Two finalists were selected for the National Poetry Contest last year. One was a Duke University Law School Graduate from Boston, Massachusets. The other was a redneck from Oregon State University who came from Alses, Oregon.
Each finalist had to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less which had to contain the word 'Timbuktu'.
The Duke University student went first. Thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:
The audience went wild! How, they wondered could the redneck top that?
The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited the following:
There are two investors sitting by the TV after thanksgiving dinner with their redneck cousin talking about what they each got their wife for Christmas.
The first investor says, "I got my wife a BMW, and a diamond pennant. That way if she doesn't like the car, she can wear the pendant around and be happy."
The second investor says, "I got MY wife a trip to the Bahama's, and a string of pearls. That way if she doesn't like the trip to the Bahama's, she can put on her pearls and be happy."
They both look at their redneck cousin who then disclosed, "I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. That way if she doesn't like the t-shirt, she can go screw herself."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
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A passenger on a cruise ship spotted a bearded man on a small island. The bearded man shouting and desperately waving his arms in the air. The passenger went to the ship's captain and asked, "Who is that man?" The captain replied, "Beats me, but every year when we sail past, he goes completely nuts." |
A guy walks into a bar and asks what the specials for the day are.
"Yes," replies the bartender, "we mix Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."
"What do you call it?" the man asks.
"Well," says the bartender, "we call it a 'Pabst Smir'."
A man goes to a train station to visit a friend in Pittsburgh. He gets to the ticket window where the agent is a busty woman, and stammers, "I want a picket to titsburg, uh, uh, I mean a ticket to Pittsburgh, sorry."
The agent says, "Don't worry, I get that all the time."
Later at hes friend's house, the man tells the story of his mistake.
His friends says, "That's called a Freudian slip. It happens all the time and nobody minds. Why, just last night I was having dinner with my wife. I meant to say pass the salt, but instead it came out as 'you freakin bimbo you ruined my life!'"
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded bab?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying a half mast?
A: They're hiring.
Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they'te not going to work in the future, either.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi.
A: He walks aroung saying, "Yo"
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
Q: Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: What's the Cuban National anthem?
A: Row, Row, Row Your Boat
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
It's okay daddy, I'm not hurt.
What job function does a blonde have in a M&M factory?
Proofreading.
Why did they stop doing the wave at 'FSU'?
The blondes were drowning.
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A widow.
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.
Why do all blondes have a dimple on their chin a flat forehead?
(Finger on chin) "Duh, I don't know." (hits forehead) "Oh, I get it!"
What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.
How does a blonde kill fish?
She drowns it.
What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
She was truing to make up her mind.
What did the blonde do when she broke her tupperware?
Called the plastic surgeon.
Gun Shop Owner: "Hi. How can I help you?"
Redneck: "I'm lookin' fer a gun."
Owner: "What kind of gun are you looking for?"
Redneck: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case) "That one looks about right."
Owner: (very surprised) "Why do you need a .44 Magnum?"
Redneck: "It's fer shootin' at cans."
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun) "Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans."
Redneck: (pointing at the .44) "Nah, I need this one."
Owner: "Damn, what kinda cans are you shooting?"
Redneck: "Mexi-cans. Puerto Ri-cans."
