Introduction
What's on the CD
1. The Basics of Masterminding (hehe! I invited a verb)
2. Yes, Evil Does Have a Fashion Sense
3. Location, Location, Location, and Then Let the Interior Designer Rampant
4. You Just Can't Get Good Help These Days, or Can You?
5. The Best Villianous Past Time: Hero-Swatting
6. Propaganda and Brain-Washing Made Easy
7. Guide to Impulsive Planning
Glossary
Hitler, Saddam Husein, Satan, Bill Gates, the Easter Bunny, Santa. All these are household names, whose propaganda has spread throughout known civilization, who can (or could; sorry Hitler) change history with just a click of their fingers. Especially that bastard, Santa.
Yes, you too can join the ranks of the infamous, the sadistic, and the omnipotent. This book has been written for the beginning masterminds, those who have yet to go out into the real world and make their mark.
People already secure in their absolute power over their unwilling subjects, will probably not find anything of use in this book. Neither will the good sumaritans, or utter wimps. This is for the talented and ambitious people out there, who want to make something of themselves but don't know how to go about it.
There are many types of masterminds out there, so perhaps I should clarify. This is for the at least slightly intelligent mastermind, who yearns for absolute power. If you wish to commit Genocide, become a crime boss, or anything else apart from seizing power, then this might not be the book for you. You might have more luck with more specialised books which will be out soon, including: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Commiting Mass Genocide, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Becoming Incredibly Rich Through the Exploitation of the Masses. But then again, you will still probably find some useful information here.
This book is divided into chapters. If you couldn't work that out from the contents "page" then you are a complete idiot, and even though this is a bit contradictory, shouldn't be reading this book. Here is a rundown of the chapters.
The first one is titled "The Basics of Masterminding (hehe! I invited a verb)". And you guessed it, it´s about the extreme basics. Your frame of mind, starting out, that type of thing.
"Yes, Evil does have a Fashion Sense" details what you need to know to look cool. To have sunglasses, or not to have sunglasses; that is the question.
Chapter 3, "Location, Location, Location, and Then Let the Interior Designer Rampant" details how to pick a suitable location for your headquarters and then design it properly.
Yes, even evil masterminds have employee troubles, or should I say especially? Chapter 4, " You Just Can't Get Good Help These Days, or Can You?" Details where to get adequate help and then train them effectively.
Heros are so annoying. They just have to do good and ruin your plans. That's the right thing to do. Blah blah blah. THEY SHALL PERISH IN PAINFUL WAYS! Especially if you read "The Best Villianous Past Time: Hero-Swatting".
Chapter 6, "Propaganda and Brain-Washing Made Easy" is an evil chapter. But that's good right?
Impulsive Planning is a very useful skill. The governments of the civilised world want their populace to think there's no such thing. But there is and you must learn to use it effectively if you're ever going to rule all civilisation. "A Guide to Impulsive Planning" is what you need and chapter 7 is just that. What a coincidence!
DISCLAIMER: The author forcefully got the people of QUE to publish this book. To add to the disgrace/coolness, he then deleted their memories of the event. Therefore, they take no resposibility for anything said or implied in this book. Neither does the author, as he was intoxicated at the time of writing.
The CD contains source code for a 100 different retroviruses. These viruses have been tailored for every possible occurance and made user-friendly, but just in case the CD contains Bonus Chapter 1: "Join the Ranks of Mad Scientists Anomynous: Killing the Fun Way". Just choose the most suitable one and release it on your unsuspecting populace. They'll never know what hit them! Perfect for rebelling savages.
Other bonus chapters on the CD include: "2: Bankrupt? Too Bad You Pussy" and "3: Slack Off and Let Someone Decent Do the Work For You." Also included on the CD are miscellaneous weapon designs and some plans we've come up with already.
We put absolutely no effort into this CD, but please glance at it anyway because all our sponsors are on it and we're strapped for cash.
Men have to be intelligent and have some other defining characteristic. They also have to be about average height. Too small and they'll never gain respect and probably get stood on. Too big and they'll probably trip over their own feet and will look stupidish. If you were born too big or small then I've got one thing to say to you. They can work miracles with surgery nowadays. Hair and eye colour don't matter much and neither does complexion of the skin. Having a muscular build helps, but its not essential. If you would like to look strong but aren't, then there are a number of products that can help you. The most prevalent would be steroids, and is available from any male teenager who plays Grid Iron. Good fashion is a must and that will be discussed in the next chapter.
Women are a bit easier than men. Average height once again, but there's a bit more leniency. Apart from that, just about anything goes. Except, under no circumstances can you be overweight. That will shatter any good respect anyone has for you. The diet that I recommend, for those of you who need it, is the old-fashioned Starvation Diet. Its the only diet in existence which has fast results and actually saves you money. Being beautiful can be a huge advantage, especially if you can be seductive. Men will die without question for you, if you show them ample cleavage and a seemly figure.
Many people go with anagrams. This is a good choice as long as you're name is relatively short. The only downside to them is that if someone works it out, you're secret identity is shot and you'll have the authorities pounding on your door/portal/whatever in no time. Satan got away with his anagram of "Santa" for nearly two hundred years. He left some obvious clues, like they're both red, and one owns a furnace for bad people and the other delivers coal to bad children, but no one worked it out.
Try to keep the name original. Something that no one else would think of.
1. THE BASICS OF MASTERMINDING (HEHE! I INVENTED A VERB)
I know you're all dying to go out and kill/subjugate people but we have to cover the basics first. It's all about image. If you make yourself out to be an outer fool then no matter how many people you kill, you'll never be respected. Respect is a good thing, normally, but there are actually two types of respect. The first one is respect because you're nice and/or good at something. This is a bad type of respect and unfortunately is very prevalent in today's society. The second type of respect, is when they respect you because you're ruthless and harm people. This is the good type of respect. Respect is all about imagery, so that's what you're going to learn about first.
EQUALITY FOR ALL
It doesn't really matter what race you are or what gender. But there are still different requirements for different people.
PICK A NAME OUT OF THE HAT
Choosing the proper name is very important. A name that's too normal will never seem right and a name that's corny will shatter any illusions of granduer. Before we continue, here's a golden rule of names: do not use anything with doctor at the beginning and/or anything with Doom or Death at the end.
