Thoughts on Marriage

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A wife said to her husband, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful
Thanks to Marge Behrendt and happy 40th Anniversary

Social Security

An old man went into the Social Security Office and filled out an application. He was too old to have a birth certificate, so he was asked to prove his age.  He opened his shirt and showed them the gray hair on his chest.  They accepted that as proof, and gave him his first check.He went home to his wife, showed her the check, and explained to her what had happened.  She replied, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can also get disability!"
Thanks to Lou Preston

The Moral of the Story

 One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story.  The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.  Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story.  Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.

Next is little Lucy.  "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.  Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Last is little Johnny.  "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory.  He jumped out before it crashed, grabbing a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.  On the way down he drank the case of beer.  Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.  He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.  The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands" Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.Johnny replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Thanks to Lou Preston

The Young Punk

A young punk climbs on a city bus.  The kid has spiked hair colored green, yellow and orange.  His clothing is a tattered mix of rags, and his legs are partially bare and he has no shoes on.  His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry, and his earrings are big, bright, yellow and adorned with colored feathers.  The young punk sits down in the only vacant seat, which happens to be directly across the aisle from an old man, who just glares at the kid for the next ten miles.  Finally, the self-conscious kid yells out at the old man, "What the hell are you looking at, you old fart?  Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"  Without so much as missing a beat, the old man replies, "Well, yes, I did.   Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot.  I was thinking that you might be my son."
Thanks to Lou Preston

Nah......She Didn't

Three women all work in the same office with the same female boss.   Every day, they noticed the boss left work early.  One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they'd be right behind her.  After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?  The brunette was thrilled to be home early.  She did a little gardening and went to bed early.  The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.  The blonde was happy happy happy to be home,but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly,quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!!  Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.  The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.  "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"
Thanks to Lou Preston

Bad? Menu

Stopping at a 'Joe's Place' one day for a quick lunch, I was given a menu that said ' You name it ....We got it'... Starting with a steak and finally down to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, each time I received a "We ain't got it" response.....I questioned the menu.....and the waitress said "that is true......yew just ain't named it yet"....

Bad? Dog

The little girl finally got her daddy to give in and let her take her doggy for a walk. "Well", said the father, "I'll let you take your doggy for a walk even though she is in heat, but I will have to mask the smell with some gasoline."

After some time the little girl comes home alone and the daddy asks, "Where is your doggy?" "Oh", replied the little girl, "she ran out of gas but a nice dog is behind her, pushing her up the street."
Thanks to Ken Payne

Researchers Baffled
The U.S. Navy Medical Corps has concluded an extensive pharmaceutical study in which an equal number of sailors and marines were administered weekly doses of Viagra.  Researchers are at a loss to explain why all of the sailors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, while the Marines simply grew taller.

We all know what a Birdie (1 under) and a Bogey (one over) are. Now there's a Lewinsky. Its when the shot lands three feet from the hole.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it!

I would like to apply fore a job as an editor of your paper. I halve a computer, and it has spellcheck, and it wood seam that this is awl I really knead.  I had originally intended too dew this last weak, but then I happened to reed my horoscope in The Times, and it said: "Put on the reigns before you lose control of everything. Of coarse, once I red this, I gnu it wood be better to weight four a more auspicious thyme.  Aye thought at first that maybe I should caul, but then I decided it mite be better to right. I truly believe that I would be a grate editor--know matter watt--rein or shine. Eye wood make accuracy inn spelling the mane ingredient of my editorial rain. Just to prove my hart is in the rite place, I maid sure this letter was perfect--I ran it threw Spellcheck.  I really due wont this job, and I no I could bee a reel asset, butt if yew don't higher mi, I won't whale.

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky (imagine a Yiddish accent), "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why vould you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right, 3 times..."
"3, hmmm, well when were they?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan...
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..."
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me....

So when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you...  Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well...."

"Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, oy vay, you must really love me darling...

So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation.... And you were 47 votes short...."

What does a sperm cell and a lawyer have in common?  They both have about a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

Gennifer Flowers was asked recently if her sexual relationship with Bill Clinton was similar to the one he had with Monica Lewinsky. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

Reading the Starr Report has actually increased my belief in the President's honesty.
Only a man who would get a blow-job and not cum, would smoke pot and not inhale.

Clinton's first thought when reading Starr's report: "Imagine how much worse it could have been had they discovered that the cigar was a Havana."

I was talking with some friends about what Clinton might do if he's asked to pay the $44 million in legal fees racked up during this scandal, then we hit on it: Auction the Cigar.

In light of the recent presidential scandal, I've come up with an idea for a new brand of cigar featuring an irregularly shaped end: The "El Presidente" - Ribbed for her pleasure.

Pilot squawked: Evidence of oil leakage in engine.
Mechanic answered: Evidence removed.

Pilot to Tower: "Gillispie Tower, I am a student pilot. I am low on fuel please advise."
Tower to Pilot: "Don't panic, we can help you. Can you see the airport?"
Pilot to Tower: "Of course, I'm at the end of the runway, can you direct me to the fuel pumps?"

Definition of "Jet Lag" -- finding your wallet in the refrigerator and not remembering what you did with the milk.

What's the difference between God and pilots?  God doesn't think he's a pilot.
Thanks to Marge Behrendt (Student Pilot).

During the recent internet publicity, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.  "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.  "Will I be acquitted?"