Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bracely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thimking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance ... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well, Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. "What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in ter arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was sixteen. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the wxpression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said,"Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Jack says to Betty, "Betty, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Betty replies, "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? you don't want to ask that question.."
"Yes Betty, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. so, when was munber 2?"
"Well Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty. you should do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well Jack, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
HER STORY:
"He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn't say anything much about it. He seemed silent, distracted and his only eye contact seemed judgmental. I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the color. Maybe I should never wear this color again either.
"The conversation was so slow going so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. He didn't really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet, little restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and i'm trying to cheer him up, be witty and tell cute stories, but I start to wonder whether it's me or something else.
"He doesn't smile much, so I ask him, but he says no. But you know, I'm not really sure. I wonder and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now.
"Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me, but doesn't squeeze. I don't know what the hell this all means or what I should think because you know, he doesn't say it back or do anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and plays with the remote control. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seems really, really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leavel. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?"
HIS STORY:
"Bad day at work. Really tired. Got laid, though."
A man walked into a Walmart and the Greeter said, "Automotive, aisle 15."
The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."
The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?"
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5."
The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."
The Greeter said, "Damn, I missed it by an inch!"
A Jewish woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband dies. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone.The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."
An 83 year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age ... but tell me ... do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute ... I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went out to the reception room and said, "Jake, do we still have intercourse?"
Jake answered impatiently, "If I told you ONCE, I told you a thousand times, we have BLUE CROSS!!"
