On the day when everybody is supposed to be celebrating all the love in their life, how many of us actually have someone to spend this horrible day with. In the words of Patrick Rohe, "i proposed that we petition to have this horrible day taken off our calendar"! This day isn't even good enough to get off of work or school so I ask you what the point is of this stupid day.
Anyway,
what did I do yesterday? I woke up
in the morning and thought that the day was going to be one of the worst ever.
When I was in school I didn’t notice that I never had someone to be
with on that special day. It sucked
but I never noticed it anyway so there was no problem. Now this year I found myself waking up alone and with no
prospective for the day. For you
that know me “well”, you will know who that perspective was but for you that
don’t, I’m not going to reveal the juicy details until you prove that you
are actually reading these episodes.
The
morning went on as I felt horrible that I didn’t have a significant other.
Then the day started to look up when I had to go to a job interview.
And while I’m talking about jobs, do you all know how crappy it is to
have to get a job. In the semi-city
here, by the time that you find out about a job, the employer has already gotten
a dozen applications or the position is already filled.
So anyway the lady at Pier One, which is such a cool store, was really
awesome and said that she could offer it to me once she took the time to check
out my references. So life is
starting to look a little bit happier.
I
then put together a present for Amy Campbell because she is a sexy bitch and now
she is as old as me. Yes that’s
right, the big 2-0. It’s so cool
to be older than most of your friends but of course it sucks to not be 21 yet. Stupid alcohol addiction.
Anyway, Amy is so funny and so cool.
I don’t meet that many people that can keep me laughing for as long as
she does. If you see her around you
should give her a big hug and say HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEXY LADY.
That would be very cool.
After
that I had the pleasure of getting a new black coat.
The clubbing coat of course. Everyone
needs a black coat so they can look like they are in a fraternity. And now I have one also.
I love it so much even though it’s not Structure.
I actually got it in The Rack. If
you don’t know, it’s in the basement of Nordstrom’s.
everything is on sale and they have leather coats and stuff for only
$249. Yeah, there not all good deals but mine was under a hundred
dollars. Kinda cheap if you know
how I spend money.
After that I came home and went over to visit Amy and give her the
present which included a Jen Kostick originally made *NSYNC CD.
Jen is an awesome girl also…though it seems like I piss her off a lot
but then who don’t I piss off all the time?
While I was over at her room in Richmond, the center of the drama
universe, I heard in the distance the rumble of the slow ass elevator.
Then Carole Quigley and Dan something or other, that sounds like a polish
name, appeared. I thought I had
smelled whore and sure enough it was them.
If you know who they are then you know that they are like unstoppably
smart and between the two of them know the answer to any question that you could
ask. Carole had one of the best
tastes in music and fashion and people that I know.
She is one of the Goddesses that I devote life to.
And Dan, well he’s like twenty something but looks like a kid stuck in
an adult’s body. Which is so cool
cause I know when I get older I’m going to look old.
Cause we all know that nothing on this body is natural anymore and
chemicals will only keep me attractive for so long. So if you’re going to have sex with me, you need to do it
really soon cause I won’t be in the game very long.
I don’t even know if I will have anything left for Patty when we get
married in 2025. If you need to
know the exact date, I’m sure that she has pinpointed it.
Patty Humm is also one of those chics that everybody wants to sleep
with and we all know it but for moral issues I’m an “Educated Virgin”
instead of a whore now. And if you
call me a whore I will have to kick you ass into next year. I sent out valentine’s cards to all my lovers and they all
wrote back which was so upsetting cause I know that they are trying to play with
my heart but I can’t let that happen again.
I will have sex soon but it’s going to be with someone special.
I ended the day with a little light drinking…well Brian Walters, my
roommate, would say differently but I was still able to tell people what was
pissing me off and know that Courtney is one sexy bitch so I couldn’t have
been that bad. Courtney Somers, I
think that’s how you spell that, is one of the cutest girls.
She is so sweet and loveable and then you piss her off and she goes
ballistic off the wall. That’s a sexy woman if you ask me. If they don’t have a little bite to them, I don’t want
them. So don’t piss her off or
she will attack you with her vibrating Garfield and dead hippo pose…and we all
know that that is your sex toy Courtney and yes I know that you are reading this
and that you will go ballistic on me for telling the world but there is nothing
wrong with a little self-pleasure.
So the night ended with me passing out on the couch and waking up
today with one of the worse hangovers that I have ever had.
If you don’t know, I was drinking Golden Grain which is 190 proof and
for you non-alcoholics, that’s 95%
alcohol…any stronger and it would be like rubbing alcohol.
It’s some good shit and you need to party with that stuff cause it
messes you up and that’s cool. Yes,
this is me telling you to be an alcoholic and a whore.
I know it’s not for everyone.
So that was my night and there are many better stories to come later
but you will have to come to my website to get them soon.
Yes it will be a site devoted to Lance but you will have to put up with
that if you want to read the juicy details of my life.
Write back to me and tell me if you like to keep getting this or if you
think I’m an ass and you never want to hear from me again.
And I would advice you to keep reading these cause one day soon, you will
be one of the topics and you won’t want everybody reading about you and not
knowing what I said about you. No
holds barred in this series so everything that happens to me is fair game.
Have fun until the next episode.