Reggie Takes a Stand Deanna Troi and Lieutenant Barclay had just ended a transmission to the Starfleet ship Voyager. The Beta-zoid ship’s counselor had departed leaving Reginald Barclay alone—except for his cat. “She’s a fine woman, she is, my pretty furry cat. We go way back. We served under Captain Picard together. We had some great adventures. Oh? What? You want to hear about one?” Reginald rubbed the cat’s head. It purred and the lieutenant assumed a far off gaze as he settled back into the soft couch and started his tale. ---------------------- “Give us the women, and we may spare you,” said First man, an eight-foot tall humanoid, as he pulled a small tree out of the ground and hurled it at the feet of Captain Jean-Luc Picard. “I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Picard pointed his phaser at a boulder and vaporized it. “Don’t force us to use our phase…our weapons on you. The surly headman glanced at his once eager men. They were exchanging anxious looks and stepping slowly back away from the small strangers. “We come in peace. My ship needs repairs and I wish to land some of my crew for a few days. I promise no harm will come to you or your people.” Picard stared up at the giant leader. “Where is this ship,” asked First Man. He looked from the sandy beach to the empty blue bay before them. “My ship is up there. “ Picard pointed to a light high overhead. “That ‘star’ is my ship.” “Are you gods? This is great magic! Our land is your land.” The giant threw himself on the ground. He looked up, saw his men staring at the new star and hissed,”Get down, you fools. These are gods.” Picard laughed. “No, no. We are not gods. Only people like you. We’re a race that’s learned a few things, that’s all. We are not gods.” First Man hesitated, then rose slowly to his feet. “Er…Mighty Ones, our customs demand we help you, so your people may stay on that island in the bay, and in return you must give us something, like a feast.” “Certainly. Our replicators can provide the food.” Captain Picard allowed himself to smile. I’ll have my best men see to it that your people have a splendid feast.” “And after that we will play Baka Ball,” said Fire Starter, First Man’s strongest warrior. “Er, yes. Of course,” said Picard. “We are always happy to comply with local customs. Well, we really must go. I’ll send down some of my people right away to get to work on providing this feast. You’ll have to show them samples of what you’d like.” The captain tapped his comm.-badge. “Enterprise, five to beam up.” The giants gasped as the away team shimmered and then vanished into thin air before their eyes. Too Old, an old long-bearded giant limped over to First Man’s side and tugged his Demon Cat cape. “First Man, this is a bad thing. If they are not gods then they are powerful spirits and powerful spirits do not need the help of mere men like us. They are playing with us. We must be very careful to follow every taboo, every law.” “You worry too much , Too Old. If they wanted to harm us we would all be dead. You saw what he did to the boulder.” “I don’t know,” said Too Old. “What if they play Baka Ball and do not let us win? They might test us to see if we are good men and will follow the law that says we must kill them, If we are afraid and don’t try they will punish us. If they win we must try to kill them. They will be pleased. ” “Or they might be angry if we attack them. Shouldn’t gods have the right to win?” said Fire Starter. Old One shook his head. “The laws are my special knowledge, Fire Starter. The way of the hunt is your skill. Listen to this old head. That is how Girl in the Sky tested Boy in the Water. When he refused to kill her for breaking taboo the gods turned him into Jozo, the Jellyfish. We must kill them if they win. They are gods and will not come to harm. To them casting off a fleshy body is like how Darum casts his shell and becomes Tuscalona the Flutter Bird.” “Test! Test! Why must the gods always bother us with tests?” First Man picked up the tree he had tossed at Picard and shoved it back into the sandy soil. “We will follow the taboos and laws. If they do not let us, their hosts, win we will follow the law and kill them—and accept the reward of the gods for being a righteous people.” “Or suffer their wrath for being fools,” mumbled Fire Starter to himself. ------------------ Lieutenant Reginald Barclay studied the piles of food the planet’s inhabitants had Brought him. He scanned the food with his tri-corder and relayed the data to Engineering up in the Enterprise where Lieutenant Commander Giordi LaForge worked to adjust the replicators to make the giants’s feast a memorable one. First Man had been watching the proceedings, and now he shouted towards his grass hut. “Malicious Rumors, bring the grhu.” “But I was saving it for Days of Merry Making.” A huge, fat giantess waddled around to the front of the hut. In her arms she held a pig-like animal that Barclay guessed weighed at least five hundred pounds. “The little stranger will not hurt it,” said First Man. His magic box must look at everything we will want. The strangers have promised to bring us everything we show them. Enough for the whole village.” “You will bring many grhu?” asked Malicious Rumor as she stood over Barclay. “Well, yes, of course. Er…the grhu we will bring will not be alive. We can’t make living things—just move them.” “We don’t want living ghru,” said Malicious Rumors. “What do you take us for ? Savages?” Lieutenant Barclay smiled protectively. “Yes. I mean …No, of course, not.” OH…Why did the Captain have to pick him for this? He knew he wasn’t a people-person, especially a Giant