The following are real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school:
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people I do."
Q: When driving through a fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country.
One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows.
He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.
He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd ssure like to be doing what that bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you?" Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."
Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas. and the other from Oregon are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins. The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."
The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"
The Oregon cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
A man returned home from the night-shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.
Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as her hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh, my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say anything?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"
Three third graders, a Jew, an Italian, and a redneck kid are on the playground at recess.
The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay," they all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the redneck kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth.
The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and durnig recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a redneck. Is that true, Mom?"
The Mom replies, "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
A guy walks into a bar in Texas and orders a white wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animal."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
When the first grade class came in from recss, the teacher asked, "Alice Smith, what did you do at recess?"
Alice said, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher said, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Alice did, and got a cookie. The teacher asked Billy what he did a tecess. Billy Johnson said, "I played with Alice in the sand box."
The teacher said, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy did, and got a cookie, too.
The teacher then asked little Tyrone Kabali what he did at recess. Tyrone said, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher said, "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
An old European Monastery is perched high on a 500-foot cliff. Visitors ride up in a big basket, pulled to the top with a ragged old rope.
Halfway up, a passenger nervously asked: "How often do you change the rope?"
The monk in charge replied, "Whenever the old on breaks."
A little old lady had two monkeys for years.
One day one of them died of natural causes.
In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later.
Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.
After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing.
The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing.
He says, "Little Johnny, what are you doing sitting here laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out."
The principle says, "Well then, why are you laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart and they put me outside in this beautiful weather."
