The preacher rose with a red face.
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued. "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a gorgeous blonde rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
A man drove all night long. Upon arriving in a small community, he decided to stop in the local park and catch some shuteye.
Just as he dozed off. there was a knock on the window. Wotside the car, the man saw a jogger. "Excuse me, can you give me the time?"
"Yeah, it's 6:27."
The man settled back and was almost asleep when there was another knock on the window. Another jogger, "I'm sorry to disturb you. Do you have the time?"
"Yeah, it's 6:34." The man rolled up the window and realized this could go on indefinitely. So he took paper and pen and made a sign which read: "I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME"
He stuck the sign in the window and again nestled himself back in the seat.
Then ... Yet another tap on the window. The man looked and sure enough, another jogger.
He disgustedly rolled down the window and said, "Yeah, what is it?" The jogger replied, "It's 6:42"
The daycare teacher held up a picture and asked, "What's this?"
"A horsy," one child answered.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy," replied another youngster.
"And now this one?" asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack.
There was no answer, only total silence.
"Come now children," she coaxed. "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" said one little girl. "It's a horny bastard."
The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use.
So I stood to the side to politely want until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.
Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word.
Two minutes later, he was still not talking. Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I told the man that I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.
"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver ... "I'm talking to my wife."
Bernie was invited to his frien's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife be endearing terms, calling her Honey ... My Love ... Darling ... Sweetheart ... Pumpkim, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered, "Well, about five years ago I accedentally called her by the name of my previous wife and she beaned me with the frying pan. Since then, I can't remember the names of either one of them."
Joint Checking Account; A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.
Miss; Atitle with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the mardet.
Mistress; Somethin between a mister and a mattress.
Mother-in-law; A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mrs.; A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
Spouse; Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
Wife; A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to war at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
A newsboy was stanking on the corner with a stack of papers. yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swendled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around.
"I told you I haven't hot any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check."
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly, the horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. The horse yells at the chicken to ho and get the farmer to help him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So, the chicken gets into the farmer's Mercedes and drives it as fast as possible back to the mud hole.
Wasting no time, the chicken ties a rope around the bumper, and then tosses the other end of the rope to the horse. As the horse hangs on for dear life, the chicken drives the car forward, and saves the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again. This time, the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to hurry and get the farmer, or the farmer's mercedes.
The horse then says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the mud hole!"
So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says to the chicken, "Reach up and grab my 'thingy', and pull yourself up!!!"
And the chicken did so, and pulled herself up to safety.
The Moral of the Story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
