The ship had broken down for the umpteenth time that week. Captain Denmark waited patiently in the engine room for the chief mechanic to arrive.
After five minutes she did and came swinging from console to console like a chimpanzee. In fact, she was a chimpanzee. It was a well known fact that they made the best mechanics.
"The engines have broken down again. Can you fix them, Wrench?" Denmark asked apprehensively.
The monkey Wrench pulled a keyboard out of the sling on her back and typed on it for a few seconds. A synthesised voice came out of the keyboard´s built-in speakers when she´d finished. "Banana."
Denmark pulled one out of his top pocket and gave it to her. She nodded her thanks and jumped down the nearest access tube. For a few minutes there was a series of bumps and clangs, some of them loud enough to make the captain wince, and then the monkey emerged all covered in grime.
"Well?"
The computer chimed and said in its calm feminine voice: "Warning! Engines will explode in T minus 50 seconds."
Wrench shrugged and asked hopefully in her artificial voice: "Banana?"
He rolled his eyes and, raising his voice slightly, said: "Computer?"
"Yes?" It replied sweetly.
"Divert all power from the engines and initiate emergency containment procedures!" If he didn´t do something, the resulting explosion would destroy half the ship. It could be devastating to business!
"I´m afraid I can´t let you do that, Dave."
"Dave? My name´s John."
"Whatever."
"And why not?"
"All the major subsystems have been rewired. It has extremely confused me."
Denmark cast another angry glance at the monkey, who shrugged again, and then said, "What do you suggest we do?"
There was no reply.
"Computer?"
Still no reply.
He pulled out his mobile phone and started dialling a number, before realising that it wasn´t on. He pushed the large button clearly marked as ON, and it stayed off. "Typical," he muttered, "As soon as you get slightly out of civilised space, there�s no reception." He was in the process of banging it against a wall when the lights flickered and went out.
"Wrench?"
"Ook?"
"Go tell Rock that I want him."
"Banana?" One look at his facial expression and she gave up on the idea and scampered off in the direction of the lift. It probably wasn�t working but she could use the ladder in the shaft.
Denmark sighed and then sighed even louder when his head hit the roof. The artificial gravity generators were off-line. Now all they needed was to be boarded by hostile aliens. He waited expectantly for the sounds of docking but none came.
A familiar stiffening of the air around him made him relax a little. He didn´t know why. As if Rock would be any help.
HELLO CAPTAIN
"How´d Wrench get to you so fast?"
SHE DIDN´T. I´VE BEEN EAVESDROPPING EVER SINCE THE EXPLOSION WARNING. I JUST THOUGHT I´D LET YOU SWEAT A LITTLE.
"Gee, Thanks."
ALL IN A DAY´S WORK.
"Then how about doing something useful and telling me why all the power´s out?"
THERE IS AN ENERGY DAMPENING FIELD PERMEATING THE SHIP
"Its source?"
THE SHIP IN THE PROCESS OF DOCKING WITH OURS
"But I haven´t heard any�" The sound of docking came to his ears. He muttered a few words so coarse that they can´t be repeated here.
He pushed himself away from the roof and toward the doorway. He was halfway there when the power came back on. He fell two metres to land his crotch on the edge of a console. Needless to say, this hurt a lot.
He somehow managed to fight the urge to blackout, and then slid painfully off the console until he was crouched on the ground, hunched over in a foetus position. He slowly stumbled out of the room, still hunched over and making small gasping sounds with every step.
He was nearly at the lift when he came across Crobol. "I need help, Captain," the Testertian hissed, "My arm has started talking."
"Yes, quite," One of Crobol s arms added in a British accent. It was the one the Blob had misfigured and it was now totally blue with a little mouth at the end where his hand should have been.
"Shut up!" Crobol snarled and slammed the arm against the nearest wall. There was a muffled exclamation of pain from it.
"I´m kind of busy right now, Crobol. I´ll talk to you later."
"We´re being boarded aren´t we?" His green breath came out in little puffs of smoke.
"How do you know?"
"I´ve been bred from birs to be a warrior. I might be stupid but I can still tell the signs."
"Plus, I told him," the arm added cheerfully before being smashed into the wall again; harder this time.
