The Baron and the Bunny
---- 60 minutes into the Future, bridge of Derfflinger, course 000, speed 24 knots
(The grim grey German ship steamed along in pursuit of her British prey,
knifing through a drifting smoke cloud.)
Capt. Theodor: "Sir, did you see that?"
Baron Letters: "The writing on the cloud?"
Theodor: "Yes sir. Isn't that a bit... odd?"
Letters: "I'd say so. Were you able to make any sense of it?"
Theodor: "It was in English, and if I read it correctly, it said,
'Now Entering the Tooniverse. Warner Brothers Rules.'"
Letters: "Very strange. I wonder what it means?"
(A sudden ominous swell of background music fills the air. The two officers
jump and both look around suspiciously, but the orchestra is nowhere to
be seen. Derfflinger steams out of the cloud... looking somehow...
cartoon-like.)
(The Baron glances to port.)
Letters: "Look, That must be Monarch!
(A British battleship is seen nearby, sinking slowly with loud *Bloop-Bloop!*
sound-effects & much bubbling. The crew is jumping overboard clutching
a variety of flotation devices, including water-wings, old inner tubes,
and brightly-colored pool toys. There is much screaming and silly commotion.)
Theodor: "Is that what the British Navy is giving to its sailors
for rescue?!"
Letters: "Something is not right here..."
(He glares stage right as the background music again rises to a dramatic
flourish.)
(As the two German officers watch the Monarch, a strange figure
leaves the bridge and wanders out onto the deck behind them. This "person",
is a four-foot tall, bipedal rabbit, unclad except for white gloves and
a small white sailor's hat perched on his head between his long ears.
He is dusting off bits of chopped vegetables from his body as he saunters
up to the officers. Pulling out a long carrot, he takes a big bite and
crunches it loudly.)
Bugs: "Eeehh, what's up doc?" *crunch*crunch*
(The officers startle and turn simultaneously to stare at the furry apparition,
who gives them a big, cheezy smile.)
Letters: "What in God's name are you?!"
Bugs: "*crunch*crunch* ...Able-bodied Seaman Bugs Bunny at yer soivice,
yer highnesses." (He sketches them a salute.)
Theodor: "We're not royalty. I'm Captain Theodor, of the Kaiser's
High Seas Fleet battlecruiser Derfflinger. This is Admiral Letters."
Letters: "How did you get aboard our ship, Seaman... ah, Bunny?"
(If the Baron thinks conversing with a talking rabbit is strange, he hides
it well.)
Bugs: "Heh-heh. Yer cook was gonna fix rabbit stew fer dinner."
(He flicks a bit of potato from his shoulder.) "I thot maybe I should
come out here an' get some air."
Letters: "That might be advisable, from your point of view..."
(Bugs runs to the railing and peers at the sinking form of Monarch.)
Bugs: "Hey! Those Brits are sinkin'!? Is there a war on or sompt'ing?"
Theodor: "Ah... yes, there is."
Bugs: "Doggonit! I always miss the fun parts!" (Waves at Monarch.)
"Heeey!! Cheerio mates!!"
(Monarch, the ship, frowns at him and spits out one final -and
large - shell, which arcs over and strikes Derfflinger right on the bridge.)
!!!!!WHOOM!!!!!!
(The entire bridge is carbon-blackened... along with all the people standing
on it. Their eyes blink comically.)
Bugs: "Eeeh... is there some reason why they're mad at youse guys?"
(He shakes the carbon off - it falls in a heap of black dust at his feet.)
Theodor: "Well, our fleet did sink a few of their ships..."
(Finding himself unhurt, Letters dusts himself off, then dusts off his
captain with a small whiskbroom.)
Bugs: "Are you the bad guys?!" (He peers at them narrowly.)
Letters: "Certainly not. We're just defending our homes and families."
(He smiles at Bugs.) "We've been trying to find the rest of the British
fleet, as a matter of fact."
Bugs: "What, that big fleet over there?" (On the horizon a large
number of warships is now visible. Bugs waves at them.) "Hey!!! Over
here!!! Yoohoo!!!"
Letters (suddenly realizing that he may have made a tactical error.):
"Ach, wait!"
(The warning is too late. The British ships prick their antenna, glare
at the German ship, line up, and all together, spit out a solid hail of
shot, which arcs up toward Derfflinger.)
Theodor: "We're dead." (He calmly watches the approaching curtain
of steel.)
