All That Jazz Velma. C'MON BABE WHY DON'T WE PAINT THE TOWN? AND ALL THAT JAZZ I'M GONNA ROUGE MY KNEES AND ROLL MY STOCKINGS DOWN AND ALL THAT JAZZ START THE CAR I KNOW A WHOOPEE SPOT WHERE THE GIN IS COLD BUT THE PIANO'S HOT IT'S JUST A NOISY HALL WHERE THERE'S A NIGHTLY BRAWL AND ALL THAT JAZZ! SLICK YOU HAIR AND WEAR YOU BUCKLE SHOES AND ALL THAT JAZZ I HEAT THAT FATHER DIP IS GONNA BLOW THE BLUES AND ALL THAT JAZZ HOLD ON, HON WE'RE GONNA BUNNY HUG I BOUGHT SOME ASPIRIN DOWN AT UNITED DRUG IN CASE YOU SHAKE APART AND WANT A BRAND NEW START TO DO THAT- Velma and Company. JAZZ. Person. SKIDOO Velma AND ALL THAT JAZZ Person 2 HOT-CHA Person 3 WHOOPEE Velma AND ALL THAT JAZZ Company. (soft and diabolic) HA! HA! HA! Velma IT'S JUST A NOISY HALL WHERE THERE'S A NIGHTLY BRAWL AND ALL THAT- Company. JAZZ (DIALOG) Velma. FIND A FLASK WE'RE PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE ALL. AND ALL THAT JAZZ Velma RIGHT UP HERE IS WHERE I STORE THE JUICE ALL. AND ALL THAT JAZZ Velma. COME ON, BABE WE'RE GONNA BRUSH THE SKY I BETCHA LUCKY LINDY NEVER FLEW SO HIGH 'CAUSE IN THE STRATOSPHERE HOW COULD HE LEND AN EAR TO ALL THAT JAZZ? Company. OH, YOU'RE GONNA SEE YOU SHEBA SHIMMY SHAKE Velma. AND ALL THAT JAZZ Company. OH, SHE'S GONNA SHIMMY TILL HER GARTERS BREAK Velma. AND ALL THAT JAZZ Company. SHOW HER WHERE TO PARK HER GIRDLE OH, HER MOTHER'S BLOOD'D CURDLE IF SHE'D HEAR HER BABY'S QUEER FOR ALL THAT JAZZ! Velma. Company. C'MON BABE OH, YOU'RE GONNA SEE YOU SHEBA WHY DON'T WE PAINT THE TOWN? SHIMMY SHAKE AND ALL THAT JAZZ AND ALL THAT JAZZ I'M GONNA ROUGE MY KNEES AND ROLL MY STOCKINGS DOWN OH, SHEY'S GONNA SHIMMY TILL HER AND ALL THAT JAZZ GARTERS BREAK START THE CAR I KNOW A WHOPEE SPOT AND ALL THAT JAZZ WHERE THE GIN IS COLD BUT THE PIANO'S HOT SHOW HER WHERE TO PARK HER GIRDLE OH, HER MOTHER'S BLOOD'D CURDLE IT'S JUST A NOISY HALL IF SHE'D HEAR WHERE THERE'S A NIGHTLY BRAWL HER BABY'S QUEER AND ALL THAT JAZZ! FOR ALL THAT JAZZ! Velma. NO, I'M NO ONE'S WIFE BUT, OH I LOVE MY LIFE AND ALL THAT JAZZ! Company. THAT JAZZ! Funny Honey Roxie. SOMETIMES I'M RIGHT SOMETIMES I'M WRONG BUT HE DOESN'T CARE HE'LL STRING ALONG HE LOVE ME SO THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE SOMETIMES I'M DROOPY SOMETIMES I'M UP BUT HE FOLLOWS 'ROUND LIKE SOME DROOPY-EYED PUP HE LOVES ME SO THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE HE AIN'T NO SHEIK THAT'S NO GREAT PHYSIQUE LORD KNOWS, HE AIN'T GOT THE SMARTS BUT LOOK AT THAT SOUL I TELL YOU THAT WHOLE IS A WHOLE LOT GREATER THAN THE SUM OF HIS PARTS AND IF YOU KNEW