Tips for the Evil Cultist
Tips for the Evil Cultist
- Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the
amateur.
- Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of
your god's name in the privacy of your room before chanting it in
public.
Flash cards are often helpful.
- Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
- Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10 pounds in weight, you're just
asking for trouble.
- Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this
enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like
beacons
to the Dark Lords.
- Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver
knife,
thuggee knife, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare, condoms,
and
change.
- Never be the cultist that goes to rough up the investigator.
Ransacking
hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys
is a
sure route to the bottom of the Thames.
- When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the cult leader.
Enraged
demons always go for the pompous.
- Don't gloat.
- If you do gloat, never reveal your plans.
- If you gloat and reveal your plans, never leave the investigators
to
die slowly. They don't.
- If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the investigators to die
slowly, don't have the audacity to look surprised when they show up to
foil
you.
- Investigators always show up at the last moment to foil you. Start
a
half-hour early - they hate that.
- Select ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still
affording
ample concealment.
- Never have sex with anything whose genetic structure you do not
feel
absolutely comfortable about.
- Never admit to having had sex with anything whose genetic structure
you
didn't feel absolutely comfortable about.
- When a religious artifact begins emitting light, close your eyes!
Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember
this
simple safety tip.
- When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
- During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now
generally
considered bad form.
- Blood tests are now required of all sacrificial victims before the
ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have
never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
- Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix.
When
the shit comes down it is vitally necessary to be able to discern
between
the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering
monstrosity that will go away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a
good
hot bath.
- Never play strip Tarot.
- Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can
stand against one who is true to his faith, his god, and his soul.
However,
it is also true that God is on the side of the heaviest artillery, so be
prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
- For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not
feasible or even possible, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by
microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling
it.
However, a mock-victim sculpted from Spam will be all right too.
We hope that this list has been of some help to you as you go forth to
serve the Elder Gods. And remember the Evil Cultist's official motto:
Jesus loves you just the way you are.
Cthulu thinks you could use a little ketchup.