Husband (returning late from work) :"Hi dear. I'm now logged in" Wife:Have you brought the grocery? Husband: Bad command or file name. Wife: But I told you in the morning? Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort, Retry, Cancel? Wife: What about new TV? Husband: Variable not found. Wife: At least give me your credit card. I need to do some shopping Husband: Sharing violation. Access denied. Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband: data type mismatch. Wife: You are useless Husband: By default. Wife: What about your salary: Husband: File in use. Try after some time. Wife: Who was in the car this morning? Husband: System is unstable. Press ALT + CRTL +DEL to reboot. Wife: are you going to have some wine? Husband: File system full. Wife: What is the relation between you and your receptionist? Husband: only user with WRITE permission. Wife: What is my value in this family? Husband: Unknown virus. Wife: Do you love me or your computer or your being just funny? Husband: Too many parametersCatch you soon * puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind. * gets stabbed in a shoot-out.* sends a fax with a postage stamp on it. * tries to drown a fish in waters.* thinks socialism means partying. * trips over a cordless phone.* takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. * At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts "Sagittarius."* studies for a blood test and fails. * sells the car for gas money. * misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead. * drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home. * gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.* * * * * * Q: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" Sardar: "No,who wrote it?"* * * * * * Sardar ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."* * * * * Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?Because below 18 was not allowed.* * * * * * How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence? Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear* * * * * * What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you? Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.* * * * * * How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?Tell him a joke on Wednesday. * * * * * *What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?Trying to hold on to a thought.* * * * * * Why do Sardars work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.* * * * * * Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?They always forget the recipe.* * * * * * How did the Sardar try to kill the bird? He threw itoff a cliff.* * * * * * What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?A wind tunnel.* * * * * * What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?The back of his head. * * * * * *What do you do when a Sardar throws a handgrenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.* * * * * * What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!). * * * * * *What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?Just-one Singh. * * * * * *Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.* * * * * * Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?Toes Go In First.* * * * * * How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?It has a stamp on it.* * * * * * Why can't Sardar dial 911?They can not find the eleven on the phone How do you get Sardar on the roofTell him the drinks are on the house.* * * * * "Oh, loo at the dead bird."Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where? * * * * * *What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them.* * * * * * Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman asopposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.* * * * * *TO LOOSE WEIGHT... The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem."What's the problem?"asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home."* * * * * *ANOTHER COUNT! Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees aman jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and findout. He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...* * * * * *EMPLOYMENT? Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary Expected : He was not sure as to what to befilled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes* * * * *AT INDO-PAK WAR Once in the Indo Pakistan war, Pakistan was fighting fiercely and capturing everything in sight. A sikh camp called Gurudwara hideout was crucial to defend from the pakistanis as it contained all the defence secrets. The pakistani forces surrounded the base and the sikhs had thought that they had lost the battle but, suddenly out of the bushes jumps Cptn. Hari Singh wearing a Maachar dani!(mosquito net). He Pulls out his AK-47 rifle and fires like mad. The pakistanis run off quickly. The next day Hari Singh gets amedal. His freinds ask him "Yaar thu maachar daani kyon pehenkegayatha" Hari Singh replies "Maachar daani itni patli hote hain ki agar maachar nahin ghus sakte, goli kahan se ghussenghi? In the following war Hari Singh retires and his son Gan Singh (No Assumptions Please!) joins the army. Pakistanis are again surrounding the Gurudwara hideout, the sikhsagain thin they've lost the war but out of the bushes eruptsGani Singh wearning nothing he tries do shoo away the pakistanis like his father did but instead gets shot. In the hospital his friends tell him "aare yaar, therre bap me tho itni akal thi ki vo maachar daani pehin ke gaya tha, aur tununga chale gaya"! Gani Singh replies "aare yaar main tho odomos lageke gaya tha"!* * * * * * HEIGHTS OF REVENGETalking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time he tries to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn." He getsvery irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts singing alullab and says "so ja machchar, bete so ja". After some time hefinds the mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says "Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."* * * * * * DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDESanta Singh and Banta Singh laded up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Are Banta Singh! What the heck's goin' on? Whyareyou so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?" Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.* "* * * * * * CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHARsardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air- india plane.He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat onthe window side seat which was actually for an old lady. After some time the old lady came and requested thesardarji to leave the side seat.But the sardaji told: "I want to see the view from the windowand shall not leave". The old lady then complained to the air hostess. The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not leave. Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain. Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji, and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt. what he told to the sardarji. Capt. replied: "nothing. I just told him that onlythemiddle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go toJalandhar."* * * * * * KHALISTAN JOKESKhalistan National Drink: Sarbat Khalsa. Khalistan National Bird: Tandoori Chicken.International Airline: Kitthe Pacific. National Airline: Itthe Pacific.National Anthem: Sten-a gun-a man-a .......... National Taxi Service: Kar Seva.National song: Bande marte hum. Female terrorist: Hard Kaur.National dish: AKALI-DAAL. Sikh scuba diver: JULL-UNDER SINGH. Better adapted sikh diver: JULLUNDER SINGH GILL.COLOR TVSardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have color TVs?""Sure.""Give me a green one, please."* * * * * * CROCODILE BOOTSSardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring mea pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefeet!"* * * * * *LONG FLIGHT Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly toAmritsar?" "Just a sec," comes an answer."Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up! * * * * *TRAIN TO LUDHIANA Sardars Hari Singh and ani Singh are in a railwaystation. Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this traintoLudhiana?" "No," answers the Railway man."Can I?" asks Gani Singh > > >Corporate Lessons> > >=================> > >> > >Lesson number one > > >-----------------> > > > > >A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A smallrabbit saw > > >the> > >crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing >allday> > >long?"> > > > > >The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on theground > > >below> > >the crow, and rested.> > > > > >All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.> > > > > >Moral of the story is: > > >To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, veryhigh up. > > >> > >> > >Lesson number two> > >-----------------> > > > > >A turkey was chatting with a bull.> > > > > >"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighedthe > > >turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."> > > > > >"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the > > >bull. "They're packed with nutrients."> > > > > >The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actuallygave him > > >enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.> > > > > >The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the secondbranch. > > >> > >Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the >topof > > >the> > >tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out> > >of> > >the tree.> > >> > >Moral of the story: > > >Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.> > >> > > >> > >Lesson number three> > >-------------------> > > > > >When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.> > > > > >The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the wholebody's > > >responses and functions."> > > > > >The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about andget > > >him> > >to where he wants to go."> > > > > >The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the workand > > >earn> > >all the money."> > > > > >And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyesuntil > > >finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea ofthe > > >asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blockeditself up > > >and> > >refused to work.> > > > > >Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched,the > > >feet> > >twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the >brainfevered. > > >> > >Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss,so >the> > >motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while theBoss > > >just> > >sat and passed out the shit!> > >> > >Moral of the story: > > >You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.> > >> > > Pakistani Jokes ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ How do you save a drowning Pakistani? Take your foot off his head! Pakistan just got their new Chineses fighter planes and sent a squadron of pilots there for training. "Ok, this one is easy to fly", said the Chinese trainer, "even you fools should be able to operate it! You press this button to go up, this one to go left and this one for turning right!" "But how do we come down?" asked Capt. Arfath Pasha. "Oh," said the Chinese "leave that to the Indian Air Force!" This Sardar taxi driver in New York would amuse himself by running over Pakistanis he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a Pakistani walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the Sardar could distinguish the Pakistanis from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left...) One day, as the taxi driver was driving along he saw a priest looking for a ride. He pulled the taxi over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll get you there. Get in." The happy priest climbed in and the taxi driver continued down the road. Suddenly the Sardar saw a Pakistani walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the car with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the Paki. However even though he was certain he missed the Paki, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that Pakistani" "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!" A brain tumor patient with end-stage disease was informed that he needed an immediate brain transplant operation. The surgeon told him, "You can have an Indian brain for $10,000 dollars or an American's for $25,000 dollars or I can give you 10 gms. of a Paki's brain for $100,000 dollars." The patient asked,"Why is the Paki’s brain so much more expensive than the others?" "Well," replied the surgeon, "we have to go through a lot of Pakistanis to find 10 gms of brain." What do Pakistanis in London use for contracepives? Their personalities! A big Sardar walked into a bar with his pet tiger on a leash and asked the bartender, "Do you serve Pakistanis here?". "Sure we do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the Sardar. "Give me a beer, and one Pakistani for my tiger." A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a Pakistani and an intelligent man.'" Ashraf, the Pakistani went to London's Heathrow airport to buy his ticket back home to Rawalpindi. At