A drunk gets up from the baar and heads for the washroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream could be heard coming from the men's room. About sixty seconds go by and another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender rushes to the washroom to investigate ... and yells through the door at the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
The drunk shouts back at the bartender, "I'm just sitting on the toilet and every time I try to flush, some thing comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.
she decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen infear, staring straight ahead at the riad and clutching the seats in front of them. They all had white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he told them. To the first one he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why you've even named your daughter Candy."
The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's, Penny."
At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with on of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward, "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the jpb prospect. "let me tell you something about being honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impessive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
The Pentagon recently discovered it had too mamy generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promise any gereral who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hand to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizled old Marien, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two general had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert saik that would be fine but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the genersl to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietman."
Two little bous were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, "My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings."
The Little Johnny, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad can blow smoke out of his ass."
"Really, have you seen it?" reply the boys.
Little Johnny responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains in his underwear."
A dating Amish couple, Elizabeth and Eli, are riding down the road in their buggy. It's mid-January and very cold.
Elizabeth says to Eli, "My feet are frozen solid." Eli says, "Well, put them in my lap. I'll rub them and warm up."
Elizabeth does so and after a while she asks, "Eli, what's that hard thing in your pants?" Eli answers, "That's my penis, it's frozen solid. Maybe you can rub it and warm it up?"
The next morning Elizabeth comes down for breakfast and asks her mother, "Ma, what do you know about penises?"
Her mother retorts, "I don't know, what do YOU know about penises?"
Elizabeth replies, "I know one thing, they sure are messy when they melt!"
A wife went in to see her therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is. In fact, you could take it as a compliment!"
"Yeah, I guess so," she complained, "but it almost always wakes me up!"
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon.
While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks with a sly grin, "What are they doing honey?" The husbands answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" while trying to hide her dnowing expression.
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing, honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each other body. The bride discovers her husbands penis. "What is that?" she asks. "That's my rope," he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks. "They're my knots," he answers.
Finall the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute?" Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?" "No," the bride replies, "undo those knots. I need more rope."