(Bugs dashes about at such a rate of speed he becomes a gray blur. The
guns all sprout palm fronds and coconuts, crewmembers on deck acquire
grass skirts, the Baron and Captain Theodor both find themselves wearing
leis of colorful flowers, and Bugs screeches to a halt in front of them,
wearing a grass skirt, lei, and a big flower in his hair. He bats his
eyes fetchingly and begins playing a ukulele he has pulled out of somewhere.)
Bugs: "Ooo, I'm just an island goil..." (He sings off-key,
plinking the ukulele & shimmying his hips in a very un-rabbit-like
manner.)
Theodor: "Urk."
(The incoming rain of shot miraculously slows... the shells blinking
at what appears to be a tropical island below... their target has disappeared.
As a group, they turn tail and speed off, duly falling back onto the British
fleet... which blows up in a dramatic cloud of smoke.)
Letters: "That's..." (He looks at Bugs, then has to ask:) "How
did you know that would work?"
Bugs: "Eeeeh, it was nothin' to fool them, Doc. *crunch*crunch* Those
was just dum-dum bullets, after all."
(Theodor groans and the Baron rolls his eyes.)
Letters: "May we leave now? I think its time..."
Bugs: "Sure Doc… I gotta appointment with Elmer Fudd anyways
an' I don't wanna be late. Just a sec." (He dashes off stage right
into the ship, and then almost instantly reappears, with something in
his arms.) "Here, before I go, I found this layin' around downstairs...
someone could hoit themselves on this." (He hands an enormous plug
to the Baron.) "Ta-ta, Doc! The way out is thataway." (He points
to starboard, then vanishes in a puff of speed-smoke.)
Theodor: "Admiral... a plug? It looks like a bathtub plug only much
larger."
Letters: "So it is.... I wonder where he got it from...?" (As
soon as the words leave his mouth, his eyes widen as he hears a dreaded
sound coming from his ship.)
Theodor: "Oh no."
***Bloop!*Bloop!*Bloop!***
(As the crew tosses life-rings about, Derfflinger sinks like a
stone.)
(The Baron and Captain Theodor float disconsolately on their life-rings,
watching the bubbles rise from the spot where Derfflinger went down.)
Letters (with a sigh): "Ach... at least things can't possibly get
any worse."
(A British naval officer drifts by - he looks a lot like a cartoon version
of Terry Thomas. Sighting the Germans, he paddles over with a cheerful
look. His life-ring is stenciled "HMS Pinafore".)
BN officer: "Ruddy bad luck, eh, wot? Care for a spot of tea?"
(He waves a steaming teapot. Suddenly he perks up even more.)
"Oh I say! Your leis are positively fetching!"
Theodor (groaning): "It's worse."
(The Baron looks as if he's finally had enough)
Letters: "That's it!" (Reaches into his jacket and pulls out
a wad of typed papers, which he waves on high.) "I'll have you know
I insured Derfflinger with Lloyds of London for 10 billion Deutschmarks!"
(There ensues a dire sound of screaming, wailing, and bell ringing from
the direction of London. With a deep rumble, a gigantic arm reaches down
from the clouds above, plucks Derfflinger from the sea and shakes
the water out of it as you would a child's bathtub toy. Theodor watches
in amazement. )
Theodor: "What - how?"
Letters (with a dry chuckle): "I happen to know Herr Warner has been
a heavy investor in Lloyds... and he's quite a cheapskate."
(Derfflinger is set afloat again, and her crew appears at the
railing, looking none the worse for wear, if somewhat confused. With merry
cheers, the sailors pull Capt. Theodor and the Baron from the sea. With
decorous haste, Derfflinger steams away. In a few minutes they
pass through the strange cloud and reality snaps into place, leaving them
feeling a bit depressed and relieved both at the same time. The leis and
other 'toon alterations fade away. Capt. Theodor jumps a bit, as if something
just startled him awake.)
Theodor: "Oh! I was dreaming for a moment, wasn't I?"
Letters: "I think perhaps we all were. Carry on, Captain."
(With a polite nod to Theodor, the Baron wanders off a few paces, and
unobtrusively
kicks the chewed end of a carrot over the railing and into the sea.)
###
Das Ende - Thank Goodness!
Let's see... this was done with tongue firmly in cheek, just for laughs.
No infringement intended upon the Letterstime characters, nor any infrigment
intended on any Warner Bros. characters. Bugs Bunny is now 60 years young
- Happy Birthday, Bugs!!
No artificial flavors or colors. Not tested on animals... especially wascawwy wabbits. The basic images of Bugs were gleaned with permission from Mr. Marente's cool Bugs fan website. (Of course, I kind of mutated them in Paintshop Pro...)
This story by - Colleen
...It could've been worse, I left out the scenes with the nightmare paint
and the gremlin! :-0
