THE SPEEDING

Stardate: 27436.1239136298
Standard Sol Years: The calculator was fixed but then I lost it

The merchant starship Cheapskate pulled away from its docking-berth at Starbase 227371 and resumed its course to the Planet Blob. The captain left the bridge and proceeded to deck 11 to meet his new guests.

He was impressed by the amount of people who had come onboard. Two. It was much more than he normally got.

"Hi, I´m Captain Denmark."

"Hi, my name´s Christof Laumbert," One of them replied with an extremely raspy voice. He eyes were penetrating, cross-eyed, and disturbing.

"And I´m Shaun Conneree," The other added in a deep Scottish accent.

They were both wearing black trench-coats and Jeans. Conneree wore a long beard that made him look ancient and very out-of-fashion.

"To what do I owe your visit? Business or Pleasure?"

"A bit of both, actually," Laumbert replied in his raspy voice.

Denmark winced at the sound. "Would you like my doctor to take a look at your throat?"

"No, it´s fine. It´s my natural voice."

"I see." He actually didn´t, but let the matter rest. The man must have been a genetic freak or something.

"We´re going to Planet Blob because it´s holy," Conneree answered.

"It is?"

"Very much so. There we will be safe."

"From what?" He was wary of passengers seeking protection. It nearly always ended up in lengthy and expensive repairs.

Conneree drew in a breath, looked out into the distance, and took on a lecturing tone. "We are immortal. We have existed throughout the centuries. We await the time of the Convention where we will all unite to contest for the ultimate prize. There can be only one."

Denmark stifled a yawn. "That´s all well and good. But, I repeat, protection from what?"

"The Convention is nearly upon us. Our kind seek out and kill each other. One above all others. He is death incarnate and he has set his eyes on us. There are rules though. One being that we may not fight on holy ground. And on holy ground we shall stay for as long as possible."

"Very� Shakespearian. I thought you guys were immortal, though?"

"We are," Laumbert piped in with his annoyingly raspy voice, "There is only one way for us to die. By castration."

"Castration? Don´t you mean beheading?"

"No, castration," Conneree put in, "Do you know how painful it is to lose your Little Man? He is your life-blood, your soul. Why would beheading kill us? Think man, think. After death, comes the Speeding where the victor absorbs all the victim�s Labido."

"Can I show you to your quarters?" He might as well have been talking to a log. For one thing, it wouldn�t have looked so butt-ugly, and neither Conneree nor Laumbert were paying attention anyway.

Laumbert put his face to the ground and started sniffing like a dog on a hunt. "He´s close," he rasped.

"Have you picked up a passenger called Insidious Mauler?" Conneree asked frantically.

Denmark searched his memory for all the passengers he had had over the past few months. This wasn´t hard. "There´s a Mr. Maul. An old man."

"Are you sure he´s an old man?"

"Pretty sure. I can take you to him, if you want?"

Conneree and Laumbert looked at each other. "This ends now," Laumbert said with a tone of finality.

The three of them stepped into the lounge of deck 13, with Crobol close behind.

"He paid in advance, so if he really is who you think he is, do what you like with him," Denmark said generously.

Mr. Maul was sitting in the corner by himself, reading a book. He was wearing a black robe that fully masked all his features.

Connoree walked up behind him and pinned his arms behind his back. Laumbert drew a sword from underneath his cloak and with one deft swipe, castrated the man. Maul screamed in agony, breaking free of Connoree�s grip, and fell to the floor. His hood came off revealing an old man.

Connoree chuckled. "Oops. Wrong man."

Denmark sighed and turned around to leave. Another man entered the lounge. He, too, was wearing a black robe but was fully bent over and relying on a walking stick.

"Mr. Stevens, what can I do for you today?" Denmark asked pleasantly, ignoring Maul´s screams of agony.

The only answer was a painful blow to the head with the walking stick. Denmark reeled backwards and fell against the wall.

The man threw off his hood to reveal a bald man, with a red and black painted face and yellow horns. "Insidious Mauler," Laumbert gasped.

Insidious smiled and held the walking stick horizontally out in front of him. With a whish of air, two long blades, on either end of the stick, shot out. For a moment the tableau of silence held, and then Crobol rushed him.

The tonne of Testerian mass came to meet him and he met the challenge with a slight twist of his bladed staff. The security officer went flying off into the wall. His animate arm, ever the smartass, piped in: "Great stuff there, old chappie."

Connoree and Laumbert rushed Mauler and proceeded to have a sword fight, that would make a Fendo expert cry at the beauty of it. No matter what the team of relative good guys did, Mauler was faster. His reflexes and skills were beyond that of any mortal man. Sometime during the fight Rock made his presence felt and rooted for whoever appeared to be winning.

The duet began to get the upper-hand and force the insidious bastard slowly back. It wasn´t long before his back was against a wall. But this didn�t stop him, he kept retreating up the wall and then suddenly burst into a run along it, his head parallel to the floor.

Before the duet could blink, he had leapt off the wall and was standing behind them. Now they were against the wall and they didn´t have any gravity-defying tricks.

They spun around, but were off-guard. He deflected Connoree´s half-hearted attack and went for the killing blow, only to be grabbed from behind.

Crobol crushed him in a Testerian hug and lifted him off the floor. Somehow he managed to stab the staff backward into Crobol´s leg. He broke free as Crobol´s grip weakened from the pain. A swift twist of the staff made the flat of one of the blades smash Crobol in the face and he fell to the floor, unconscious.

Mauler revolved the blade around over his head and came back in a fighting stance. He looked down in surpirse; a blade had skewered his stomach. He looked up. Laumbert had an idiotic grin plastered on his face.

Insidious snarled and leapt up into the air where he levitated, his arms spread out and his leg drawn slightly back. The scene held for a few seconds and then he let off a sound that sounded like a whimper and started crying. "I can´t get down," he moaned while continuing to cry, "I WANT MY MUMMY!".

Connoree and laumbert looked at each other. "I don´t want to kill him," Connoree said, "Ivll probably get negative Labido from this cry baby."

"So why do I have to?" Complained Laumbert.

"Because you´re sterile anyway."

"Yeh� well you´re ugly." Laumbert crossed his arms over his chest; delusioned that he had come up with a good comeback.

"For Christ´s sake," muttered Crobol´s arm in its British accent, "I´ll do it." The arm, with no help from Crobol who was still unconscious, reached up and engulfed Mauler´s crotch. Steam came out and Mauler was so filled with agony that he couldn�t utter a sound.

When Crobol�s arm removed itself from the man's crotch, the robes had been burnt away but the skin was so black that they couldn´t tell the difference. It took only an instant for Mauler´s body to totally disintegrate, leaving only a ball of glowing light. This ball then jumped onto Crobol�s arm and got absorbed into the blue flesh.

The arm let out a sigh of contentment. "I´m a sex machine!" It proclaimed.

Everyone sighed and left the room. There´s nothing worse than a short appendage bragging of its sexual superiority.