1. Donate your shoe collection to Imelda Marcos.

 2. Practise wearing a dress or skirt rather than jeans. It'll be far more comfortable in the end. Give up on conventional underwear.

 3. Drink like a fish. Try to get legless.

 4. If you dye your hair, don't use water-soluble dyes. It is hell trying to get the colour out of your eyebrows. 5. Drive a car with an automatic transmission.

 6. Talk to fish. Sooner or later, they will talk back.

 7. Stand (or sit if you are more advanced) on the shore and sing at passing ships. Score a point for each one that runs aground.

 8. See a psychiatrist about your hydrophobia.

 9. Try to appreciate sex with your knees tied together. (This may be slightly more challenging if you are female.)

 [1]10. Discover that you *can* eat seaweed.

 11. Act like a cartoon character. Most of your companions will be.

 12. Don't become a concert pianist. They use the soft pedal as *well* as the damper. Be thankful you never liked organs, because you don't stand a chance.

 13. Come to terms with the fact that mermen seem to be few and far between. (Well, how many have *you* seen?)

 14. Learn that sharks aren't just there to be eaten. Some of them are getting the hang of this newfangled role-reversal stuff.

 15. Stop worrying about your varicose veins.

 16. Hang around with dolphins, carrying a large pair of scissors in case you meet a tuna fishing boat that hasn't learnt about driftnets being illegal.

 17. Buy your chiropodist a farewell present.

 18. Go water skiing, but keep the other ski as a spare.

 19. Find a matching pair of shells that feel comfortable. This is harder than it seems, especially if the shells are still occupied.

 20. Sabotage Sea World shows, chanting slogans about "Tail Rights". Explain the concept of striking to the dolphins.

 21. Forget about the problem of ingrowing toenails.

 23. Trade in your Harley-Davidson for a motor scooter. That way you won't have to make a choice about whether you get to change gears, or use the brakes.

 24. Learn to be wary of Japanese and Norwegians carrying spears. Anything that's warm-blooded and swims is fair game to them.

 25. Try, just once, to do the lotus position. You'll never get the opportunity again.

 26. Throw away that vibrator device that is supposed to take fat off your thighs. Admit it, the thing never worked, did it?

 27. Accuse fun-run organisers of discrimination.

 28. Never fret about losing a single sock in the wash again.

 29. If you like riding horses, consider going back to the traditional side-saddle mode. You will fall off far less.

 30. Throw out your Walkman. Face it, you only ever used the thing when you went jogging, didn't you?

 31. Confuse a public servant by asking exactly what they mean by "height" on that long form. Ask them why they think "green" isn't a valid answer for the "complexion" question.

 32. Develop a close, personal hatred for chlorine. It's bad enough having to drink it; imagine having to *live* in it.

 33. Don't settle for anything less than a Seiko Sports 100.

 34. Don't trust seagulls to explain anything. It's a *fork*, and don't forget it.

 35. Throw away that useless lump of pumice that never could remove the slightest bit of dead skin from the tiniest bunion.

 36. Experiment with new ways to visit the toilet. Whatever you're doing now, it's not going to work.

 [2]37. Give up on aerobics. Aside from the problem of how to wear the leotards, or just how you plan to do star jumps, there's not going to be a lot of air where you're going to be. Experiment with hydrobics instead.

 [3] 38. Join the Anti-Football League.

 39. Don't worry about ladders in your stockings.

 40. Sell your mountain-side chalet. You never used it much anyway

 .41. Stay well clear of Bondi Beach. Surfboards can *hurt*, not to mention the presence of that smelly pipeline coming from the mainland.

 42. Tear out all but the first thirty or so pages of _The_Joy_of_Sex_. Believe me, all those advanced positions are just not going to be possible.

 [4]43. Contact Greenpeace about oil tankers.Either you might be of some help in the future,or you might need some.

 44. Stop taking swimming lessons--it won't make sense anyway.

 45. See "The Abyss" once or twice,you might need it.

 46. Either sell the computer you're using to read this,or be ready for some expensive changes.

 [5]47. Get a good lawyer,bureaucrats will sure be confused.Be ready to change the "Particular signs" field in your identity card and/or other documents.

 48. Begin eating uncooked fish,you will sure have some problems with fire and some training won't do any bad.

 49. Go skiing,just for once.You might miss it.

 50. Say goodbye to your dogs and cats.If you have a pet fish prepare it for a beautiful surprise

 .51. Stop hating ski-jets....At least they don't have propellers,no?

 52. Make some photos of yourself for a "before and after" album.

 53. Find something against rusting if you plan to use your houseware and furniture in the future.

 54. Buy a wheelchair if you plan to come to the surface again.Send your principal/employer a letter explaining that you'll need a ramp.

 55. Make a campaign about a redefinition of "Human rights".Just in case.

 56. Stop worrying about smoking...you'll have to stop anyway.

 57. Buy a scuba case for your camera

 .58. Do not sell the scuba gear.Use it to find a suitable home before,then give it up.

 59. Come to the fact that you will have some problems getting mail and newspapers.

 60. Try to find out where mythology conferences are going to be held,and prepare yourself to have a lot of fun(Play your cards wisely)

 .61. Sell your weaponry if you got any,including water pistols.

 62. Get rid of your bicycle,or if not remove one of the pedals and be ready to have to learn biking again.

 63. If you notice a small,wooden,upside-down boat with a compressor,please come out and identify yourself.

 [6]64. Ask the Red October helmsman to install a klaxon on the submarine.

 65. If you like having short hair revert to more traditional habits,at least on this subject.Anyway the problem of drying them after a shower will not be there anymore

 .66. Buy a speaking computer to communicate,just in case you chage your mind later.And program it with YOUR voice.

 Notes:[1] Kids, if you're reading these out to Mum or Dad (particularly Mum), skip this one. You have been warned.[2] This is probably another one you should skip, kids. Odds are you didn't get it anyway, right? [3] What's hydrobics? *I* don't know - *you're* the one reading the list.[4] Kids, if you read this one to your parents, don't blame me if you get kicked out of the house.[5] I can make a computer work underwater for a good price,contact me.[6] It will probably be me,so please make my day!

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