people-person. ---------------------------------- Evening came and the twin moons shown high overhead. Music stirred the villagers. The drums beat in a muffled slow beat, while flutes sang as gently as the peaceful waves breaking on the long white beach in front of the happy little village. “All is ready, First Man,” said Captain Picard. “The replicators have finished their work, behold.” First Man looked into the tent the strangers had brought. The tent was filled with enough food to last the villagers for a week. And, there was ghru—seven hot, cooked ghru. “this is just like Days of Merry Making.” After Too Old had intoned a long and solemn prayer, which First Man noticed was impeccably correct to a degree far beyond their usual hastily mumbled invocations First Man took the ceremonial First Bite and the feasting began. --------------------------- “Oh, my stomach,” said Malicious Rumors. “I feel like I am dying.” The giantess collapsed, falling into First Man’s arms. “My stomach,too! They have poisoned us. The gods have poisoned us,” said First Man. “I knew something like this was going to happen,” said Too Old. He lay on the ground. “I am ready. Let my passage be quick.” Picard slapped his comm.-badge. “Emergency beam-up, all away team members …and First Man.” ------------------------------------------- Doctor Beverly Crusher examined the giant in her sickbay. “Food poisoning all right. A failure to incorporate a native micro-organism in with the food. They need the little buggers in order to properly digest the food.” “How?” Picard scraped his chin. “I had Barclay double check the replicators—“ “Oh, Jean-Luc, you know replicators can’t create living organisms. They did replicate inanimate micro-organisms, but they weren’t alive. They couldn’t do their job—digesting food.” “Can you?” “This should do the same thing,” said Crusher, handing Picard a spray-injector. Give the giants all a shot and they’ll be their old selves in an hour.” ----------------------------------------------- Commander Ryker faced the others in the huddle. “Baka Ball’s a lot like rugby. Anyway we can, we have to get the ball into that hole at the other end of the playing field. The game is two candles long. I’m guessing an hour at the most. Any questions?” “Maybe we should go easy on them, being they’re just getting over Barclay poisoning them and all,” said Chief O’Brien.”Don’t think they’d take it so forgivingly back in Liverpool.” “No way, Chief” said Ryker. “The honor of Star Fleet’s on the line. Besides, they’re twice our size . We just might surprise them—and earn their respect.” “Would you explain the restrictions as regarding the parameters of acceptable game-playing protocol?” asked Data. “I can’t. Watch what they do and do it better.” “Intriguing tactics, Commander. I shall endeavor to do my best doing…what will be my responsibility, Sir?” “You have to make sure none of the giants get the Baka Ball into our hole…er, goal.” Too Long held up a torch. “I light the first candle. The game is begun.” ------------------------ The first candle died out. The Star Fleet team limped to the side lines. “I never played a game like this,” said Giordi. “When I scored our goal I didn’t expect applause, but just having them stare at us like we did something terrible—“ “It gave you the creeps. Me, too,” said Ryker. “They might be trying to unnerve us; it’s an old trick. It brings the fans into the game,” said O’Brien. “I light the second candle,” said Old One. “When it burns out the game is over, and we will do what is written.” “What’d he mean, Commander?” asked Worf. “Post game rituals, I guess. Let’s go team. Win one for Star Fleet!” ------------- “Captain, I’m worried,” said Deanna. “I sense anger, repressed anger.” “Yes. I noticed the spectators have been arming themselves. Could this game itself be more than entertainment?” “Oh, I should have thought of it before. In many primitive societies games play an important role in keeping friendly relations between neighboring tribes. The guests usually put on a good show then graciously allow the ‘home team’ to win. Captain!” “Yes! Of course. We’re supposed to lose. We must let Ryker know. God Lord, look at the candle—it’s almost burnt down, and we still lead.” “Sir, can you have the Enterprise emit a holo-projection of a flame onto the candle? To make it look like the candle’s still lit? I’ll run down and let Will…er…Commander Ryker know the situation.” “Make it so, Deanna.” The captain tapped his comm.-badge. “Enterprise….” * * * Lieutenant Barclay smiled at the cat in his lap. “And so Will told Data to fake an injury and I was put in a substitution. I was told to let the giants score, but to make it look like I was putting up a good defense. Well, they tied the game right away, and the crowd went wild. Screaming, dancing, making faces. And chanting. That’s when I started getting really scared. They were chanting:’Death to He Who Poisoned Us.’ “ Barclay scratched the cat’s fat belly. “I guess you know who they meant. The whole giants team got into a tight wedge with the point coming right at me. I wanted to run, and I did for a few steps, then I saw Deanna watching me. Women! The things we do for a woman’s love. I stopped and ran in front of the goal. If they wanted to score they’d have to do it over my dead body.” Barclay laughed. “I was officially dead for fifty-seven seconds. The giants scored. Picard called the ship and had them turn off the holo-projection of the flame on the dead candle. I was beamed to sickbay. And later the Captain gave me that,” said Barclay nodding at a crystal and silver trophy. Know what it says on the plaque, Kitty? ‘Lieutenant Reginald Barclay: MVP’”