An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says... And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said upto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable(UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But his success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, on Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"Whoopee!" said Abraham.
"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.
A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets rippping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He sloshes through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones.
"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."
"Crap! There's no such place!"
The guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes, it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"
A gang member was holding his eight-month old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch.
The baby murmured 'mother'. The gang memeber Dad gets all excited and hollers to his wife, "Hey, Bitch! The baby just said half a word!"
Things you need to know if your kid wants to quit school and become a rock star:
What do you call a guitar player who breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless
What's the difference between a rock musician and a 16-inch pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.
What's the definition of an optimist? A rock musician with a mortage.
How do you define perfect pitch? It is when you throw your kid's guitar into the dumpster and it lands right on top of his amplifier.
A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy says, "Well, yes I am. But if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you have asked me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you have asked me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you have asked if I was Mexican?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
The guy says, "WELL, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for polish sausage?"
The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store."
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
She hates sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five year old can do it.
Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
Why is a government worker like a shotgun with abroken firing pin? It won't work and you can't fire it.
I'm so depressed. I went to the Doctor today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flag pole on a condemned building.
A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to seee how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said. "Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."
What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: the American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't wach the ending.
Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wristler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
"So!" the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"
"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
Sam and Bessie are in their 70's and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes.
Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
Bessie responds, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out naked, just wearing the new shoes. Again he asks, "So, Bessie, do you notice anything?"
Bessie again responds, "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow." Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know WHY it's hanging down? Because it's looking at my new shoes? THAT's why it's hanging down!"
Bessie replies, "You should have bought a new hat!"