HIM LIKE ME I KNOW YOU'D AGREE WHAT IF THE WORLD SLANDERED MY NAME? WHY, HE'D BE RIGHT THERE TAKING THE BLAME HE LOVES ME SO AND IT ALL SUITS ME FINE THAT FUNNY, SUNNY, HONEY HUBBY OF MINE! (DIALOG) HE LOVES ME SO THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE! (DIALOG) HE LOVES ME SO THAT FUNNY HONEY , OF MINE!! (DIALOG) LORD KNOWS HE AIN'T GOT THE SMARTS (DIALOG) NOW HE'S SHOT OF HIS TRAP I CAN'T STAND THAT SAP LOOK AT HIM GO RATTIN' ON ME WITH JUST ONE MORE BRAIN WHAT A HALF-WIT HE'D BE IF THEY STRING ME UP I'LL KNOW WHO BROUGHT THE TWINE THAT SCUMMY, CRUMMY DUMMY HUBBY OF MINE When You're Good to Mama Matron Mama Morton. ASK ANY OF THE CHIKIES IN MY PEN THEY'LL TELL YOU I'M THE BIGGEST MOTHER HEN I LOVE THEM ALL AND ALL OF THEM LOVE ME BECAUSE THE SYSTEM WORKS THE SYSTEM CALLED RECIPROCIT GOT A LITTLE MOTTO ALWAYS SEE ME THROUGH WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO MAMA MAMA'S GOOD TO YOU THERE'S A LOT OF FAVORS I'IM PREFARED TO DO YOU DO ONE FOR MAMA SHE'LL DO ONE FOR YOU. THEY SAY THAT LIFE IS TIT FOR TAT AND THAT'S THE WAY I LIVE SO, I DESERVE A LOT OF TAT FOR WHAT I'VE GOT TO GIVE DON' YOU KNOW THAT THIS HAND WASHES THAT ONE TOO WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO MAMA MAMA'S GOOD TO YOU! IF YOU WANT MY GRAVY PERPPER MY RAGOUT SPICE IT UP FOR MAMA SHE'LL GET HOT FOR YOU WHEN THEY PASS THAT BASKET FOLKS CONRIBUTE TO YOU PUT IN FOR MAM SHE'LL PUT OUR FOR YOU LET'S ALL STROK TOGETHER LIKE THE PRINCETON CREW WHEN YOU'RE STRONKIN' MAMA MAM'S STRONKIN' YOU SO WHAT'S THE CONCLUSION I CAN BRING THIS NUMBER TOO WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO MAM MAMA'S GOOD TO YOU!! All I Care About Girls. WE WANT BILLY WHERE IS BILLY? GIVE US BILLY WE WANT BILYY B. I. DOUBLE L. Y. WE'RE ALL HIS HE'S OUR KIND OF A GUY AND OOH WHAT LUCK 'CAUSE HERE HE IS. Billy. (Spoken) is everybody here? Is everybody ready? (Sung.) I DON'T CARE ABOUT EXPENSIVE THINGS CASHMERE COATS, DIAMOND RINGS DON'T MEAN A THING ALL I CARE BOUT IS LOVE Girls. THAT'S WHAT HE'S HERE FOR Billy. I DON'T CARE FOR WEARIN' SILK CRAVATS RUBY STUDS, SATIN SPATS DON'T MEAN A THING ALL I CARE BOUT IS LOVE Billy. GIMME TWO EYES OF BLUE SOFTLY DAYING "I NEED YOU" LET ME SEE HER STANDIN' THERE AND HONEST MISTER, I'M A MILLIONAIRE I DON'T CARE FOR ANY FINE ATTIRE VANDERBILY MIGHT ADMIRE NO, NO, NOT ME ALL I CARE ABOUT IS LOVE... Girls. ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS LOVE. (Girls hum..) Billy. (Spoken.) Maybe you think I'm talking about physical love. Well, I'm not. Not JUST physical love. There's other kinds of love. Like love of...jutice. Love of... legal procedure. Love of lending a hand to someone who really needs you. Love of your fellow man. Those kinds of love are what I'm talkin' about. And physical love ain't so bad either. (Sung.) IT MAY SOUND ODD BUT ALL I CARE ABOUT IS LOVE Girls. THAT'S WHAT HE'S HERE FOR Billy. (BOO BOO CHORUS TO:) HONEST TO GOD ALL i CARE ABOUT IS LOVE Girls. ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS LOVE Billy. SHOW ME LONG RAVEN HAIR FLOWIN' DOWN, ABOUT TO THERE AND WHEN I SEE HER RUNNIN' FREE KEEP YOUR MONEY, THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME I DON'T CARE FOR DRIVEN' PACKARD CARS OR SMOKING LON, BUCK CIGARS NO, NO, NOT ME ALL ICARE ABOUT IS DOIN' THE GUY IN WHO'S PICKIN' ON YOU TWISTIN' THE WRIST THAT'S TURNIN' THE SCREW ALL. ALL I (HE) CARE(S) ABOUT IS LOVE!!! A Little Bit of Good Mary Sunshine. WHEN I WAS A TINY TOT OF MAYBE TWO OR THREE I CAN STILL REMEMBER WHAT MY MOTHER SAID TO ME... PLACE ROSE COLORED GLASSES ON YOUR NOSE AND YOU WILL SEE THE ROBINS NOT THE CROWS FOR IN THE TENSE AND TANGLED WEB OUR WEARY LIVES CAN WEAVE YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER OFF IF YOU BELIEVE.... THAT THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF GOOD IN EVERYONE IN EVERYONE YOU'LL EVER KNOW YES, THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF GOOD IN EVERYONE THOUGH MANY TIMES, IT DOESN'T SHOW IT ONLY TAKES THE THE TAKING TIME WITH ONE ANOTHER FOR UNDER EVERY MEAN VENEER IS SOMEONE WARM AND DEAR KEEP LOOKING.... FOR THAT BIT OF GOOD IN EVERYONE THE ONES WE CALL BAD ARE NEVER ALL BAD SO TRY TO FIND THAT LITTLE BIT OF GOOD IS SOMEONE WARM AND DEAR KEEP LOOKING... FOR THAT LITTLE BIT OF GOOD IN EVERYONE ALTHOUGH YOU MEET RATS THEY'RE NOT COMPLETE RATS SO TRY TO FIND THAT LITTLE BIT OF GOOD! I Know a Girl Velma. CAN YOU IMAGINE? I MEAN , CAN YOU IMAGINE? CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I MEAN , CAN YOU BELIEVE? I KNOW A GIRL A GIRL WHO LANDS ON TOP YOU COULD PUT HER FACE INTO A PAIL OF SLOP AND SHE'D COME UP SMELLING LIKE A ROSE HOW SHE DOES IT, HEAVEN KNOWS. Reporter. Hold on, she's comin' out now. Well, Doc, is she or isn't she? Velma. She is Reporter. SHE IS!!! Velma. (sung.) I KNOW A GIRL A GIRL WITH SO MUCH LUCK SHE COULD GET RUN OVER BY A TEN-TON TRUCK THEN BRUSH HERSELF OFF AND WALK AWAY HOW SHE DOES IT, COULDN'T SAY Billy. (Spoken.) Doc, would you swear to that staemen in court. Doctor. Yes Billy. Good. . . uh. . . button your fly Velma. (Sung.) WHILST I ON THE OTHER HAND PUR MY FACE IN A PAIL OF SLOP AND