All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge, " said the stomach, " because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge" said the legs, " because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
You don't have to be important to be in charge.... Just an asshole!
One night, as a couple laid down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a Gynecologist appointment tomorrow."
The husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. Later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"
Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act. Before his dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Daddy agreed. Johnny hopped on and Daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping.
Johnny cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
First, the Assignment:
English 44A
California State University, Hayward
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the
first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first paragraph then add another paragraph to the story. The first
person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Lisa starts:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at
home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier
times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all
costs, keep her mind off Carl . His possessiveness was suffocating,
and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting
up again. So camomile was out of the question.
Dave:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed
out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.
The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across the cockpit.
Lisa:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space
Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news
simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her
from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"
she pondered wistfully.
Dave:
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.
Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships
were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan.The lithium fusion missile
entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie
and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist
on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that
treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
Lisa:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate
adolescent.
Dave:
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Lisa:
Asshole.
Dave:
Bitch.
