A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it."
"At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the bronze rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars, all following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now. Not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve plocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he con throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer."
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered ove the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shlf he tell her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, tough, and don't take crap off anybody!"
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women thet way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?"
The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination aganist not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of Humor."
Flustered, the ventruloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." The man rushes home to grab everything.
He hugs his wife, apologis for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife alks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great ... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."His wife smiles and says. "Oh, no I didn't ... I put them in your tackle box."
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. Since he didn't have a lighter, he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do." the friend replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
"WOW!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"
"I hot it from my genie."
"You have a genie?"
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." He open his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes, I will," the genie said. So the guy asks for a million bucks and the ginie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standimg there waiting. suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
"He's hard of hearing," the friend says. "Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch BIC."
The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some students to tell a brief story about summer vacation. Several students eagerly reised their hands, including Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Alice to tell a story. "We took atrip to the Grand Canyon during vacation," Alice said. "We rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was fun."
The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly raised their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to call on Little Johnny because he swore a lot in last years classroom. The teacher chose Fred to tell a story. "my Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We stopped at a small pond. I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest trout we'd ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it was great!" Fred reported.
"That's nice, Fred, now how about another volunteer." Several students were waving their hands.
The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and wanted to give him another chance, so she chose him.
"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip," said Little Johnny. "We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Cad aimed an shot it right in the asshole."
The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum," she said.
"Wrecked 'im? You bet it wrecked 'im ... Shot his balls clean off."
ANSWER: "One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!
WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.
THE HOUSE! Yeah, let's talk about THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?"
