BackJokes
Hello!! Hmmm.... are you bored?? Then read our jokes!!
You'll love them :).
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has
been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to
blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may
not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The
cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. "Doesn't it
embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"
"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the
plate for you!"
You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if.....
You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still
can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.
You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water
bill has been way too low.
You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the
monthly budget.
You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what
station you will get.
The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be
a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.
They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds
and thirds ... and fourths.
You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand
brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.
You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.
Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.
You still hide your best make-up.
You know you live in a small town when...
...The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
...The local phone book has only one yellow page.
...Third Street is on the edge of town.
...You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the
next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
...You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.
...No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
...You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
...Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to
see whether the publisher got it right.
THIS VIRUS IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. THE UNITED STATES OPTICAL SOCIETY HAS ADVISED ALL
READERS TO WEAR COBALT-SAMARIUM TINTED GLASSES BEFORE READING A NEWSPAPER.
PLEASE DO NOT PASS THIS MESSAGE USING E-MAIL, BUT PRINT IT OFF AND MAIL IT INSIDE A BROWN
ENVELOPE TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN, USING THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE!
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this
century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air
and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we
may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but
that could change."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one
word is 'to be prepared.'"
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the
future."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the
Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe,
and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can
breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful.
How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have
tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore
(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)
Little Sammy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to
their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The
label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a
wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Sammy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you
keep them when you took their pictures?"
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam
is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives.
Sam, you have do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's
baseball in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many
years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out
to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good
news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."
"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday!"
WASHINGTON, DC - Democrats on Capital Hill are moving to block the Conserva Electronics
Corporation from selling televisions equipped with a new technology called the 'C-Chip'.
Minority Leader Richard (Dick) Gephardt denounced the 'C-Chip' on the House floor calling
it "censorship of the worst kind."
The new 'C-Chip', developed by Conserva Electronics is being billed as the cure for
"News Rage". Norman Reagan, CEO of Conserva Electronics explained the thinking
behind the release of the C-Chip in a press conference held yesterday. Said Reagan,
"Our marketing studies have identified a growing dissatisfaction and anger among
Americans towards the Liberal bias in television news coverage. Many Americans are
resorting to abstinence from the television rather than be exposed to slanted liberal
propaganda disguised as news. This is like throwing the baby out with the bath water. Our
new 'C-Chip' (the 'C' Stands for Clintonian), is programed to detect liberal media bias
and automatically change the channel. The 'C-Chip' makes it safe to watch
television."
Both Democrats and major media outlets see the 'C-Chip' as a threat to free speech. Vice
President Al Gore is already pushing regulations through the FCC that would outlaw the
sale of the C-Chip in the United States. Said Gore, "This technology is dangerous and
must be stopped."
Responding to claims that the 'C-Chip' threatens freedom of speech, Norman Reagan told
BNN, "The 'C-Chip' doesn't take away freedom of speech. The Liberals and the Liberal
News Media can still say whatever they want. The 'C-Chip' just makes it easier for
patriotic freedom loving Americans to not have to listen."
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BNN Disclaimer: This story is totally false not one shred of it is true! It was created
for entertainment purposes ONLY. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental.
After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache,
cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a
trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some
coffee in front of him. "Louise, " he moaned, "tell me what went on last
night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she assured him, voice
dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing
the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his
face." "He's an asshole - piss on him." "You did," Louise
informed him. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
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A guy walks into the doctor's office and rasps, "Hey doc, can you
help me with this terrible throat?"
Doctor says, "Sure, is it laryngitis?"
"No," the guy says, "it's a golf injury."
"Golf?" the doctor asks. "I don't understand."
"Well, it's like this," the guy says. "I'm playing golf with this
drop-dead gorgeous woman yesterday and we both slice our drives into
thisfield on the sixth hole. We're looking and looking, and neither
of us can find our balls, when I happen upon a cow grazing in the
field.
"Upon closer examination, I notice something white in the region
of the cow's bum, so I lift its tail and sure enough, it's a Slazenger
2. Of course, I play a Titleist, so I call my friend over, lift the
cow' tail again and say, 'Does this look like yours?'
"That's when she hit me in the throat with her 7-iron."
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A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.
Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all
the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this
is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her.
She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL
the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the
Capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
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