The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife -- a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

My only regret in life is that I wasn't born someone else.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
(Hannah and her Sisters)

I went into a store, I bought a rifle. I was gonna. . . you know, if they told me that I had a tumor, I was going to kill myself. The only thing that might've stopped me, might've, is my parents would be devastated. I would, I woulda' had to shoot them, also, first. And then, I have an aunt and an uncle, I would have, you know, it would have been a bloodbath.
(Hannah and her Sisters)

Larry: "And I'll sit through the Wagner opera with you next week. I already bought the earplugs."
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Carol: "Can you believe this guy in Indiana? Killed twelve victims, dismembered them and ate them."
Larry: "Really? Well, it's an alternative lifestyle."
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Larry: "Jesus, couldn't you keep the conversation going a little longer in there? I was signalling you frantically."
Carol: "I was just trying to be neighborly."
Larry: "Neighborly? If this guy showed me his stamp collection one more time... I mean, my favorite thing in life is to, you know, look at cancelled postage."
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Larry: "I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Larry: "I can't get the Flying Dutchman theme out of my mind. Remind me tomorrow to buy all the Wagner records I can find and rent a chainsaw."
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Carol: "So I opened this urn, just to see, and there were ashes in it."
Larry: "Ashes? Funeral ashes? Did you wash your hands?"
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Larry to Carol: "How do you know it was her? They're ashes. What, did they resemble Mrs. House?"
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Larry: "So what? Different strokes. He has fun sitting at the bottom of the ocean face to face with squid."
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Larry: "Jesus, they're up to poisons already. You guys are slipping into a mad obsession."
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Carol: "I don't know why you're not more fascinated with this. We could be living next door to a murderer."
Larry: "Well, New York is a melting pot."
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Larry: "You gotta go back to your shrink. You know how General Motors will recall defective cars? Well, you gotta go in for a tune-up."
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Larry: "I'm your husband. I command you to sleep! Sleep! I command it! I command it! Sleep!"
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Larry: "You've got to go to the eye doctor and get happy glasses."
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Larry: "The dead woman passed you on a bus? Which bus was this, the bus to heaven?"
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Larry: "I think it is a pretty fair assumption if somebody is dead, they don't suddenly turn up in the New York City transit system.
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Carol: "I don't know what's going on."
Larry: "Let me put it this way: total psychotic breakdown."
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Larry: "Julie despised me, you know that. She thought I was a low-life and a wimp and a vermin and a roach. Just jump in anytime you want to defend me."
Carol: "Hey, I'm waiting for you to say something I don't agree with."
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

They're in the elevator and it stops; Larry is "a world-renowned claustrophobic."
Larry: "I'm running over a field. I see open meadows. I see a stallion. I'm a stallion. There's a cool breeze. I see grass. I see dirt. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe."
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Larry: "Oh, jesus. Claustrophobia _and_ a dead body. This is a neurotic's jackpot."
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

Carol: "Come on, Larry, we solved a mystery together once, remember, the noises in the attic?"
Larry: "Yes, I remember, in the country house, the bluebird, that was a sweet mystery, this is a murder!"
(Manhattan Murder Mystery)

I just met a wonderful new man! He's fictional, but you can't have everything...
(The Purple Rose of Cairo)

I finally had an orgasm and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind.
Manhattan

I thought I took it rather well after the circumstances. I tried to run them both over with a car.
(Manhattan)

You don't get suspicious when your analyst calls you up at three in the morning and weeps into the telephone?
(Manhattan)

You think you're God!
I gotta model myself after someone.
(Manhattan)

I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for member.
(Annie Hall)

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym. And of course, those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assign to our school.
(Annie Hall)

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible be like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
(Annie Hall)

I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
(Annie Hall)

I'm a cartoon character, I don't have a period!
(Annie Hall)

I should be alright. Apart from the fact that I am wanted by the lynch mob, the police are after me, and there is a homicidal maniac lose and I'm unemployed. Everything else is just fine.

I'll maybe bombing an office building, but I'll try to come.
(Bananas)

Blood! That should be on the inside!
(Bananas)

How am I immature?
Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually.
Yeah, but in what other ways?

Woody (to sexy secretary, wearing go-go boots, at her desk, talking on the phone): "You wanna go out tonight?"
Secretary (cupping her hand over the phone): "I'm busy. My friends are coming over; we're gonna watch dirty movies."
Woody: "You need an usher?"
(Bananas)

Miles: Now is the time to strike. Their leader has a tremendous disadvantage. He has no head or body.
(Sleepers)

Miles: Put yourself in my shoes. I go in for a lousy operation I wake up two hundred years later and I'm Flash Gordon.
(Sleepers)

What will you do when the French soldiers rape your sister?
WA: I don't have a sister.
That's no answer!
WA: Who are they going to rape: Ivan? They'd throw up!
(Love and Death)

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates. Which means that all men are homosexuals.
(Love and Death)

Sonja: For our children.
Boris: We don't have any children.
Sonja: Then, for our parents.
Boris: Our parents don't have any children either.
(Love and Death)

What are you planning on doing Saturday night?
Committing suicide!
Well... how about Friday night?