Twin brothers were born. As they grew up, one took the path of least resistance, and did not live a very good life. He drank, gambled, cheated on his wife, stole, embezzled-you name it. Of course, because of his lifestyle, he did not live to be very old.
Years and years later, the other twin-who had lead an exemplary-died with his loved ones by his side at the ripe old age of 89.
So when he got to heaven, St. Peter asked him if he had any requests. He said to St. Peter, "Look, I know my twin brother didn't lead a good life, but he was my brother, and if it's okay with you, I'd really like to take one last look at him."
"Certainly, my son," St. Peter said as he parted the clouds to peer down into the underworld. The man saw the most extraordinary thing! His brother was on a deserted island in a lake of fire, with a beautiful blonde on one hand and a bottle of 100-year-old whiskey in the other!
"I don't get it," the man said, "what kind of punishment is that?"
"Ah," said St. Peter, "don't be deceived by looks, my son. All is not what it appears to be. You see, the bottle of whiskey has a hole in it, and the girl . . . "
A guy walked into a bar. As he was ordering his first drink, he looked around and saw a guy down the end of the bar falling off his stool. He said to himself, "Aw, man, this is disgusting, somebody oughta do something."
He walked over and said, "Hey buddy, let me give you a ride home." He picked the drunk up and dragged him to the door of the bar. He had to prop the guy up against the wall to open the door, but the guy fell down! When he got the guy out to his car, he propped him up against the car to get out his keys, and the guy fell down again!
Soon they were on their way. He asked the drunk where he lived, and the drunk pointed to a house. He parked and helped the drunk out of the car. He dragged him up the stoop, and propped him up against the railing so he could ring the bell. Again, the guy fell down! Finally the drunk's wife came to the door. "Look, lady, I brought your husband home for you."
She says, "Well, that's very nice of you, young man, but where's his wheelchair?"
A guy walked into a bar. Once inside, he realized it was a gay bar. "What the heck," he thought, "I really want a drink."
So he sat down at the bar, and the bartender said to him, "What's the name of your penis?"
The guy said, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The bartender said, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the guy looked at the man sitting to his left who was sipping on a beer and asked, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man smiled and said, "Timex."
The guy asked, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replied, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the guy turned to the man on his right, who was sipping a margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man to his right turned to him and proudly exclaimed, "Ford, because quality is Job 1." He then added, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the guy had to think for a moment before he came up with a name for his penis. He turned to the bartender and exclaimed, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."
The bartender began to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"
The guy said, "Because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin. He ordered three pints of Guinness, sat in the back of the room, and drank a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars noticed and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eye and he laughed. "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
A koala bear from Australia decided to take a vacation to New York City to enjoy a different culture. After arriving in New York and getting settled in at his hotel, the koala bear decided to take a walk.
After touring this adventurous city for a few hours he noticed several women on the side of the street strutting their stuff. The koala bear approached one of them and asked, "What are you doing?"
The woman replied "I'm a prostitute. Are you looking for a good time?"
The koala bear immediately replied yes.
"Do you wanna have sex?" the prostitute asked.
"Well, sure. I mean, I did come here to live up the true New York experience," said the bear with a grin on his face.
The prostitute grabbed the bear's hand and directed him to her apartment where they had sex. Soon after, the koala bear got out of bed and proceeded to the door. The prostitute yelled, "Where are you going?"
The bear told her that he was done and it was time for him to go.
"I'm a prostitute. You have to pay me!"
The bear said with a disgusted tone, "Since when do I have to pay for sex?"
The prostitute replied, "Everyone I have sex with has to pay. It's in the dictionary, look it up."
The koala bear agreed to pull out a dictionary from one of her shelves to look up the word "prostitute." It said, "A woman who has sex in exchange for money." The prostitute immediately started to chuckle and asked for her money.
The koala bear then remarked, "Okay, to make it even, why don't you look up the word koala bear?"
The prostitute grabbed the dictionary and looked up "koala bear." The bear said, "Go ahead, read it aloud!"
The prostitute read the definition out loud. "An Australian animal that eats bush and leaves."