the counter he found that he was 10pence short of the fare. Having no other way out, he turned to all the other passengers and begged.." Will someone please give me 10 pence? I badly want to go back and meet my Abba and Ammi again!" "Here" said a Sardar, reaching into his wallet and handing him one Pound "..keep the change and take nine of your country men with you!" For three years, the young Pakistani had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a Pakistani." At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to Pakistanis for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that Pakistanis are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings." A Russian, a Cuban, an Britisher and a Pakistani are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have most of the cigars of the world: Havana, nowhere in the world there is so many cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the Britisher just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Pakistani through it... Pakistani military researchers have recently ordered for the enlargement of the hatches on tanks and other armoured vehicles. This is so they can be more easily abandoned in enemy territory. Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes ? Neither has Pakistan. Did you hear about the Fighter jet which crashed into a cemetery in Karachi ? The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 3000 bodies. The body of the pilot is yet to be found. Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library ? Somebody stole the book. A Paki news editor got 20 years in prison for calling the Prime Minister a fool. 5 years for the scandal and 15 for revealing a state secret ! An insect falls into a mug of beer.... Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.. Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer. Relates the issue to Kashmir. Asks the Chinese for Military aid. Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer. How do you stop a Pakistani tank ? Shoot the men who are pushing it. How do you disable a Pakistani tank ? Hide the wind-up key. How do you disable Pakistani missiles ? Cut the rubber band Scene: trench warfare on Pakistan border, Sikh regiment on one side,suddenly Kartar Singh gets a bright idea, shouts! "Oye Abdul!" Guy pops up from other trench "Kya hai be" BANG! He's shot dead! "Oye Karim" 2 guys stand up, "Kya hai saala" BANG BANG both are killed! "Oye Mustafa!" 2 more, BANG-BANG! Another two down! Pakis get worried, they think saala Sardarji log, when did they get so smart? Decide to try it themselves. "Abe Gurdev Singh" silence "Oye Gurdev Singh!!" silence "O bhai, Gurdev Singh!" "Oye Gurdev Singh ko kaun bula rahahai re?" Paki gets up, "It's me,Ashraf!" BANG! 1) Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else? Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday. 2) Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon? Pupil: The moon. Teacher: Why? Pupil: The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun give us light only in the day time when we dont' need it. 3) Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Pupil: A teacher. 4) Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colours do you have? 5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs. 6) Teacher: Sam, you talk a lot. Sam: It's a family tradition. Teacher: What do you mean? Sam: Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher. Teacher: What about your mother? Sam: She's a woman. 7) Tarun: How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed? Dinesh: You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated. 8) Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing? Student: Brotherly love. 9) Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. 10) Patient: What are the chances of my recovering, doctor? Doctor: One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died. When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute. Too bad they missed. ------------------------------------------------------- Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children are enough! ------------------------------------------------------- Are you coming for my 18th birthday party? No, I went for that five years ago. ------------------------------------------------------- No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening. ------------------------------------------------------- Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. ------------------------------------------------------- Your future depends on your dreams So go to sleep ! ------------------------------------------------------- ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY So what ? Who*s in a hurry ? ------------------------------------------------------- Work fascinates me I can look at it for hours ! ------------------------------------------------------- God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends ------------------------------------------------------- Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop ------------------------------------------------------- A good discussion is like a miniskirt; Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject ------------------------------------------------------- Children in backseats cause accidents; Accidents in backseats cause children ! ------------------------------------------------------- A girl is like a road; the more curves she has the more dangerous she is !------------------------------------------------------- A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place and shouts Why are you crossing here? Cant you see a zebra crossing there The guy replies Let the zebra cross. What can I do ------------------------------------------------------- Do you know of a fellow who parked his car in front of board which said FINE FOR PARKING ------------------------------------------------------- A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you*ve been brought here for drinking. Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started? ------------------------------------------------------- Can you do anything that other people can*t? Sure, I can read my handwriting. ------------------------------------------------------- Whom are you working for? Same people. My wife and four kids. ---------------------------------------------------- I heard you have a cat that can say her own name. Yes. Meow. -------------------------------------------------- Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different. -------------------------------------------- What book do you like the best? My husband*s cheque book.