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Because These Jokes Isnt Easy To Get And Some Times You Wont Get What It Means...

UNDERGRADUATE classes I teach often involve long hours in the computer lab preparking lectures and assignments. One Saturday night, I noticed a student of mine working diligently at a computer terminal. I walked over to compliment him, but before I could speak, he said, "Hey, Mr.Carter, Check it out! I'm talking with some babes from Sweden on the Internet!"

One day, my two-year-old was having difficulty with his sitter, so I took him with me to class I was teaching. As I lectured he kept rubbing his hands over my ankles. Thoroughtly embarres, I apologized, explaining that my boy had just discovered pantyhose and was fasinated with them. One young man offered, "Don't feel bad, Dr.Sandora. Some of us still are."

My university has forbidden the use of celular phones during lectures and has introduced harsh penalties for offenders. One day, while we were being lectured by the Assosiate Dean, a phone started ringing. We glanced at each other, searching for owner of the phone. To our amusement, it turned out to be the Assosiate Dean's phone.

I was helping my daughter move into her dorm at university when her roommate showed up with her father and an amazing load of belongings to carry up to the third floor. As the last trunk was dropped next to her bed the roommate's father still huffing, looked his daughter in the eye. "If you need anything else while you're here," he advised,"rent it."

Things I wished I'd known before going to university:
1. My Student ID Photo would be worse than the one on my driver's license.
2. It wouldn't matter what time I scheduled my first class---I'd sleep right through it.
3. Suggest reading are usually mandatory.
4. You can know every thing fail a test.
5. You can know nothing and ace a test.

One day, I recall my mother from university to tell her how I was doing acadamically. I said that for my speech-communications class, I was preparing a report on prostitution. "I can easily modify the essay I did on it for a health class," I explained.
 "That's great, Honey," my mother replied. "Stick with something you know."

A Philosophy Professor lecturing on ethics gave the example of a man and woman dating each other exclusivly. In mid-sentance he stoped and said to the class, "Back in my day we called that 'going steady.' What do you call it now?"
 One guy called out,"Unusual."

Burgulars broke into a bank after hours and found a teller trying to balance his books. After forcing him to open the vault, they tied and gagged him.
Quickly tossing all the cash into duffel bag, they were about to leave when they heard noises through his gag. Curious, they loosened it and asked what he was trying to say. "Take my daily balance sheet too," he gasped. "I'm short $700."

While out golfing one day, a young couple watched in horror as a stray shot crashed through the window of a nearby house. Rushing up, they saw a handsome man in a turban.
"We're terribly sorry!"
the husband said.
"We'll pay for the damage," the wife added.
"Not at all," replied the man. "I am a genie, trapped for a thousand years until your golf ball came through the window and broke the botle that was my prison. Please allow me to grant whatever you wish."
The astonished couple asked to become scratch golfers. "It's done!" cried the genie, snapping his fingers. Then they asked to become rich. Clapping his hands, the genie said, "I have to set up a standing order to put $100,000 into your account every month for life."
"How can we ever repay you?" said the husband.
"There is one thing," replied the genie. "I have been imprisoned for a thousand years and i have forgotten what it is like to hold a woman in my arms. If you could spare your beautiful wife for a single night..." The husband and wife decided they could live with this.
After a night of passion, the young wife was about to rejoin her husband when the genie asked her age. "Twenty-nine," she replied.
"I see," he said and you still believe in genies?"

Three friends at the Pearly Gates at the same time. As part of their orientasion to heaven, St.Peters asks what kind of remarks they would most like to hear from their family and friends at their funerals.
"I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a good family man," said the first.
"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and that, during my carrer as a schoolteacher, I made a difference in many lives," chimed in the second fellow.
"Those both sound terific," replied the third, "but i'd like to hear them say,'Look! He's moving!'"

Question: What happens when a paranoid person has low selfesteem?
Answer: He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.

On a visit to the local theater, an eldery man asked for the admission prices.
"Balcony seat are $6 each, circle seats are $5 each, stalls are $4 each and the origrams are 50 cents, sir," replied the woman behind the ticket counter.
"Right," said the eldery man. "Give me a program and I'll sit on that."

Two university students their first date were discussing such intellectual ideas as extrasensory perception. "Would you call it mental telephy," the girl asked playfully, "if was thinking the same thing you are?"
"No," the boy eagerly replied. "I'd call it just plain lucky!"

to be continued on page 42