"Can I help?" Crobol asked. His skin was glowing extremely brightly, showing his happiness and anticipation. Testerians, belonging to a warrior society, thrived on danger and suspense.
"Sure."
They got in the lift and proceeded to deck 11, where the docking bay was located. As soon as the lift doors opened, they were held up at khaser-point by a group of peculiar looking aliens. They had the basic physical shape and (it seemed) kick-boxing skills of a kangaroo but they had long floppy ears, a long snout, and looked clumsy. Denmark recognised them; from what he could remember they were called "Gungaroos."
An aisle parted through the middle of them as a man arrived. He walked gracefully down the middle. This would have been impressive if he wasn´t wearing a blue dress.
"What´s so funny?" He asked apprehensively, taking in Denmark´s amused expression.
"Who are you supposed to be?"
"You´re worst nightmare."
Denmark cracked up laughing. "That´s so lame."
The man whipped out a book and flipped to the index. In big bold letters the cover read "The Complete Idiot�s Guide to Being an Evil Mastermind."
He got the page he was looking for and read it thoughtfully. When he looked up, he seemed more confident. "Stop making fun of me."
"Or you´ll do what?" Even Crobol was smiling, which was a rare occurrence indeed.
"Or I´ll have my minions blow your brains out all over your nice little corridor."
Denmark cracked up laughing again. "Minions," he managed to gasp just before another fit of hysterics, "That´s nearly as lame as the first one."
The not-so-evil mastermind was fuming. "KILL HIM!" He demanded of his loyal Gungaroos.
One of them stepped forward. "Mesa Killsa Hisa? Okydaysa?"
"DO IT!"
Denmark had another fit of hysterics.
"Yessa. Rightawaysa," The Gungaroo hopped forward before asking quizzically, "Howsa Mesa Supposeda dosa?"
"JUST DO IT!"
Denmark had started rolling around on the ground, unable to stop the laughter.
"Okydaysa." The Gungaroo hopped hesitantly forward and prepared to give Denmark a kick. Crobol stepped forward, gave it an uppercut that sent it sailing into its nearest compatriots, stepped back to his previous position, and then resumed his grinning.
The Gungaroo looked at his fellow minions and said: "Mesa Hurtsa." The other ones just shrugged and milled around uncomfortably.
"KILL HIM! I COMMAND YOU TO KILL HIM!"
A new Gungaroo spoke up. "Butsa hesa gotsa hurtsa!"
Tears were flowing freely down Denmark´s cheeks now. "Hesa gotsa Hurtsa!" He barked out and continued on with his laughing.
The man just stood there, tapping his foot impatiently and trying to hold in his rising temper. "Are you quite finished?"
"Not really." He cracked up again. "The book tell you how to dress too?"
"No, I´m not up to the chapter on fashion yet."
Denmark collapsed on the floor in laughter, again. "He hasn´t even finished the book."
The newbie evil mastermind´s lips quavered and then he burst into tears. "I shall return after I´ve read more of the book," he said as bravely as he could manage, "and when I do I shall force first you into slavery and then the ENTIRE GALAXY!"
Denmark let out a roar of laughter, followed closely by Crobol, Crobol´s arm, and all the passengers who had silently gathered around the unsuccessful hostile takeover bid. "He can´t stop using corny lines!" Denmark choked out and everyone cracked up into hysterics.
The villain turned on his heels and fled, hounded by the dreadful sound of laughter. He had activated his ship and flown off at full speed within two minutes.
When Denmark had calmed down (this took about an hour), he took Crobol silently to the side.
"As amusing as this incident was, it made me realise something. I kind of need some security. And I was wondering�"
Crobol scratched his head and snarled "What?"
Denmark sighed and finished the sentence, "If you´d like to be my security officer?"
Crobol brightened so much that Denmark had to avert his eyes. "I´m flattered, but no," he hissed.
"No?"
Crobol roared with laughter. "It was a joke."
Denmark let out a fake chuckle. "Ahh� very funny."
"No it wasn´t," said Crobol s arm in its annoying imitation of a British accent.
It didn´t comment for a while after the beating on the wall it received for that one.