I WOULD SMELL LIKE A PAIL OF SLOP I ON THE OTHER HAND GET RUN OVER BY A TRUCK AND I AM DEADER THAT A DUCK IKNOW A GIRL WHO TELLS SO MANY LIES ANYTHING THAT'S TRUE WOULD TRULY CROSS HER EYES BUT WHAT THAT MOUSE IS SELLING THE WHOLE WORLD BUTS AND NOBODY SMELLS A RAT. Roxie. (spoken.) Please, ladies and gentlemen of the press-leave the two of us alone so we can rest. Velma (Spoken.) The two of us?? (Sung.) CAN YOU IMAGIN? I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE? Reporter. (Spoken.) Could I have one last picture please? Roxie. Oh sure anything for the press. Velma (Sung.) DO YOU BELIVE IT? I MEAN DO YOU BELIVE IT? Roxie. MY DEAR LITTLE BABY Velma (Sung, mocking Roxie) My dear little baby Roxie. MY SWEET LITTLE BABY Velma. My sweet little . . . baby.... Me and My Baby Roxie. LOOK AT MY BABY MY BABY AND ME.. ME AND MY BABY MY BABY AND ME WE'RE 'BOUT AS HAPPY AS BABIES CAN BE WHAT IF I FIND THAT I'M CAUSGHT IN A STORM? I DON'T CARE MY BABY'S THERE AND BABY'S BOUND TO KEEP ME WARM WE'RE STICKING TOGETHER AND AIN'T WE GOT FUN SO MUCH TOGETHER YOU'D COUNT US AS ONE TELL OLD MAN WORRY TO GO CLIMB A TREE 'CAUSE I'VE GOT MY BABY I'M WITH MY BABY LOOK AT MY BABY AND ME LOOKA MY BABY MY BABY AND ME A DREAM OF A DUO NOW DON'T YOU AGREE WHY KEEP IT MUM WHEN THERE'S NOTHING TO HID? AND WHAT I FEEL I MUST REVEAL IT'S MORE THAT I CAN KEEP INSIDE AND I CAN ASSURE YOU IT WON'T GO AWAY LET ME ASSUR YOU IT GROW EVERY DAY I WAS A ONE ONCE BUT NOW I' A 'WE' 'CAUSE I GOT MY BABY MY DEAR LITTLE BABY LOOKA MY BABY AND ME Roxie and Boys. LOOKA MY BABY MY BABY AND ME FACING THE WORLD OPTIMISTICALLY NOTHING CAN STOP US SO NOBODY TRY 'CAUSE BABY'S ROUGH AND FULL OF STUFF AND INCIDENTALLY, SO AM I GET OUT OF OUR WAY, FOLKS AND GIVE US SOME ROOM WATCH HOW WE BUBBLE AND BLOSSOM AND BLOOM LIFE WAS A PRISON BUT WE GOT THE KEY ME AND MY BABY MY DEAR LITTLE BABY MY CUTE LITTLE BABY MY SWEET LITTLE BABY MY FAT LITTLE BABY MY SOFT LITTLE BABY MY PINK LITTLE BABY MY BALD LITTLE BABY LOOKA MY BABY Roxie. AND ME Mister Celllophane Amos. IF SOMEONE STOOD UP IN A CROWD AND RAISED HIS VOICE UP WAY OUT LOUD AND WAVED HIS ARM AND SHOOK HIS LEG YOU'D NOTICE HIM IF SOMEONE IN A MOVIE SHOW YELLED "FIRED IN THE SECOND ROW, THIS WHOLE PLACE IS A POWDER KEG!" YOU'D NOTICE HIM AND EVEN WITHOUT CLUCKING LIKE A HEN EVERYONE GETS NOTICED, NOW AND THEN, UNLESS, OF COURSE, THAT PERSONAGE SHOULD BE INVISISBLE, INCONSEQUENTIAL ME! CELLOPHANE MISTER CELLOPHANE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY NAME MISTER CELLOPHANE 'CAUSE YOU CAN LOOK RIGHT THROUGH ME WALK RIGHT