A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn flakes every morning.
The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A very flat-chested woman finall decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie. "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtly replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted.
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would ren a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Before Linda became engaged, whe was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too: "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." she told him.
"Really"? asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"
Height of Patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.
Height of Frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence: A teenage girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, you finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with a zipper.
Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itching.
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.
The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner" said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want.
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Ok, first, I'd lide to have a face like Clark Gable, then I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like this here horse I'm ridding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I was riding the mare!"
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row.
She was wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else had left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sterness voice, "Just waht do you mean coming to church dressed like that?"
"Why reverend," the young thing replied. "All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put thier heads on my breasts."
"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her breasts. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angel singing!"
"Of course not, reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."