One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging , violent river.
They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big strong arms and legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof? God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And , Poof! God turned him into a woman. He looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our. My mother buys all of out food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt boutht us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed,' he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or No."
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "instruction manuals".
A guy took a blonde out on a date one night. Eventually they ended up parked at 'lovers point' where they started making out.
After things started to progress, the guy thought he might get lucky. After a few more minutes of fooling around, he asked his date, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"
"NO!" she answered. Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off and the windows are steamed. Things are getting really hot, so he asks again. "Do you want to get into the back seat?"
"NO!' she answers again. Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again.
"NO!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not?"
"Because," she answers, "I want to stay up here with you!"
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in on week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed. "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river - look, my suit's still damp - ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better that that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures,, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump them?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about siz-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?" I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared."
"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your butt."
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first..."
Bill and Hillary Clinton were the guests of honor at the World Marching Girl and Drum Majorette Championships in New York.
Hillary noticed that Bill had a smile on his face, so she asked, "Well honey, what are you smiling at?"
Bill Replied, "Honey, if I had another inch, I'd be out there making love to the lot of them."
A big smile came across Hillary's face. Bill asked, "What are you smiling about?"
Hillary replied, "Bill, if you had one inch less, you'd be out there marching with them."
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting colser, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote: "Returned unopened"
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna git hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobies, too."