BY ME AND VENER KNOW I'M THERE! I TELL YA CELLOPHANE MISTER CELLOPHANE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY NAME MISTER CELLOPHANE 'CAUSE YOU CAN LOOK RIGHT THROUGH ME WALK RIGHT BY ME AND NEVER KNOW I'M THERE. . . SUPPOSE YOU WAS A LITTLE CAT RESIDIN' IN A PERSON'S FLAT WHO FED YOU FISH AND SCRATCHED YOUR EARS? YOU'D NOTICE HIM SUPOOSE YOU WAS A WOMAN WED AND SLEEPIN' IN A DOUBLE BED BESIDE A MAN FOR SEVEN YEARS YOU'D NOTICE HIME A HUMAN BEING'S MADE OF MORE THATN AIR WITH ALL THAT BULK , YOU'RE BOUND TO SEE HIM THERE UNLESS THAT HUMAN BEIN' NEXT TO Y OU IS UNIMPRESSIVE, UNDISTINGUESHED YOU KNOW WHO. . . SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY NAME MISTER CELLOPHANE 'CAUSE YOU CAN LOOK RIGHT THROUGH ME WALK RIGHT BY ME AND NEVER KNOW I'IM THERE I TELL YA CELLOPHANE MISTER CELLOPHANE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY NAME MISTER CELLOPHANE 'CAUSE YOU CAN LOOK RIGHT THROUGH ME WALK RIGHT BY ME AND NEVER KNOW I'M THERE NEVER EVEN KNOW I'M THERE Class Velma. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO FAIR DEALING? AND PURE ETHICS AND NICE MANNERS? WHY IS IT EVERYONE NOW IS A PAIN IN THE ASS WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CLASS? Mama. CLASS WHATEVER HAPPENED TO, "PLEASE, MAY I?" AND, "YES, THANK YOU"? AND, "HOW CHARMING"? NOW, EVERY SON OF A BITCH IS A SNAKE IN THE GRASS WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CLASS Velma. and Mama. CLASS! AH, THERE AIN'T NO GENTLEMEN TO OPEN UP THE DOORS THERE AIN'T NO LADIES NOW, THERE'S ONLY PIGS AND WHORES AND EVEN KIDS'D KNOCK YA DOWN SO'S THEY CAN PASS NOBODY'S GOT NO CLASS Velma. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO OLD VALUES Mama. AND FINE MORALS? Velma. AND GOOD BREEDING Mama. NOW, NO ONE EVEN SAYS "OOPS" WHEN THEY'RE PASSING THEIR GAS WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CLASS? Velma. and Mama. CLASS AH, THERE AIN'T NO GENTLEMEN THAT'S FIT FOR ANY USE AND ANY GIRL'D TOUCH YOUR PRIVATES FOR A DEUCE Mama. AND EVEN KIDS'LL KICK YOUR SHINS AND GIVE YOU SASS Velma. ( a beat behind). AND EVEN KIDS'LL KICK Y OUR SHINS AND GIVE YOU SASS Velma. andMama. NOBODY'S GOT NO CLASS! Velma. ALL YOU READ ABOUT TODAY IS RAPE AND THEFT Mama. JESUS CHRIST AIN'T THERE NO DECENCY LEFT? Velma. and Mama. NOBODY'S GOT NO CLASS Mama. EVERYBODY YOU WATCH Velma. 'S GOT HIS BRAINS IN HIS CROTCH Mama. HOLY CRAP Velma. HOLY CRAP Mama. WHAT A SHAME Velma. WHAT A SHAME Velma. and Mama. WHAT BECAME OF CLASS? ? (c) 1973 and 1975 KANDER-EBB, Inc. and Unichappell Music, Inc. USED WITHOUT PERMISSION