In the spirit of sportsmanship and good will, I offer warm thoughts about our associates in the Southeastern Conference:
* What do you call a jock from Arkansas who finally finishes his college degree?
An octogenarian.
* An LSU player starts to cook gumbo at his apartment. As he prepares the roux, hot grease jumps out of the pan and starts a fire. The quick-thinking Cajun grabs his telephone and calls 911.
"Fire! Fire!" he shouts into the receiver. "You gotta send somebody ovah here quick t'put out dis fire at mah place!"
"How do we get there?" the dispatcher asks.
"Oooh, man!" he shrieks, "ain't you got one o'dem big red trucks?"
* The snooty Vanderbilt senior, hoping to impress a raw recruit from South Carolina, begins bragging about his father's wealth: "I can get in Daddy's Jeep and drive all morning before I reach the end of our property."
"I know jes' how you feel," the youngster replies, arching a stream of tobacco juice. "Mah Daddy's got an ol' wore-out Jeep jes' like it."
* How do you get a Georgia cheerleader into your dorm room?
Grease her hips and push.
* "They tell me you play checkers with your dog," the TV sportscaster asks the lad from Auburn.
"Shore do," the jock replies.
"Wow! That must be one smart dog!"
"Naw, he ain't all that smart. I can beat him three outta four games."
* A player from Alabama travels to Boston to visit relatives. At a party, he runs into a pretty girl and attempts to strike up a conversation.
"What school do y'all go to?" he asks.
Annoyed by both his grammar and his Southern drawl, she sniffs, "Yale."
So the ol' boy clears his throat and shouts, "WHAT SCHOOL DO Y'ALL GO TO?"
* Two Tennessee assistant coaches are playing golf one afternoon during the SEC spring convention. On the first tee, one of the Vols slices his drive so badly the ball sails over to the fairway, striking Alabama coach Mike Dubose in the back of the head and knocking him out cold.
"This is awful!" the Tennessean screams to his buddy. "What should I do?"
The second Vol thinks deeply, then says, "Well, if it was me, I'd try bringing my left hand over and keeping my elbow locked."
* A talented running back from Mississippi accepts a scholarship offer from a Yankee college far above the Mason-Dixon line. Two weeks into fall practice, he's so homesick he can't stand it. The coach suggests he call home for support. The kid goes to the telephone and says to the operator, "I wanna call Mama in Oktibbeha, Mississippi."
"How do you spell that?" she asks.
"M-a-m-a."
"No, the city where you're calling -- how do you spell it?"
"Lady, if I knew how to do that, I'd just write Mama a letter."
* What does the average South Carolina player get on his SAT?
Drool.
* The University of Kentucky professor is giving a lecture on the supernatural and asks his class, "How many of you believe in ghosts?"
A number of students raise their hands.
"And how many have ever seen a ghost?"
Five or six hands go down.
"And how many have talked with a ghost?"
Another three or four hands go down.
"Has anyone made love to a ghost?"
All hands go down but one. They belong to a hulking Wildcat lineman.
"Very impressive," says the professor. "Would you mind sharing with the rest of the class what it's like to make love to a ghost?"
"A ghost?" the boy asks, wide-eyed. "Aw, hale, Prof, I thought you said a goat."
Two boys are playing football near Fayetteville, AR, when one of the boys is attacted by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence and strikes the dog in the head, killing it, and saving his friend's life. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.
"YOUNG RAZORBACK FAN SAVES FRIEND FROM VICIOUS ANIMAL," he starts to write in his notebook.
"But, I'm not a Razorback fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry," says the reporter, "since you live near Fayetteville, I just assumed you were." The reporter begins to write again.
"BRAVE ARKANSAS STATE FAN RESCUES FRIEND FROM HORRIFIC ATTACK..."
The boy replies, "I'm not an Arkansas State fan either."
"Oh. I assumed that everyone in Arkansas was either a Razorback fan or an Arkansas State fan. You must be a University of Central Arkansas fan." The reporter starts writing again.
"YOUNG UCA FAN SAVES FRIEND FROM MAD DOG."
The boy said, "I'm not a UCA fan either."
"Well if you are not for the U of A, A-State, or UCA, just what team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"Why, I'm an LSU fan!" the child replies.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook:
"LITTLE ILLITERATE COONASS BASTARD KILLS BELOVED FAMILY PET."