL
Erap and Jinggoy to watch a movie.
Before entering, Erap reads sign on the door: "PULL"
Erap: "tsk tsk. Balik nalang tayo bukas. Puno na naman eh!"
NO LIMBS VERSUS NO HEAD
German: We had a boy born with no limbs! Now he's d world's greatest mountain climber!
Pinoy: Wala yan, sa amin, born 62 yrs ago with no head! Now he is our president.
ERAP'S VEHICLE
Erap one day went to a car dealer (Mitsubitsi) to buy a car. A salesman approaches.
Erap to salesman: Ah, gusto ko sanang bumili ng 16.
Salesman: Sir, what 16? Ahh 16 valve car?
Erap: No, hindi ko kailangan ng kotse na may 16 bulbs. Ang hinahanap ko ay yong sasakyan na 4 times 4.
Salesman: Ahhhh, sir, you mean 4 by 4 (4x4).
Erap: Is that what I means? OK, sige yun na!!!
Salesman: Sir, I recommend the Pajero Intercooler.
Erap: !#@$!!@#%, I'm the President of the Philippines, bakit ganyan lang ang ibibigay mo sa akin. Bigyan mo ako
ng Pajero INTERCOOLEST!
As Erap's Driver test drive it.
Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light (as driver
switches on the parking light)
Erap: OK, gumagana!
Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
Erap: OK rin, gumagana!
Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
Erap: Ayon gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw...
ERAP AGAIN!
How is a beer bottle and Erap alike ?
They are both empty from the neck up.
Why does Erap keep empty bottles in his fridge?
They are for those who don't drink.
How do you confuse Erap?
Place him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Why did Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said, concentrate.
Why was Erap so proud for finishing a puzzle in only six months?
Because the box said " 2 to 3 years . "
Why does Erap smile during lightning storms?
He thinks his picture is being taken.
Why does Erap have "TGIF" on his shoes?
To remind him that "Toes goes in first."
Why can't Erap dial 911?
He cannot find the number 11 on the phone.
What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, he has a grenade in his mouth.
How can you tell if Erap has been using your computer?
There are wipe-out (snowpake) all over the monitor.
How do you get Erap on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
Why is it good to have Erap as a passenger in your car?
You can park in the handicap zone.
Why did God give Erap one more brain cell that he gave horses?
So he wouldn't shit during parades.
Why shouldn't Erap have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain him.
Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M&M factory?
He kept throwing out the W.
Erap, who is tired of being thought of dumb, disguised himself with a
beard and sunglasses. He goes to a sheep ranch and asks the shepherd, if he can
guess the number of sheep in his herd, can he have one?
The sheperd said: "God ahead."
Erap looks at the herd and says, "352 sheep."
The shepherd is amazed and told Erap to pick any sheep he wanted.
As Erap is about to leave, the shepherd says: "If i can guess who you
are, can i have my dog back?
Erap and Ronnie Zamora were observed in a parking lot trying to unlock
the door of a Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Ronnie : "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"
Erap : "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, it's starting to
rain and the top is down."
Why does Erap like BMW better than Volswagen?
He can't spell Volkswagen?
How did Erap break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
Why did Erap instruct his maid to change his baby's diaper only once a
month?
Because it says on the package that it's good for up to 20 pounds.
If Erap and Cory are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
Cory. Erap has to stop to ask for directions.
Why did Erap tiptoe fast the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
Why does Erap always wear condoms on his ears every time he has sex?
So he wouldn't get hearing aids.
What did Erap do when he heard that 90 percent of accidents occur around
the house?
He moved.
ERAP ORDERS A PIZZA:
Waiter: Sir do you want me to cut your your pizza into 4 or 8?
Erap: 4 na lang, baka di ko maubos pag 8.
VIOLENCE
Press: Mr. President, What can u say about the violence here in the Phils?
Erap: I did'nt know how to play guitar...violence pa kaya!
QUESTION
Si Clinton, Yeltsin at si Erap pumunta ng Heaven.
God: "I will answer any of your questions." So nauna si Clinton.
Clinton: God, When will my sex case close?
God: By the year 2015
Clinton began to cry. God asked him why and he said, "Because by that time I will not be president anymore
and then all the history books in America will say my administration was sex-ridden..."
So there, Clinton disappeared. Now it was Yeltsin's turn to ask God a question.
Yeltsin: God, when will Russia become an economic power?
God: By the year 2020
Yeltsin began to cry. God asked him why and he said, "Because by that time I will be dead already..."
So there, Yeltin disappeared. Now it was Erap's turn.
Erap: God, simple lang ang question ko. Kailan ako matatanggap ng mga social at elite classes bilang isang
mabuting politician at presidente?
Biglang naiyak si God. Erap asked him why and God said, "Because by that time, wala na ako!"
