You know, this is really pit-iful! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahuhuhuhuh... huh... er. Yeah.
A cure? Er, yeah. Kill a fatted calf, then go into severe financial depression because you spent your rent money on Pit Droids. That usually works.
And sadly, Nightscream would win, even though he's not the most annoying of the three... but simply because the little wad of guano seems friggin' impervious. Sad that I hate him so.

No, and I rather resent that implication. To think that there's inanimate objects in my geneology. Feh.
These antennae are quite useful apparrattattatti (whatever). Trust me. They're amazing, and I can't see how you humans cope without them.

Report him immediately.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
No really. Report him. It's for the best.

Don't be silly. Your father cannot possibly be a Decepticon spy.
It's plainly obvious that he's a minion of the evil Retik, ruler of the Moon Men.
I think the only course of action against Moon Men is random fisticuffs every episode. Hope this helps.

Nothing illegal? Well hell, there go my first eight or twelve pieces of advice...
How many kidneys you got? Do you really need that many?
Or, if the selling of personal organs ain't your thing, run up to Vegas... no, not to gamble. Prostitution's legal there. Who knows. Chris Elliot could be in town.
Or, you could create something so incredibly vapid, like that godsdamn dancing baby (that the turkey didn't even CREATE, he just attached a pre-made animation to a pre-made 3-D model), and make a lot of money off of the stupid, cowlike citizenry that way.
Hope this helps.

It's not that they don't tour down South. They do, fairly often. It's just that they're purposely avoiding you.
It's nothing personal, they just drew a few names out of a hat, and yours was one of them. It's some bizarre government rule they have to follow. They use their Giants Positioning System to keep track of the people they've randomly chosen to avoid.
Don't worry though, come the year 2000, once the government collapses, TMBG will be free to have a show with you in the audience. Say hi for me.

Normally, yes. But it's too late or soon to make lots of bad love, and unfortunately, there's no time for sorrow.
I recommend that you run around in the rain with a hole in the brain until tomorrow.

Ah, yes. I'm pretty familiar with this... I gotta admit that I don't exactly smell Zestfully Clean (copyright and trademark and intellectual property of huge multi-national corporations that could squash me like a bug) after a bath. (Cleaning the sink trap's no trip to Hollywood either.)
It very well could be your dog's diet is making her very gassy... canine S.B.D.'s are not fun at all. We've all see dogs pee when they're excited, right? This might be the same deal.
If that's not the case, you could try replacing your dog's skin with a new synthetic skin. Some of the high-end new dog skins even come Scotch-Guarded against stains.
Or, I suppose you could go to a vet, but why pay all that money when all you get there is the advice of someone who knows what the hell they're talking about?

I can think of a few solutions...
First, there's the pranksters' favorite, clear sandwich wrap. Of course, this won't discourage a kid for very long, plus you'll definately wanna tell your wife about this beforehand. Unless you like sleeping in the living room alone.
A series of mild but memorable electric jolts would certainly do the job. There is the off chance this will cause them to avoid the toilet entirely, but hey. If you haven't got the money to hook up a shocking system to the toilet (again, tell your wife before she discovers it on her own!), simply try giving them swirlies the next time they flush stuff they shouldn't. "See? THIS is how those poor Legos feel!"
Unless you're one of those pansies who thinks that you shouldn't discipline your kids in any meaningful fashion (like, say, a whuppin'), in which case I suggest you get to know your plumber really well, maybe he'll give you a discount.

Penguins and ostriches have wings because Mother Nature made birds very tasty, and wings are an integral part of the whole bird-meat-food deal. Any ostrich rancher will tell you you get a lot of meals out of one pair o' ostrich wings... and penguin, while smaller, is for those with money to burn on harder-to-find foods.
As for the platypus, scientists announced years ago that they've proven such an animal does not actually exist. It turns out after all these years that it was just a family of ducks who thought they'd beat the whole hunting season thing by disguising themselves as beavers. Sorry.

Criminy. Well, let's take these in order...
Decaf is for pusses.
You're asking someone who lives naked and free. What do you think?
Yes, and you can't handle it.
I wouldn't really call this a regular job. My primary employment here at King Weasel Productions is as an actor, but that's kinda slacked off in recent years. While we've been promised that we'll be getting back to that at some point (lazy shiftless good-for-nothin' boss), my co-worker Junkazmi and I were offered the opportunity to be "web personalities" or something vague like that. This is just a part of what we'll be doing here on the site, and we're looking forward to infecting your computer monitor in the future. As for hobbies, my primary one is being damn happy I'm not human.
You lick Tootsie Pops? What a waste of time.

I have two words for you, my friend.
International terrorism.
It's an exciting field full of possiblities, and there's always openings available. My recommendation is that you contact "Snake" (the featureless silver facemask is unmistakable), who runs the largest agency of this type. They have dental insurance, though the retirement benefits aren't that great until you get to the upper echelons. Plus they have a really catchy, simple slogan.
Good luck, and watch out for anyone who repsonds to being called "Joe".