Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something...but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck!"
The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well dressed and well spoken.
The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking. So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off."
"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the desk.
The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up - ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multi-colored ones, every variety imaginable. "Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two aspirin, swallowed them, and sure enough the wink went away in less than a minute.
"So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company represented by some wild womanizer."
"No fear. I'm a happily married man."
"So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?"
"It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him earnestly. "Have you ever gone into a drug store, winking like crazy, and asked for a box of aspirin?"
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unforutnately, the little was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, they invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby, so his dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the nerghbors. He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby."
The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see good?"
The mother said, "Why yes, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."
Little Johnny said, "Well, its a darn good thing cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!"
Little Jonny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles.
The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing.
Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world."
The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a prignant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"
Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's butt, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."
"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. They decided to have fun with the man.
One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a girly-man."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that," said the Irishman.
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a girly-man, and he didn't care."
The second Englishman remarked, "you just don't know how to set him off ... watch and learn."
So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyoun belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off ... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah," said the Irishman, "that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
Fred got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervoulsy knocked on his blind dates door. She opened it and to his amazement and joy, was as lovely and sweet as his friend Michael had promised.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Ginger while you're waiting? She does wonderful tricks. She'll roll over, shake hands, sit up and if you make a hoop with your arms, like this, she'll jump through."
The dog followed Fred out onto the balcony and started rolling over. Fred made a hoop with his arms and sure enough, Ginger jumped right through--and over the balcony railing...
Just then Fred's date walked out. "Isn't little Ginger the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the truth," he replied, "she seemed a little depressed to me."
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instructon of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a single drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring agout this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" predending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her finger with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Mommy," she said, "where's my booger?"
